im like,, kinda in the middle of a bit of a breakdown rn so apologies if this is all over the place.

so like??? im rly fucked up over my hair?? like it's just hair. but this also isn't rly about my hair at all its just,, manifesting as my hair.

i spend way too much time psychoanalyzing myself (which is probably not healthy but i don't care) so here's a list of shit that's happening right now.

1. i don't know who the fuck i am!!! idk if you've ever questioned a giant part of your identity that you've always sort of just,, ignored,, (could be anything from religion to style to gender or sexuality - just something important to who you are) but it's not fucking fun. at all. i always kinda knew i was into girls since i was like,, 11 so that wasnt really a huge shock when i really admitted it. like yeah it took 6 fucking years to figure out, but that was more just about specifics. like i know i like girls but who else do i like? and how much? and how do i get around all this internalized multispecphobia (fancy talk for my dad kept saying bi people weren't valid and media always presents anyone as not straight in a same sex relationship or ignores their queerness and that really stuck with me)? like that shit was hard enough and i had at least some idea of what the fuck was going on. now though???? gender??? like fuck! this shit is confusing!! and my internalized transphobia and enbyphobia is way fucking worse than my other internalized shit. like i fucking know people are valid and i fucking support and accept and respect people for who they are. i used to watch someone youtubers who did not rly,, do the same thing tho and that really stuck with me for a long time and i still have a lot of trouble with it.

2. im 17. im growing up and i basically missed my entire childhood. i didn't have friends until i was 14 or 15. i never went to parties or fucking failed a test or even like fucking flirted with someone. maybe it's not a real idea of what being a kid or a teenager is, but i feel like i didn't get it. i went online bc i was basically trying to fake that whole experience. and i don't regret it and im happy i did it and like,, i don't think what i wanted would have happened either way but i still feel like i missed something i should have had. ive always always always wanted to act. since i was a little kid. and if i were in school, id just join fucking theater!! but i didn't get that. i just spent most of my life avoiding theater and certain kinds of music bc it makes me cry. like maybe it's dumb but that just kinda like,, represents how i feel about my whole fucking childhood.

so i don't fucking know what to do. my options right now (as i see them) are as follows:

1. get my hair cut at a salon. while this might seem like the best choice, there's a few reasons why i don't really like it. first of all, there is still a pandemic and a haircut isn't exactly the safest thing to do right now. my parents keep saying it's fine but i absolutely do not believe them bc i think they just don't want me to do it myself and it's completely different than everything else they've been saying for the past 4 fucking months. second of all, i don't trust a salon to cut my hair the way i want it. if i don't even know what i want how can i expect someone else to do it. plus like they've fucking never cut my hair the way i want it, and im way too nervous to tell them to change something. there's a reason i cut my own bangs and attempted to just cut my own hair. third of all, haircuts are fucking expensive and i feel guilty as fuck when people spend money on me.

2. cut it myself. ill probably fuck it up but like,, isn't that half the fun. plus i have control issues (might have guessed that lol). but also like i don't want to fuck it up. it's more fun tho. i still don't actually know what i want though, and while that seems marginally easier to achieve doing it myself not by much. and ill probably fuck it up. i have to keep saying that or ill convince myself it's a great idea. also that's an option my parents won't like. 

3. shave it off. pros: the hair is gone and i don't have to make any decisions. cons: might actually manage to make me look more feminine and also might regret it. it will grow though. my family also really doesn't like this one. still lowkey my favorite, mostly bc the idea of not making decisions and knowing basically exactly what it will look like is very very appealing to me. i do everything so my family will like me tho so maybe not.

4. just fucking leave it. don't touch it. keep growing out my stupid fucking bangs. never touch it. this one is nice because it involves no change (change is scary) and also no decisions. at all. completely decision free. it's also my families favorite. i do fucking hate my hair though. but it's easier to hate what i have then change it and maybe miss this.

maybe im making too big a deal of this and i should just shave it off.

god what if i regret it though.

i don't know. that's all. i just needed to vent abt shit. if u have any advice feel free to share but if not that's ok too and cat pictures are always an acceptable way of showing u care <3. im sorry that i tend to not be online as much when i don't feel great but i love u guys even when im not talking to u as much. i tend to sleep more too when i feel like this anyway - like last night i went to bed at 9 and it's midnight rn but ill probably go to sleep soon.

that's all sorry it's so long. 

also i didn't read this over a t a l l so im rly sorry if it makes no fucking sense just ignore the typos and ask for clarification lol