Fernstalk was expecting kits of her own. At least she'd just told Cloudstep, who stared at the horizon with blank eyes, the weight put on by her kits remaining, knowing that they played in the camp while she sat and stared at the edge of the lands she knew. Fernstalk stood trembling in Cloudstep's silence, exuding guilt and shame through her figure like fear, which Cloudstep tried her best not to smell. It's hard not to feel the emotions of those close to you, and Cloudstep fought that, because she didn't want to feel Fernstalk, not when she was boiling with anger inside.

She let her mate walk away, leaving her in the area to think about what she now lost.

"Fernstalk, wait."

She heard Fernstalk stop, and she knew that the beautiful she-cat, who she'd bore kits for because she hadn't wanted them, but Fernstalk had, and Cloudstep knew she would do anything for Fernstalk... Not to drone on, but it hurt that she felt her kits now were not her and Fernstalk's, but hers, when she hadn't planned to be a mother in the first place.

"It's Stonetooth, isn't it?"

Fernstalk hadn't said anything. Cloudstep let her claws sink into the mud that she walked through every day as an apprentice. She'd swung on her, lashing out and making sure to only hit the air, because she knew that their Clanmates would guess where a scratch had come from, and Cloudstep was not one to start too much drama unless she only liked what she heard. Fernstalk flinched, her ears flattening against her head as she stared at the ground, closing her eyes so tightly that Cloudstep thought that her mate was trying to convince herself that this whole interaction was just a dream.

"You're just like my father. There's no loyalty to your family."

With that, Cloudstep had decided to head back to camp. She shouldered past Fernstalk, not caring if she had pushed her out of her way or to the ground. Once inside, she saw her kits, wrestling among themselves, getting dirty. She found a disgusted feeling surfacing over the anger, which she let settle into her paws, pushing her forward towards the three kits she'd had. She swept them towards her with her paw, laying down in the dirt and pressing them to her cheeks, letting the dull comfort of motherhood attempt to cure the news that her... mate? Previous mate? She didn't know, but she knew that she had to tell her kits that they only had one mother now, that there would only be one cat raising them. Not that Fernstalk ever visited them much anyways, now that Cloudstep thought about it.

"My kits, I want you all to know something. It is just us now, as it's always been. Alright?"

She didn't let them ask questions, only began to clean them, because she would push them to feel the same responsibility towards keeping themselves clean as well. They had to have respect for themselves because Cloudstep was quickly learning that no one else would have respect for them.

Not if they didn't make sure that they demanded respect from others, not if those demands were made by them, and not served by others.

Cloudstep began to realize that her kits were all she had when her mother found a new tom. She knew him as Vineflame, a strong warrior and an even better tom than Cloudstep's father, who was now fathering his second litter of kits with his newest mate. Cloudstep knew that every sly promise and encouragement her mother had given her was waning, now that she was getting attention from someone who wasn't her lackluster daughter, confined to the nursery instead of making a reputation for herself. Cloudstep knew that everything her mother had told her and her littermate must have been dumbfounded, because Thistlebranch didn't actually love her kits, not like she always told them, because who would just abandon their kits because of their choices? Who, as Cloudstep shook with that feeling of isolation and abandonment, would just leave their family after they had the chance at a new one, at a better one?

Cloudstep favored her daughter, though love was a stretch for her. She didn't know if her love had been spent on a liar, and she didn't know if loyalty to those she had been born with and the loyalty to those she had been raised by was just something she preached about foolishly, like how the medicine cat talked about the will of StarClan.

"Mother? Will I be a strong warrior like you? Cedarstalk was telling all of us your accomplishments as an apprentice and even some of the things you managed as a warrior!" Her daughter looked up at her with gleaming eyes, mouth slightly ajar with wonderment at the amazement her mother created among the camp, among those that she ran to for stories.

Cloudstep certainly favored her daughter, that much was evident to everyone that watched how she smiled and told stories to her daughter, how she played with her daughter, and how diligently she watched her daughter, even in the clearing of the camp, where she was safest. So when her daughter asked her about a future, one that made Cloudstep think about the fact that she would grow old, that she would be replaced as one of the best warriors in the camp, she found that she couldn't fathom it. She felt that the uncertainty inside her was too much, that she liked knowing where she stood within the Clan, and she liked knowing how good of a warrior she was, without thinking about where she was going.

Age was not something Cloudstep would succumb to, no she would not, but something in the back of her mind made her realize that she had no choice in that matter, that she had no choice but to let age creep up on her and steal her achievements away, leaving her to die in her sleep while the three little things she'd given life to would surpass her.

No one she'd given the opportunity of life to would surpass her. That was not a privilege they would get, and certainly not one that they would get from her.

So Cloudstep did not answer her daughter, who continued to stare up at her with shining eyes. She left her daughter wondering what she'd said wrong, watching her mother leave the camp like she always did, where she went hunting or do whatever the Clan required because she still wanted every ounce of gratification that she got from those around her, the little compliments about the size of her catch or the fact that she was hunting as well as raising kits keeping her taking steps forward.

She found her usual place empty, which was what she liked to see. While she usually sat, she paced this time, thinking about what her future would hold. Her father had never been there, so she didn't care about losing him. She had known very young that it was only her littermate, her mother, and her, because nobody else mattered when it came to family. Her brother had always been on a path to leave the family, which started when he began to reconnect with their father because he knew what that would mean to Cloudstep and Thistlebranch. When he'd finally left them, Cloudstep only had her mother, which she thought would stay the same, until it hadn't.

Her mate had always been close with Stonetooth, even through apprenticeship, but she had fallen in love with Cloudstep. Cloudstep had fallen in love with her, and when Fernstalk had relented to her that she wanted kits, Cloudstep volunteered to take the burden, to raise the lives inside and outside of her, knowing that being a warrior was all Fernstalk had ever wanted. Now she was both a warrior and a mother, and she was a liar and cheater, someone who had played with Cloudstep's heart to a point where the warrior didn't know what to do with herself, pacing and shaking her head while she cursed the life that had been set before her, knowing that she had been wronged from the very start. She knew deep down that she would always love Fernstalk, and she would tremble with envy of Stonetooth for what he did to them, separating them and forcing them to watch each other's kits grow, knowing that they had lost something of each other. Cloudstep hated that she would always love Fernstalk because now she had to recognize the fact that she had lost something that she loved.

Cloudstep didn't want anything else other than her name to ripple through everyone's minds whenever they thought of her, whenever they thought about a nursery, whenever they thought about a tragedy. She stopped in her pacing when she had it figured out because Cloudstep realized that she did not want any connection with Fernstalk if she could not have the she-cat.

She knew three little things that would go, and she knew that they would be her method to never being forgotten.

Written by Lilli
Edited by Lamb