If you had told me a year ago that I would be sitting in a dive bar killing time before going to meet Claude at the diner, I would have definitely believed you, because that's an entirely reasonable thing. If you'd told me that I was going to be a vampire at the time, I would have just asked you to give me some of whatever you were smoking.

If you'd happened to mention that a few months before that, I would be spending my last night as a full-fledged member of the human species in the backseat of my Honda POS (literally means "Piece of Shit", but you already knew that), between the legs of a woman I'd only met ten minutes before, I might not have been able to stop laughing at you and your tomfoolery. If you also mentioned that said drunken chick was going to take a bite out of my neck in the throes of passion or whatever, I might have looked at you in all earnestness and asked what anyone normally would after this entirely odd conversation: "So is that how I became a vampire? And by the way, about those winning lottery numbers..."

You would have possibly run away cackling like a maniac. Past-you isn't very stable in my imagination.

Past-me was just as clueless as anybody else would be and due to that general cluelessness, would be getting it all wrong.

So just imagine for a second, me in all of my ignorance and the sudden shock of being bitten on the neck mid-coitus. I imagine for a male praying mantis it would be business as usual and if I had indeed been one, nothing would have interrupted me at the moment. Since I wasn't a praying mantis and instead just your regular average twenty-nine year old named Bob, I was definitely thrown off my stride.

"You bit me!" I gasped. "I can't believe you bit me!"

Her answer was to try to bite me again, and she was laughing while she did. I couldn't even remember the chick's name, Gloria or maybe Gladys or some shit like that. It wasn't important at the time, knowing her name, but that's a common theme with me. I suck with names anyway. All that mattered at that moment was that I hadn't had sex in three months, and this chick had been hot for me from the first time I bumped into her at the bar.

I had managed to spill my Vodka Seven all over my shirt and had been mourning the loss since I was extremely broke at the time and had just spent my last five dollars on said drink... which was now soaking into the front of my shirt. If I could have reached, I probably would have been trying to lick my shirt just to get a taste of some of that ever-so-important alcohol that just might give me a little buzz. The alcohol levels in my blood were dangerously low and I feared slipping into a coma of sheer depression.

"Did I do that?" She had asked, and I had nodded, already in mourning.

"Yep. That's alcohol abuse you know, spilling it like that."

"I can think of a much better use for it myself. Let me buy you another one to make up for it."

"I think I will let you do that," I said, and took a good look at her then, but my immediate attention was drawn to her generous cleavage which made it hard to look her directly in the eye. She was around forty and sure of herself. You could see it in the way she carried herself, especially with a rack like hers. Her ample curves spoke volumes to me in a sexy, husky voice that made a lie out of her decidedly corporate wear. Good God, the woman rocked a knee-length skirt like I've never experienced before or since. I managed to get all this in one glance at her and tried my best not to stutter. "Can't let you go around committing mortal sins like that," I managed and then almost kicked myself, but she smiled, charmed.

"Well, what kinds of sin should I be committing then?"

"The non-mortal kinds?" I grinned and shrugged. "I dunno. It sounded wittier in my head than it did coming out of my mouth."

Oh God, she was definitely interested.

"Don't you just hate it when that happens?" She asked, and she was giving me serious "fuck me now" eyes. "You should find a better use for your mouth you know."

"That's either a big come on or I'm being rejected without even trying."

"You weren't coming on to me?"

"No, actually. I was still mourning the loss of my drink. Hadn't had time to notice you yet."

"You're kidding, right? I thought you were ogling my boobs." She jiggled them, and they were quite an attractive pair. The half-chub that I had been trying to keep in check so I could try to walk away with my dignity intact was suddenly now well formed and ready for action. It was making it hard to think. Damn boobs.

"Well, I was," I admitted, "but I was also looking at the alcohol in my shirt."

"Shouldn't have put it there then."

"I didn't. I had been planning to put it into my mouth."

"I have something else you can put in your mouth..."

That's a line that us guys only ever dream of hearing. About ninety-five percent of us single guys will die without ever hearing those words uttered from the lips of a drunken bimbo in a corporate dress suit at a sleazy dive bar. I could now stamp my Man-Card and die a happy man.

"Now if I'm not mistaken, that one was a come-on line, wasn't it?" I asked, just to be sure. "And I do hope you're talking about breasts..."

"Definitely," she said and moved even closer, checking me out as she did. She smiled at the half-concealed bulge in my pants.

"Which one?"

"Both."

"You wanna get outta here?"

"I was going to say it, but I didn't want you to think I was a slut."

"Would it matter?"

"No, I'd fuck you anyway."

It wasn't until she bit my neck that I wondered what kind of freak I'd ended up with.

I managed to scramble out of the car as fast as I could, somehow pulling up my pants while not tripping over anything. I heard the bar door bang open, and the music and sounds from inside poured out into the night air for a few seconds as people either entered or exited the bar. They might have seen my naked ass or maybe not, but I didn't care at that point. All I cared about was that this woman had just bitten the hell out of me and I was probably going to be bleeding soon.

I kept an eye on Gloria as she exited the car, pulling down her skirt as she slid out, still giving me a saucy look.

"I thought you'd be into it," she said innocently. "We could always go back to my place and try it again. Or a motel and we can really get loud. No biting this time."

My stupid and possibly traitorous penis twitched at the thought and I made a note to shoot it for attempted mutiny. There was no way I was going anywhere with Gloria. It might not be my neck she was biting next time.

"Sounds great, but let's pretend that we did and call it a night," I said, still wary.

You're probably wondering at this point if Gloria is a vampire, so let's just lay that to rest right now. No, Gloria is not a vampire, and I wasn't about to turn into a vampire just because she bit me. Hell, the only thing I was going to turn into at this point was a more sober version of me since Gloria had never bought me that replacement drink.

Gloria reached out quickly, faster than a snake, and tucked something into the front of my pants before I could step away.

"Something to remember me by, lover." She blew me a kiss and sashayed away with significant extra sway in her hips, no doubt for my benefit. I'm not ashamed to admit I watched her every step. Crazy as she was, that was one hell of an ass.

"Don't stick your dick in crazy," I whispered to myself, more of a reminder to not go chasing after her to take her up on her offer; after all the deal was already sealed.

I pulled out whatever it was she had stuffed into my pants. Was I surprised it was her panties? Hell no. I almost smelled them, but instead, I wadded them up and pressed them against my fresh bite wound, the lace and tiny amounts of silk a reminder of just how the night had gone.

I trudged back to the bar, swearing at my bad luck.

********************

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