There was definitely way too much marble in the place for my liking and by the time Vern led me into the office where Vera was waiting for us, I had stopped trying to count the number of hideously expensive paintings on the wall. By that time, none of the surroundings mattered anymore. Nothing mattered anymore, just Madame Vera.

"Hello Robert," she said and I couldn't help but smile weakly.

Madame Vera was utterly exquisite. She was perfect in every single way, and she knew it, but then she'd had an extremely long time to practice. She looked to be in her early forties, and had the kind of exquisite beauty that all women hope to have at some point and that all men got an instant woody over. She was at least six feet tall with long slender limbs that were all toned muscle, her flawless olive skin a perfect complement to her piercing vampire-blue eyes and dark down hair that would have been dyed black if this was a vampire movie. Truthfully, my first thought was that Catherine Zeta-Jones was a vampire, but then I realized that this woman was more flawlessly beautiful than any woman who had ever appeared on the movie screen. There was no denying the effect she had on me, possibly had on all men. In fact, with Madame Vera, there was no denying anything at all.

"Hello," I said back, and found myself wanting to bow or something absurdly gentlemanly that I had no idea of how to be. I just wanted to scream out 'Holy shit you're fucking gorgeous!' but that was behaviour that would get you in the doghouse, and that was the last place you wanted to be. Oh no, you wanted to be in Madame Vera's good graces all the time.

"Welcome back among the living Robert. I trust you won't make dying a regular habit."

"If it means getting to see you again, it's a habit I'll have to take up."

That one failed to make any points. I'm sure she'd heard it before, and there I was making an ass of myself.

"Come along now Robert, I have an eight-thirty appointment and we're already running late."

And with barely a pause, I was caught up in the whirlwind that is Madame Vera, hustling along behind her, barely keeping up as she swept me through the corridors of the house.

"You're about twenty minutes overdue, but we'll excuse your tardiness this time, after all it is your first time here, but we must make sure to do better next time and not keep everyone waiting."

"Who's everyone?" I managed to stammer, and Madame Vera beckoned for me to open the door for her. I did, and she bustled her way through, mesmerizing and intoxicating in every fibre of her being. I was sure I was in lust, if not in actual love.

"Oh, silly boy, your guests of course. They've come to pay their respects to you."

Guests? Respects? There was the overwhelming feeling of being completely out of my depth, and I didn't quite know if Madame Vera was a circling shark or a friendly dolphin. With those teeth of hers, she was looking more like a shark every minute, albeit a very sexy shark who could bite me anytime she wanted...

"Where are we going again?"

"Oh dear, dear Robert: we're going to your funeral. Come along now."

This last was because I had stopped dead in my tracks and was fairly boggling at her. I had to run to catch up because Madame Vera didn't stop for anybody.

"How can I have a funeral? I'm not dead anymore." I had to think for a moment. "Am I dead?"

"Don't be silly Robert: not at all. This is your first death however, and you must celebrate your rebirth in style and class. Don't worry about a thing: I've already made all of the arrangements and even rented you some friends for a half an hour or so. "

"You rented me friends?"

"Well of course I did. I wasn't about to go find your real ones. Besides, real emotions are so difficult to deal with. These friends will do very nicely and for a half an hour they'll be your very best friends in the whole world. Only the best for you, darling."

"Suppose I don't want a funeral?"

She just raised her eyebrow at me and I felt the quiet fury of countless years of dealing with idiots like myself staring down at me. I wanted to punch myself in the face right there just so she wouldn't have to do it herself. Madame Vera knew what was best, and that started with me shutting up and doing exactly as she told me to.

"Of course you want a funeral," she said rather pointedly. I could read the subtext loud and clear and endeavoured to shut the fuck up. Madame Vera continued. "I've already made all of the arrangements, so you just listen to me and everything will be over before you know it. It will be mostly painless, I promise."

She hustled me into a darkened room and there, at the end of the room in a mound of flowers, was a casket. It was very expensive looking, all polished brass and rich mahoganies or whatever it was made of. It was also very empty, clearly waiting for someone (me) to take up residence. The problem is that someone (me again) wasn't exactly sold on the idea of actually needing a coffin and was entertaining the idea of running away very quickly. My rented friends, a couple of girls and three guys who looked like they came right out of an Abercrombie commercial, started to sniffle on cue. I had to admit, at least my friends were pretty.

The organist struck up a tune, and Madame Vera hustled me to the casket.

"Now into the nice coffin you go."

I hesitated, and Madame Vera smiled reassuringly.

"Trust me, it's remarkably cathartic. I believe one client referred to it as 'healing... relaxing' and she's got very good taste. Hurry now darling, we must not let your nice friends wait."

And that's how I ended up at my own funeral, lying in a casket and wondering what the hell I was doing. Two attendants had shown up almost out of nowhere and Madame Vera ordered them around like the general she was, getting them to fix the flowers and making sure everything was perfect. I just grinned and bore it, wondering how the hell anyone had managed to talk me into the macabre ceremony.

Madame Vera looked down into the coffin, something clearly on her mind.

"Oh, I forgot to ask. Did you want a Priest or a Rabbi? I've gotten Father Macklin to pop by, and if it isn't any bother, I'd prefer if we just went ahead and used him if it was all the same to you."

I sat up in the coffin, more out of shock than anything.

"You got me a priest? Is he a vampire?"

Madame Vera gently pushed me back down.

"Of course he's a vampire. Now lay down. You're technically dead."

Something was bothering me. I popped back up, hoping to get a look at the vampire priest.

"What does God think of that arrangement?" I wanted to know, but Madame gently and forcefully shoved me back down.

"I have no idea Robert. Next time you see him, why don't you ask him?"

I had one more question. I popped back up and Madame Vera smacked me in the forehead with the palm of her hand, clearly at her wit's end.

"Talk to the priest after the ceremony Robert."

"But I have questions—"

"Great!" Madame Vera said, sending the message loud and clear that we were done. "Now that our corpse has agreed to stay in the coffin, we'll just start with the viewing..."

I had a few minutes to look at the beautifully carved wooden ceiling, wondering if I dared to get up and make an exit, but Madame Vera would probably just wrestle me to the floor before I ruined her perfectly prepared funeral. I still wanted to get a look at the vampire priest but had a feeling that Madame Vera was prepared to nail me into the coffin and have a closed casket funeral if that's what it was going to take.

I actually started to relax and wondered at what Madame Vera had said about how healing this experience was. She may have had some very good logic and insight behind this whole thing. I started to come to terms with my entire existence and how much it had changed. I made a vow to ask the priest about the whole God and the meaning of life thing.

The first of my rented friends showed up, a gorgeous blonde with expensive jewelry. I winked at her, but she was fully into the role and ignored me.

"I'll miss you--"

"Bob," I hissed at her.

"--Bob, so very much."

And then she was gone, replaced by two of the guys who were sobbing inconsolably. This went on for about a full minute, probably because Madame Vera was directing everyone from out of sight somewhere, and the rented friends were gone. The last one, a Puerto Rican looking girl with dark hair, kissed me deeply. She smelled of some expensive perfume and that was heady and overpowering as I enjoyed the surprise tongue in my mouth and the sweet taste of her lips. What surprised me even more was that she had also slipped a card into my hand, presumably with her number on it. It was cool and weird and sexy as hell and almost made up for the weirdness of the whole situation.

The priest was a bit of a surprise. He was definitely a vampire. He was a good-looking fifty, and had a whole George Clooney thing going on that no doubt had him neck-deep in panties at every service. Not like that would matter to a priest, right? I wondered for a second if they stayed celibate after becoming a vampire, but one more look at the sexy motherfucker who was about to conduct my service convinced me otherwise. Dude winked at me and grinned, clearly enjoying himself.

It was the shortest ceremony I had ever been through.

"You were dead, now you're not, be blessed under God, ashes to ashes, dust to dust and welcome back." He held out a hand. "Need a hand outta there son?"

I took his hand and pulled myself out of the coffin. As I did, I noticed Madame Vera looking very sad and crying, actually crying, as if this was all for real, and my heart went out to her. The rented friends were already filing out, and the cute brunette waved to me as she went out the door. I made a note definitely to call her later.

"Thank you father," I said and he smiled at me. "Does God know you're doing this?"

"Beats me. I'm still waiting for him to tell me otherwise. In the meantime I still have my faith."

"I would have just thought that you couldn't be a vampire and be a priest at the same time. Seems a little hypocritical if you know what I mean..."

"God works in mysterious ways son. Can't be anymore mysterious than in the face of vampires, now can it?

Madame Vera came over and slipped her arm through mine and once again I was in love as she leaned into me, her smell wafting over me. It was instant woody time all over again. Damn she was sexy.

"Thank you father," she sobbed. "That was a lovely service." Madame Vera started to guide me away, and I waved to the priest as she swept me away again down a different set of corridors.

"That was not so bad," I said and she smiled.

"Oh, course not. It's a very healing ceremony, an acceptance of our lives after death, despite death in our cases and it allows us to understand our very place in the world. We're vampires, and we should be proud to honour that."

We'd reached a door now, and I was guided outside, feeling thankful for having met this wonderfully sexy woman.

"I can never repay you for this Madame Vera."

She smiled, total benevolence and I wanted to jump her bones right there and then.

"Don't be silly Robert. Of course, you can. Here's your bill."

The door slammed very solidly in my face.

******** AUTHOR'S NOTE **********

The book is now AVAILABLE in Hardcover, Paperback and Ebooks. It's going to live here free on Wattpad, but if you love the story and want to support your awesome author (me), grab a copy from one of the lovely retailers below. Who knows: maybe it can become a bestseller with the help of you lovely WattPadders

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