"The sun is coming up soon, and you my friend, are going to burn."

These are not the words you ever want to wake up to, especially if you're a vampire. If this ever happens to you, I advise you to get on your feet and run away as quickly as possible. Don't even look to see where you are or anything, just fucking run. I wish I could say that I followed my own advice, but I had one teeny tiny problem. I had been laid on the ground in a spread eagle position, my limbs pointing to four different directions; I could feel the coldness of iron around my wrists and shins and knew that there would be chains involved.

Of course, there were chains.

Oh yeah, and there was the teeny tiny fact that except for my socks, I was fucking naked.

"What the fuck dude?" I strained to look over at Sebastien who had found the perfect position to sit which gave me a nice view of his profile. He was smoking a cigarette.

A cell phone rang and Sebastien tapped the ignore button. It looked a lot like my phone but was gone too fast for me to see properly.

We were on a beach, and judging from the cold wind that blew across the sand and whipped grains of sand at me, while trying to insinuate itself into every inch of my exposed skin, it was one of the more remote beaches, not a house or person within at least half a kilometer. They say in space, no one can hear you scream, but they'd forgotten that there are plenty of places on earth that heartily took that statement as a raison d'etre. To say that I had wind whipping at my butthole would be a slight understatement. Remember, I was spread-eagled, so every inch of me was literally spread and exposed. It's all in the name of the thing. Being whipped about the junk by a particularly aggressive wind is seriously not fun.

It was dark, but the sky (and I could see plenty of sky from my position) had that particularly charming look of a sky that was preparing to welcome the morning sun. I turned my head to look around, and pain shot through my head as a reward.

"Don't try to move too much. We injected you with about twelve ounces of bleach, and you're still getting it out of your system. Your body hates it, but it hates being dead even more."

"Remind me to punch you when I get out of this," I quipped and damn if the pain didn't shoot through my skull as if a small and determined gnome was hammering on the top of my head.

"You're going to burn Bob."

I strained against the chains but couldn't get them to move. Whatever they were attached to was firmly rooted into the ground and was purposely thwarting me. Yep, he was right. I was going to die.

Ring Ring. The cellphone again and once again Sebastien tapped the ignore button.

"You won't burn up immediately you know," Sebastian said after a moment. "Apparently it takes a long, long time and you'll be awake for the whole thing. Your body tries to heal while it's burning you see, so the fire doesn't consume you like you see in the movies. That's why you're tied down, so you can't run. I've heard it can take at least an hour before your system finally shuts down and you die. It's really a horrible death."

"This is a lot of overkill for me punching you man! Couldn't you just kick me in the balls instead?"

Sebastien gave me a long dirty look and curled his lip at me. "You just don't get it, Bob. I think it may actually be too far out of the realm of your reality for you ever to really get it. You are supposed to be dead by now, and yet here you still are. You go to work like a normal person, you pay your bills like a normal person, and you've gone and somehow gotten yourself some friends who are just like you, a bunch of vampire rejects. You're pretending to be human so hard, it makes the ten years of shit that I put up with actually mean nothing. I look at you and wonder how you can even survive, like how the hell do you even do it?" He shook his head. "You being alive is a goddamn insult. A goddamn lie. It's a goddamn slap in the face that my whole life as a vampire means nothing and you are a reminder of that. So I'm going to kill you, and maybe at some point in the future I'll forget you ever existed."

"Is it too late for an apology?" I asked. "I'll even try to mean it, I promise."

Sebastien pulled a huge knife from somewhere on the ground, and I strained to turn my head to see what else he had there, but all I could see was the edges of some kind of dark cloth. Sebastien admired the knife a little too lovingly for my taste. He looked like he wanted to French-kiss the damn thing.

Ring! Ring!

"Goddamit!" Sebastien swore and tapped on ignore once again.

"Maybe you should get that. He seems persistent."

Sebastien shook it off and pocketed the phone again.

"You know, I had this whole elaborate plan where I was going to make your life a living hell and make you think you're losing your mind. Purely by chance, I saw you leaving this dive bar with some chick one night, and I figured that you were going to take her back to her place and suck her blood. I was impressed that you'd figured out a way to get your own supply of blood... but what I saw most of all was an opportunity to properly fuck with you. My plan was to follow you one night and wait until you and whatever girl you picked up had gone to sleep, and then I was going to drain her dry so that when you woke up, there would be a dead chick in the bed with you and you'd think you'd done it!"

"That is seriously fucked up. I kinda like it though. Twisted but I like it." I wasn't lying either. I was actually impressed. "So what happened?"

"Well it was a pretty elaborate plan, and there were a lot of moving parts. I actually made it into the bedroom of that blonde with the shoulder tattoo, you know the one I mean right? About yea tall, thick and curvy, remember her? So I get into the bedroom, and she wakes up but doesn't see me. I spent the rest of the night in the closet listening to you two fucking and moaning and fucking and on and on and on. I almost came out and killed her for being such a screamer, but that would have ruined the whole plan. That night was the closest I ever got. It's a lot of hard work trying to ruin someone's life, and I had other things going on, so eventually, I just couldn't be bothered."

"If you had pulled it off, I would have been seriously freaked out."

"I know, right?"

I chuckled, actually enjoying the moment.

"So, any chance you're gonna change your mind and let me go?"

Sebastien held up what he had been carving so that I could see properly for the first time. I instantly wished that he had decided to keep it a secret. It was a three-foot-long piece of greyish wood, and the tip had been very recently and almost lovingly sharpened into a long and wicked-looking point. Sebastien got to his feet, clearly loving my response as he lofted it firmly in two hands.

"I'm afraid not Bob," Sebastien said. "I've been looking forward to this all night and you don't want me to go home sad, do you?"

"You're a bit of a date rapist aren't you?" I quipped, and why the hell was I pissing him off even more? It didn't matter if it was probably true, that flash of insight coming to me from his language, the general rule tends to be don't piss off the man with the sharp stick!

"Don't sweat it, Bob! This isn't going to kill you! Just fuck you up a hell of a lot!"

Sebastien reared back, the fucked up stake going high into the air and I knew it was aimed at my heart and in a very short time I was going to feel what it felt like to be a Bob-ke-bab. Or maybe a shishkaBob. It didn't matter that it wasn't going to kill me at all. It mattered that it was going to hurt and that I was going to be the one doing the hurting.

Ring! Ring!

That threw Sebastien completely off.

"Seriously?" he yelled at the phone.

There was a roar of an engine and both Sebastien and I turned to look in the direction, me straining my neck muscles to see properly. I was just in time to see a cherry red Camaro come tearing down the beach towards us, a huge cloud of dust rising from behind it. The Camaro fish-tailed to a stop, the driver's door swinging open even before the car stopped.

"You should really answer the phone," Claude said, and for the first time I noticed the huge gun in his hand, the gun that was pointed right at Sebastien--

BLAM!

******** AUTHOR'S NOTE **********

The book is now AVAILABLE in Hardcover, Paperback and Ebooks. It's going to live here free on Wattpad, but if you love the story and want to support your awesome author (me), grab a copy from one of the lovely retailers below. Who knows: maybe it can become a bestseller with the help of you lovely WattPadders

Amazon - http://bit.ly/Amazon-SIMBAV

iBooks - http://bit.ly/iBooks-SIMBAV

Barnes & Noble - http://bit.ly/BarnesNoble-SIMBAV

Indigo - http://bit.ly/Indigo-SIMBAV

Check out the website: http://www.bobthevampire.com