I look up and everything is the same. Lance saved me. I wish I didn't have to leave in some ways. My aunt Cora will be upset around now, and she has no one to turn to. Except for her son Liam who is training in the USA to become a police officer. My uncle Phil works abroad for most of the year and only gets a 3-week vacation to see us every year. I lay there thinking that I should be grateful for my aunt, for my uncle and cousin for taking me in. Maddy comes in at 7:20 and she says that the Flower crowd are making threats again. And that they had an assembly on mental health the other day. Then Freja Pepa's roommate came into the lounge joined by T-jay and Griffin. Then Maddy leaves for school. And the rest of us are talking.

"So how are my little Jelly beans how are you all today?" Freja asks. T-jay looks unimpressed, mainly because he is in his mid-20s and has a full-blown beard as well as honey-toned skin. He is also very tall and as you can guess he has Pika as well. "Alright I guess, I really miss my best friend she is away at the moment. We would always go out for coffee on a Thursday morning." T-jay says and I understand that so I nod. Freja looks as if she should be an old woman but she is 30 her birthday also happened to be her first day in the hospital. She has thinning shoulder-length blond hair and tense skin. She has bulimia and is looking a lot more healthy after the past few weeks she has spent here, I can see that her teeth used to be white but they are yellow and her breath stank when I first met her she was having a really bad day, she was throwing up for a whole night. And I met her during that, I must have looked sad that night it was storming and I had just about gotten out of the sleep stage of my first week. We walked into her room and chatted as Pepa hadn't joined us yet at that point. Now she looks happier and better for the hospital meals and treatments. "I am struggling a little bit at the moment, I nearly lost my fight yesterday and I am talking to the PEN later. I'm sorry guys." I speak up and Griffin puts his arm around me. "Look at me Elara, you aren't broken none of us are. Our mirrors and views are just blurred and distorted, but it will be okay. Yes at moments it will be tough, and we all have those days. Where we want to give up, but we have to keep fighting this. Because our lives are out there not in here, and if we fight we can get them back. We are just tired, shattered, exhausted. We will get better, with eating, sleeping and exercising on a physical level. On a mental level, the therapy will help." Freja speaks up and I see her eyes shine. "Come here Pup, we all have our dark days and for each one of them, there will be a good day. The feeling is what makes us human and maybe that makes us feel weak some days but it can help you stay strong on others." T-jay hugs me and pulls away with a small smile. Then Griffin who has been sat anxiously speaks up, "This is going to be hard and we all know that. But we will win in the end, all these things are curable. They are demons and they won't take our souls, we can't let them. I am not giving up, not until that heart machine runs flat, not until I can't stand back up. And I want you all to be happy and stay strong no matter what happens after we leave here. You can always count on me." And I hugged him, "Me too Griffin." And the other two join in and we all cry for a moment then we smile.

The truth about me is I am shattered and nothing seems to solve that, but I have to keep going. For these guys, for my friends and Lance. I look into a full-length mirror and I smile, then a little voice says 'They are here to make you fat. To bring you closer to death and being fat as well as ugly.' I shake my head, "No they aren't. They are helping me live. You are killing me. That is how I ended up here." It screams and I breathe, then I feel this anger and I run out of the room. It is time for my psychology enquiring nurse appointment anyway. So I wait outside the door and Jasmine walks out and pats me on the back with a small smile. We talk about how I feel and I cry quite a lot and say exactly how I feel. And the nurse reminds me that ups and downs are perfectly natural. Then we talk about yesterday and she asks if I have had any more thoughts since then and I relay that I haven't which is true. I thought about Lance and Aunt Cora, not death. By the end of the hour, I feel drained but better and we have two sessions left on Thursdays before I leave.

The idea of leaving scares me, I will have one week left at school by the time I get back and Aurora is mad at me. So she will be worse than usual. But I think about now instead and I see Griffin and Jasmine in the lounge area with their meals and mine is brought over too. "Hey guys, how are you two doing?" I ask sitting in the armchair next to them. "I am a little jittery today but I am alright apart from that," Jasmine replies, she looks tired and like she could break in a moment. She is a lovely lady, but she knows that her time is running out. She is struggling to keep any food in her system, and I'm nervous for her. She always makes sure everyone else is okay, she is the mother of the ward. And it's hard to say that being me, with the car crash that destroyed my world a few years ago. "We will be okay, stay strong Jasmine. And live your life, take it back no one is shattered forever." I say. And Jasmine smiles weakly. It's like her strength is fading away and with it, those last kilograms are too, but I don't think she is scared. I mean looking at her I think she has accepted the loss. And it isn't strangling her but in the end, I know she will go like I did and I don't want that for anyone.

The nurses gather us up for our check-ups and we have blood tests, and urine tests because our risk of infection is higher. I still have low iron so they give me anaemia tablets to take with every meal, they smell like dog food but I don't care. At least they don't smell like sick or something worse. My other tests come back clear. Griffin has a low calcium intake so they give him milk with breakfast every morning, and from his results, it's working. Jasmine doesn't talk after that, she just goes back to her room and pulls the curtain. T-jay goes for a nap as he is exhausted after it. And the girls go back to their room.

So it's just me and Griffin. We talk about relatable songs, Griffin says "Scars to your beautiful, it's uplifting but so sad. And Mrs potato head by Melanie Martinez, about how body image and plastic surgery can affect someone. And of course, the theme of natural beauty being the best idea." I've heard of both of them so I nod, "What about you flame girl?" I smile at him, okay I like imaginative nicknames so what? "Broken glass by Sia, and run by BTS. They both have the message that just because you are hurt doesn't mean you have to suffer alone and that it is okay to be ill. And that people will be there for you no matter what." Griffin smiles and says "You really are amazing Elara, I mean most people would be negative in your position but not you. And that's a good sign, it will help you get through the next years of school and the next however long of life." I smile back at him.

I know I should be happy, I know I will get better and that we all have our fights. We all have our coping methods, from the healthy to the downright dangerous. We all perch on that scale from meditation to drugs or drinking. We are not perfect and that is natural and I understand that now looking into my new friends' eyes. He has struggled like me, and we both ended up here after both of our bodies shut down. You see when everything you know flips slowly upside down nothing feels normal, and you try to make it go back. In my case not eating made me feel stronger and it made everything feel real for once. I felt tired and drained after a week or so but it all started to fall into place so I kept walking. And part of me still is, and I can't stop her. Not while this demon is in control. So I must make it listen. I have to fight back, and it will be hard but it is my life I am fighting for. And I must remember that even as I get another email from Lance. I am sat in bed and it is late, I have to go offline soon. And I know that the voices will kick in and that I will have another nightmare tonight.

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Dear Elara-Flora15,

It's like 12 now, and I won't send this for a few more hours because I want to tell you something. School is manic at the moment and Jade is temporarily suspended after punching Aurora in the eye because she called her a barbie. And she said you were faking it and I saw Jade snap, then she pinned her down and thump. Then I dragged her away. Into the closet which we always meet in while Aurora is bullying you or Maddy and I try to calm her down. Then she screams out something, You love her Lance, and she loves you. Don't you get it, no one loves me. And I was left alone and Jade wouldn't talk to me. Not for the past 3 days. And I feel helpless. Can you try and talk to her if you see her? Pretty please.

So Elara, is it true? Do you love me? I know that I Love you, I have for many years. You don't have to love me back or say I love you let's go out. Life is a complicated labyrinth but it's easier to navigate it with others helping you. I learnt that from Jade and I will never forget it. And you taught me that we all have the strength to be kind even when everything goes wrong. And we will be okay, and if you want to be just friends then we will be and vice versa. Excuse my lack of non-geeky flirting, I happen to get nervous around beautiful girls. I say that but it's only you.

How are you doing since the other day? How did the PEN appointment go? And are you well? Hope to hear back from you soon, Lance x

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Oh lance, always thinking of me first even when everything is falling apart around him. I will write back to him tomorrow morning. And I have to go soon so I will write how Jade responded last. Jade wrote to me yesterday saying that she was really upset and angry because something had happened at school. And she told me that Lance had told her that Aurora wasn't worth it. And he didn't know that Jade liked a less poisonous version of her, her stepsister Macy. And Macy had texted her that morning warning her, then after she hugged her. You see Jade had been crying in her room because Macy had said she wasn't good enough for someone like Jade, and she too had tried to fade away. Jade called her phone and her parents found her. Macy hadn't messaged since Jade was devastated. And she didn't want Lance to worry, but in doing so she had made him worry more.

So I will think about Lance as I drift off tonight I mean how could any girl not. Especially when he says that he loves you. And he keeps you going when times get tough. I love his geeky smile, his laugh that sounds like helium gas filling balloons. His thick electric blue curls and black-rimmed glasses which reflect light off of his violet eyes. And his pointy jaw line that is more perfect than any image in the whole world. My Lance-a-lot it has a ring to it don't you think?

-Elara over and out xx