"Do you have a change of clothes with you?" I blurted out as we approached city limits.

Stellan threw me a quick, puzzled glance. "Yes, in my bag. Just boxers, jeans and a shirt. Why?"

I took a deep breath and surged on before I could think better of it. "Carmela has thrown a small birthday dinner for me in the last couple years. She's hosting one at her condo tonight—Sid and Jamie will be there. Maybe a couple guys from the crew and their girlfriends, depending on who can make it. I was going to go home, clean up and grab a party platter or something like it to take with me because the guys eat like horses so you can never have too much food. I was wondering if you'd like to join us."

Stellan turned to me fully but didn't say anything for what felt like an entire minute that I had to glance at him, hesitant. "Wanna go? That is, if you don't have any plans tonight."

"I would love to if you're comfortable with it," he answered so simply it didn't feel fair that I just rambled everything out before this.

"Of course, if Lily was in town, she would've been welcome, too," I added lamely, only realizing a second later that we both knew that wasn't totally true.

This is why being too big a part of each other's lives is not sustainable. You can't lie forever.

He smirked and shrugged. "Yeah. Let's go."

About half an hour later, we parked at my underground stall and made our way up to my unit.

I knew there was a risk of getting snapped together today but chances were low considering the kind of places we'd hit up. My condo had a little more traffic but it was a pretty average building that it was unlikely some pap would be creeping around the parkade. Nosy neighbors might be a different story—and Stellan and I did make quite a memorable-looking couple with our physical differences which was why we avoided public outings before—but we looked so disheveled and gritty, I wasn't worried anyone would look twice at us.

"You can shower if you want," I told him as I started putting away any leftover snacks from my cooler. "Between the sunscreen, the sand and the diner grease, you can probably use one."

Stellan grinned and sniffed his shirt. "That bad?"

"You never smell bad to me but you know what I mean," I told him before grabbing a couple of fresh towels from the linen closet.

"You never smell bad to me either," Stellan said solemnly as he grabbed his bag and followed me to the bathroom where I'd started rummaging through one of the vanity drawers. "There are studies that put a lot of stock on pheromones—"

I held up a freshly packaged toothbrush to stop him. "Let's not talk pheromones or the things they're often associated with. Please."

Stellan just sighed and grabbed the toothbrush from me.

As if on fire from the quick mental image of water sluicing down his naked, perfect body, I rushed out of the bathroom and shut the door behind me.

Obviously, I did this to myself when I invited him over but it felt wrong not to considering the length he'd gone to so I could attend his birthday party. I've won back my self-control in the last two years—I should be able to survive being alone with Stellan in close quarters for at least the next couple of hours.

While he was showering, I called up a local cheese shop to order one of their large charcuterie kits. Carmela already had a pretty large board I'd made for her by hand. I just needed the dozen or so items to go on it. The guys sometimes say it's too fancy but they could sweep down on that thing in minutes and lick the board clean.

Five minutes later, Stellan stepped out of the bathroom dressed in his spare outfit, only slightly wrinkled and devastatingly sexy with damp, messy hair and bare feet.

For a moment there, I imagined this would be what he would look like hanging out at home with me on our days off, if we were actually together.

Heaviness started to settle in my chest and I had to quickly quell it away.

"Feel free to watch TV or whatever while I get myself cleaned up," I said, tossing him the remote as I passed him on my way to my bedroom. "If you're hungry, there are snacks in the pantry and some fruits in the fridge."

He gently tugged at my hand just as I almost cleared him so I had no choice but to glance back at him over my shoulder.

"You're jumpy," he said, releasing my hand. "It's just me, Kady."

"Which is exactly why I'm jumpy." I sighed. "I'll be fine. A shower will help clear my head."

He didn't say anything else. Just walked over to the couch and sank down on it.

I didn't really need a half hour to shower and get myself ready, even if fixing my hair could take some extra time. But that's how long I spent away from him because a little distance was necessary. Inviting him to my birthday dinner didn't have to be a mistake.

When I stepped back out into the living room, I was dressed in a simple black T-shirt dress that flattered my shape without detailing its every curve, and accessorized with minimal gold jewelry.

The TV was off and the space was completely quiet.

I approached the couch from behind and found Stellan stretched out on it, fast asleep, with one arm thrown over his head and another wrapped around a cushion.

My heart tripped at the familiar sight of his face in repose—the sweep of his dark lashes, the relaxed laugh lines on the outer corners of his eyes and mouth, the slight part of his lips that looked just about enough to fit against mine.

Watching Stellan sleep had been one of my favorite things in all our time together. It was time when I could pretend he was mine in the fullest sense of the word.

Just like I'm doing right now.

A little sigh escaped me and I took a light knit throw from one of the armchairs and gently draped it over him. Then I carefully slipped off his glasses and rested them on the coffee table.

It was only around three.

I could let him sleep for a little longer before we had to go pick up the food and drive over to Carmela's.

Besides, he probably needed it.

This man's brain was always racing with a thousand different complex thoughts, always analyzing, always problem-solving. And he did it without cynicism, much like a fascinated child, and with the startling brilliance of someone who simply had a very different view of the world and the society who lived in it. He rarely rested and he would never complain about it. But moments like these, I'm reminded that he was just a man with a limit, a breaking point.

The world will be alright for a little while, I told him in my mind, smiling softly as I brushed back a lock of hair from his forehead.

Then, I stepped away.

Sitting cross-legged on the rug not too far from the couch, I spent the next half hour replying to a few email greetings and uploading the photos from the beach.

I'd expanded one of our photos together into full-screen, taking in every detail of our bright gazes and broad smiles. We looked happy. We looked like we were exactly where wanted to be in that moment.

This could've been one of the hundreds of photos we could've taken together had things worked out perfectly from the very beginning. I could be now looking at photos of us with a couple little ones—a family I'd never dreamed I could have before.

Taking a deep breath, I minimized the photo, clicked on it and the other thumbnails before right-clicking to look for the delete option.

It would not be fair to him or Lily to keep these photos. To send him a copy.

And no matter how I felt, no matter how it broke my heart, I wasn't going to undermine Stellan's happiness.

The least complicated thing I could do is delete them. The memories from today would have to be enough.

My hand on the mouse trembled in a moment of indecision before I gasped out in frustration and clicked out of that sub-menu, leaving the photos safe and intact in the memory key.

That decision will have to wait another day.

I closed my laptop and glanced at Stellan who was still sleeping quietly.

Because he needed to be just extra perfect, Stellan didn't snore.

He slept like a GQ model on a magazine spread.

Gently, I reached out and tapped the back of my hand on his lower leg. He didn't budge.

"Stellan, it's time to go," I said softly, trying to nudge him awake again.

He also slept like the dead.

When this man decided to rest, he really rested.

Finally, I resorted to the only trick I knew that worked that didn't involve any sexy ministrations—I tickled the flat of his belly.

Not even a minute into that, his eyes fluttered open.

He looked like he didn't know exactly where he was for a moment there but then his gaze landed on me and he gave me that slow, lazy smile he always did when he woke up. My thighs clenched with frustration.

"I'm sorry, I fell asleep," he said in a voice lower and raspier than normal as he rubbed one eye. "Are we late?"

"No but we do have to scoot out in ten minutes," I said as I got up to my feet and offered a hand to him. "Come on!"

He took my hand but instead of pulling himself up, he pulled me down until half my ass was perched on what little part of the couch he wasn't on.

"You remembered how to wake me up," he said, resting my hand that he'd been holding flat against his stomach where I'd tickled him earlier.

I rolled my eyes and tried to play it cool. "Well, it's hard to forget if it's the only thing that works."

I almost followed that up with the question of whether Lily knows that trick or not but I caught myself before I could ask.

"I'm really glad you're letting me spend your birthday with you," he said quietly before lifting my hand and brushing a light kiss on the back of it.

I took a deep breath and playfully smacked him on the arm before pulling myself up to my feet again. "And I won't regret it if you don't make me late for my own birthday dinner. Come on, you total bum."

Ten minutes later, we were back in my car. Cavern Cheese & Cold Cuts was a little farther from my place than Carmela's and with the rush hour downtown, it took a little bit more time to get there.

"Stay here so I don't get your pretty face plastered all over the gossip columns tomorrow," I told him before hopping out of the car. I didn't think anyone really recognized us today but Cobalt Bay's downtown central had a decent number of paps considering there were many celebrities living here instead of LA in hopes of keeping a lower profile.

It only took me about fifteen minutes to make it back to the car with two large cardboard boxes stacked together. Stellan insisted on keeping them on his lap even though with this height, he was already a little cozy in his seat but he would not be talked out of it.

Carmela's condo building was very similar to mine, maybe just a few years older, but it was a five-minute walk to where she worked. Her unit came with an underground parking stall but since she didn't have a car and Jamie's suburban was a little too big, I usually ended up using it. I parked there and nervously waited the short elevator ride to Carmela's tenth-floor unit.

"You think people are going to ask questions?" Stellan asked.

I snorted. "Nope. They'll do worse and make assumptions in their heads without confirming with either of us. Even Carmela."

You would think a man who had a girlfriend would bristle at that but Stellan has uncharacteristically done many things today that wouldn't have been what a man with a girlfriend would've done.

He reinforced that observation by asking, "Do you think they'll like me?"

I raised a brow at him. "What are you even talking about? Most of them have met you and like everyone else on this planet who has, there's no doubt they already like you."

He rolled his eyes. "I mean, that they'll like me for you."

My mouth couldn't close itself quickly enough but before I could say anything, Stellan shrugged and added, "I'm genuinely curious because I never had to wonder about it back then when we were together and you wouldn't tell a soul about it. You weren't exactly dragging me to intimate dinners with family and friends."

The concept of Stellan being anxious about something so normal to someone in a relationship would've been hysterical if it also wasn't fucking sad. Because despite how long and intensely we'd been together, we missed out on so much of the normal stuff.

I cleared my throat and looked away. "I'm sure they'd all think I could do so much worse than you, considering that I clearly have in the past. But that doesn't really matter so don't worry about it. Just enjoy the food, if not the company. Carmela's a great cook."

The rich, heady smell of roast that greeted us when the door opened double-downed on that claim.

"Hey," was all Jamie said a nod before taking the boxes of food from Stellan. "Come in."

I shot Stellan a sideways glance. "And you think I'm a ray of sunshine?"

"Jamie is just a man of very few but important words," he murmured to me just as we stepped into the living room.

"Kady, hey!" Tash, Angelo's wife and a lovable chatterbox on supercharged batteries, came out of nowhere and giddily flung her arms around me in an awkward hug. She was about seven months pregnant so I had to sidestep the belly. "Happy birthday, girl!"

I laughed and tried my best to hug her back. "Tash, so good to see you. How are you? And how's Anj Junior?"

Tash groaned. "He is not letting me sleep! He loves to kick and breakdance right around two in the morning. I'm exhausted!"

"Well, you don't look like it. You're glowing as usual."

"You're too good to me. But hey, I just had a couple of cheesecake bites so he's jacked on sugar. Want to feel him?"

"Of course!" My heart squeezed when Tash took my hand to press it on one side of her belly. It took no more than two seconds before I felt a few feisty jabs. "Is that a foot?"

"I'm pretty sure it's an elbow." Then the baby shifted and suddenly something broader pushed against the stomach like it was trying to burst out of there. Tash gasped out a curse. "Now that is a foot. Can you see its shape?"

It wasn't very distinct but the lump had funky rectangular-ish shape to it. I turned to Stellan who'd been quietly observing the whole time. "Does that look like a foot?"

Stellan leaned in a bit closer, his brows furrowing. "It does look like a foot."

"And you look like a dream," Tash said as if she'd just noticed his presence. Her eyes widened, expression turning very appreciative. "Hello, handsome."

"Natasha, please!" Angelo called out from the living room where he and Kevin were playing video games, with Jamie and Mason watching. One of the guys would usually haul an XBOX over to dinners like this. "You're embarrassing me, woman!"

"Call me woman again and I'm going to do more than embarrass you, man!" she shot back at him without a change in her smiling expression.

I just rolled my eyes. "Tash, this is Stellan. Stellan, this is Tash. She's married to Angelo and despite appearances, they're crazy about each other."

"Nice to see you again, man,"Angelo said distractedly, echoed by Kevin and Mason. Mason wasn't at Stellan's birthday party but the other two were.

"Kady has never brought a date to one of these things in all the time I've known her so you must be special," Tash said excitedly and as much as I loved her, I wanted to clamp my hand around her mouth.

"He's just a good friend. He's not here as my date," I grumbled as we followed Tash into the kitchen where Carmela was in the middle of aggressively stirring a pot of gravy. Phoebe, Mason's girlfriend, was unboxing the kit I brought while Sidney assembled the charcuterie board. They did a combination of grinning at me and wiggling their brows teasingly after a glance at Stellan. I just rolled my eyes.

"There's the birthday girl!" Carmela called out. "Come here and give me a hug. I can't step away from this or it's going to get lumpy."

I came over and gave her a quick hug. Then from over my shoulder, she said hi to Stellan, quite enthusiastically, I might add.

She pulled away and gave me a meaningful look. "I'm glad you're taking initiative."

She'd said that under her breath but the teasing glint in her eye was hard to miss.

"Can we try not to make too much out of this?" I said to her just before a someone slipped a plastic tiara over my head from behind.

"Ta-da!" Sidney said when I turned to face him. He gave me a bear hug and went to straighten the tiara. "Now, you really look like the queen you were always meant to be."

It was the same dollar-store tiara Sidney's made me wear the last two years of my birthday dinner. It was a little embarrassing but I bore it with a sweet smile because it was Sidney.

"Thanks, Sid. You're the bestest best friend," I gave him a hug—these birthday dinners were always full of them—and walked over to a grinning Stellan to show it off. "So. What do you think?"

He just raised both hands and lowered them slightly along with his head a couple of times. "All hail, Queen Kady."

I burst out laughing and he joined in, and for a second I forgot where we were and who was around us.

"In all seriousness," he said, his laughter quieting down to a soft smile. He reached out and brushed back a couple errant curls that had fallen over my forehead. "You're magnificent."

If I take into account all the details, this was definitely not the birthday I've dreamed of in the last couple of years.

But if I leave them out of focus and just take in this moment, right here, it was as perfect as it can be.

And maybe that was how I looked at the rest of the evening, as I sat there with the man I loved and the people who formed the family of my heart.

We didn't run out of delicious food, laughter and easy conversation.

Thankfully, Stellan and I were spared from too much teasing or insinuation. Everyone talked and acted like he'd always been part of this, and maybe he was. Always that missing half of me who had a place in everything I said or did even without being physically there.

Since the night I laid eyes on him at my birthday party, I'd been ruined for all men.

There had never been anyone else since and maybe there never will be.

I hope the latter wouldn't hold true because I'd like a family of my own someday and I know that, even if he's spending his life with someone else, that he'd want to see me settled down and happy. Because that's how you properly love someone.

When it was getting late and I got up from an exhausted round of charades (yes, we are lame but in a cool way) to announce that I was driving Stellan home, people practically shooed us out of there. Carmela was the only one who held back a little, sweetly yelling at Stellan on the way out that she expected to see him at next year's dinner. I pulled him away before he could reply and my so-called family and friends could embarrass us further.

It was only when we hit the highway that he finally spoke.

"I could've called Winslow to pick me up," he said.

I shrugged. "I love all those people but I was ready to quit that party myself. It was a good excuse. Besides, I thought you wanted me to see the house."

"It's practically midnight. It might be a little dark for a site assessment," he said.

"So you really do want to build a playhouse."

"Well, with the scale I'm going for, it's more like a mini adventure-park but yes, I do. Did you think I was making it up?"

I glanced at him and even in the poor lighting inside the car, I could see his earnest expression. "I believe you."

He didn't seem convinced. "I have an initial site plan. Obviously, they'll have to change depending on your recommendations but I thought I'd plan out a basic design. I have the blueprints and a copy of the digital file waiting for you at home."

I chuckled. "Only you would ever entice a woman to go home with you with promises of a site plan."

He grinned. "In that case, I should've probably mentioned those first thing in the morning. It's only almost eighteen hours later."

"And miss all of today?" I asked, feigning outrage. "I had an amazing time."

There was a heavy pause before he softly asked, "Did you, really?"

I smiled at him. "I did. Thank you for the company."

I meant it with all my heart.

It had a been a weird day—a rollercoaster of emotions, if I had to be real honest about it—but I didn't regret a single second of it.

Because this is how I'd want to remember today—the last birthday I'd ever share with him.

"Thanks for letting me be a part of it," he said, and a I felt a pang because I couldn't quite tell him that he would never be a part of it again.

I would do Stellan's project—and I was going to put all my heart and soul into it—as a parting gift.

My hope is that even as our lives intersect less and less over the years, he would smile when he looked at the playhouse and remember me.

"How do we get in?" I asked as we approached the gate to his property. There were a couple of cameras out front but I didn't see any kind of comms anywhere.

"Give me a sec," Stellan said as he fiddled with something on his phone. When he caught me watching, he winked. "GPS verification. And done. Please drive in."

The gates parted open.

Following the curved driveway, we passed the massive and heavily-treed front yard until we came to the front door of a very unique-looking house.

At first glance, it had the look and feel of a Frank Lloyd Wright design—a sprawling, one-story structure with straight roof lines and floor-to-ceiling glass walls everywhere that seemed to make the whole house glimmer in the soft moonlight.

"Wow." I sucked in a breath as I slipped out of the car and walked up the front steps. "This is... this is incredible."

Stellan grinned, standing next to me with his bag and his board. "And you haven't even seen all of it. The house is built on the slope of this property, which is a small hill, actually. From the back of the house, on the main level, you can look up to see the outline of the canyon or you can look down to a sizeable backyard and about twenty acres of essentially woodlands right behind it."

"It looks like something Frank Lloyd Wright might have designed."

He shrugged. "It might have been. There's only ever been one owner before me and he was a little coy about the architect."

My mouth dropped open. "No way! He couldn't have designed something like this and not show it off."

"Who knows?" Stellan just shrugged again before grabbing my hand and pulling me inside. "Come on.You need to see the backyard."

I could've spent hours just checking out every nook and cranny of the house but as excited as I was, I didn't want to run into any evidence of Lily's presence in the house. So other than stopping and admiring a few features throughout the main space while waiting for Stellan who had to grab the site plans, I pretty much marched my way to the back.

And Stellan seriously underplayed just how stunning the view was from there.

The 'backyard' was immaculately landscaped but it captured a very organic flow of the natural area that surrounded it. There was a vast expanse of grass with large ancient trees dotting it and a stone path winding its way around. The back of the house cascaded into two additional lower levels that were built into the side of the hill. Once Stellan was back, we walked straight out from the main floor to a large deck and down a wide set of stairs that stopped at each outdoor space of the two lower levels. The bottom of the stairs led to the stone-tiled patio with a generous entertaining space on one side and a large rectangular pool on the other. The pool house, an oversized work shed, and what looked like a sizeable two-story building that Stellan said was the staff quarters, shared the same look and large panoramic windows of the main house.

The rest of it was just more grass and trees until the trees got thicker and closer together to form the 'woods'.

"Is the rest of it really untouched?" I asked, wondering just how far back the property stretched. It was dark but there was low lighting for much of the space from discreet lighting fixtures that blended into the landscape.

"I've left much of it as it is but I do have a few people who tend to it, maintain the fences and keep the trails we've etched out from getting overgrown. You can take a nice long walk through it and back," Stellan said. "It helps me a lot when I need to think things through and I can't do it inside my office or my shop. It's also pretty safe. Since it's fully fenced, there's very little danger of running into wild animals save the random squirrel here and there. There is also a pretty sophisticated surveillance system around the property because well, that's my life. But I love it here. It's like my own little slice of nature."

"I love it," I breathed, my eyes drifting close for moment. I swear, even the air smells lovelier here. "I love how secluded it feels. I love the quiet, the space, the view of nothing but canyon and trees all around you."

"It's not a bad place to come home to at the end of a long day or a terrible view to wake up to in the morning."

I glanced at Stellan and saw his lopsided grin and I just rolled my eyes. "Yeah, not a bad little shack you've got here. I only envy you a little."

"Well, you'll be seeing lots of it in the near future if you want to take me up on my crazy project."

I haven't looked at the site plans that Stellan had left by the foot of the stairs but there were so many possibilities with all this space. "Where are you thinking of building it?"

He started forward and I followed him. "In that clearing, in front of that big oak tree just before the trail starts. You can see so much sky from there at night. I want most of the rooftop to be accessible open space but I do want to build a small planetarium on it where I can mount a telescope I'm designing. That space just needs to be big enough to accommodate a few sleeping bags."

I raised a brow at him. "Just exactly how many children are you planning to have in here at one time?"

He considered that question in all seriousness. I guess with two out of his three friends, well and truly settled down, the idea of children playing here wasn't that far-fetched. "Well, let's account for at least two from each of my sisters. If Max ever finds himself a woman to put up with him, he'll probably have two as well. That seems to be the magic number for a lot of people."

I snorted. "So you'll have two?"

He looked me straight in the eye. "Well, what do you think?"

I had to go with the assumption that Stellan just wanted me to guess his number based on what I knew of him, not that he was asking me like we were making a decision together.

Holding his gaze, I delved deep into what my instincts said.

I smiled. "I think you'd like as many as you can manage.You want to look over a messy breakfast table and see at least three or four little faces chowing down cereal and debating cosmic theories or something complex like that."

Stellan laughed. "Well, it doesn't have to be cosmic theories. It could be who the best superhero is or whether we should get a dog or a cat. I'm not concerned if they're not into the same things I am. I'd happily sit there and talk about Peppa Pig while braiding hair or checking homeworks."

Forget the stunning house.

Or this magical backyard.

The current overwhelmed state of my heart was all due to this image of a future Stellan painted with his words.

It was a future I wanted so much my teeth ached with it.

A future so real I could almost reach into it and gently tug at our daughter's slightly crooked braid or wipe a milk moustache off our son's face.

Swallowing hard, I broke my gaze away and turned back to the spot where he wanted the playhouse. "Something big enough for at least ten kids then with maybe an option to expand or convert an adjoining space if they have cousins or friends over."

"With its square footage, I'm confident that would work even with the few mechanical features I want to incorporate," Stellan said, allowing the moment to pass without comment. "I've drafted separate engineering plans for those but I can modify them easily depending on your recommendations. And I want a lot of recommendations. I started with a pretty basic idea of this whole project but it could use a lot of input from you. What else you think might be cool or fun to add."

"I don't have much personal experience to draw from but I'll try to see it from a child's eye," I said. "I'm sure I'll find some inspiration somewhere."

"Maybe I can help with that. Imagine what it would be like camping out here. " Stellan grinned and suddenly sat down on the grass, patting the spot next to him. "Come on, sit down. Watch the stars with me. We used to do that at my shop, on the rooftop."

We did.

Stellan and I had come back to that place many times in our few years together, sometimes living out of there for days.

The combination of him sitting there on the grass, waiting patiently, and some of our sweetest memories together, was a such a powerful lure it felt like I was physically fighting it. "I don't think that's a good idea."

His mouth quirked on one corner. "Well, to quote you from earlier today, it's not but we usually don't have a lot of those."

"We already gave in to too many bad ones today."

"Then what's one more?"

He didn't wait for me. He stretched out on the grass, crossing his arms behind his head. "The first thing I do when I'm overwhelmed by the problems I'm trying to solve is to look up at the sky for a while. Nothing like realizing how much bigger the universe is to scale your world and your perception of it back to something less overwhelming."

I couldn't help a small smile despite my apprehension.

Stellan always saw things differently. And sometimes, I needed to look through his lens for a change in perspective.

So I sank down next to him, the grass cool and a little prickly but not uncomfortable against my skin. The sky was a velvet black, sprayed with billions of glittering stars.

I thought he was going to point out constellations me. Or quietly tell me obscure little facts about space. That's what he always used to do.

But he said nothing this time. And I was okay with that.

When I closed my eyes, I could still see the sky. Even more clearly in my mind, actually.

I could feel the gentlest breeze roll past, hear the leaves rustling faintly with it.

I could hear the very distant echo of traffic, nearly drowned out by the sounds of nature at night.

I could feel Stellan's warmth, hear his low, even breathing.

I could count each beat of my heart, feel the tips of my fingers and toes, the weight of my body against the earth.

I'm exactly where I want to be in this entire universe. Right here is perfect.

As if he'd heard my thoughts, Stellan slipped his hand over mine. I turned my hand up and laced my fingers through his, squeezing gently.

I felt him lift our entwined hands between us as he rolled to his side to face me.

His lips grazed the top of my knuckles with an innocent sensuality that had me snapping my eyes open and my already heightened senses flaring into full-blown awareness.

He was on his side, so close to me that for a disoriented second, I thought it was one of those nights when we'd just woken up tangled in bed together, eager to have each other again.

There was no gentle smile on his face, no sweetness in his eyes.

His hooded gaze was all molten heat, his jaw tense with fraying restraint.

I couldn't move, couldn't breathe.

I couldn't push him off, couldn't run away.

Couldn't because I wouldn't. Didn't want to.

"Stellan..."

The sound was a little breathless, a little tortured.

His brows drawn, his eyes moved to my lips as if he could find evidence of his name on them.

He dipped his head and I closed my eyes, laboring for oxygen as I waited for the kiss that would set me on fire.

But his mouth didn't take mine.

He whispered my name, his lips fluttering past the tip of my nose like butterfly wings.

With a low, frustrated cry, I tipped my head back until I caught his mouth with a hungry kiss.

A fierce flood of everything we've held back in the last two and a half years broke the dam.

The sharp tug I gave his shoulders prompted him to roll on top of me, his heavy, delicious weight so familiar and so welcome against my body.

Bracing himself on his forearms, he kissed me hard, and my hands tightened on the back of his head, urging him on as if he could kiss me any harder. Without thought, my legs parted to let him settle between them, receiving the hot, solid press of his shaft behind his jeans as it ground against the thin layer of my underwear. He reached down to cup one side of my hips, bared completely by my dress that had long hiked up between us, his hand sliding down to clutch at my thigh in a signal I recognized as Stellan wanting my legs wrapped around him. I promptly obliged and doing so pressed him deeper against me that in that split-second he released my mouth for air, I moaned, my hips arching to increase the friction between us.

He softly growled in response before he took my mouth again, filling his hands with my breasts after they pushed up my bra, his fingers tugging and flicking at the hard, pointed tips that pulled such aching pleasure straight from between my legs.

His lips started to scorch a path along my jaw, making its way down the curve of my neck and the line of my collarbone before he buried his face between my breasts, muffling his low groan.

Needing a deeper connection, needing him where I craved to be filled and stretched and loved, I reached for his fly, frantic fingers fumbling.

Then all of a sudden, with a pained gasp as if he'd been physically torn away from me, Stellan lifted himself off and stumbled back.

Feeling bereft, sexually frustrated and slowly grasping the reality we'd so recklessly abandoned, I leaned back on my elbows, breathing hard, searching Stellan's face. He was sitting back, an arm on one bent knee, his color high and his eyes so bright with emotion they almost glinted bronze in the low light. The tent in his jeans left no doubt just how badly he wanted me and the clenching and unclenching of my own muscles proved me to be in no better state.

"Not like this," Stellan rasped when he could finally breathe properly.

Yes, Kady. Not like this when he's living with another woman.

The reminder doused all my fire like a bucket of ice water and I scrambled to my feet, my hands swiftly trying to fix my hair and my clothes. "Of course. I'm sorry. I should go."

I started marching away from him and kept going even as I heard him calling me back.

Guilt and shame swamped me, never mind that every moment of that idiocy we just shared felt so right.

He wasn't mine anymore.

"Kady, stop! We need to talk."

I saw the rolled-up site plans at the bottom of the stairs and scooped them up, turning to face Stellan who had to jog to catch up with me.

"I'm going to take this project on but I'm going to need some time to finish our current ones," I told him in an unsteady voice, holding up the plans in front of him like I was trying to ward him off with it. "I'm going to do this for you, Stellan. And that's it."

His face, usually placid and smiling, currently resembled a growing storm but he pressed his lips together, his jaw clenching as he struggled to rein himself in. "Why does that sound like a goodbye?"

I tried to smile, even as my cheeks and lips trembled with the effort not to cry. "Because it is. Because it's the right thing to do. And because it hurts too much."

"Then stay and let me explain," he choked out. "It's not what you think it is. Lily is not part of this picture, Kady. It's always been just you and me."

"Kinda hard to agree when she's living here with you, eating the breakfast you made and laughing at all your dorky jokes," I snapped, my temper finally cracking under the pressure of emotions. "I know you want to be friends, Stellan, but I don't think it's possible when it hurts this much. I know I've hurt you badly in the past but I can't be around you and take this kind of punishment. It's not healthy for me and it's beneath you."

I turned and hurried back up the stairs with Stellan still coming after me. "Dammit, Kady. Wait!"

I was so close to breaking down in tears that I couldn't hear much at this point other than the keening wail in my head to get away as fast as I can. It felt like walls were closing in on me, trapping me in this pain and heartache.

"Kady, stop!" Stellan finally caught me by the shoulder, halting me abruptly and stepping in front of me. "I'm not letting you drive home in this state. You're going to hurt yourself and possibly someone else."

I couldn't help a crude smile, feeling the old defenses rushing back. "Shouldn't be anything new for me. It's my one gift."

He flinched like I'd struck him.

It took a moment but then he pressed his lips together into a tight line, his expression turning stony. "There were things I wanted to say to you today. Things I wanted to do. Things I wanted to ask. Things I wanted you to understand. Give me that chance. Don't leave."

"You can't ask me not to leave when you've given me no right to stay!"

"And how can I give it to you when you're about to bolt and leave me in pieces like you always do?" he demanded in a rare flash of fury that took my breath away.

He caught himself and he stepped back, dragging a hand through his hair.

I swallowed hard, nodding. Understanding so much more all of a sudden. "You can't let go but you also can't forgive me, can you? Or at the very least, you can't trust me not to break your heart again."

I wasn't sure what hurt more—evidence of the irreparable damage I've caused or the realization that nothing I've done in the last two years even mattered when it came to us because it was just simply too late.

"I'm gonna go," I said through a painful breath, fighting the pressure of tears against my eyes. "I never should've come back."

I ran to my car and as soon as the engine fired up, I broke down in tears.

Folding my arms across the steering wheel, I bent my head down and cried.

It might have been five minutes or forever—it didn't matter.

My head snapped up at the soft knock on the window and I swiped at my face as I rolled the glass down.

Stellan stood there, his expression grim. "Let me drive you home. Or let Winslow do it if you don't want to look at me right now."

"I'll be fine. I may not look like it at the moment but I'm a hell of a lot stronger than this," I said, trying to regain my composure. "I'll get in touch with you about the playhouse."

And with that, I drove out of there.

Despite my earlier bravado, tears continued to fall on the drive home, and I wasn't sure if I was going to run out of them eventually.

But I did.

By the time I let myself into my condo, clutching the plans to my chest and trying to breathe through the pain, my eyes were dry.

My heart was more broken than usual.

My soul felt empty.

And it wasn't going to be easy getting through this without further damage but I was determined to come out of this whole.

This wasn't the first time I had to survive and go on with my life without Stellan.

I could do it again.

I had to.

*****

Ninya's Notes:

Hi everyone! How are you all doing?

Phew, last week was a bit wild. I haven't seen that many not-so-thrilled comments about Stellan.

 I get that there is quite a bit of confusion regarding his actions but I think in this week's chapter, towards the end, we get a slightly better idea of whether there's something between him and Lily. 

I'm sure it's frustrating especially since we're only seeing the story through Kady's eyes, much of it influenced by her own perspective and what she'd summed up in the five occasions she'd been with Stellan in person. I'm not defending Stellan's actions and I think the next chapter will bring more clarity. His outburst at the end of this chapter though is the simplest, plainest testament to what he might be going through.

This book might be called Sinner and Saint but both people make their own fair share of mistakes--like they do in reality. Even the best of us can hurt the person they love. It's how you both come out of it that'll determine whether you'll go anywhere else after that.

Stay tuned for next week! Stay safe and healthy always...

XOXO

Ninya

PS. This was the first song I liked out of folkore. Cardigan didn't even catch my interest much at first. I played this over and over again as I was conceptualizing this story because of its theme. It seemed like the kind of thoughts Kady would have as she saw Stellan later, having seemingly moved on with his life.

My favorite part is: I persist and resist the temptation to ask you... If one thing had been different, would everything be different today?

♪♪♪ Chapter Soundtrack: The 1 by Taylor Swift ♪♪♪

https://youtu.be/KsZ6tROaVOQ

I'm doing good, I'm on some new shit
Been saying "yes" instead of "no"
I thought I saw you at the bus stop, I didn't though

I hit the ground running each night
I hit the Sunday matinee
You know the greatest films of all time were never made

I guess you never know, never know
And if you wanted me, you really should've showed
And if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow
And it's alright now

But we were something, don't you think so?
Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool
And if my wishes came true
It would've been you
In my defense, I have none
For never leaving well enough alone
But it would've been fun
If you would've been the one

I have this dream you're doing cool shit
Having adventures on your own
You meet some woman on the Internet and take her home
We never painted by the numbers, baby
But we were making it count
You know the greatest loves of all time are over now

I guess you never know, never know
And it's another day, waking up alone

But we were something, don't you think so?
Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool
And if my wishes came true
It would've been you
In my defense, I have none
For never leaving well enough alone
But it would've been fun
If you would've been the one

Hey, yeah-yeah
I persist and resist the temptation to ask you
If one thing had been different
Would everything be different today?