"May your Easter be as festive and colourful as a legal gay wedding."
– Unknown

Date: April 16th, 2017

Occasion: Easter

Country: Worldwide

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IV | As Mad as a March Hare

Scene I. England. Sophisticated wedding.

Alice taps her feet on the pavement as wedding guests bustle around her. Some pause to compliment her periwinkle dress or golden locks, pinned up with an ornate clip which sparkles in the sunlight. Alice hardly listens to them. Her aunt's wedding does not interest her, though it would not have bode her well to skip the attendance altogether.

Her mother swishes by and notices her disinterested expression.

MOTHER
Alice, dear, don't look so peevish. Your aunt's wedding day should not be disgraced by your ignorance of social standards. There are unwritten rules for these events!

ALICE
Mother, I'm just daydreaming. There's no rule against that, is there?

Her mother shifts uncomfortably as she attempts to cook up an argument, before relenting. She switches gears and begins brushing specks of dirt off Alice's attire.

MOTHER
Look at the state of you! Have you been frolicking in the pig pen? We must get you cleaned up.

ALICE
Mother, my dress isn't dirty in the slightest. I've been seated in this exact spot for almost an hour with nothing to do. I wish there was entertainment.

MOTHER
The romantic atmosphere and edibles are enough, are they not?

ALICE
The food certainly so. However, these sausage rolls taste rather funny.

MOTHER
Do they? I must let the chefs know immediately. Excuse me.

Her mother hurries off. Alice soon loses sight of her figure within the crowd. Little does she know, there is nothing wrong with the sausage rolls. It was simply an excuse to escape her mother's constant clucking. Alice chuckles to herself and settles back in her wooden chair.

ALICE
I can't believe she was fooled by that. She'll be fussing about those rolls for hours!

However, Alice only soaks up a second of solitude before she is interrupted once again. Her aunt hurries by, dressed in a simple lilac shift, and makes a beeline towards Alice. Her expression is agitated. She sends a glance towards a nearby group of children.

AUNT
Darling Alice!

ALICE
Hello there, are you alright? You seem flustered.

AUNT
I'm in a bit of a spot at the moment, to be frank. I was meaning to hide chocolate eggs around here for the children to find. They're uninterested in my wedding, especially since it's Easter Day and they're only interested in confectionary. Unfortunately, I've been having issues with the florist too, so I've forgotten to hide the eggs!

ALICE
Oh dear, that's no good.

AUNT
If you wouldn't mind, could you please do me a favour and hide the eggs? I'm scheduled to have my hair and makeup done shortly, so I simply won't have the time.

ALICE
Of course, it would be my pleasure.

Alice says this through a fake smile, for she cannot think of anything less interesting to do. However, it gives her a chance to stretch her legs, so she takes the opportunity anyway.

AUNT
I must go! I don't want my fiancé to see me until I walk down the aisle. Thank you for your help, dear. It shouldn't take long. Just don't get into any trouble on the way.

ALICE
You know I never intend to.

AUNT
Alright, I'm off. Tell your mother I say hello!

ALICE
I'll make sure to do so.

Her aunt leaves a plentiful basket of woven fibres at Alice's feet. She picks it up and inspects the chocolate eggs, which are filled to the brim of the basket. Glancing around to make sure no one is watching, Alice unwraps an egg and swiftly pops it into her mouth. She slides the foil under a bowl without missing a beat and stands up to stretch.

ALICE
These chocolates are delightful! I wish I could keep them for myself.

Just then, two peculiar round blobs perk up of their own accord. Upon closer inspection, Alice realises that they are not simply blobs, but the fluffy ears of the White Rabbit. Alice starts in surprise, before catching herself.

ALICE
What on Earth is he doing here?

Rather than hurry towards him instantly and drawing attention to them both, she inches forward and swipes a cupcake from the nearest stand to appear less conspicuous. She shuffles forward and dares to glance again to make sure, but there is no mistaking the waistcoat and quivering spectacles.

The white rabbit hops behind a neatly trimmed hedge, where only the tips of his ears are visible once again. His agitation is as prominent as ever, even from a far distance. Alice sneaks towards the rabbit, who is muttering nonsense under his breath.

WHITE RABBIT
Come on, then! We'll be late soon.

ALICE
Are you speaking to me?

WHITE RABBIT
Of course I am! Anyone else would be frightened to death at the sight of a talking rabbit, but you are not, so I assume you are Alice. No need for dilly-dally. Shall we go?

ALICE
Where are we going?

WHITE RABBIT
The Mad Hatter sent out an invite to you, did he not? Well, perhaps not. That would be why he sent me instead. Silly me, I'm such a scatterbrain. My age makes me forgetful.

ALICE
Hatter sent you to fetch me? What for?

WHITE RABBIT
For his annual Easter tea party! Why, I thought you knew that. Everyone in Wonderland knows about it, but it's invite only. We don't want a repeat of last Easter.

ALICE
What happened last–?

WHITE RABBIT
No matter! Let us go before we are late.

ALICE
Wait! Let me finish a task first.

The white rabbit spares a nervous glance at his pocket watch and jumps when he sees the time. His knees knock together and his pitchy voice quivers more than ever before.

WHITE RABBIT
Alice, my dear, we must leave at once! We simply cannot be late.

ALICE
I have a favour to fulfil for this wedding. This basket is full of Easter eggs, you see? I must hide them among this garden for the children to find. If I do not, my aunt and the children will be so disappointed. I don't want to be responsible for ruining the Easter spirit.

WHITE RABBIT
Oh, dear. Dear, dear, dear.

The white rabbit hops from one foot to the other in his usual jumpy manner, but in deep thought. Alice grows impatient soon and is about to ask him for a solution, but he beats her to it. With an unusual spurt of confidence, he snatches up the basket, grabs an egg, and tucks it in the arms of a nearby garden gnome. Alice watches, bewildered.

ALICE
What are you doing?

WHITE RABBIT
My services are required elsewhere. No matter. Off to the tea party you go!

He leaps away and buries two more chocolate eggs under the hedge. Although Alice is tempted to stay and help, her curiosity of the Hatter's Wonderland tea party overpowers the urge. She brushes the slick green leaves of the nearby hedge aside, before popping into the same rabbit hole which she had travelled down many years before.

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Scene II. Wonderland. Down the rabbit hole.

Down the rabbit hole Alice travels, tumbling past chequered objects and other bits and bobs. She reaches out her hand to touch a shimmery substance, but recoils when an ice cold sensation travels up her nerves. She retreats into her own thoughts after that.

ALICE
I wonder how many chocolate eggs the White Rabbit has hidden?

Although the objects tumbling alongside her have a beautiful antiqueness to them, she wishes she went through the looking glass instead. Much less danger involved, even if it does take her to an alternate universe.

ALICE
Perhaps the wedding guests won't even notice I'm gone.

A wardrobe hurtles past on her left. A streetlamp on her right.

ALICE
I wonder how Dinah is holding up. Did I feed her breakfast this morning? Surely I did. Anyhow, if it slipped my mind, cats usually have some way of finding food without humans doing the work for them.

Although Alice is calmer this time, since she knows what will be at the bottom, the amount of time she had been traveling in freefall is disorienting nonetheless. A human sensation. She wonders if the creatures of Wonderland feel things the same way humans do.

ALICE
Is that the bottom?

It must be, for Alice has been travelling downwards for so long that her cheeks are beginning to sting from the cool air. Before she can utter another word, she tumbles onto a pile of crisp leaves. She plucks a twig out of her dishevelled hair before striding towards the table with the golden key. She inserts the key in the lock behind a thick curtain.

The door opens to reveal a path made of colourful confectionary. It reminds Alice of a board game she used to play with her parents. What was the name? Oh yes, Candyland. She expects gingerbread men to come marching towards her any moment now.

ALICE
That was quick! The Hatter must have sent an express route for me. No more shrinking and growing this time, thank heavens.

She hurries along the path, but not without plucking a couple of sugary leaves from the nearest tree and popping them into her mouth. Her tongue twinkles with the taste of tangy lime juice. Unable to conceal a smile, Alice breaks out into a joyous skip as she embraces the vibrant Wonderland which she fell in love with eons ago.

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Scene III. Wonderland. The Mad Hatter's tea party.

Alice emerges from the most sugary clump of bushes she has ever encountered. There, she greets a familiar tea party under the partial shade of a tree. The Mad Hatter perches on the edge of a chair, fumbling a needle as he sews a colourful hat. The March Hare spreads butter on his bread. The Dormouse sits between them, fast asleep.

Alice approaches the gathering and greets the trio with a warm smile.

ALICE
Hello!

She speaks only an inch away from the Mad Hatter's ear. This causes him to throw the needle and hat in the air in surprise. The needle splashes into a bowl of strawberry lemonade, while the hat lands perfectly on the head of the snoring Dormouse.

The Mad Hatter spins around and almost falls off his chair at the sight of Alice.

HATTER
Alice! Is that you?

She grins at his bewildered expression.

ALICE
In the flesh.

HATTER
Well, that's overly descriptive, if you ask me.

The March Hare glances up from his careful buttering of bread.

MARCH HARE
Nobody asked you, Hatter.

He sees Alice and nods in acknowledgement. Alice nods back, knowing that the March Hare does not show any form of affection towards her. In fact, he greatly enjoyed frustrating Alice when she first arrived in Wonderland and does not care for her now. A nod of acknowledgement is the highest form of respect she receives from him.

ALICE
Also, it's a common English expression.

HATTER
Yes, but I am not one of those pompous Englishmen with their impeccable grammar and perfect sense of dress. Colour coordination is of no importance in Wonderland! No importance at all!

ALICE
That's quite right.

MARCH HARE
I don't know how those people can stand being so ordinary.

ALICE
Many are only content when there is no ounce of spontaneity during their day. People are unhappy when things don't go as planned. They want to use their time wisely.

The March Hare grows increasingly exasperated at every word Alice utters.

MARCH HARE
It's Time with a capital T! Also, he can keep the clock stationary for as long as he wants. I don't see why the humans cannot simply bargain with him for more time.

ALICE
Don't give him any ideas. Besides, Time doesn't interfere with the human world. Most of us are not even aware of his existence. He keeps himself hidden away so often.

The March Hare opens his mouth to retaliate. However, he is cut off by the Mad Hatter, who had not been paying attention to their increasingly heated debate. As a matter of fact, he had been gazing off into the far distance at a clump of red and white mushrooms.

HATTER
What's the time?

ALICE
Half past one.

Hatter shakes his head impatiently.

HATTER
Not the hours and minutes time! The day of the month time.

The March Hare pulls out his funny watch and brushes a few breadcrumbs off it. Alice reads the date from afar. Unlike watches manufactured in the human world, the March Hare's watch only reads the day of the month, not the o'clock of the day.

MARCH HARE
Today is the sixteenth of April.

HATTER
Easter Day already?

The Mad Hatter turns eagerly to Alice.

HATTER
How many Easter eggs can you put in an empty basket?

ALICE
Oh, another riddle of yours? I'm sure I can figure it out.

MARCH HARE
Why figure it out when you can just say the answer?

ALICE
We do not know the answer to questions unless we go through the process of figuring it out. There are always steps that lead to the answer. Unless, of course, I memorise the answer, which I believe is a rather rubbish method of answering questions.

MARCH HARE
Why? Does memorising not give you an advantage to answering the question?

ALICE
It does, but I would not learn from it, so what would be the point?

HATTER
The point? Why should there be a point? Isn't it more fun to go round in circles and loop-de-loops, rather than a straight line from A to B, or rather, from A to Z?

ALICE
That wasn't my point, Hatter.

HATTER
Aha! There she goes again, with her silly points. Points do not belong at a tea party, Alice! Now now, what is the answer?

ALICE
How many Easter eggs can you put in an empty basket?

HATTER
Not me, my dear. You!

ALICE
Yes, that was what I meant.

MARCH HARE
Then you should say what you mean, and mean what you say!

ALICE
Yes, but I– oh, never mind. I'll just answer the riddle.

Alice taps her fingernails against the tablecloth in thought.

ALICE
I could fill the basket up to the brim until eggs begin falling out and the basket cannot hold any more. That would be a logical explanation. However, if I put a single egg in the basket, it would no longer be empty. The answer is one egg. Am I correct?

HATTER
I do not know.

ALICE
How can you not know?

HATTER
I have not told this riddle in so long that I have forgotten the answer! Whoops-a-daisy!

ALICE
Then what was the point of asking the riddle?

MARCH HARE
What is the point of anything?

ALICE
Some things are more meaningful than others. A riddle with no answer is low on the list.

HATTER
What list?

ALICE
The list of meaningful things.

MARCH HARE
Who makes the list?

ALICE
Everyone makes their own.

MARCH HARE
Then how can you agree on one meaningful thing? Someone may believe a riddle with no answer is of importance, while another may not. One person cannot decide for everyone.

Alice fails to argue this logic, knowing that the March Hare could argue with her for hours, which would be a waste of time. She turns to the Mad Hatter and changes the subject.

ALICE
Are there other guests yet to arrive?

The Mad Hatter frowns in bewilderment.

HATTER
Guests? What for?

ALICE
For your annual Easter tea party, of course. You sent me an invite a mere hour ago. The White Rabbit delivered it to me at my aunt's wedding. Don't you remember?

HATTER
I'm not sure. My mind is blurry.

ALICE
Are you sure you're not falling ill?

Hatter shakes his head in adamant denial, before rubbing his eyes rather forcefully and glancing up with a bright grin.

HATTER
Of course not! Shall we commence the tea party?

The Mad Hatter glances around the table with an expert eye. Alice follows his gaze and sees tiny tea sandwiches sliced into neat triangles, which are stacked on tiered silver platter. Beside them sits a plate of cupcakes and a bowl of silvery edible mushrooms. The Hatter tuts and leaps up from his seat to rearrange the bowls.

Alice plucks from edible goods from the surrounding trees and bushes, from sugary gumdrops growing on trees to liquorice vines hanging between them. The March Hare pours some aromatic tea into four tiny porcelain teacups.

MARCH HARE
Fancy some tea?

ALICE
Tea would be splendid. I don't usually drink much tea on Easter.

MARCH HARE
You should always drink tea at a tea party.

The Mad Hatter and the March Hare hum the unbirthday song under their breath. It occurs to Alice that they may not know much about Easter. It is unlikely that anyone in Wonderland knows much about those sorts of holidays, now that she thinks about it.

ALICE
I wonder where the name of Easter comes from?

The March Hare glances up curiously. Alice hides a smile.

MARCH HARE
I wonder the same.

ALICE
I heard that it was derived from the name Eostre, who was the Anglo-Saxon goddess of spring. The month of April was dedicated to her, you see. Apparently, it can also be traced to the Latin term hebdomada alba.

MARCH HARE
Fascinating! Does this Eostre enjoy tea parties?

ALICE
I've never asked.

MARCH HARE
Shall we invite her to this one, Hatter?

HATTER
I don't see why not!

ALICE
How can you see anything past that gigantic hat?

The Mad Hatter looks slightly affronted at this. Meanwhile, the colourful hat on the head of the Dormouse shifts into a lopsided position as it snuffles in its sleep. Alice watches interestedly as it twitches his nose. A moment later, its eyes flutter open.

DORMOUSE
No room, no room, no room!

MARCH HARE
There's plenty of room, you dolt!

ALICE
Old habits die hard, I see.

HATTER
Dormouse, do you have any stories to tell?

The dormouse perks up from its sleepy slumber at the mention of a story.

DORMOUSE
What story would you like?

ALICE
A story about Easter, please.

The dormouse glances around and blearily peers at Alice, having just noticed her presence. She smiles faintly at it and it nods in return before beginning its story.

DORMOUSE
Once upon a time, there was a nice fellow. What was his name? Oh yes, Jesus Christ, I believe they call him. He was crucified and later resurrected.

MARCH HARE
What is this crucified you speak of?

ALICE
Never mind. Go on, Dormouse.

DORMOUSE
The celebration of Easter revolves around that fellow's resurrection.

ALICE
Is that the end of the story?

DORMOUSE
Indeed. Would you like to hear another?

ALICE
Well, the first one wasn't very interesting!

The Dormouse is taken aback. Alice feels guilty for insulting it.

DORMOUSE
I beg your pardon?

ALICE
Never mind, it must be my hunger talking.

HATTER
Oh, I didn't even think of that! You must be starving! Here, have a rock.

The Mad Hatter offers a plate of rocks, grey and lumpy and rather unappealing. Alice looks at them skeptically, but remembers that the tree leaves contain lime juice and the fruit are gumdrops, so she might as well give the rocks a try. She takes a small one and bites into it. The grey turns out to be a crunchy coat, the inside melted chocolate.

ALICE
These are delicious!

The March Hare looks pleased.

MARCH HARE
Thank you! I harvested them myself.

ALICE
But why would you harvest rocks? Don't you just collect them from the ground?

The March Hare looks horrified at her ignorance and prepares to launch into a long-winded explanation about rock harvesting. However, the Dormouse begins its story before he can even open his mouth. Affronted, the March Hare sits in a stony silence.

DORMOUSE
Once upon a time, there was a goddess named Ostara. She was guilty about arriving late one spring, so she saved the life of a bird whose wings had been frozen by snow.

ALICE
Oh no! How did the bird survive without flying?

DORMOUSE
Yes yes, I'm getting to that. Ostara made the bird her pet. She felt compassion for him since he was no longer able to fly. She turned him into a hare which could run at incredible speeds, so he could outrun hunters.

ALICE
Why did she choose a hare in particular?

DORMOUSE
How should I know? I'm not one of those– those– his– histo–

ALICE
Historians?

DORMOUSE
Yes, those. Anyhow, in remembrance of the hare once being a bird, Ostara allowed the hare to lay eggs once a year. The eggs were all the colours of the rainbow. Later, Ostara was angry at the hare, so she cast him into the sky as the constellation Lepus. He was allowed to return to Earth once a year, but only to give away his eggs to children.

ALICE
Was that when the legend of the Easter bunny began?

DORMOUSE
Indeed it was. The end.

ALICE
That was a much more interesting story! You told it well. Did you learn it in Wonderland? Is there a school here?

DORMOUSE
Of course not! I picked it up from those funny – what d'you call 'ems?

HATTER
Shrooms?

MARCH HARE
Cats?

ALICE
Humans?

DORMOUSE
That's it! Humans.

ALICE
But how did you contact the humans? Have you ever left Wonderland?

The Dormouse does not answer.

ALICE
Dormouse? Dormouse?

But the Dormouse has already fallen asleep.

HATTER
Ah yes, he does that quite often! There's no point waking him again, I'm afraid. Would you like some tea, Alice?

Alice gently tries to shake the Dormouse awake, but to no avail, like the Mad Hatter said. She gives up and moves onto the food, which the Mad Hatter had been preparing while the Dormouse was telling its story. Alice grabs a sandwich and takes a bite.

The March Hare's temper has subsided by now, and he offers her a cup of tea. She accepts it with a smile. The Hatter nibbles the end of a cinnamon stick. The Dormouse munches on a cookie in his sleep. The March Hare gnaws on a chocolate rock. Twinkling music plays around them, but Alice is too famished to find the source, so she eats and eats and eats until all the food is gone.

ALICE
That was a lovely feast!

MARCH HARE
Yes, but it's time for you to go back home.

HATTER
Oh, I can take you home!

ALICE
I can find my way back alone, if need be.

HATTER
No, no, no! You'll never get there by yourself. Come, dear Alice! I shall send you off.

The Mad Hatter links arms with Alice and the two skip off. Alice says a hasty goodbye to the March Hare and the Dormouse. The Mad Hatter leads Alice through bushes and bushes of sparkling leaves and chocolate pebbles. She stops occasionally to marvel at the Easter Wonderland, amazed that her childhood dream has become a reality.

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Scene IV. Wonderland. Behind the looking glass.

The Mad Hatter escorts Alice through a maze-like area. At first, she tries to keep track of the twists and turns, but eventually gives up and simply counts the number of stitches on his hat. This does not prove an easy task either, so she is glad when they finally arrive at their destination. That is, until Alice glances up to see the looking glass and recoils.

The Mad Hatter frowns at Alice.

HATTER
Something bothering you?

ALICE
Isn't that the looking glass?

The Mad Hatter quirks an eyebrow. Alice wonders why he is not reacting like she is. The last time she went through a looking glass, she was insulted by flowers, criticised by Humpty Dumpty, and the banquet in honor of Alice dissolved into chaos. It was not a pleasant experience, to say the least.

HATTER
Indeed it is.

ALICE
I thought it was one-way. Last time I went through the looking glass, it was from the human world to Wonderland.

HATTER
How did you go back?

ALICE
I woke up, as if it was all a dream. That's why I thought this was a one-way mirror.

HATTER
Well, the mirror changes, depending on which way you look at it.

ALICE
What do you mean?

HATTER
From one angle, you see a dusty cobweb in the left corner. From another, you see mice scurrying around and nibbling cheese. From yet another, you see the human world.

ALICE
I don't see that.

HATTER
Oh dear Alice, you are losing your sight! Quick, I must take you to the White Queen–

ALICE
No, I see your first two points. I just don't see your third. How can I see my world through a mirror? Shouldn't that be classified as a window? Besides, the looking glass would take me to an alternate version of the human world, would it not? I don't want that!

HATTER
My dear, why should we classify anything as anything? Take a look again. You may not be looking hard enough.

Alice looks at him skeptically.

ALICE
Alright, if it humors you.

Alice leans towards the looking glass and gazes into it with the most concentrated stare she can muster. However, only her reflection stares back, forehead creased with worry lines and eyes as blue as ever. After a few minutes, Alice grows impatient, and just as she is about to turn back to Hatter, she notices a ripple in the mirror, like a wave. She starts.

ALICE
Hatter! Did you see that?

HATTER
See what?

ALICE
The mirror! It– It–

Hatter looks delighted.

HATTER
You see your world? Splendid! Now, lean closer.

Alice obeys him and leans towards the mirror, where she can now make out pastel figures, similar to the ones she was surrounded by this very morning. The closer she leans, the clearer the figures. Children run around the wedding, each carrying baskets packed with chocolate eggs. The White Rabbit calibrates his watch under the canopy of a tree.

HATTER
Closer, Alice, even closer than that!

ALICE
If I lean any closer, my nose is going to touch the– woah!

Alice tumbles into the mirror the moment her nose meets the pristine surface. She cries out and tries to grab the sides of the mirror to steady herself, but it is too late, for she has already fallen into the looking glass and feels herself floating up, up, upwards. Alice faintly hears the last words of the Mad Hatter as she leaves Wonderland behind.

HATTER
Goodbye, Alice! Hehehe!

The words echo around Alice as she spirals through pitch darkness, towards the human world which she had come from. She wonders how many hours has passed. Maybe there is time to participate in the Easter egg hunt.

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Scene V. England. Back at the Wedding.

Alice tumbles out of the rabbit hole which she had jumped into hours ago. She quickly stands up and brushes herself off, before striding towards the table where she had been seated originally. Just as she sits down, her aunt comes rushing towards her, this time in full wedding attire and a newly wed husband on her arm. Both are beaming.

AUNT
Alice! The children loved the egg hunt. I can't thank you enough!

Alice opens her mouth to respond, but catches a glimpse of the White Rabbit hopping away from the tree with his eyeglass askew. Alice returns her gaze to the bride. Just as she does this, Alice's mother joins them, bearing a wide smile. Alice can tell that none of them even noticed she was gone, but she was oddly content with that.

MOTHER
Are you talking about the Easter egg hunt? Oh, it was a real treat for the children. They loved it! You outdid yourself this time, Alice.

ALICE
Oh, I can't take all the credit. I had help.

AUNT
Really? From whom?

The White Rabbit pops into the rabbit hole, clutching a miniature easter egg in one hand and gripping his pocket watch in the other. An empty basket appeared to have been absentmindedly tossed near the hedge.

Alice catches the White Rabbit's eye and mouths a grateful thanks as he disappears.

ALICE
Oh, a friend. He came to the wedding to say a brief hello, but he had to hop away soon after. He was late for a tea party elsewhere, you see, so he simply couldn't say.

Her mother and aunt exchange skeptical glances.

MOTHER
Is he one of your imaginary friends?

ALICE
Of course he is, mother. Don't you worry. Happy Easter, everyone!

Although her mother and aunt would never understand, Alice knows that beyond the land of logic and reason lies a world of sugar flowers and daily tea parties. That is where a Mad Hatter, a March Hare, and a Dormouse sit, with their endlessly confusing logic and strange tea party treats, having an Easter celebration of her own.

EVERYONE
Happy Easter, Alice!

Exeunt.