A night sky. A street. A sewer manhole. The manhole shakes and light begins to flood out.

🎵Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Heroes in a half-shell—🎵

"Whoa. Stop the music," I said. "This is my story. If we're playing anyone's theme song, it should be mine."

"Dude," said Michelangelo, "you have a theme song?"

"Eh...More like a collection of words and notes combined in a semi-congruent way."

"Oh, now we've got to hear it," said Raphael. "Play the tape!"

"Pfft," said Donatello. "Who uses tape? Stream that song!"

...

🎵Grab your shoes,

grab your gear,

adventure's on its way

Dogboy!

He's no ordinary pup

Dogboy!

A hero through and through

Dogboy!

Adventure's waiting just...for...youuu

Dogboy!

Danger's creeping through the night.

Don't fret; the Fido of Freedom is in sight.

Dogboy!

With the Pack at his side,

No evil shall deride

It's time to put out the call

to Bad Guys one and all...

"Beware the Dog"🎵

***

It was a dark and stormy night. No, really, it was. Two artists decided to have a character sketching brainstorming-contest. It was either that or another night of bad reruns on television. The sketches got more and more ridiculous, each trying to one-up the other, until finally a drawing of an anthropomorphic turtle was born. Not wanting to be out done, the other artist drew four turtles and made them ninjas. A sudden clatter in the bathroom made the pair turn.

***

I found myself on the tile floor of a bathroom. My head felt like a ship in a sea storm. In the tub was Hank, as Hermes. The 12-year-old with dark hair looked kind of cute cuddling his Caduceus like a teddy bear as he "napped." The reincarnated god began to stir as I surveyed our surroundings. With a stretch and yawn, he dropped the Caduceus and instantly reverted back into Hank. He now barely fit into the tub as he transformed into a mid-30s man with a French crop haircut and beard. Hank was a little more muscular than Hermes and quite a bit taller.

Hank stumbled in confusion as he tried to escape the tub. "Where? What happened?" He then spotted me. "Oh." Hank has no memories of his time as Hermes, though he did eventually learn of his "time share" thanks to a run-in with me. Hermes, on the other hand, does remember.

Hermes, long ago, was a normal human until he was abducted by an alien race known as the Xacians. They infused his body with phantasmic energy. In so doing, they created a being of pure energy, much like they had with the other test subjects. Trouble was they were now "gods," and they didn't like their abductors much. Long story short, the gods beat the aliens but not for long. The aliens returned and turned humanity against the gods. The gods were killed in Ragnarok; but since they were beings of phantasmic energy, they were reborn as the new gods of humanity. Over time, they've been killed and reborn many times, each time as a trending idol of humanity. They've been celebrities, MyVideo stars; and at one point, fidget spinners. Eventually, they grew tired of the endless cycle. Many now aim to end it by ending humanity. Others, like Hermes, are trying to protect humanity from these vengeful "gods."

Hank gave me a death glare. "I was right in the middle of stealing a priceless artifact." Stealing priceless artifacts, that was how Hank got mixed into this. He was hired by Adam Helios to steal the Caduceus of Hermes; but once Hank touched the staff, he was transformed into a more modern version of the Greek god. He woke as a preteen with no memory. Eventually, he bumped into Sportsgirl and me.

Hank grumbled as he retrieved a modern Caduceus befitting a messenger god: an Omni-Cuff. Hank hooked the headset to his ear and tapped it three times. In a flash of light, he became the sneaker-wearing god of thieves. "I don't know how you managed to talk me into this. If we retrieved the artifact, we would prevent the return of an African myth deity. One, I might add, that does not like humanity." Hermes moved his staff to his back; it stuck with a magnetic crackle.

"Sorry, but seeing as you're the god of travelers, you're the only one I know that can travel realms effortlessly." I rubbed the back of my head. "And I might have let the All-Map fall into the hands of—"

A gasp alerted us to our guest. One of the artists stood still with his mouth dangling open. "What is going on?"

We didn't get a chance to explain as the door to the apartment blew apart. A second later, robotic men dressed as ninjas entered followed by a man dressed in a kabuto, cape, and way too many blades. He slowly turned to face the two artists then lowered his head to the drawing of the four turtles. "Finally," the Shredder said in a deep voice, "my vengeance against the Turtles is complete. With the destruction of this pathetic rendering, they will cease to exist."

"Not if I have anything to say about it." I quickly transformed into my alter ego: Dogboy.

"A mutant dog?!" said the Shredder. "Will I ever be free of mutants?"

"Hey! I'm not a mutant! I'm an alien-human hybrid...totally different."

"Attack!" shouted Shredder as Hermes joined me.

But before the Foot Soldiers could attack, four humanoid turtles in orange, purple, blue, and red masks smashed through the window.

"Sorry we're late to the party," said Leonardo, the leader in blue, "but Mikey had to stop for pizza before using Donny's time portal."

"This is getting insane!" said one of the artists.

The Turtles faced the artists. "Getting?"

"Foot Soldiers, destroy those meddlesome Turtles."

The robotic ninjas charged towards us. Hermes clicked his sneakers and flipped his hood. Wings stretched out from the sneakers and hood. With a zip, he was standing on top of a Foot Soldier's head. "First the Hand, now the Foot. What's next? The Elbow Ninja Clan? The Kneecap?" A soldier fired at Hermes, but he sped off in a whoosh of air. The blast hit the soldier he'd perched on and turned it into scrap.

Raphael, the muscle in red, smashed through a group of Foot Soldiers. He sliced with his sai and crushed with his fists. Leo was a little more elegant, looking more like a ninja than a brawling wrecking ball. Michelangelo, the party dude in orange, danced around the battlefield as if he were on stage. Donatello, the inventor in purple, used more precise attacks. He calculated each attack and most of his strikes ended in a chain reaction that demolished multiple foes. My attacks, on the other hand, were mostly aimed at anything that wasn't green or Hermes' shaped.

I mashed my fist through one soldier, pulverizing its processor. Hermes drew my attention with a shout. "Look, Dogboy..." He used his staff to transform a Foot Soldier into a soccer ball. "Foot ball." He kicked the ball at another soldier, causing it to lose its head.

"Enough!" Shredder's voice commanded. We all froze in various fighting positions. Shredder held the drawing. "Now it ends." We gasped. "Tonight I dine on turtle soup." We cried out, but he still sliced the paper like it was a block of mozzarella. We all watched as the pieces floated to the ground. Shredder laughed.

But, nothing happened.

"I expected Heaven to be cleaner," said Mikey. "Oh no! Chrome Dome's here! We went to the Other Place!"

"Why didn't it work?" asked Raph.

"I have a theory," said Donny. He pointed to the two artists. "They're artists; they can draw it again."

"Is that so?" said Shredder.

"Donny," said Raph, "why'd you say that out loud!?"

"Oops."

Shredder grabbed one of the artists and held him at blade-point. "Now, we finish this."

"You are so going in the garbage can after I draw you," said the artist.

"Ironic," I muttered.

"How do we stop him?" asked Leo.

"With this!" Hermes produced a belt. It was Shredder's.

"How'd you—?" Leo asked.

"What part of 'god of thieves and tricksters' did you not get?"

Shredder's pants dropped; he gasped; I teleported over and rescued the artist.

"Turtle...POWER!!" shouted the TMNT as they jumped towards Shredder in a group kick.

POW!!

***

Shredder was soon returned to his world thanks to Hermes. The two artists shook all our hands. "How can we ever thank you?" one asked.

"Just skip over the black and white, mature version and go straight to the kid-friendly TMNT," I said. I heard a cough from behind me. The four Turtles glared at me and tapped their weapons against their palms. "On second thought, forget about it. But seriously, don't let Michael Bay near them."

"Hmm...done."

Mikey whispered to Donny, "That can't change things too much...can it?"

______

Words: 1496

Entry for the "Major" prompt from Fanfic Bootcamp

https://www.wattpad.com/599067270-fanfic-bootcamp-round-6-major-25-july-to-3-aug%0D