Lonely

.

I spent my whole Friday putting on a mask of bravery in front of everyone. I planned to ignore Reje that whole day but failed miserably. Hindi ko siya kayang hindi pansinin kahit hindi naman siya nagpapansin.

After he saw me on the mango tree. He looked away and pretended he didn't see me. Nag tuloy-tuloy 'yon hanggang kinabukasan. He didn't confront me or anything. Iniisip niya siguro na wala naman siyang ginawang mali at ako lang 'tong nagdaramdam kahit hindi naman dapat. And like what I did last Thursday, I also didn't go to the sea on Friday.

"Hindi ka ba magpapaalam sa mama mo?" my father asked me.

I'm in bed right now and my head is buried on my pillows. Ngayon ang araw ng pag alis ni mama. At wala akong ibang maramdaman kundi pighati. I don't want her to leave. I only want her by our side.

Hindi ako nagsalita at pinakiramdaman lang si papa. I felt him leave the room and didn't even bother to close the door.

Mahigpit na niyakap ko ang unan nang may naramdaman akong pumasok. That someone hugged me and kissed my cheeks while saying goodbye—it's my mom.

Tinago kong maigi ang mukha nang mayroong tumulong luha. It didn't take long for my shoulders to shake, making my hiding of tears useless. And despite the whole one and a half day of me trying to be brave, I still failed. Dahil kahit sinubukan kong hindi magpakita ng kahit anumang emosyon ay wala rin, alam na ni mama na umiiyak ako.

"Hindi naman magtatagal si mama ro'n, anak. Tatapusin lang natin ang hulog ng motor. Pangako, babalik si mama," there, she finally made a promise.

Muli ay hindi ako nagsalita at hindi rin gumalaw mula sa pagkakahiga. I felt her weight leave the bed. Maya-maya pa ay naramdaman ko na rin ang kaniyang pag-alis sa kwarto.

Umatungal ako ng iyak. Hindi ko gusto na umalis siya. Gusto ko rito lang siya...

"Ate Sofia, nakasakay na ang mama mo ng habal-habal,"

Nilingon ko si Ann na nakasilip sa pinto ng aming kwarto. Bigla ay natauhan ako at kusang napabangon. I left the room and also the house, running, when I saw mom's ride was already leaving.

"Ma! Ma!" I shouted while crying.

Tumakbo ako nang tumakbo at hindi tumigil sa pag sigaw hanggat di ako naririnig ni mama.

"Ma!!!"

Pinahinto ng mga nakakita sa'kin na kapit-bahay ang sasakyan ni mama. I immediately run to her when I saw her looking back at me. Agad akong yumakap sa kaniyang bewang at isinubsob ang mukha rito.

"B-babalik ka, ah?" I asked for assurance, crying hard, couldn't even breathe.

Hinaplos niya ang aking likod, "Shh, oo naman! Mabilis lang si mama ro'n. Babalik din agad,"

Tumango ako, "Ingat ka po ro'n, Ma. M-mahal po kita,"

"Mahal din kita, nak. Huwag mong pababayaan ang mga kapatid mo at mag-aral kang mabuti. Sipagan mong makakuha ng award para makaakyat si mama sa stage," my mom said sweetly and kissed my cheeks.

"O-opo,"

Binitawan ako ni mama at bumalik sa pagsakay ng habal-habal. Masakit man makita ngunit pinanood ko pa rin ang kaniyang paglisan. I am crying, of course, as I watch her wave her hands.

Huminga ako nang malalim at inisip mabuti ang kaniyang huling bilin. I'll definitely make her proud of me someday. Balang araw ay ako na ang magtatrabaho para sa pamilya para hindi niya na kailangang umalis at iwan kami rito sa probinsya.

I wiped my tears.

My mom's ride is now long gone. I am now staring at nothing. On the side are my neighbors' curious gazes. Inilibot ko ang paningin at nakitang halos lahat sila ay nakalabas na ng bahay, nakadungaw sa eksena. Samantalang napaupo na lang ako sa buhangin dahil sa panghihina.

"It's okay," I heard and felt someone stroke my hair. Kahit hindi ko na siya lingunin ay alam ko na kung sino ito.

"'Yan 'yong anak ni Kapitan diba?"

"Oo, siya nga. Kilala niya pala 'yang anak ni Buboy,"

"Ay naku, di na ako magtataka kung aagawin niyang batang 'yan si Reje kay Sofia. Mang-aagaw rin 'yan katulad ng ama. Hay, kawawa naman ang anak ni Bong,"

Naitakip ko ang dalawang palad sa tenga nang marinig ang chismisan ng mga kapit-bahay. I standed up on my own and started to walk back to our house.

"Sandali lang," pigil ni Reje sa'kin, hawak niya ang aking palapulsuhan.

"Sorry..." he said.

Nilingon ko siya at mistulang nabingi. It was the first time that I heard his voice again since Thursday. No'ng biyernes kasi ay tahimik lang siya at di man lang nag abala na magpartisipa sa klase. I also didn't see him talk to Ate Sofia even once. It's as if he became mute for one day.

"Para sa'n?"

I watched him as he avoided my eyes like what he did the last time.

"Sorry kasi umupo ako sa upuan mo nang walang paalam,"

Kimi akong ngumiti, "Ayos lang, wala namang kaso sa'kin 'yon,"

Reje's brows met.

"Kung wala pala, bakit hindi ka pumunta sa dagat no'ng isang araw pati kagabi?"

"Ah, 'yon ba ang inaalala mo?"

Tumango siya.

"Wala lang, gusto ko lang sulitin ang mga oras na na'ndito pa si mama. Huwag kang mag-alala dahil pupunta ako ro'n mamaya,"

"Talaga?"

"Oo naman! Kaya huwag ka nang mag-'sorry' diyan. Magkaibigan tayo, hindi ko kayang magalit sa'yo," malaki ang butas na ilong kong sabi. And to tell you frankly, I don't even know if he considers me as his friend. We just started off as strangers who meet and talk to one another every middle of the night—I don't know if you can call that friendship.

"Bakit hindi mo ako kinakausap kung gano'n?" muli siyang nagtanong.

I bitterly smiled, "Hindi mo rin naman kasi ako kinakausap."

Nilabanan ko ang muling pagtulo ng luha dahil hindi ko gustong ipakita ito sa kaniya. We fell in this deep silence while we're in the middle of the street and our neighbors are still watching. Hindi ko alam kung paano siya napunta rito sa kalye namin. His house is about half a kilometer away from us and about ten meter away from Ate Sofia's. Pero kahit kyuryuso kung bakit siya naririto, mas pinili kong manahimik na lang.

"O siya, una na 'ko, ah? Balik na 'ko sa bahay."

Reje nodded at me and let go of my wrist. Tinalikuran ko siya at sunod-sunod ang hakbang na naglakad pabalik sa bahay. When I reached the house, I ran towards our room and locked it. Nang makasigurong walang makakarinig sa malakas kong pag-iyak ay sinimulan ko nang umatungal.

I am not crying only because of my mom. I am also crying because Reje thought I was angry at him for sitting on my seat. And I am crying because I told him he's my friend when I just realized yesterday that he's more than that to me.

Nagsinungaling ako sa sarili ko. Sinaktan ko ang sarili ko.

I don't know how long I can keep this feeling of mine hidden—Heck, I'm even confused of what I really am feeling! But rest assured that these feelings wouldn't be a burden to anyone. Itatago ko ito sa abot ng aking makakaya.

Katulad ng sinabi ko kay Reje ay tumakas ulit ako sa bahay at pumunta sa dagat. Naabutan ko siyang nakaupo sa madalas kong inuupuan na ugat ng talisay. Imbis na lumapit agad ako sa kaniya ay pinagmasdan ko muna siya sa malayuan. Reje is becoming more and more manly to me. The more he's comforting me, the more he's making an effort to make me happy, the more I fall for him. At alam kong ako lang ang malulugi kung hahayaan ko pa ang sarili na mahulog sa kaniya. Una pa lang, sa larong ito, alam kong ako ang talo.

"Reje," agaw ko sa kaniyang pansin.

He looked at where the voice was coming and smiled at me. Tumayo siya at lumapit sa'kin, hinawakan ang aking kamay at iginaya ako sa aming madalas na pwesto.

A cold breeze passes, making me hug my shoulders. Reje sat on one of the roots before guiding me carefully to sit on his lap and later on, hugged me like a cocoon.

Ramdam ko ang mainit niyang dibdib at ang nakakapanghina niyang hininga na parang pinapaypayan ako bawat buga. The setting is too dark, yet peaceful.

Bumalik ang aking isip sa huling binilin sa'kin ni mama. Like she said, I also want her to climb up the stage to receive my medals. I also want our relatives to be proud of me because of my hard work. Hindi pa man ako sigurado at kahit medyo nakararamdam ng panghihina ng loob ay susubukan kong mag-aral nang mabuti. Hindi lang para sa aking pamilya, pati na rin sa aking sarili.

I stared at the sea and saw a 'roro' crossing its width. Just like the stars, it also shines the brightest because of its surrounding lights. Tinitigan ko ito nang matagal dahil pakiramdam ko ay sakay nito si Mama. I pray and hope that she'll have a safe ride to wherever destinations she'll go.

"Anong iniisip mo?" bigla ay nagtanong si Reje sa gitna ng katahimikan.

"I'm thinking about mom," saad ko, nahawa na pagiging ingleshiero niya.

"You miss her already?"

"I do,"

Ipinikit ko ang mata at mas inilapit ang sarili kay Reje. Thinking about it, it's only this time of the night where I can go this close to him. Pag umaga kasi ay ilap siya sa'kin.

"She probably misses you, too," he said to console me.

Tumango ako at hindi na nagsalita. I opened my eyes again when I remembered the last encounter with him and Ate Sofia. Naalala ko pa na inaya siya ni Ate Sofia na mag-aral sa bahay nila. I wonder if I could do that, too...?

"Reje,"

"Hmm?"

"Pwede bang turuan mo 'kong mag-aral?" I said in the lowest voice possible, and I'm surprised he actually heard me.

"Sure! I can tutor you if you want,"

My lips formed a smile when I heard what he said. I thought he wouldn't help me. But I guess I'm also special to him. Or that's just what I thought.

Pumasok ako no'ng sumapit ang lunes sa paaralan. Gano'n pa rin naman. Normal pa rin ang lahat. Ang kaibahan lang ngayon ay determinado akong matuto, makinig sa mga sinasabi ng mga guro.

I sat on my usual seat and was actually glad that Reje wasn't sitting on it. Habang wala pa ang mga guro, pati si Ate Sofia, ay pinaharap niya ang upuan sa'kin, inilapat ang kaniyang notebook sa aking lamesa at nagsimulang ituro sa'kin ang mga dapat kong malaman. All the while that he's teaching me, I just listened and absorbed his words even though there's a tiny percent of desire in me that just wants to stare at him. I keep thinking to myself that I need to stay away from Reje so I can save my heart. But instead of running away, I ran closer to him.

Wala akong ginawa sa mga sumunod na araw kung di ang mag-aral, sundin ang utos ng aking mga kamag-anak, mag-alaga ng mga kapatid, at makipag-usap kay Reje tuwing hating gabi.

Now that there's more addition in our family, I must admit that my responsibilities as the oldest also got plenty. Ako ang nagpapatulog kay Trisha tuwing gabi dahilan kung bakit ako laging napupuyat at nanghihina. Ako rin ang nakatoka sa pag timpla ng kaniyang gatas dahil namamasada si papa tuwing umaga. However, you can, in fact, still call me lucky because I have relatives that would cook us meals and take care of my younger sibling while I'm away. 'Yon nga lang ay binabawian naman nila 'ko sa pamamagitan ng pagbibigay ng mabibigat na trabaho sa'kin. I'm now officially the laundry girl of the whole Estillier Family. But despite all that, I still managed to study and be on top of our class with the help of Reje.

Yes, you read it right. Nasa ika-dalawang baitang ako ngayon ng may mga honoraria. Ate Sofia is the first, Reje and I fall second.

Labis na nagulat ang aking mga guro sa ipinakita kong galing. Maging ang aking mga kaklase ay nabigla rin. Some of them are happy because of my achievements but most of them aren't, including my cousin, Jessa.

"Nasa unahan niya kasi si Kuya Reje kaya siguro nakakakopya. Katabi niya rin si Ate Sofia kaya malamang sa kanila niya nakuha ang mga sagot niya," I heard her announce false information to our classmates.

Umiwas ako at pinigilan ang sarili na pumatol. I know in myself that I didn't do anything wrong. They're just provoking me so they can poke a hole in this hard work I built for months. Well, sad to say, I won't allow them.

Nagpatuloy ang pagiging honoraria ko hanggang sa umabot ang fourth grading. And I couldn't be more happy to tell you that I also ranked first. I'm in top one alongside Ate Sofia and Reje.

"Congratulations!" Reje greeted me and hugged me in front of our classmates and with Ate Sofia just by his side.

Ngumiti ako nang matamis at binaliwala ang narinig na singhapan ng aking mga kaklase. I hugged him back and equaled the hug he gave me. This is the very first time that the public saw us this close, and while the sun is still bright outside. Hmm, I can say that it felt good to be in the light.

"Thank you! Hindi ko ito magagawa kung hindi dahil sa'yo,"

Umiling si Reje, bumitiw sa pagkakayakap sa'kin, "You did it by your own, Sofia."

Malapad akong ngumiti sa kaniyang tinuran. Once again, I felt my heart jumping like it wanted to be out of my ribcage. Katulad ng aking puso ay gusto ko ring magtatalon sa tuwa. But I know I can't do that.

Bumaling ako sa taong nasa tabi lang ni Reje at nginitian siya,

"Congratulations!" I greeted Ate Sofia.

She smiled at me curtly and didn't say anything. Inignora ko naman ang ginawa niyang pagtrato sa'kin at hindi na ito binigyan ng pansin.

When I got home from school, my relatives would flock to me to tell their congratulations. And I happily said thank you to them.

"Joan, pwedeng mahiram muna ang telepono mo? Ite-text ko lang sana si mama para ibalita na makakaakyat na siya ng stage," I excitedly asked permission to my cousin.

"Walang load 'to, e. Paloadan mo na lang tapos balik mo rin agad sa'kin,"

Tumango ako at masayang kinuha sa kaniya ang hiniram na telepono. I borrowed twenty pesos from my dad's pocket, loaded Joan's sim and contacted mama.

Masayang-masaya ako habang nag ri-ring ang telepono. Minsan ko lang siyang makausap kaya nasasabik akong marinig muli ang kaniyang tinig. It's been so long since my mom left us here in the province. Sa sobrang haba ay hindi ko na namalayan na malapit na pala akong tumuntong sa grade five.

"Hello, ma?" I excitedly said when the line finally connected. "Uwi ka na po, nasa top one po ako ngayon. Makaaakyat na po kayo sa stage katulad ng gusto ni'yo!"

"Pasensya ka na, Sofia. Hindi makauuwi si mama. Pakisabi sa papa mo na hindi muna ako makakapagpadala,"

Just like that, my mom disconnected her phone from me. Nawala ang ngiti sa aking labi at hindi ito muling bumalik kahit no'ng dumating na ang araw ng recognition. It's like my effort of studying went to nothing. Kahit si papa ay wala rin dito para sabitan ako ng medalya.

"From grade four, section one, we have Ms. Sofia Grace Estillier, first honor,"

I started to walk towards the stage with a heavy heart when my name was called. Sobrang bigat ng aking mga paa, 'yong tipong hinihila ko ang mga ito para lang umabante at hindi tumigil sa paglalakad.

A teacher received the medal for me and hung it on my neck.

"Congratulations, iha," she said and guided my back to face the camera.

Ngumiti ako nang alanganin at pinilit pasayahin ang sarili. But no matter how I try to keep a smile on my face, I still keep on failing. Because it's not my classmates, teachers, neighbors, relatives or even Reje that I wanted to impress, it was my parents. And they're not here. I am by myself and was escorted by a teacher whom I didn't even know. I am alone on the day that I finally felt genuine success. But it didn't bring me happiness, at all.

;

VIII