Gah! Kyle looks pissed. Oh God, that's never good! What if he blows our cover?! Ah! That would be way too much pressure! Someone punched my arm lightly. I glare in their direction, but then realise it's just Craig.

"Tweek, calm the fuck down." Gah! How does he know how to read me so well? Wait, he said to relax. Come on... relax... Jesus! That's way too much pressure! Oh God, I need more coffee.

"M'kay, now that the boys are back we will get on with today's lesson. N-Now class, PC Principal is upset, M'kay, because you haven't been taught homosexual sex ed yet, M'kay. Especially since we seem to have a growing number of homosexuals in the class."

"There are no homosexuals in this class!" Kyle yelled angrily from his chair. Oh God.

"Kyle, I wouldn't expect this level of ignorance from you," said Wendy hotly. "Stop being so bigoted in front of Tweek and Craig!"

"I'm not being bigoted! The two of them are pretending to be gay for some unknown reason! Neither of them are actually gay!" Ah! How did he work it out?! Okay, relax, relax.

"Kyle. If I say I'm gay then I'm fucking gay dude. Just because you're confused about your own sexuality, and refusing to admit you're camp as fuck doesn't mean you should take your anger out on me and Tweek." Gah! Kyle is practically seething with anger. Craig is good at this whole act though. The whole room is way too quiet and that is way too much pressure.

Mr Mackay isn't even telling Craig off for swearing! He used to tell him off for swearing every time he did it but now we're 'out' he doesn't say anything. Once he even gave Craig some cash after he gave him the finger. That really pissed Craig off.

"Mmm kay, so who can tell me how gay men have sex?" Every single girl raised her hand.

"Mm Kay... It's good that so many of you know already. Wendy, how about, how about you explain." 

"Well first off the seme prepares the uke by..." I decided to block out whatever horrible process Wendy was talking about in favour of watching Craig and Kyle have a staring contest, which was getting tense as fuck! Eventually Kyle gave up because no one can beat Craig at a staring contest; I don't actually think he can blink. Oh God! What if something gets in his eyes and he has no way to get it out? He might go blind! I forced myself to breathe deeply, go to my happy place and I managed to calm down a little.

Kyle then dropped his head to the table letting out groans that sounded like 'Why me?' I felt for him. I remember that being me and Craig not so long ago. Stan looked really confused, poor guy. Eric was smirking; that look he gets whenever he had some God-awful plan, and Kenny, well, he looked the same as usual, though, with his hood up he always looks the same.

I turned my attention back to Mr Mackay.

"Very good, Wendy, that sounded like a very accurate description." Seeing as Mr Mackey hadn't understood straight sex all that long ago I highly doubted he understood gay sex. I also had a feeling that Wendy had given the class a romanticised explanation, which was totally inaccurate. Oh God, now everyone knows the wrong information! Ah! "Mm Kay, now PC principal also wanted me to go over consent, mm kay, so, why don't the boys who just got the talk explain. Kyle, could you and whoever you're currently dating give us a demonstration? You're dating Stan, right?"

Before Kyle could yell at him in protest Wendy shouted, "No he's not! He's dating Kenny!"

"He's not dating Kenny; he's dating Eric!" screeched Red.

"Bitch, where is there even a single ounce of evidence for that? Kyman's a terrible pairing!" yelled Bebe.

"Oh, there's plenty of evidence hoe! Ask Nichole! Cartman confessed his love to Kyle in front of a stadium full of people!" she replied.

"Yeah, okay, but Kyle clearly doesn't like him back! He's obviously with Stan!" replied Bebe, exasperated.

"Girls, please calm down," said Wendy, not yelling this time. Oh, thank God; it's going to stop. "You're both completely wrong! I told you he's with Kenny!" she almost screamed. I started pulling my hair in panic. I then felt someone gently pull my hands away from my hair. I gave Criag a quick smile in gratitude.

"You're just saying that cause you're a slut that wants to get with Stan and Cartman! You have no shipping integrity!" screamed Red.

"I second that!" shouted Bebe.

"Oh, both of you are going down," said Wendy rolling down her sleeves.

"Bring it on bitch!" chorused the other two. Soon the three of them were in a fistfight on the floor. Oh God! I'd never seen the girls get this crazy before! Mr Mackey was uselessly trying to get them to stop. Most of the boys looked horrified, and the remaining girls were cheering one of the three girls on. It was chaos.

"Stan, get you're bitch ass girlfriend to stop being a psycho!" yelled Eric, he was normally happy to watch fights, especially girl fights, so now I was really worried about what he had planned.

"Dude, we broke up remember? Not my fucking problem this time. Not. My. Problem," said Stan actually sounding happy about the breakup for once. I'm actually not sure what they broke up about this time. It's hard to keep track.

"Kahl, just tell them we're dating and they'll stop."

"We're not dating fatass! We never were and we are never going to! All four of us are straight!" Kyle yelled glaring at his three friends.

"Says the guy who sucked my balls." With that line all the girls were silent. Red froze with her fist still grasping Wendy's hair. Bebe froze just before she could kick Red. And Wendy froze just before she would have punched Bebe in the face; there was some blood drizzling down her face. They all stared intensely at Cartman, hanging on his every word in disbelief.

"That was your imagination fatass! Don't you twist this for you own horrible gain, Cartman! Don't you fucking dare!" yelled Kyle.

"I dunno Kahl, looked pretty real to me," said Eric in his signature manipulate voice. I had a feeling that this was going to get bad. Really bad and spiral the fuck out of control. Oh god! 

"If we've been dating this entire time then why haven't we come out! Does that mean you were cheating on Heidi when you guys were dating?"

"Why yes Kahl. Heidi was simply my beard. By beard I mean someone I pretend to date to hide the fact that I'm with Kyle. Kyle's a sensitive soul you see. He's too embarrassed and scared to come out, so I devised a plan to keep him feeling happy and safe. I am sorry Heidi. I hope you can forgive me one day," he said while faking remorse.

"I know you're lying Cartman. You're just manipulating this situation just like you manipulated me. I don't believe any of this bullshit and neither should any of you," said Heidi throwing in her opinion. She's gotten a lot better since she finally dumped Eric for good. Pretty much back to her usual self.

"Thank you Heidi. I'm not gay and neither is he; he's just got some twisted plan! No one listen to what he says."

"Ah Kahl, so in denial. You're like the gayest guy here."

"Cartman, what the actual fuck are you on about?" said Kyle seething with anger at this point.

"Think back to when the metrosexual trend." Oh God, that's not something I want to remember. "Who was the only guy not following the trend? Why it was you, Kahl. And why was that? Because you have to keep up the straight act more than the rest of us because you are in the closet." He's good, I'll give him that. Oh God, poor Kyle, so much pressure!

"No, I didn't follow that trend because it was stupid and I wanted to be myself. Now shut the fuck up Cartman, apologise to Heidi and help me explain that we are all straight!" Before Cartman could fire back Stan spoke up.

"Kyle, if you were gay, which of the three of us would you date. It would be me, right?" he said tentatively, in a very confused voice.

"Um..." before Kyle could finish whatever he was going to say Cartman yelled,

"Shut the fuck up Stan, Kahl and I are dating. I'm the obvious choice! I'm the best looking and the most buff!" Then Kenny mumbled something. I got a couple words but not the gist of it. "What do you mean Kyle would date you? Why would he date you Kinny, you're poor!" Kenny mumbled something back. "Because you're better at sex? Kenny, I am totally better at sex than you!" another mumble. "Aye! I am not a virgin!" Soon, the two of them were in a heated verbal spat. I turned my attention back to Stan and Kyle.

"Well Kyle?" Stan asked, Kyle seemed frozen in place and all the chatterbox could seem to manage was an 'err...' Then the bell rang and Kyle sprinted out the room so fast I almost didn't catch the moment. When that happened, the girls let out a collective squeal of glee, which erupted into excited chatter.

"Oh my God! So he isn't with any of them yet!" Bebe squealed excitedly.

"And they're all going to court him!" said Red practically drooling.

"Alright girls, let's document the whole thing! May the best ship win!" said Wendy enthusiastically and, after another squeal, they all followed her out of the classroom. I could have sworn the girls were actually pretty normal yesterday. Do they just hide that most of the time? Or did they only just go mad?

Xxx

Hey guys~ Just to say, no idea how frequently I will be updating this. Also, Hoc est Bellum is Latin for 'This is War!'