19.

I've been stabbed. I've been burnt before. But nothing compares to the pain that engulfs my body. It takes over a portion of my brain, rendering me incapable of any other thought. All I see is red, flames swirling around me as I writhe on the floor. A scream echoes through the room, my scream, and suddenly I'm launched into the air, flying across the room and hitting the opposite wall. Seconds feel like days of excruciating pain before a cool dampness washes over me. When I open my eyes, it is no longer red. There are no more flames, no more heat, but the strong smell of smoke and the painful tingling on my skin.

I pant on the ground, body incapable of movement. I can only tilt my head to see my arm stretched out, the sleeve of my shirt completely charred. Eric hovers above me, his hands cold as they grip my shoulders. But I can't focus on him. Across the floor is Elias. Still lying on the ground, Cassia by his side, his eyes on me. The horror in his eyes is something I'll never forget. And that's the last thing I see before everything goes black.

~

Voices echo around me in the dark void as I float in and out of consciousness. Soft voices, urgent voices, distressed voices. I'm lying on something rock hard; something digs into my back, but there's a light blanket scratching against my skin.

"You can't do that, Elias," a voice says. I can't hear the muffled response, but I hear the murmur of my name. They're talking about me.

I shift slightly, trying to pry the darkness away. When I open my eyes, the voices become clearer, more distinct. I'm in the infirmary Elias was treated in, lying flat against the table he lay on. They're not in the same room as me, slightly distant, down the hall. Shadows linger behind the sheet in the door, and the voices are hushed, muffled by distance.

I sit up, the covers falling to my waist. Somebody has changed my clothes—white sleeves cover my arms and a pair of too large, brown shorts have been secured with a ribbon around my waist. Flames flash behind my eyelids, and my heart picks up at a reminder of what happened, but physically I feel fine, just sluggish. My feet find the floor and I creep towards the tent, the voices getting louder and more intelligible. I'm about to push through and announce myself when I hear my name.

"Milena's still asleep, you can't leave now." It's Cassia, her voice low.

"We don't have any other choice. We can't wait any longer," Elias responds. My heart picks up in alarm.

"You'd really leave her here?" Malik says.

"It's safe here," he says. "Away from the hollowers, away from Cynthia... it's the best option."

"We can't leave her here, Elias, I know you think it's best but I won't do that—"

"I don't care, Malik. Don't forget who's in charge here."

"Elias." It's Eric who speaks, his voice grave. "The last few months have been hard on us all. If we leave her here... you don't know what that would do to her."

"I do." His voice is final, and it stings. "And I know it's the right thing to do to keep her safe."

Nobody responds. I wait for Eric to stick up for me, for Cassia to protest. But nobody does. I can't stay hidden any longer. I shove the curtain back. They're all standing in the hall, staring at the ground, eyes darting up at my arrival. Cassia looks at me guiltily, Eric doesn't meet my eye, and Malik steps toward me. "Milena, you're awake? How do you—"

"You were going to leave without me?" I say, staring at Elias. He meets my eye, and I can't help but think about how he looked at me when we both laying on the floor, when I felt like I was dying. "You were going to leave me here?"

He doesn't say anything in response, and my eyes burn with tears. I don't let them fall, instead, turning to face Eric. It's then that I notice the backpacks gathered around them. "You were leaving now?"

He looks at Elias before answering. "You've been asleep for nearly a day, your body needed to heal... we couldn't wait any longer or the hollowers would track us here."

They could've woken me up, or they could've carried me like we did for Elias or Cassia. And they know that, because none of them will meet my eye. Nobody except for Malik, who just observes with a sad expression.

I spin around, furious. "I'll meet you on the beach ready to leave in 10 minutes."

And then I storm off in the direction of the room Malik let me keep my stuff in, in search of some shoes and my backpack. Nobody follows me, not at first, anyway, and I don't want them to. I'm so angry I could scream. After everything we went through to get Elias back and they were just going to leave without me because it would be safer for me here. The only one who didn't agree was Malik, the one who knows me the least. It stings.

I reach the room and tear through the drawers, ignoring the strong energy that fills the room a few seconds later. "Milena."

I ignore him, tugging a sweater over my head and sitting on the lumpy bed to pull my shoes on. "Milena. Stop."

"Leave me alone," I snap, spinning around to glare at him.

He steps further into the room. "I know you're upset but—"

"Upset?" I demand. "Upset? You were going to leave me here, Elias, after everything I did to get you back and you were just going to abandon me."

He reaches for my arm. "Milena—"

"I would never do that to you and you know it," I say, pulling away to wrap my arms around myself. I stare up at him, my anger deflating and turning into pain. "Do you know how hard I've worked? How hard I've trained? I protected you from Cynthia on that island. She was going to hurt us and I stopped her. Did you know that?"

"Milena..."

"I can protect myself, Elias."

He shakes his head. "I know. I know. You're strong. You've always been strong. I knew leaving you here might make you hate me."

"Then why would you consider it?" I ask. "And don't tell me some bullshit about me being asleep. You could've woken me. You could've carried me like we did you."

"It isn't safe," he says quietly.

"So what? You never kept me out of a situation, you never tried to keep me on the sidelines because it wasn't safe, and that was before I'd done any training," I say. "I can protect myself from the hollowers, I can face Cynthia, I can help—"

He cuts me off by grabbing my right arm, shoving up my sleeve. "Look, Milena, look."

I follow his gaze. Beneath the sleeve, my arm is wrapped in white bandage. But it's speckled with blood peaking through. I look back at Elias.

"I'm not thinking about the hollowers or Cynthia, I don't need to keep you safe from them, I need you to be safe from..." His eyes burn, filled with self-loathing as he stares at my arm. "From me." He drops my hand, sighing. "The past three months... they did something to me, Milena. Before, I had some control over my abilities. But now I'm unstable, like a ticking time bomb, and for some reason, every time I'm around you it feels like I'm going to explode."

I flash with hurt. "So you were just going to leave me here? Stuck with a bunch of people I don't even know?"

"It wasn't an easy decision to make."

"It wasn't yours to make in the first place. You took the decision away from me," I say, moving away from him and pausing in the door. In a way, I understand. He thought he was doing the right thing, but that doesn't make it okay. Selfish decisions don't become selfless if the intention is good. In the doorway, I turn to look at him. "The Elias I remember wouldn't do that."

His face is blank, shadowed by something dark. "Maybe the Elias you remember is gone."

We stare at each other for a few seconds, only silence passing between us. And then I turn and walk out of the tunnel, towards the beach, wiping at my eyes and pulling my sleeve down to cover the bandage. Part of what drew me to Elias was how he believed in me—he always thought I was brave, strong, capable. After a life time of never being enough, Elias' faith in me was like a breath of fresh air.

I don't know what Elias went through the past three months. I don't know what torture Cynthia subjected him to, what pain he experienced, but I keep coming back to what he said to me on that hill, delirious. Just let me die. It was foolish of me to think everything about him would be the same.

Ever since I've known him, he's carried the guilt of every single person harmed under his rule. He's always gotten caught in the fires of other people's suffering, and now, he's let it consume him. And there's nothing I can do to pull him from the inferno.

~

DISCUSSION:

1. Do you think Elias' decision is justifiable?

2. What would you do if you were Elias? For me, I almost think it would be safer for everyone if Milena stayed behind, but I do understand her frustration and it would also really suck to be left behind, too.

3. What do you think might happen next?