Sammy came in while I was printing off a bunch of fliers to take out with me. I was using the office computer, and the boss kinda frowns on that kind of thing. Sammy loves to piss off the Boss though, so she was a natural ally.

"The fuck is 'Friends of Vlad'?" she wanted to know.

"It's a club I'm starting. A vampire club."

"Cool. Can I come?"

"Are you a vampire?"

"No. What does that have to do with it? It's not like you're a vampire either."

"If I was, how would you know?"

"You haven't even tried to kiss my neck, let alone bite me, and I know I'm practically irresistible to vampires."

There is probably not a man alive, let alone a vampire, who could resist the urge to bite Sammy for very long. This is not just me being overly dramatic either. One of the nicer vampires I had met had ended up in the shop one night and had developed an instant crush on Sammy. He had been trying unsuccessfully to get her to go out with him ever since.

Let me describe Sammy properly: She was a steaming little hot body of sexual energy just waiting to be released, and she had the most beautiful neck, along with a predilection for tattoos. Plus she had the whole Asian thing going on, and we all know how fetishized Asian women already are. If there is one thing some vampires find irresistible is a gorgeous woman with tattoos. Sammy was beautiful, and she definitely had the tattoos to qualify as vampire-bait. She had a full-sleeve of the most detailed and kick-ass Chinese dragon you've ever seen and had confided to me that she'd spent about 40 hours just to get it completed. No, she hadn't minded the pain. It was one of her kinks, pain, but it was a pity that I'd never get to try that out. Total vampire bait. Sammy also tended to be a total bitch to me, so while I may have considered sucking on her neck at some point, that was one girl was completely off limits.

"You haven't met very many vampires have you?" I asked lamely.

"And you have?" She flipped her hair at me and disappeared into the back room. "I'm going to make coffee. You want any?"

"Only if it's really, incredibly fucking weak. You know me and coffee."

"What you do to coffee is abuse, I hope you know that," Sammy said and flounced off to the back office.

She was right about the coffee. It wasn't by choice though. Before becoming a vampire, there had been nothing I liked more to start my day than a nice hot steaming cup of coffee, the stronger, the better. But like my situation with jalapeno peppers and spicy foods of any kind, coffee was now off limits to me. It depresses me to even think about it, so why don't I fill you in on that later?

"You wanna help me cut these out?" I yelled after her, and I got a raised middle finger in response.

I still had half an hour to go before I left for the night. Sammy liked to come in early just to torment me. She was cute in her own way, abrasive as hell but got away with it easily enough. I think it was her perpetually curly hair that did it for her. Those thick black curls were the first thing anyone noticed about her. By the time they realized that they'd been having a conversation where she had insulted them ten ways from Sunday and she still had such a sunny smile on her face, they dismissed it as a trick of the mind. Sammy especially liked to fuck with the customers and more often than not teased the hell out of the poor slobs. She usually had the 4 AM to 12 PM shift, and of course, sales always seemed to spike in the morning.

So we spent the next half hour cutting out my fliers with the one pair of rusty scissors that the boss kept around. That is to say, I cut them out, and Sammy watched and drank her coffee.

"Is this meeting thing what you're going to be using the upstairs room for?"

"Mostly, yeah. I don't know if anyone will come, though."

"I heard the boss screwed you on the price."

"That kinda goes without saying. That cheap prick would screw his own grandmother."

"Eww gross! That's not the kind of imagery I want to start the day with. You can find enough of that shit in aisle three."

"Sorry."

"How you gonna get them upstairs?"

"What?"

"I'll repeat and use small words, just for you."

"Wow, thanks."

"Look around you, Bob. This is a porn shop, a seedy creepy place with more than ONE WEIRD AND UTTERLY DISGUSTING GUY JACKING OFF IN THE BACK AISLE TO THE "AFRO ANAL QUEENS VOLUME 17" AND IF HE DOESN'T PUT IT BACK INTO HIS PANTS I'M GONNA GET FUCKING HOSTILE ALL OVER HIS ASS!"

This last bit shocked the crap out of me. It also got the guy in the back aisle wearing the trench coat, who had up to that point been furiously masturbating in the middle of the aisle. He turned around to stare all guilty and wide-eyed at Sammy who happened to be on the store's PA system, so at this point, she was the voice of God.

"BUY SOMETHING AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"

The man was practically trembling now. He was terrified of Sammy, and I couldn't blame him. Some of these guys can't even talk to a woman without fumbling for words, let alone look them in the eye. Some of them were fearless and utterly shameless, like the one guy who came in every Tuesday like clockwork to get all of the new releases before anyone else could get them. That guy was special, and I could write monologues about him, but thankfully, most of them were just like our present masturbating pervert. I'm going to call him Trenchcoat Dude, just for clarity. Trenchcoat Dude now stumbled to the counter fumbling a random DVD off the shelf as he came.

"SIR, PLEASE PUT THE PENIS AWAY."

Sammy then proceeded to ignore Trenchcoat Dude as he turned to zip up his pants. She turned back to me and smiled.

"My point is that it's a porn shop and the only entrance to the upstairs room is through the store itself. Anybody who comes to your little meeting is first going to have to brave our noble and austere customers."

"Oh." I hadn't thought of that.

"You did think of that, though, right?"

"Of course, I did." I'm such a bad liar.

Sammy rang up the one item that our embarrassed customer had picked up and tossed him a bag. Dude had penis fingers, and there was no way she was touching anything he had come in contact with. The fact that it was a 12" dildo didn't faze her in the least and the fact that poor old Trenchcoat had probably grabbed the first thing that came to hand out of embarrassment and shame after dropping the DVD he had grabbed first, didn't seem to matter. The store had a strict no return policy, especially on sex toys.

"Try to keep it in your pants, okay?"

"Sure," Trenchcoat mumbled and left in a hurry.

Sammy looked at me expectantly. "Well?"

"Well, what?"

"Do you have a solution to your particular fucking problem?"

Sammy had a point about the entrance to the room, and it was something that had been bugging me in the back of my mind for a while. I had probably been thinking about the practicality of the room when I took a look at the place and had only taken stock of the important things like the fact that it was relatively soundproof and had one tiny window that was quickly covered over.

I shook my head. Whatever man, I give up. "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke. Anybody who can get over themselves enough to come in here and then have to face you, they deserve to be here."

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AUTHOR'S NOTE
Blood. It always comes back to blood.  Don't forget to VOTE and let your friends know about this bitching vampire story you're reading.  Thanks for reading!

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QUESTION OF THE DAY: What do you think the allure about blood is anyway?  Tell me in the comments below.