Ch.35: Digger

Jude's way didn't make a difference.

The first day that I was back at work after the Rush incident, a huge bouquet arrived at the bar for me. Maybe I should have known better by now, but I foolishly thought they were from Jude until I opened the card that came with them, read the message that promised to leave flowers like these on my grave, and realised that the flowers were a threat.

I threw them straight in the bin.

I'd blocked that number that called me the morning after Rush, but calls kept coming. I stopped answering any number I didn't recognise, but that didn't stop the texts. They came constantly, from different numbers, so even when I blocked one, another was ready to take its place. Usually I deleted them without reading them, but every now and then morbid curiosity would lead me to read them. I always regretted it.

Jude had started getting them again too, along with the letters, and though he pretended it wasn't a big deal, I suspected he was downplaying it to make me feel better.

Army of sockpuppets came after me on social media, ranging from insulting my appearance to threatening to rape or kill me. Pretty quickly, I stopped checking my accounts.

One morning a brick was put through the bar window and though there was no note, nothing to expressly tie it to the stalker, I was convinced that it was their work. Jude came to collect me from work that day, which drew a crowd of shrieking fans, and even though I knew this was something I'd have to get used to, I couldn't help the raw terror as I was shepherded through the crowd towards the waiting car. Screaming fans could be intimidating at the best of times, but knowing that the stalker could be anywhere in that crowd made me feel as exposed as if I was standing naked in the middle of a busy street.

Samantha called me a few hours later and asked me to take some time off. I had a horrible feeling this was the end of my time at The Tipsy Swallow.

Jude was prepared to put the whole album on hold so he could stay home with me, but that was one thing I refused to allow. Making music was both Jude's passion and his job, and I would never ask him to give that up, especially not when we had no idea how long this thing would last or what we could do to stop it.

Jude wouldn't admit it, but I knew the barrage of threats and abuse was starting to wear him down too. I could see it in the way his smile had become strained, and how it rarely reached his eyes, and the way he always seemed to be on the alert, rather than the relaxed, arrogant rock-god that I'd met in Vegas. I was as angry about his suffering as I was about my own. Even if the stalker hadn't been harassing me, I'd have the weight of all this, because when Jude hurt, I hurt.

When I'd agreed to stay married to him, I'd seen it as an adventure, but I'd never truly imagined that it would become something real, and I still wasn't ready to put a name to what I felt. But Jude's sleepy smile was what I looked forward to when I woke up every morning. I couldn't bear the thought of going to bed without him, of not feeling the warmth of his body curving around mine. The sex was amazing, but this was more than just sex.

My least favourite part of the day was when Jude left for the studio.

My favourite part was when he came home again.

One day, after more than a week of relentless bullshit, Jude came home with a gleam in his eyes.

"I know you've been getting anxious about being home alone, so I've got something for you," he announced.

He opened the front door again, beckoned, and then stood to one side.

A golden retriever loped into the loft, a red bow attached to its collar, and I let out a little squeak. The dog paused, cocked his head at me with uncertainty, then looked back at Jude.

"Go on," Jude encouraged.

"I don't understand. Whose dog is this?" I asked, crouching down and holding out my hands so the retriever could sniff them.

"Yours," Jude said.

"What?"

Having decided I was okay, the dog's tail started frantically wagging.

"I got him for you," Jude said. "His name's Digger. Sorry you don't get to name him yourself, but he's three years old, and the rescue shelter said he's had that name since he was a puppy, so it wouldn't be fair to change it."

My head was spinning. "I don't understand. You got me a dog?"

"I know a fluffy puppy would've been more romantic, but I want you to feel safe here when I'm at the studio, and an older dog will be better for that."

"Are you serious? Is this real?"

"Yeah," Jude said.

My heart tripped over itself, and emotion stung my eyes. "This is . . ." I couldn't find the words.

Digger snuffled at my hands, and I scratched his head, his chin. He licked my wrist.

"You didn't have to do this," I said.

Jude shrugged as if it was nothing, but a small smile played around his lips as he watched me and the dog. In another life, this would have been the next step in our relationship as a couple, getting our first pet, perhaps to prepare for having our first baby a few months or even years down the line. But that wasn't the life we had.

"You realise that our month is almost up, don't you?" I said quietly.

With everything that had been going on, we hadn't time to focus on the upcoming deadline, but I was suddenly very aware that it was right around the corner, and we hadn't talked about it, hadn't in any way expressed how we felt about it, or where we went from here.

Jude was suddenly very interested in looking at something over my head. "Yeah," he said. "No matter what happens, Digger is yours."

I swallowed hard and ruffled Digger's ears. My heart felt full to bursting, and I already loved this dog, but that wasn't the only thing that we needed to discuss.

"That wasn't what I was asking," I said. "We only have a few days left, and I have no idea where we stand."

Jude fiddled with one of his rings. "Yeah, about that. I feel like we haven't had the full month that we should have had, thanks to this stalker shit, so . . . how do you feel about extending this for another month?"

I gazed at him. He still wasn't looking at me, his eyes were fixed on the floor, and his shoulders were slightly hunched, as if he was bracing himself for bad news.

My heart flip-flopped. "Please look at me," I said.

He did so, reluctantly.

"Why do you look like you're waiting for me to run out of the front door?" I asked.

He gave a tense shrug.

I straightened and slid my arms around his waist. He tensed even further, before relaxing into me.

"I'm not going anywhere, Jude," I whispered, resting my head on his chest.

His heart was beating a little faster than normal. After a few moments, his arms went around me, and I closed my eyes.

Digger whimpered and pawed at my ankle.

We still hadn't talked about where exactly we stood or how we felt about each other, but I was glad because I honestly didn't know what I'd say.

I was happy – happier than I'd been, happier than I'd ever thought I'd be, but at the same time, I couldn't properly explore those feelings, because there was so much still hanging over our heads.

Getting rid of Annie had only made the stalker shit worse, but that didn't mean she was or wasn't connected. Since Jude hadn't fired her, then sooner or later, she would expect to return to work, and what happened then?

Even if she wasn't the stalker, her behaviour would have to be addressed at some point. I might have been willing to overlook it, but Jude definitely wasn't. If he didn't suspect her, he'd probably have fired her already.

There was also Darrell to consider. Jude hadn't brought him up since the morning after Rush, but there was no way that Darrell had dropped the blackmail. Jude was still keeping something from me, and while I didn't want to address that while the stalker was hounding us, we did need to address it.

This couldn't work if Jude didn't trust me enough to be completely honest.

At the same time, I had to be honest with myself. I had no idea what Jude was hiding, and as much as I assured myself that it wouldn't change how I felt about him, I had no idea how I'd react when he finally came clean.

We still had a long way to go before we knew where this relationship was going.