Dammit.

I was going to go on and tell you about how I became a vampire, but I'm beginning to realize that's not the important thing here. People already have this fucked up idea it's this great romantic thing, and God knows there have been a whole lot of stories written about becoming a vampire. I look at those stories and then look at my own account and it's just embarrassing.

I promise I'll get around to it. Eventually. But it's kind of not the point of this story.

The important thing here is that life as a vampire changes your entire perspective, but not like how you would assume. Even after you've put your assumptions aside, you realize the stories gloss over so much fine detail essential to everyday living. High adventure and save-the-world scenarios don't happen to all of us you see. For some of us, it's the day-to-day stuff that gets us.

They don't tell you the whole truth because it's just not sexy.

They don't tell you that when you become a vampire, you still have to hold down a job.

***

"You mean you actually have a job? What the fuck does a vampire even need a job for?"

I got this question on yet another night from this girl I had met in a bar. There's a whole theme going on here with me, bars, and girls with slightly more open attitudes about casual sex, so yes, I was in another bar, but this time slightly less broke than usual. This was about three months after I had become a vampire and I was hanging out at one of the bars my old friends would never ever go to. This girl had walked right up to me like she knew me and had said "I like your eyes," like it was nothing. She was utterly fearless and that was charming in itself. The fact that she was cute and a redhead also helped. I love redheads: they're my kryptonite.

"Oh, I got them when I became a vampire," I had said before realizing I was going to.

"Cool," she had said and that was that. "I'm Becky." We became instant friends in the way that strangers who don't want to fuck each other become friends. It was actually what I needed at the time since I was in one of my dark moods, and she had actually made me smile. We ended up sharing a joint while we walked to the next bar and it was cool to be honest with someone for a change. She and I would part ways at the end of the night and we would never see each other again, but for a while, at that moment, we had a connection and we were the best of friends.

"Well, I still gotta pay rent don't I?" I asked, but from the look on her face, I could tell she wasn't buying it. "Were you actually thinking that I lived in a graveyard somewhere, sleeping in a coffin and shit?"

"Well yeah. You're a vampire. That's what vampires do." Becky sounded a little let down by my admission.

"Sorry to disappoint?"

"You're really not what I expected a vampire to be like."

"I get that a lot."

"You tell a lot of people that you're a vampire?"

"Nah, only you. It's the other vampires who give me attitude. Man, the stories I could tell you."

To be honest, I get the "graveyard" question more often than not and people don't even think about the complications and total creep factor of hanging around graveyards. You probably think that's where vampires are supposed to live and I can't blame you. But can you imagine having the stench of death hanging on you? Ever spent a night in a graveyard? Believe me, there's a bit of a stench going on with all the decomposing bodies. And where would you even keep your clothes? This is where the whole smelling like a grave comes in, because clothes pick up whatever is in the surroundings and you're going to stink worse than a smoker. No thanks!

It's amazing what we've all been trained to think about how vampires live.

I live in the same place that I did before I got turned and I still have the same shitty job. Do I have a social insurance number? Check! I still paid my bills late, and when tax time rolled around, guess which guy was trying to find a way to not pay them on account of being a vampire, only to find out there is no vampire exemption clause anywhere. And I still hide from the occasional creditor by telling them that I'm dead. I'm still in the system, just another ordinary citizen, making his way through life, another face in the crowd.

"What about flying? Tell me there's at least flying," Becky pleaded.

"Sorry no. That's a movie plot device to keep things moving forward. I still take the bus which of course takes for-fucking-ever, and then on rainy nights, I drive my old piece of shit car. And it's the same old piece of shit car I had before."

"Next, you'll be telling me there's no Easter Bunny or Santa Claus," Becky had pouted and passed the joint.

I inhaled deeply and passed the joint back to her, considering telling her that drugs no longer had any lasting effect on me, but then decided I didn't want to completely ruin her idea of vampires.

I could have told her what an elitist bunch of pricks vampires are. The old ones are the worst because they're the richest. They've had time to accumulate wealth you see and they consider it a prerequisite that to be worthy enough to be a vampire, that first you be rich. Trust-fund kids are the best candidates for this, and the fact that so many of them are already rich assholes pre-qualifies them to be rich vampire assholes.

They say it's for their own protection and I see their point. It's expensive to be a vampire because you now have to actually plan for the future, get those investment portfolios rolling because it's no longer your grand kids you have to worry about leaving something for; it's yourself.

It's no wonder so many vampires are ecologists. If you don't understand this, then you're a fucking idiot and you ruined the earth. If you get it, please continue.

"You aren't just fucking with me are you?"

"I could be, but I think you can smell a bullshitter."

"Now you got me thinking," Becky said after a moment. "I was imagining vampires swanning about the damn place being all broody and shit and coming out at night to prey on people for blood..."

"Day in and day out. Think about it for a while, just think about doing that all damn day. Sounds incredibly boring right?"

"It sounds like the lifestyles of the rich and the bored." Becky agreed. "I never thought of it that way."

"You never thought of it at all. Don't worry: nobody thinks about it unless they're living it."

Not convinced? Fine: you decide to not do the same thing that I did and keep my job. You go off and have adventures, maybe even travel someplace exotic (or not, entirely up to you), or do something fun. That is assuming you have money saved. You do have a big savings account right? No? Then you're pretty much fucked and you're going to be bored pretty quickly... at least, until your landlord comes to kick you out for not paying the rent. Have you ever thought what you'd be doing if you didn't have a job to go to? Most people would just end up sleeping, overdosing on Netflix or porn and masturbating too much. Nothing beats boredom like tossing one off in the afternoon and for many people, going to work is the only thing saving them from the fate of being a compulsive masturbator.

"So what do you do for a living?" Becky asked.

Now that was one hell of a question.

****************

AUTHOR'S NOTELet me know what you liked about the characters, what made you laugh or what just made you so mad. Comment! And don't forget to VOTE!

Read my other work where I tackle vampires in the real world 6 REASONS VAMPIRES OF LEGEND WOULD SUCK https://www.wattpad.com/myworks/50550661-6-reasons-why-vampires-of-legend-would-suck

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QUESTION OF THE DAY: Would you fight it if a vampire wanted to drink your blood? Especially if it was a vampire like Sweater Bob?