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When I enter my chambers that night, I know I'll find him there.

He stands on the balcony, staring up at the stars once again. He looks almost ethereal, the thin curtains concealing the glass door to the balcony billowing around him, and the moon casting a pale lit hue to his face. At this moment he is so dreadfully beautiful that I find it hard to look away. I want to walk up to him, wrap my arms around him and bask in his love, but I stay back. I notice the distance between us, the space that must be kept after tonight.

Not too close, but not too far.

He's the moon, and I'm an orbiting star. I was never meant to complete him as the Sun does, all I can do is watch from afar. I always knew this was my truth. I was always aware of this ultimatum, I always knew that our time was limited.

But I've already had a taste of blissful happiness.

How am I supposed to let that go? After everything, how can I let him go?

Bangchan knows I'm here, he feels the distance between us almost as though it were slowly tearing his heart apart piece by piece. I know this because I feel the same pain. I recognize it within him because it is so present in myself. Perhaps this is the worst form of agony. Knowing that if you had the choice there would be no distance at all.

It's Bangchan who breaks the silence, the howl of the wind a feeble whimper.

"Did you talk to her?"

I've never heard his voice so hoarse, so fragile. Resisting the urge to run to his side, I take a deep breath before I answer him.

"Yes."

"I'm sorry." He seems to deflate with melancholy, running his hands through his hair as though that would ease the guilt. "I couldn't lie to her."

In the back of my mind, I wonder if he's worried about hurting me or hurting her. Swallowing hard, I hate myself for the covetous feeling erupting in my gut at the thought.

"I know."

Bangchan swallows hard, looking back at the stars. When he speaks next, his voice is breaking.

"I'm sorry."

It takes all I have not to run to him and erase the tears that are stuck in his throat.

"I know."

Bowing his head, he places his hands on the railing, leaning against it with despair. It hurts me, and I'm thankful that his back is turned to me. If he saw the way I'm trembling, the way I struggle to keep the tears from spilling over, he would hold onto me forever. If he saw how the mere thought of being apart from him practically destroys me in its wake, he would never let me go.

He has to let me go.

"I couldn't find a way out for us."

My heart breaks into a million wretched pieces.

Though we both knew the consequences, though we understood our fate, though this was always the outcome of our relationship...

If we're being honest, we were still looking for a chance.

We were praying that the stars would take pity on us.

"I understand."

Bangchan finally turns to me.

There is a sort of beauty in the misery he wears so wretchedly on his face. A different kind of beauty. A beauty that breaks you when you get close enough, that destroys you just as quickly as it embraces you. And in the back of my mind, I realize something.

This is the first time I've seen him this way.

So raw. So...

Real.

So this is what was hiding.

Behind the exquisite mask of "I'm fine."

"Do you love me?"

The question catches me off guard, and I don't answer at first. When I look at him, I can see that he's hanging on to my every word, almost begging me to give him the answer he needs. Almost pleading with me to reassure him of a fact that he already knows.

But then I realized.

He's not asking if I love him.

He's asking for me to stay with him.

And if I tell him the truth, he would give up everything.

So that he can stay with me.

"Because I love you."

He knows what my silence means. He knows that I'm refusing his request, he knows the choice I am making. He recognizes the reason why, he understands that our love is impossible to even try, but it's as though if he doesn't hold on to the possibility, he will break apart. So much so that even I will not be able to pull him back together. His face seeming to break a little more, he turns back to the scenery almost as though to hide from me.

I can't stand it anymore.

When my arms wrap around him, I can hear the way his breath hitches in his throat as he begins to sob. He holds onto me tightly, his hands clutching mine as though if he let go he would crumble into pieces of sorrow and regret. It ignites inexplainable emotion in my own heart, and I find it nearly impossible to speak. I'm hardly keeping it together, but I need to see him, I need him to hold onto me, I need him to be mine.

Even if it's for the last time.

"Can you look at me?" I mumble into his back and he turns around almost immediately. I look up at him, chuckling to myself at the way he's so ready to give me everything. Even when I've denied him his one chance, he still wants to give me all he has and more. Such unconditional and precious love that I never thought I would be able to experience, but I was lucky to have it with him.

I was so lucky, wasn't I?

I press my hands tightly against his wet cheeks, wiping away the flowing tears before pressing my forehead against his. He leans into my touch, securing his hands around the small of my back and pulling me closer to him.

Together, we bask in the agony of this heartbreak. But it seems that even if the world is falling apart around us, as long as I'm in his arms, there's nothing for me to be afraid of anymore.

Then I realize something.

He's finally allowing me to take care of him.

For the first...

And the last time.

"I would give it all up, you know." He murmurs, his voice thick with emotion as he wraps his hand around mine and envelops me in his warmth. "If it meant I could stay by your side, if it meant I could love you forever, I would give up everything."

I swallow hard, closing my eyes tightly shut as I tighten my grip around the nape of his neck, pulling him closer to me. For some reason, it feels as though we're already slipping away, and I'm not ready to let go of him yet.

"I know you would," I whisper, pressing my lips against our joined hands before holding them tenderly in between us. Our precious promise breaking at the seams. "And that's why I can't let you do it."

Bangchan hears the goodbye, he can taste it in the air, and he grows desperate. He grabs at the hidden strands, frantically trying to piece them tightly together even though they are weak and refuse to stay bound. He shakes his head, wrapping his hands around my face and pleading desperately with me to reconsider.

"There has to be a way."

I take his hands, but don't remove them from my face. Instead, I try to calm him down, use the taste of my touch to sedate his frantic fear and misery.

"Chan."

But he doesn't want to listen.

"There has to be something, I just haven't looked hard enough."

He doesn't want to imagine it.

"We've run out of time."

A life without him by my side.

"No, no we just haven't tried hard enough."

We were aware of this at the start.

"Chan, please."

But now I realize that he never intended to let me go.

"No!" At his shout, I go silent, the tears now burning incessantly at the corner of my eyes. I search his hopeless ones, trying to find any sign of reason, trying to look for a chance to help him understand. But all I can find is a devastating loss, grief too powerful to name, wracking the bottom of his heart and escaping through the pools of his eyes. I know he knows our time together is over, I know he understands we have to let go, but he is unwilling to accept it. "No, it can't be true."

"Why?" I murmur, caressing his cheek with the palm of my hand.

He takes hold of it, pressing his lips to my skin, just as he did when our secrets were finally unfolded beneath the very same moon. He looks up at me, his eyes are so painfully full of sorrowful despair that my heart breaks dreadfully within my chest.

"Because I can't lose you." The truth sparks tears in my eyes, and I realize that I can no longer hold them back. His lips tremble as he continues, the gip he has around me tightening in anguish. 

"I...I can't live without you." I let out a strangled sob, bowing my head as the heartache breaks me and my spirit. He pulls me closer to him, resting his head on my shoulder and speaking straight into my soul. 

"You're asking me to commit to a life without you. You're asking me to live without you, and I can't." I wrap my arms around his neck and he tightens his grip around my midsection gripping onto me as though I am all that is holding him together. "Luka please, I can't live without you by my side. I just can't..."

And though we're holding on to each other, leaning on the other, it's as though we are drifting farther and farther away. 

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