Ch.23: Backstage Pass

Don drove Jude, Annie, and me to the park, but he'd swapped the usual silver Bentley for an unremarkable black car – apparently Jude's choice. Neil had wanted him to show up in style, pulling up in a flashy limo and stepping out in front of his adoring fans. Jude had vetoed that in favour of an anonymous arrival.

The gig didn't start for hours, but already fans were gathered in front of the stage, some of them carrying homemade placards that declared their love for the band or for Jude, and my stomach knotted. I wasn't a jealous person, and someone with Jude's looks and fame would always get him a lot of attention.

But there was something very discomforting about realising that a significant number of people would take him from me in a heartbeat if they could. A significant number of people hated me because I was with Jude, and they'd happily say that to my face. There were people out there – maybe in that very crowd – who'd gleefully celebrate if we broke up, and wish genuine harm on me if we didn't.

All of that was very different than women just flirting with him.

Jude squeezed my hand. "You okay?" he said.

I forced a smile. "Just nervous."

Another time I'd have told him what was on my mind, but he'd been crackling with restless, eager energy since we'd left the loft, psyching himself up for the gig. I didn't want to bring him down.

"Don't worry, you'll be safe backstage, and you've got this." Jude held out his hand to Annie, and she gave him a red pass on a lanyard. Jude hung the lanyard around my neck.

"Access all areas," he said.

I couldn't explain that it wasn't just Jude's zealous fans that made me nervous. It was the fact that I was about to plunge into the deep end of a part of Jude's life that I'd previously only seen through a screen.

Annie started chattering about sound checks, and travel arrangements to the hotel where the interviews were taking place, and making sure that security was aware of our movements, and it wasn't a discussion I could contribute to, so I quickly tuned out.

I wished that Elle was with us, but she was busy shooting a music video for her own upcoming album, and somehow I hadn't wanted to ask my mum or Willa. As important as they were to me, they still felt separate from my life with Jude, and until I knew what would happen at the end of this month, I was afraid to blur the lines between my old life and my new one.

Once we arrived at Hyde Park, Jude whisked me backstage before anyone spotted us, and I felt a sharp stab of relief that he'd refused Neil's proposed grand entrance. There was only so much of the spotlight that I could handle at a time.

This gig was smaller than anything Angels & Demons had done for years, but stage techs and security, all sporting headsets and dressed in black so they weren't too visible backstage, still bustled everywhere, and I clung to Jude's hand so I wouldn't get in anyone's way. A few people did double-takes when they saw me, either because they recognised me or because I was holding Jude's hand, but luckily they were too professional to say anything.

Annie peeled away from us almost immediately, and started interrogating a burly man with a buzzcut that I assumed was a member of security.

"I want to show you the stage," Jude said.

He led me up a series of steps and through heavy, dark curtains that hung from towering pillars, and then we were standing on the stage and I was shielding my eyes against the burst of lights coming from the rigs overhead.

"Wow," I murmured.

A huge drum kit was already assembled behind us, and a rack of guitars, polished and gleaming under the lights, waited quietly nearby. Microphones stood closer to the edge of the stage like metal sentries.

At the back of the stage hung an enormous banner, featuring the horned, winged skull of the Angels & Demons logo, and I couldn't help squirming a little, but in a good way. The band logo wasn't the same as the burning skull on Jude's hip, but it was similar enough that looking at it made me think of last night, when I'd traced every inch of that burning skull with my tongue.

Another heavy curtain separated us from the rest of the park, but I could hear the buzz of muffled voices from the other side. The air felt charged with anticipation, like an electric current, and the hairs on the back of my neck prickled.

I turned in a slow circle, absorbing everything, while Jude watched me.

"You're the first girl I've ever taken onstage before a show," he said.

"Really?"

He nodded.

Emotion made it hard to swallow. "Thank you," I said softly. "This means a lot to me."

Jude took my hand again and pulled me close. My skirt swished around my knees. I'd had no idea what to wear today – if I'd been attending the gig as a fan, I'd have worn a simple jeans and T-shirt combo, but I'd felt I needed to make more effort for this, so I'd chosen a black lace sun-dress that Elle had given me. The casual style meant it didn't look too try-hard, but the lace gave it a hint of sexiness.

"You're happy with how this evening will play out?" Jude said.

"Yup. You do your show, I watch from backstage, then it's off to the Silver Crown hotel for hair, makeup, and interviews."

Annie had run through the itinerary three times before we left the loft.

"And you're okay being backstage by yourself?" Jude checked.

I didn't have much choice now, but that was my fault. I could have invited Mum or Tasha, and I hadn't.

"I'll be fine," I said.

I wouldn't have minded staying onstage a bit longer, absorbing that electric feeling in the air, but the moment was ruined when Annie came to inform us that the hair and makeup team wanted Jude in his dressing room.

We'd both be professionally prepared for the interviews, but Jude had to be prepared for the gig too, so I followed him to the cluster of cabins behind the stage. Considering they'd been hired out and erected for this one night, I'd expected something cheap and rustic, but the cabins were muted grey walls and soft carpets with large, curtained windows, padded furniture, and potted plants in the corners. A dressing table sat at one end; on top of it was a square mirror strung all round with bulbs. Bottled mineral water was arranged in neat rows at the edge of the table.

I curled up in the chair opposite and quietly watched as the hair and makeup team descended on Jude. It took longer than I expected. By the end of it, Jude didn't look so different, just more polished. He was too gorgeous for words, and yet I thought I preferred the real him, the man I woke up with every morning, sleepy-eyed and tousle-haired.

It was funny – before meeting him, I'd have preferred the polished version.

Before I knew it, it was time for Jude to return to the stage. He'd changed into his signature leather pants, and a loose black vest cut low at the chest and under the arms to show off his tattoos. Chunky rings gleamed on his fingers, and my eyes zeroed in on the only one that really mattered – his wedding ring.

Jude bounced on the balls of his feet, his eyes glittering, his fists opening and closing, and I wondered how it felt. It wasn't the fame per se, it was the music. It was going up on stage and sharing that music with countless screaming fans.

"Do you ever get nervous?" I asked.

Jude stopped bouncing and looked at me. "Yeah," he said.

"Really?" I'd expected a cocky grin and a cockier answer.

Jude lowered his eyes. "I'm nervous now," he confessed.

I was briefly stunned into silence. Jude had toured all over the world, had dominated every stage he'd ever been on, and I'd never seen even a hint of nerves. He'd always looked like he was most at home in front of a crowd, one of those people who was born to perform.

Jude offered a wry smile. "Didn't expect that, did you?"

"No," I said. "You never look nervous."

He shrugged. "I'm excited too. I love the shows, it fires me up like nothing else, but . . ." His eyebrows pulled into a frown as he searched for the right words. "I don't know, going up in front of thousands and thousands of people is nerve-wracking. That's why Darrell and I used to get drunk or high, or both, before doing a show."

I'd seen those videos too. Jude still performed like a pro, but there was no mistaking his glazed eyes and occasional drunken stumble.

"You don't need to do that now?" I said.

Another shrug. "You know I still like drink and drugs occasionally, but it needs to be recreational. I saw what happened to Darrell, and I don't want to depend on anything that can do that to someone. As long as I stay in control, I can still enjoy those things without it becoming a problem."

"That makes sense."

Jude held out his hand. "Come here."

I went to him.

He still crackled with that pre-performance energy, the calm before the storm, but his hands were gentle as he cupped my face and kissed me.

"See you after the show?" he said.

"I'll be waiting."