I choose to skip classes today. Alex has already told my professors I'm sick and won't be in. Not that they care. College isn't like high school. You're not on their time. You're on your own. If you show up or not, it is entirely up to you. You already paid for the class so pass or fail... that's up to you.

I manage once again to get Alex out of the door on time. Although he grumbles, he tells me he forgives me the moment I make him a "real" omelet with ham and cheese, home fries, and coffee (robust and caffeinated for him). I figure I can make myself a cup of decaf later, but oh how I wish I could join him because, despite the sleep I got, I still feel sluggish.

So, I shove him out the door and clean up the dishes. Alex already took care of the sofa bed, so there isn't much else to do but crack open some books and do some schoolwork.

I really have to be certain not to let all this life drama cause me to fall behind. First, because I need to keep a 4.0-grade average so I don't lose my scholarship, and second, it's just too easy to fall behind. The work never stops coming, and I could soon become overwhelmed or downright buried.

I buckle down and get to it, so by lunch, I am ready for a break. I sit at the coffee table again to eat. How I wish I hadn't lost it last night. We were having such an enjoyable evening.

It was kind of cute seeing how Alex and William interacted before it got into the serious talk. I could tell by their stories they've known one another for a long time. It shocked me to discover that they had practically grown up together.

When I had asked the nagging question of why hadn't I met Alex sooner, seeing as I've known William for four years now, William's face changed. 

"It's nothing personal, Cat. Well, nothing personal against you. I just..." He looked away for a second and seemed almost embarrassed to voice his thoughts aloud.

Alex gave him a nod in my direction, in the way of encouragement to continue. William seemed so awkward, which was really strange for him. William is never afraid to tell you what he is thinking, even to the detriment of himself.

"You just..." I urged.

"I just didn't want to share you with anyone. I know that sounds strange and selfish, but you were the first person outside of Alex to treat me like a real person instead of..." He had used air quotes. "A gay guy."

"It's the reason I didn't offer to take you to the gayborhood with me or to hang out in the gay clubs. I didn't want our friendship turning into my being the token gay guy you can talk to your friends about. I wanted to be your friend, a proper friend."

I reached out and had taken his hand in mine. "I couldn't possibly ask for better," I told him, which solidified my feelings about telling him everything because that's what friends do. They don't lie or keep secrets from one another. They're there for one another, knowing when they are most needed.

After thinking back over the evening, it strikes me what a good friend Alex has become in such a short time. My gaze drifts to the bookshelf and realize his picture is missing. In fact, all the pictures of him have disappeared. I wonder if Alex had felt embarrassed having that many pictures of himself around the apartment when William came over and so he put them away?

My reminder for my appointment goes off on my phone, shaking me out of my revelry. I am nearly caught up on my work, so I am feeling pretty good about myself before heading out the door.

As always, I sit in the office and wait about 30 minutes before they call me. The nurse hands me a urine cup and tells me once it's filled to come back to the room where they will take my weight and blood pressure.

Nothing like being asked to pee on demand to make your bladder suddenly seize up and dry out like the Sahara Desert. Somehow I manage though and so go to the back room where she asks me to step up on the scale. I'm shocked to discover I've gained nearly 5 lbs since the last time I got weighed.

The nurse sees my face and laughs a little. "You better get used to that," she tells me, and I sit down for her to take my blood pressure. She pulls the cuff off. "A little high, but still within reason."

I am not surprised. Reality just keeps smacking me in the face. Everything is going to change, my body, my entire life. Nothing is ever going to be the same again.

"Cat? Cat, sweetie, you're in exam room 3." She walks me out to the hall. "Get undressed, put the gown on, opening in the front, and there's a blanket to put over your legs. The doctor will be with you shortly."

I go into the room in a bit of a daze. I dress in the paper gown, which I always hate. Nothing makes you feel more vulnerable than sitting way up high with your legs dangling between two metal stir-ups, wearing an open front paper gown with a paper blanket over your legs, while waiting for someone to examine you in probably the most intimate way a doctor could.

5lbs? My hand rests on my stomach. I still fit into my clothes. I don't feel different. My breasts are a little sore but outside of that I still feel like me, but it's all a lie. Ever since I'd seen the word pregnant on that screen, everything has changed.

Liam and I are over. I've moved out of my dorm. Moved in with some stranger..." I think about Alex and how wonderful he's been to me and immediately change my thought to..."I moved in with a friend. I'm missing school... gained 5lbs. And it's just going to keep coming.

I can't even picture myself pregnant. I look over at a poster on the wall of a pregnant woman talking about the benefits of nursing a baby. 

That will be me. I look down at my chest and just shake my head.

"I gotta get a grip on all this. There's too much to know." I feel like I'm walking into finals without having cracked open a book. Okay, I've done some research online, but I feel so unprepared.

There's a knock on the door. "Hey there, Cat. What brings you in today?"

My doctor walks in, opens his laptop, and puts down my file. He turns and looks at me and immediately reaches out and puts a hand on my knee. "It's okay."

I feel myself shaking my head no as the words scream in my head, "It's never going to be okay! Never again! I'm 20 years old and I'm going to be a mother! An unwed mother! This isn't how this is supposed to happen!"

He rolls his chair back to my file and then looks back at me. "Not planned?"

I look at him. "No."

He takes a deep breath. "Wanted?"

"By me... yes."

Dr. Devereaux knows about my entire sexual history. He knows I've only had one partner all this time. He nods his head in understanding. His brows furrow, and he looks back at his laptop. 

"I thought you were on the pill?"

"I was until the test told me I was pregnant."

He frowns. "Did you skip any days?"

"No."

"Have you been sick?"

"I feel a little queasy sometimes in the morning or when I smell certain foods, but outside of that..."

He's shaking his head at me. "No, I mean sick as in... have you been prescribed an antibiotic for a cold or the flu, that sort of thing?"

"No... I..." and then I realize. "My general practitioner prescribed me a sleeping pill. With the stress of school, I have been having trouble sleeping. Are you saying that is why my pill didn't work?"

He shrugs. "Possible. Some medications can influence how well birth control works, Felbatol, Trileptal, Luminal, Myoline, and Topamax can all affect the efficacy of birth control pills.

"Luminal... he prescribed me Luminal."

"Didn't the pharmacist go over the side effects and interactions when you picked up the medication?"

"I didn't pick it up. Liam did, and he left the bottle on the table but threw out the bag with all the information attached to it. I would normally have looked things up, but I've been so tired lately from lack of sleep that I just took them hoping finally to get some shuteye," I admit, with my head in my hands.

Liam's words echo in my brain, "So, that's it! After six years together you're going to throw us away for a ... a mistake?" It was a mistake, such a simple mistake, and now...

"I'm going to take a blood test just to confirm you really are pregnant," Dr. Devereux tells me. "Let's examine you and then I want to see you in my office before you leave."

My head shoots up. "You mean I may not be pregnant?"

He sighs. "It is a possibility, but only a blood test can tell us for sure. How do I explain this? If a pregnancy test says you're pregnant, there are no false positives, but the first three months are tricky, Cat. A pregnancy test can detect hCG levels very early on, but it can be a chemical pregnancy which occurs if the fertilized embryo cannot implant or grow for a wide variety of reasons. It can be an ectopic pregnancy where the embryo has implanted outside of the uterus, making it a non-viable pregnancy. However, in both cases, the hCG levels would be present. It could also be a miscarriage."

"When was your last cycle?"

"Uh... a month or so?"

All this was a lot to take in while he examined me. My emotions are on a roller coaster. Part of me wants to hold on to the hope that this is all a bad dream and the blood test will show I am not pregnant, then I immediately feel awful because it's like I'm saying I don't want this baby, which if I am pregnant, I definitely do... but thinking I could have been pregnant but somehow already lost the baby twists my heart in ways I can't even comprehend.

"Alright, Cat. We're done here. Get dressed. The nurse will draw your blood and I'll see you in my office."

"Okay." I dress, and the same nurse who weighed me takes my blood. 

"So, what are we hoping for?"

I take a second to realize she isn't asking if I'm hoping if I'm pregnant or not, but if I'm hoping for a girl or a boy. Another thought that hasn't occurred to me. "If I'm pregnant, I'll be happy just to have a healthy baby."

"That's the right answer. You'll do just fine as a mom."

"Thank you," I say, timidly. She gives me a wink as she leaves the room and I wander into Dr. Devereux's office. I have always loved all the family pictures he has around the room, and the bulletin board of all the babies he delivered that year.

I stand in front of the board looking at all those cute newborn faces and can't help but wonder what my baby may look like. Will it have my auburn hair or Liam's messy brown locks? Will the baby have my green eyes or Liam's hazel-colored eyes? Will it be a little girl or a little boy?

"Have a seat, Cat," Dr. Devereux says, as he comes into the room.

I take a chair across the desk from him. "Cat, if the test comes back positive, are you absolutely certain of your decision?"

"You mean about keeping the baby?" I ask. He nods. "Yes."

"Will you be continuing with school?"

"I don't see a reason, why not? Do you?"

"Well, it's a lot of stress to put on yourself, but only you can make that decision. However, staying in school will mean your insurance will cover the cost of the delivery."

"My insurance?"

"Well, you're covered under your parents' policy right now because you're in school. However, if you leave school, you'll lose your coverage."

"I hadn't thought of that." I am so tired of saying that about everything. Something I plan on fixing, and soon. Time to arm myself with a little more knowledge.

"Cat, I've been taking care of you for some time now. IF things get rough financially, I want you to let me know. You know I'm not in this for the money. We'll find a way to get things paid. It's more important to me you don't take shortcuts or forgo the proper care. Giving birth to a child is risky business any day of the week, let's not complicate it further, okay?"

"Does this wanting to cry every two seconds ever stop?" I ask, taking his proffered tissue from the box and dabbing at my eyes. "Thank you."

He chuckles. "Blame it on the hormones. Are you taking a prenatal vitamin?"

"Yes, I just bought them yesterday."

"I'm giving you a prescription for one. It will be much better for you. Some that you can get over the counter isn't worth the label they put on them."

He hands me the script.

Well, at least this will keep me from having to skulk around the vitamin aisle once a month. I can totally avoid a situation like I had with Jenny before. It is a minor victory, but I'll take it.

"Questions?"

"About a million and one."

He chuckles again. "Any I can answer?"

"When will I know the results of the blood test?"

"In about 2 days. I'll call you myself."

"If it's negative, what happens next?"

"Well, since you're not spotting and have skipped a cycle, we would need to do an ultrasound. If it is a matter of the embryo implanting itself somewhere it shouldn't, we would need to determine if we need a biopsy to remove it."

My stomach clenches at the thought. Moving on...

"And if it's positive?"

"We would still set you up with an ultrasound so we can start tracking the baby's growth."

"So, an ultrasound is the next step?"

"That's right."

"Anything else I should do or not do?"

"Well, I'll give you a packet of information to take home with you. The in's and out's and do's and don'ts, and FAQs will be covered in there and if you have any further questions, call me or leave a message and I promise to get back to you."

"So, you good?" he asks.

"I guess so. One thing at a time."

"Good girl." He gives me a hug goodbye before I leave his office.