Chapter 5: Don't delude yourself, you're not in control. 

My eyes stared into the cold mirror, searching for something redeeming as I watched just how ruined I'd quickly become. 

What was the appeal? What was it about taunting someone so terribly that others loved so much? I needed an answer more than anything. Wanted it desperately so that I could exact my revenge in some pitiful way. Other than dressing up as a scarred princess, I couldn't think of another harmless way, because even after everything, I found it too difficult to put others in the same situation they'd put me in.

'A flaw in my design.'

And an unnecessary one at that. 

Sometimes I wished that I was more savage. Instead, all I managed was whispering harsh words at the backs of my attackers after they'd left me stuttering from their ambush. Pathetic.

The bell sounded overhead. Two periods left. Just over an hour before I could escape for the rest of the day and count the time until I had to return and do it all over again. 

The cold spot on my back from the slice of ham was uncomfortable through the fabric of my dress. Hurrying down the hallway, I could still hear the chuckling as the Cafeteria emptied out and students made their way back to the classrooms. 

"I can handle it," I told myself. "I can make it through the rest of this shithole day without ending up the laughing stock of the entire school."

I was awarded that small peace as the last bell sounded and I did, in fact, escape from Madison high without any other incident. I stealthily called my Dad and asked that he get me again. Knowing that he would happily help from his speech that morning may have added to my own reassurance that he would come to get me, but I was still overjoyed when he agreed to. The only unfortunate thing about it was that I'd have to be alone for the next hour. 

I was sitting there for 45 minutes when the sun that had been shining away suddenly disappeared. It was too fast. Unnatural. A cloud would have gradually covered the sun, but the object had moved there without warning. 

Surprised, I turned around to see what it was. 

A tall figure stood behind me, looking down at me as his shape blocked out the rays of light. It took me a moment to really make out who it was, but I'd gotten used to the way he would stand with his finger tucked into the strap of his bag. 

Ryder. 

"Why're you still here?" He moved out of the way of the sun sending the quick flash of light directly into my eyes. 

I winced and squinted away from the glare of light. In my stained dress sitting desperately at the back section of a parking lot, I probably looked like the world's biggest loser. No friends. Nobody to hang out with, so I stayed at school until I didn't have a choice but to go back home. 

"I'm . . . I'm waiting for my Dad to come to get me." I answered and returned my eyes to the spot out on the field that they had been staring at. 

"Tell me something," Ryder began. "Do people around here care about who you are and what you want? Or do they kinda just push whatever expectations they have onto you and expect you to go with it?"

My head slowly turned back to him. Was he really initiating a conversation? The question itself held a lot of weight to it but I never expected someone like Ryder to ask me. All the dim fog that had been clouding my mind was chased away as I thought it through. "I guess." 

"Hmm." Ryder scoffed. "You said that but you don't really seem to have an opinion about it."

I stopped him. "What's with the sudden questions and conversation? Not that I'm complaining, I'm just asking and also, why are you still here?"

He threw his bag onto the ground next to me and sat down just inches away. My heart clenched. "Well, you're the only person here that I've talked to other than Aaliyah. And to be honest, there's no one else at this place after hours."

I chuckled. "Of course not. They're all hanging out with their friends. Plus, it's the first day back. No one's gonna stick around here once school let's out." The feeling of emptiness came rushing back in. The word friend igniting a painful flame that had already threatened to devour my insides. 

"Yeah, guess you're right." He looked around for a while before speaking again. "So, how come you don't drive?"

"I can . . . I'm just not allowed to right now."

"What'd you do? Crash the family car? Kill a cat?"

I sighed, "Nothing actually. I just told the truth." I paused, watching him consider my answer. I noticed then that there was a small tattoo on his earlobe. "What about you? Where's your Motorcycle?"

Ryder fiddled with his pocket until I saw a white box appear in the corner of my eye. "Not allowed to ride it to school."  He pulled the box open. They were cigarettes. The leather-wearing motorcycle enthusiast really did smoke. He pulled one out and stuck the edge of it between his lips before starting to fumble with the lighter. Seconds later, a white mist was being blown into the air.

Ryder leaned the box toward me, "Want one?" he asked. I shook my head. "Good. These things will kill you."

"So then, why do you do it?" 

"Death doesn't scare me."

His cool admission sounded lamer the longer I thought of it. "Hey, Ryder?" He lifted an eyebrow in response. "What happened in the Cafeteria? You know, that thing with Connor?"

"His name was Connor?" He asked playfully. "I thought it was Dick . .  ."

I couldn't help but laugh. "Yes, his name is Connor, but why'd you mess with him like that? You don't seem like the kind to get involved in unnecessary quarrels."

"Firstly, don't assume you know anything about me just because you've been stalking me for a few days. Second, you're right. I don't like unnecessary attention but he was being a douche." He dragged on the cigarette and blew out, filling the air with the toxic smoke once again. "Is he one of those people you were trying to avoid today?"

"May have been," I answered coolly trying to ignore the fact that he'd brought up my stalking.

"Stop trying to hide. It's easier to just endure the bullshit than to prolong the confrontations.  And to answer your earlier question, I'm here because I don't have a choice." Ryder stood abruptly, flicking the cigarette onto the ground and stepping on it. "I'll see you tomorrow, Allison."

That was it. He grabbed his bag and walked away. 

All the effort I was planning to put it had just become obsolete. Though, at the end of the day, I was still sitting by myself at the back end of the parking lot after hours. Not for much longer thankfully, as I heard my Dad's horn blow a few yards away. I hurried over to him as the car came to a halt.

"You seem chipper?" Dad commented through the window as I approached the car.

I smiled, "Maybe I am?" And maybe I was, I wasn't that sure yet, but I sure didn't feel as shitty as when I did an hour ago. 

"Since you're smiling I'll take that as a yes." He paused as I opened the passenger side door, "And then I'll leave the topic alone completely." 

He did and the smile didn't fade from my face until I got home and had to listen to my mother's tirade about how I'd definitely wasted money on a dress since it was already ruined. I took her insults lightly, though, nothing would kill my mood. 

That night I had lot's to write about in my diary, but I couldn't even bring myself to get anything down on the page. All I could do was replay my conversation with Ryder in my head. He was mysterious, but at the same time, he was so real. I mean, obviously he was real, he was a person, but the things he said didn't sound pretentious. 

 I figured that I would definitely be ignored until he even forgot I existed, but his intentions weren't along the forgetting path.

At 7:49 pm, I opened my laptop to check my student portal. Madison was trying something different this year. Instead of the traditional paper handouts with schedules, each student was given their own login with class information on a school server called the student portal. That way they could remotely access their schedules, homework and class assignments. 

It was a step in the right direction for a middle of nowhere town like Madison but it was taking some getting used to. After a few minutes, I had access to my own homeroom and the list of students in my class, as well as seating arrangements and first day assignments. There were none, thankfully, but I spotted something peculiar as I scrolled. Ryder's name was missing from the registry. 

Mom called me down for Dinner while I was fidgeting around with the webpage and I left the computer open on my bed. I heard the ding just as I headed out the door, but for fear of incurring her wrath, I ignored it. 

"Other than the ruined dress, how was your first day back?" Mom asked underhandedly throwing in another insult. 

I looked up at my Dad who appeared to shoot her a dirty look. 'My hero!' Then back over at Mom who caught the look and showed her own disdain quite publicly. "It was good. I definitely have no friends left and aside from the ruined dress, it seems that I can get through a day at school without being noticed."

My mother couldn't care less about the fact that I'd just told her I was an outcast and basically invisible to everyone around me. She smiled, "That's great to hear. Bed by ten and don't forget to lock your balcony door. I'll be leaving before you do in the morning and it's supposed to rain."

I nodded down at the corn on the cob in front of me. She had another early meeting with her friends from around town. Basically, housewives who had nothing better to do than to gossip about whoever wasn't in their exclusive clique. 

To be honest, I think my mother hated that I was no longer a part of the popular club like she was when she was in high school. Though I couldn't see why, being a part of the popular crowd came with too many responsibilities, like keeping heinous secrets about things that could ruin lives. 

I excused myself from the table once I was done with the generic dinner my mother had once again laid out and headed back up to my room. I hopped on my bed to continue looking through my student portal, but unfortunately, the battery had died. It wasn't much of a bother to me, I wanted to get to sleep and end the current day.

I clicked the lock on the balcony door, just like Mom asked. Closed the laptop and placed it back on my desk, and then slid under my black covers. Sleep came quickly as my excitement from the day's events died out. 

A/N 

Wow, I know it's been forever since I last updated, but I was taking part in the ONC and was really focused on my work. I'm happy it's over now and guess what, there's another update right after this one. Awesome. Anyway, thanks for reading and supporting me and other writers here on wattpad. Don't forget to vote and stay fly guys.