"Fuck dude." Claude hung up his phone, disturbed, and more than a little pissed.

"I've been trying to convince myself that Louise is a big girl, and has been around the block so she can take care of herself, right? Plus there's the whole her being a vampire thing..."

There was an uncomfortable silence but then the waitress returned with the coffee. Claude waited while I gleefully poured sugar into my cup. I could smell the coffee, rich and dark and promising to be a real treat. I could practically taste it. Four packets of sugar went in one by one.

"Lemme see your eyes again?"

"Oh come on dude. It's embarrassing and still freaking me out."

He just gave me a look and I took off the sunglasses and threw them onto the table. The coffee would have to wait for a second or two.

"Wow man. That is seriously fucked up."

"Thanks."

"And it's because of the puking and the eyes that you think Louise wasn't messing around? That you actually are a vampire."

"Well yeah... I mean, this doesn't happen. You don't ever hear of any disease or anything that causes people's eyes to completely change colour and if there was some kind of pill for it, you'd be seeing ads for it all over the place instead of Cialis."

"Side effects might include nausea, diarrhea, death, bloodlust and an aversion to crosses."

"Get your Vampiralis today. Yeah, that would sell real fast."

I took my coffee and inhaled the flavour, ready to drink. Claude pulled out a small velvet bag from his jacket and dumped it onto the table. I stared at what appeared to be collection of religious symbols. Claude now grabbed a crucifix and held it up.

"Aha!"

I was nonplussed. Didn't quite know how to react.

"Nice crucifix?"I ventured and Claude deflated. He put the crucifix down on the table and now held up a Star of David. I shrugged, unimpressed. It looked expensive. Maybe he was trying to sell it to me or something, I dunno.

"It's very nice, but I'm not Jewish you know."

"Dammit dude, you're ruining this for me."

"What am I ruining?"

"Vampires are traditionally afraid of religious symbols. It's a well-known fact. If you're any kind of vampire, you should be outta here by now, not just sitting there drinking your coffee."

"I'm not actually drinking it yet. It's hot so I'm blowing on it."

"Well don't you feel anything? Anything at all?"

"I feel like I need my coffee. Does that count?"

Claude held up a Yin and Yang. I shook my head. A Star and Crescent was next. Nothing.

"What's that one?"

"Hands of God from Slavic Neopaganism. You feel something?"

My stomach grumbled noisily and I belched. "Nope. Just thought it looked cool."

"How about the Torii?"

"What's that?"

"Shinto religion?"

"Nope."

"Oh screw this: I give up."

"Nice collection though. Very expensive looking."

"Should be. I had to borrow them from the museum." He rolled his eyes at the look on my face. "It's not like they were using them anyway. Don't worry. I'm taking them back."

"Maybe it doesn't work like that anyway. You're an atheist. Hell we both are, so maybe the person with the symbol has to believe for it to work."

The rest of the food arrived and I dug in, finally feeding my protesting stomach. Claude watched for a moment and shook his head. I didn't quite like the look in his eyes. It usually meant that I was about to become a guinea pig, whether for the betterment of myself or just for fun. Claude usually claimed it was to help me out, but ever since Sara Jeffers had slapped me in ninth grade because of something Claude told me to say, I didn't quite believe him.

Claude almost poured a whole bottle of Tabasco sauce over his eggs and I paused eating, watching him. I could really smell the pepper from where I was sitting. It tickled my nose and for a few seconds, a sneeze threatened. The urge to vomit came back rather strongly and I found myself shutting down my nostrils in defense and just breathing through my mouth. Damn, why hadn't I ever noticed just how toxic the smell of the tabasco was?

"Do you feel the urge to bite anybody?" Claude wanted to know.

"Well, is this like the bloodsucking kind of biting, or is this the biting someone because they're irritating you and not letting you eat your pancakes?"

"I choose door number A."

I determined to ignore Claude for the moment. My food was really, really good and I was getting overwhelmed by the flavours. Oh, the sweet, sweet flavours... And damn there was that fucking smell of Tabasco sauce again, somehow made worse by Claude slicing the egg and eating that horrible mess—

"Your Tabasco sauce is seriously fucking with me dude."

My voice came out all cracked and hoarse and I coughed, surprising both Claude and myself. I could hear my breathing catch in my throat and felt a tightness across my chest as if there was a four hundred pound gorilla named Paulie sitting on me. Almost exactly like an asthma attack.

Fucking tabasco.

Claude looked from me down to his eggs swimming in the Tabasco and in one movement, he threw a napkin onto the plate, then grabbed the plate and walked it over to the counter, but more importantly, away from me. I felt the gorilla on my chest ease up a little, allowing me to get a little bit of air and to fumble a glass of water to my mouth.

Claude returned, looking cautious.

"So the Tabasco sauce has more effect on you than any of the religious symbols," he said.

I drained my water and slammed down the glass on the table.

"Let's not do that again, shall we?" I said and Claude nodded, but I could tell he was filing that information away for later in that way that he always did.

I ate my pancakes rather than looking at him, relieved to be able to breathe again and then just amazed at how delicious they were.

"These pancakes are fucking delicious. Have you had your pancakes yet? Best fucking pancakes I've ever had."

"You're kidding right?" Claude poked at his own pancakes. "They taste more like sawdust than anything else."

"This guy, this cook here is a chef. He's a fucking chef, that's how good he is. Way too good for this place."

"Are you on crack? It's just ordinary diner food."

"I'm ignoring you, dude. In fact, I'm going to just drink my coffee."

And I did.

Flavor exploded onto my taste buds. Caffeine raced through my system instantly, pure electricity coursing through my veins—

Everything went white as deep in my brain synapses fired and then fired again and again and again and again—

It was all a fog to me, and somewhere I could hear someone screaming faintly but I was too busy, wrapped up in the fog to care who it was or even to tell them to stop.

***************

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