"You can hate Harry all you want, but his system works."

This was from Beatrice of course since you'd never catch me having anything nice to say about Harry, especially after the royal fucking he had administered to my life with no lack of glee on his part.

I sincerely hoped that my face wasn't betraying what my mind was thinking. I was making every effort not to run away across the parking lot in a blind panic, mainly because I didn't want to have to deal with Harry right now. Beatrice also made me just a little nervous for all the wrong reasons, and I couldn't shake the feeling that she was watching me and trying to decide if I was tasty or not. Running was looking quite appealing, but I didn't think Beatrice would have any problems catching me even at my fastest running speed. It would probably be best to play along and not show any signs of alarm.

"Um, didn't he just beat the shit out of you?"

Apparently, my mouth hadn't gotten the memo to shut the fuck up.

"Yeah, but I got over it," she said. "He only did it to remind me how much he cares about all of us."

"You're out of your mind," I said hoarsely, not quite believing what I was hearing. This level of crazy was usually reserved for battered wives and cultists.

"Yes I am! Thank you for noticing," Beatrice agreed, and there was something there, something honest and chilling that said that she knew exactly what she was and that she was very happy with it, thank you very much. She continued. "You don't understand, but you will. Without him, there would be only chaos, and we can't have that, right?"

I followed her to the car, completely aware of how little I knew about being a vampire.

***

You don't even notice how much Harry makes it all work, how easily vampire society fits in with ordinary human society. It's only when something breaks that you would notice. You're probably going about your daily routine not realizing just how well the system works and keeps on working. If you're still only aware of vampires as a fictional construct, then congrats: the system is still working very well, and it's because of Harry and vampires like him.

At the time, I still had to experience the entire vampire experience, so I had no idea just how seamless this integration was. I had been able to slip back into my old life while everything was screaming at me that none of this was normal, and somehow managed to ignore that screaming version of myself, because that guy was just all screamy and panicky and nobody wants to deal with that shit. That should have been my first clue and the screamy-panicky side of me was right for a change.

Let me break it down for you, since I have the advantage of hindsight and you clearly lack it.

Harry had integrated almost seamlessly with the city, working out some arrangements for medical, police, security, and especially on the corporate level, to take care of his people. The fact that so many of his vampires were massively invested in large corporations that were critical to the functional aspect of the city, that was just the piece de resistance, a big part of Harry's plan.

If a vampire got himself killed or seriously fucked up, when the EMTs showed up, there were certain procedures they had to run. It was a testament to the amount of thought Harry and his people had put into the preservation of vampires in the city.

One of the largest manufacturers of medical equipment in the city was run by a family of vampires. They made equipment used by the EMTs and Police Department, as well as in the Emergency Rooms at all area hospitals. This equipment was designed to scan for vampires, and it did its job well. The EMTs, for instance, were essential to the system and were closely monitored. Non-standard equipment was never to be used, ever.

Here's where the training and the equipment come in. The check EMTs for vital signs in the usual ways, nothing weird about that, but one extra step they use for all fatalities in the city is the one that stops a vampire from going to the morgue for regular people. Most vampires (call it 100% of them) would not survive the autopsy. It doesn't matter if you're 5000 years old or two weeks old.

Remember what Vern told me when I first came back from the dead? It's all true. When someone cuts open your chest cavity and removes all of your organs, then places said organs into plastic bags before putting them back inside, you're not surviving that.

Wait, I'm sorry, I think I said that in a way that you think it's not such a big fucking deal, so let's try again. It's not neat, and it's not pretty what they do, okay? They literally reach into the cavity and yank out your insides, starting from the tongue downwards. If they're really skilled, they can get the entire thing out in one big pull. Remember, part of the process also involves cutting open the fucking head and taking out the brain. I cannot stress this enough: they take out your fucking brain!

Look me in the eye and tell me that you're immortal and that you'll survive that.

Really? Well, I call bullshit.

The Scanner is used by the EMTs first to scan the retinas of the deceased and then to take a photo of the face. They don't think of it beyond that, but the rules state that this must be done before the body or patient leaves the scene.

A blinking red light would be all the patient, dead or alive would see. It scans the retina, and that appears to be the end of it, but there is a hell of a lot more going on at the other end of the signal. By the time the body or patient is in the ambulance, the response team already knows that a vampire is coming in and exactly which vampire it is. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I guess the main thing was that they already had a system in place, and more than anything, they instantly knew if it was one of their vampires. Think about that for a bit. It will be relevant later.

The next part is extremely low-tech. Vampires get a red plastic bracelet with a tracking device. Everybody else gets the blue plastic bracelets and sent back to reality. Red bracelet patients like me get to wake up to extortion demands from Vern and then actual extortion from Madame Vera.

***

"That's very interesting," I said as Beatrice finished explaining.

"Hey, it works, right? But the one thing it doesn't prepare you for is the after effects of dying. Occasional flashbacks and panic attacks out of nowhere. If you're into PTSD, that's awesome for you. Otherwise, it can really fuck you up."

"Treatments include therapy and drugs? Except drugs don't work on us, do they?"

"Not the regular ones," Beatrice said with a mischievous grin, and for a second I almost grinned back.

Beatrice pulled open the back door of the car, and I was surprised to find a remarkable lack of Harry in the car.

"Where's Harry?" I asked.

A voice boomed from the speaker system inside the back of the extremely luxurious vehicle.

"Welcome back to the land of the living Bobby. Now get in the fucking car: We're going for a ride."

***

Everything else that happened to me over the year essentially happened because of this entire situation, the one where I don't understand jack-shit about what being a vampire is about. My flailing around uninstructed wasn't helping myself or anybody else. Maybe Harry had hoped that I would rise to the challenge and would prove that I was worthy to be a vampire or some shit, and to that all I have to say is:

"You shouldn't have taken my drugs."

"You shouldn't have gotten shot."

"Yeah, but me getting shot comes from the fact that you took my drugs! Which as I pointed out, weren't even mine to begin with. I appreciate the whole sink or swim argument, that whole 'let's see what he's made of' vibe you got going on, but you don't steal the drugs of psychopaths with guns and leave me holding the bag!"

"He's right you know," Beatrice said, and Harry just grunted. He had a way of grunting that sounded like a glare. Beatrice ignored it. "Well, he is. If they had been my drugs, I would have shot him too."

"Shut your face, Beatrice. You're not helping."

"Happy to oblige," she said rather cheekily. We were in the back of Harry's extremely comfortable town car that had more room inside than should have been physically possible. The seats were welcoming and firm at the same time in a way that told you whoever took care of the car loved the fuck out of it and would definitely object to the way Beatrice had made herself comfortable on the soft leather. Beatrice had somehow found a lollipop from somewhere and was now sucking on it in a way that suggested she was going to start chewing it soon, just taking huge crunching bites and crushing it between her teeth. Strangely enough this was a weird turn-on for me, and from the sly way she glanced at me, Beatrice was fully aware of the effect it was having.

The car accelerated forward, first surprising me and then freaking me out more than just a little bit. The little drive "around the block" had stopped being any kind of "round" shape, and that was making me nervous.

"Can we get back to the 'where were we going' part of this conversation? Beatrice said we weren't going anywhere?"

"She lies," Harry said, and Beatrice nodded happily.

"Yeah. I lie a lot. If I were me, I wouldn't believe a word of anything I had to say."

"You were right," I said to Harry. "She really isn't helping. Are you going to tell me where we're going?"

"To the one place I should have taken you instead of sending you out into the world by yourself like that."

"Vegas?"

"You're going to the Hall of the Drunken King."

This announcement was met by complete silence from me, mainly because I was wracking my brain trying to figure out exactly what that was, why it was such a big deal and why Harry thought it was such an awesome thing. From the massive eye roll and heavy sigh, I could see Beatrice had already figured out how clueless I was.

"So is Vegas not in consideration?"

Beatrice shook the slick-looking flier in front of my face. It was a brochure to the hottest club in town where only top shelf clientele got in, and membership was required. It was a place that mere mortals could only ever dream of attending, a place called HTDK—

Oh, fuck me. The intern at Harry's office had mentioned this.

Beatrice grinned as she saw me finally making the connections.

"That's right, Bobbykins. You're about to meet the rest of the family."

******** AUTHOR'S NOTE **********

The book is now AVAILABLE in Hardcover, Paperback and Ebooks. It's going to live here free on Wattpad, but if you love the story and want to support your awesome author (me), grab a copy from one of the lovely retailers below. Who knows: maybe it can become a bestseller with the help of you lovely WattPadders

Amazon - http://bit.ly/Amazon-SIMBAV

iBooks - http://bit.ly/iBooks-SIMBAV

Barnes & Noble - http://bit.ly/BarnesNoble-SIMBAV

Indigo - http://bit.ly/Indigo-SIMBAV

Check out the website: http://www.bobthevampire.com