Skirm

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It didn't surprise me that Reje turned cold to me again. Though it sure hurts, I already expected that when the next morning comes, he would be back into Sofia Marie's arms. 

Ayos lang sa'kin kahit mahirap tanggapin sa sistema. Ayos lang kahit mawala ang moralidad ko basta siya.

Reje turned out to be the red flag I could not resist. Kahit anong gawin ko, kahit alam kong mali, pilit pa rin siyang inaasam ng aking puso't isipan.

"Kabit ka pa rin ba ng ReFia couple?" minsan ay naging tanong sa'kin ni Ann. 

Walang tinig ang lumabas mula sa aking bibig upang sagutin siya.

I am aware of all the gossips that Sofia Marie and Reje are together. Ngunit hanggat hindi sinasabi ni Reje mula kaniyang labi na may relasyon sila, patuloy akong magbubulagbulagan at magpapakampante sa bisig niya. 

I'm sitting in my class right now staying silent as my classmates votes to whom our be the representative for this years, Mr. and Ms. Science. Hindi ako nakikisali sa kanila dahil alam ko namang si Reje at Sofia Marie na agad ang mapipili. I just stayed quiet in the corner refusing to watch how sweet their interaction was.

Nagpanggap akong abala sa pagsusulat upang hindi halata na apektado ako sa dalawa. But the silly thing is, if someone would look at what I'm writing right now, they would just see the name 'Reje Cuaresma' on it. Kaya niyukyok ko ang ulo at ipinalibot pa ang dalawa kong braso sa maliit kong notebook para lang walang makakita sa sinulat ko.

My classmates aren't aware that I am sheepishly listening to their opinions as they vote. Katulad nang inaasahan, nominated na agad si Sofia Marie at Reje.

"Alright guys, who else?" tanong ni ma'am sa harapan.

"Si Jim po gusto raw sumali," nang-aasar na turo ng kaklase kong babae na si Anya, sa kaklase naming lalaki na nananahimik lang sa gilid.

"Wala akong sinabi," pambara na sabi ni Jim.

"Talaga ba? Kaya pala nabasa ko sa diary mo na gusto mong maging Mr. Science ngayong taon," 

"Talaga rin ba? Kaya pala narinig kitang inutusan si Shania na i-nominate ka para mapiling representative ng klase natin,"

Bahagyang napaangat ako ng tingin nang maghiyawan ang aking mga kaklase. Namumulang umupo, tanda ng pagsuko, si Anya ngunit bago 'yon ay hinampas niya muna si Jim sa braso.

Natatawang nag-iwas ako ng tingin at saktong nasalubong ang tingin ni Alon.

"Bakit ka nakangiti?" tanong ko sa kaniya, kinakabahan dahil mapaglaro ang kaniyang ngisi. 

"Pfft, wala naman," sabi niya na mas lalong nagpakaba sa'kin.

Nagbaba ako ng tingin at nagpatuloy ulit sa pagsulat ng pangalan ni Reje. Nilipat ko na ang pahina dahil puno na ang likod ng aking notebook ng kaniyang pangalan.

"Yes, Mr. Tresvalles?"

Agad akong napaangat ulit ng tingin nang tawagin ni Ma'am ang aking katabi. I looked at Alon with wide eyes when I noticed that he is raising his hand and is grinning from ear to ear.

"Ah-eh, magvovolunteer po sana akong sumali sa Mr. Science ngayon, ma'am. Kung pwede po sana hehe," pabebeng sabi ni Alon.

"Pwedeng-pwede, Mr. Tresvalles. Actually class, I will require two sets of pairs of representatives from this section. There will be no explanation as to why, I just want more chances of us winning the contest," sabi ni ma'am na nagpasinghap sa aking mga kaklase, maging ako ay napabuka rin ng bibig.

"Talaga ma'am? Magvovolunteer din daw po si Ms. Sofia Grace Estillier, gusto niya rin daw pong maging si Ms. Science,"

Nanlaki ang aking mata at agad napailing nang ituro ako ni Alon. I was about to protest when our teacher didn't give me a chance to speak.  

"That's nice to hear, Ms. Estillier. So I guess it's already official. Ms. Esteves alongside Mr. Cuaresma will be our first representative. And Ms. Estillier partnered with Mr. Tresvalles will be our second representative. That's all for our meeting today, goodbye class!"

Muling nagsipag-ingay ang aking mga kaklase ngunit tila wala akong marinig dahil sa ginawang kalokohan ni Alon. Agad ko siyang hinampas at naluluhang umiling-iling sa kaniya.

"Bakit mo naman ginawa 'yon? Alam mo namang wala akong pera para magsali-sali sa contest na 'yan!" I said, on the verge of tears as the memoirs of my grade six gala event, traumatized me.

"Akong bahala sa'yo, sagot kita!" masiglang sabi ni Alon at ipinatong ang dalawang palad sa magkabila kong balikat. But despite the assurance and support he's giving, I'm still frightened. 

I looked away as I couldn't bear to watch the glint of excitement in Alon's eyes. Sakto namang pag-iba ko ng tingin ay nakasalubong ko ang mata ni Sofia Marie. And I don't know why I purred like a small afraid wolf. Muli ay nakaramdam ako ng inggit, ng panliliit. 

Buong oras ng klase ay inisip ko lang kung paano makakatakas sa gulong dinala sa'kin ni Alon. Hindi ko kayang sumali sa paligsahang iyon. A Ms. Science should be confident, brave, smart, elegant, isn't insecure—And I am not that. 

Bagay na bagay kay Sofia Marie ang titulo. Kahit naman siguro sumali ako ay hindi pa rin ako mananalo, it's obvious, I think Sofia Marie will win. 

Tumayo ako agad nang marinig ang bell senyales na uwian na. I fixed all my things and put it all inside my bag. Instead of going home, I decided to drop by the faculty to talk to our homeroom teacher first. Gusto kong sabihin sa kaniya na aatras na 'ko sa paligsahan at ipapaliwanag ko rin na hindi ako totoong nag volunteer, na ang totoo ay napagtripan lang ako ni Alon. 

"Uuwi ka na?" tanong ko sa katabi ko na dahilan ng aking problema. 

"Oo, bakit?"

"Samahan mo muna ako sa faculty. Aatras ako sa contest, ipaliwanag mo kung bakit,"

"Ha? B-bakit ka aatras? Di ba sabi ko sa'yo sagot kita?"

"Wala akong lakas ng loob para sumali sa mga ganiyan. Sabihin mo na lang na katuwaan lang iyong pagnominate mo sa'kin kanina,"

"Ano? Baka magalit si Ma'am sa'kin pag sinabi kong nantitrip lang ako kanina? Baka bawian pa 'ko sa grade no'n, alam mo naman kung gaano 'yon kasungit dahil pa-menopause na," nagkakandalukot ang mukha na sabi ni Alon. 

"Tigilan mo 'ko! You need to accompany me to the faculty so I can have a better chance of them letting me withdraw. And you're the one who puts me in this situation anyway so it's your job to help me get out of it!"

"—Ay shet, straight English, paano ba 'yan? Wala akong maintindihan. Sibat na 'ko lods!"

Hinihingal pa ako sa bahagyang pagtaas ng boses nang manlaki ang mata nang takbuhan ako ni Alon. I quickly grabbed my bag and chased after him as he ran away from me.

"Alon!" I called his name with carefulness in my low tone, afraid that I might get everyone's attention.

"Bye, Grasya ko! Ingat ka sa pag-uwi, at huwag mo rin akong isusumbong, magtatampo ako sa'yo pag sinabi mo ang kalokohan ko kanina," Alon shouted to which, obviously, gained the attention of our schoolmates. Wala sa sarili tuloy akong napatago sa bag kong maliit. Useless right?

Ugh, nakuha pa talaga akong konsensyahin ng mokong na iyon. Pero buti na lang wala akong konsensya kaya sa gusto niya man o hindi, aatras pa rin ako sa paligsahan.

I fixed and composed myself a bit before walking to the faculty. Iyon nga lang ay hindi pa nga ako nakakatatlong hakbang nang may humatak sa'kin.

"Hmpfff—" my scream got muffled in someone's calloused hands.

"Shh, it's me," whisphered Reje. 

I instantly relaxed my muscles upon hearing his voice. Tinanggal niya ang kamay sa aking bibig at nilagay iyon sa aking bewang.

"I heard your conversation with him," he said, talking about Alon. 

Bumuntong hininga ako.

"Why do you want to withdraw? I'm sure you'll ace the contest,"

Sumikip ang aking dibdib at parang inatake ng maraming kati-kati ang aking lalamunan. I want to answer him but the itch in my throat is preventing me.

"I also heard that our professor will give extra-points for all the participants, why would you back out?"

Naibaba ko na lamang ang tingin sa aking sapatos. 'Yan na naman sila sa extra-points. I didn't become the grade six class valedictorian because of that. And being reminded of that event, it ignited some emotions of rage in me that I can't explain if it's worth the risk. 

Naguguluhan ako. Nalilito. 

Reje enveloped his arms around my waist. He rested his chin on my blades, and inhaled my sweet scent.

Naipikit ko ang mata nang mapagtantong nasa madilim na lugar kami. Lugar kung saan walang nakakakita kaya malaya kaming gawin ang gusto, o ang kaniyang gusto. Napapikit ako nang mariin kasi ito na naman siya, tinatago ako sa dilim. And fuck me for allowing it. Masyado yata akong nasanay sa kadiliman dahil ginagawa ko na itong pahingahan imbis na katakutan. 

I stayed still and let him hug me. Hindi ko sinuklian ang kaniyang yakap. I just stood like a frozen statue under his arms.

"Let's win the contest together, don't back out and fight with me," he said like it was so easy.

I released a breath of suspiration. I don't know how to respond without him getting offended. My chest suspired again,

"Pag-iisipan ko,"

After a couple of minutes, he finally let go of me. And I was finally able to breathe freely.

"I'll see you tomorrow," he bid goodbye before kissing my cheeks.

Ngumiti lang ako ng tipid at kumuway habang pinapanood siyang maglakad palayo sa'kin.

It hurts.

So fucking much.

I am always in competition with Sofia Marie. And to be honest it suffocates me. Dahil kahit gaano man karami ang balang dala ko para sa gera ay hindi pa rin ako nananalo. Kasi mag-isa lang ako. Walang kakampi at hindi gusto ng kahit sino.

I am still in competition with Sofia Marie, the battle hasn't reached its end yet. However, I am already defeated. Kasi tuwing kinakalaban ko siya, ang buong mundo ang kumakalaban sa'kin. And Reje wouldn't even look at me. He would always avoid me. He would treat me like I'm a stranger to him. At dahil dito ay natatakot ako. Natatakot na akong magtapang-tapangan dahil ang totoo ay isa akong duwag. Bahag ang buntot. 

The thought of losing Reje again just because I went against Sofia Marie horrifies me. Kasi kahit ginagago na 'ko ni Reje ay masaya ako sa sitwasyon na meron kami. Ang kaisipan na baka iwasan niya na naman ako kung sakaling madaig ko man o hindi si Sofia Marie ay nakakapanghina. Knowing him, I know he'll avoid me if it's Sofia Marie that I'm targetting. And I don't want to lose him. Not when I'm already starting to realize he's the fresh air I've been craving to breathe. 

Umuwi ako sa'min na nawawala ang sarili. I couldn't fake a smile while taking care of Trisha. Bawat kilos ko ay halos wala akong gana. Paulit-ulit na naglaro sa aking isipan kung ano ba ang dapat na maging desisyon. 

I, of course, want to join the contest. Infact, I wanted so badly to defeat Sofia Marie and showcase my talent in our school. To show them that I'm capable too.

I said before that I'll work so hard for Sofia Marie's fall. But the more I'm trying to bring her down, the more I'm putting myself deep buried in mud. 

Kinabukasan ay tuliro akong pumasok sa klase. I am asking myself where did all my bravery go when I was in grade six and so angry for Sofia Marie's money? Where is my determination? Why is it disappearing?

"Psst, Grasya ko,"

Narealize ko na wala pala akong kayang gawin kung hindi ay magtampo lang at magalit sa mundo. Ang hirap pala talaga kapag wala kang pera. Kahit anong pagsisikap, kung hindi sang-ayon sa iyo ang mundo, sayang lang lahat ng pinaghihirapan mo.

"Psst, tawag tayo ni ma'am may practice raw,"

I tightly gripped my pen and wrote Reje's name frustratingly in my notebook again. How annoying is this habit of mine becoming?—

"Grasya!—"

"H-huh?" gulat na tanong ko kay Alon matapos niya akong batukan. "Bakit?!"

"Kanina ko pa inaagaw 'yang atensyon mo. Tumayo ka na riyan, may practice raw!"

Napatingin ako sa labas at nakitang nasa labas na sila Reje kasama ang iba pang kalahok mula sa iba't-ibang seksyon. Dali-dali akong tumayo, bahagyang inayos ang sarili at hinawakan ang kamay ni Alon.

I exhaled all the heavy things bothering me. I guess I don't really have a choice.

"Di ka na magba-backout?" ngising tanong ni Alon.

"Those are for weak," I said, confidently and fiercely.

Alon smirked and held my hand like a queen. I ignored the stares of Reje and Sofia Marie as we joined them together with the other candidates.

Noong nakaraang paligsahan ay naduwag ako sa kaisipang wala akong laban. As crazy as it sounds—Or maybe not that crazy anymore, I fancy this time around, I won't be shaken up by that thought. Instead, I'll be the one to shake worlds...this time around. 

I'll wait for your fall, Sofia Marie... 

;

XIX