"Cinco de Mayo has come to represent a celebration of the contributions that Mexican Americans and all Hispanics have made to America." – Joe Baca

Date: May 5th, 2017

Occasion: Cinco de Mayo

Country: Parts of Mexico and the United States

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XII | Cinco de Mayonnaise

Scene I. Puebla. Fancy hotel.

Enter JESSALYN and CHASE, half-Mexican and half-American twins who are on a family vacation with their parents to celebrate Cinco de Mayo in Mexico. Jessalyn is asleep but is abruptly woken up by Chase tripping over a suitcase.

JESSALYN
Chase, it's four o'clock in the morning! Why are you up?

CHASE
I was just getting up to pee, but–

JESSALYN
Oh, forget it. Just go back to bed!

Jessalyn buries her head in her pillow and tries to block out Chase's voice, as he pokes her with various pointy objects like pencils and his finger.

CHASE
Why does the song Pillow Talk have nothing to do with pillows?

JESSALYN
You're seriously asking me this at four in the morning?

CHASE
What? I want to know!

Jessalyn sighs deeply, but decides to answer Chase's question in an attempt to make him go away, so she can sleep peacefully for the day ahead.

JESSALYN
I don't know, aren't the sexual innuendos in the song enough?

CHASE
What innuendos?

JESSALYN
I think the whole we'll go slow and in high tempo part says enough.

Chase frowns and pauses for a second, head cocked to the side as he thinks hard about what his sister means. The attempt proves completely futile.

CHASE
What do you mean?

JESSALYN
Fuck, I give up.

CHASE
Now that sounds kinda dirty.

JESSALYN
Chase!

CHASE
I really need to pee.

JESSALYN
Then go pee, you dweeb!

CHASE
Okay. Bathroom, here I come!

Chase exits scene and heads to the bathroom, while Jessalyn buries her head in a pillow, wondering how she could have ended up with such an irritating twin. Why couldn't she ever have nice things?

JESSALYN
Whichever higher power is up there, I beg you to let this pillow suffocate me within the next couple of minutes. Thanks a bunch. Bye.

Exit Jessalyn and Chase.

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Scene II. The Morning. Same fancy hotel.

Enter Jessalyn and her FATHER, who is the fully Mexican one of the family. She stomps into the mini-kitchen in their hotel room where her father is sipping a hot cup of coffee, making him jump and pour coffee all over his lap.

FATHER
Aw, come on! I just bought these pants two days ago! Can't anyone walk into a room in a civil manner these days?

JESSALYN
Daaaaadddddd!

FATHER
Yes, insolent child who made me spill my coffee?

Her father accepts a few paper towels from Jessalyn, who seats herself beside him and takes a deep breath to begin her rant.

FATHER
Wait, let me guess. Chase was being an excitable idiot and asking you about the meaning of song lyrics while simultaneously trying not to pee himself.

JESSALYN
How did you– wait, you heard us last night, didn't you?

FATHER
I'm fairly certain that some penguins could hear you from all the way in Antarctica.

Jessalyn groans loudly and flops forward onto the counter, burying her head in her arms. Her father awkwardly pats her on the head. Even though he is raising a pair of teenaged kids, he has no idea how to deal with teenage angst.

FATHER
You know, your mother and I brought you two along so you might get along for once while we celebrate Cinco de Mayo, not listen to you argue until we want to smash a piñata.

JESSALYN
Ooh, can I smash a piñata? Preferably using Chase as the bat?

FATHER
No, dear. That's animal abuse.

Jessalyn and her father shout gleefully in unison and slap a high five just as Chase enters the room, bleary-eyed and emitting a monstrous yawn.

CHASE
Ow! Jesus Christ, can you make my ears bleed some time other than the early morning?

Jessalyn puts her hand on her hips indignantly while Chase glares at them both. Their father grabs a bag of popcorn from the nearby counter, shovels five pieces at a time in his mouth, and sits back to watch the show that ensues.

JESSALYN
You're the one complaining about noise? Who kept me up half the night, teaching a certain twin about the sexual innuendos a former boy band member has in his songs?

CHASE
I don't know, Yoda?

JESSALYN
Replace that da with a u and you've got your answer.

CHASE
Manners, sister dearest.

JESSALYN
I'll tell you where you can shove your stupid manners.

Their father finally intervenes at the mention of shoving manners up ungodly places, though he is secretly excited at the fact that he just managed to watch a 3D movie without even paying for anything except the popcorn. He's a fantastic dad like that.

FATHER
Guys, guys. Aren't we forgetting something important here?

JESSALYN
The fact that you still have coffee on your lap?

CHASE
Mayonnaise?

Chase holds up a bottle of mayonnaise while Jessalyn and her father both stare blankly at it, the latter burying his head in his hands and wondering if his and his wife's genes somehow ended up in someone else's children.

JESSALYN
Why the hell are you holding mayonnaise?

CHASE
Well, it's Cinco de Mayo, right? Hence, mayonnaise!

JESSALYN
Jesus Christ, Chase. Just because it's called Cinco de Mayo, doesn't mean it's about mayonnaise. It's Spanish for May!

FATHER
Oh, thank goodness at least one of my kids got the intelligent genes.

CHASE
I'm so confused.

Exit Jessalyn and her father.

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Scene III. 12:30 pm. Car ride. Father driving. Jessalyn playing air guitar while listening to music.

Enter Chase and his MOTHER, who is the fully American one of the family. She is the only one in the family who is not a complete failure at life– yeah no, that's rude. Let's just say that she's the brains of the family unit, okay?

MOTHER
What's gotten your panties in a twist?

CHASE
Mom, please do me a favour and never say that again.

MOTHER
Wow, okay, I was just trying to lighten up the tension. Oh look, we're here!

His mother opens the door and is immediately swept up in a parade of people dancing and intently watching the reenactments of Mexican and French soldiers of the battle that Cinco de Mayo originated from. Chase watches in horror while his father boogies to the music in his car seat.

CHASE
Mom! Holy shit!

FATHER
Language, youngster!

Jessalyn and Chase both fix him with an incredulous stare because their father curses way more than they do, even though it is in Spanish one hundred and fifty percent of the time. Their father shrugs at them helplessly.

FATHER
Hey, now I can say that I attempted parenting. I can't help if I suck at it.

JESSALYN
Yes.

CHASE
You really do.

FATHER
Okay then, just tag team me right there for the first time in your lives. Fine! If none of my kids wants to join Team Papa, I'll just ask your mother–

Their father glances out the door of their car to see his wife already covered in face paint and streamers, dancing and clapping along to the music and parade floats. Jessalyn and Chase give him a scornful look.

FATHER
Oh, she's not here.

CHASE
Yeah, Team Papa just got demolished quicker than a piñata.

FATHER
Why does everyone compare people to piñatas these days? Is that a new trend? Are piñata comparisons the new dabbing? The new cash me outside? The new–

JESSALYN
Um, dad, not to freak you out, but is mom going to die out there? These crowds are crazy.

FATHER
Kid, don't underestimate your mother's potential to party. She might be petite, but that woman's like a tiger on a battlefield in these situations! A blonde, beautiful, and clearly not Mexican tiger, but you get the point.

Chase and Jessalyn roll their eyes at each other while their father gazes at their mother with an adoring expression. Even though they have been married for twenty years, they act like lovestruck teenagers. Chase swears that the next time they kiss in public, he will chuck a pot at their heads. It is the only thing the twins agree on.

Chase tries to change the subject.

CHASE
By the way, why did they choose the parade to be here? Why not like, Disneyland, New York, Universal Studios Hollywood, even? At least we could visit The Wizarding World of Harry Potter and drink some butterbeer, try some Bertie Bott's Every Flavour beans–

JESSALYN
Oh my god, you've read Harry Potter? I'm impressed.

CHASE
Si, señorita.

Chase says this in an attempt to sound suave, gazing out the car window while Jessalyn gags dramatically in the background, immediately regretting her decision to speak.

JESSALYN
Annnnd, the moment's over.

FATHER
Well, to answer your question, Cinco de Mayo commemorates the Mexican Army's triumph over the French in 1862. No one expected them to win, because they were so outnumbered, but they proved them wrong!

CHASE
Yeah, but why isn't this parade at Hogwarts?

FATHER
Dios mío, seriously? The battle was held in Puebla, you uncultured swine!

CHASE
Did you just call me a pig?

JESSALYN
Are you in any position to deny that accusation?

Chase strokes his chin thoughtfully. You see, being awake at four in the morning makes Chase quite delirious. He is much more witty and smart in the morning, once he has had numerous hours of undisturbed sleep. Much like a koala. Jessalyn believes that he injects himself with IQ boosting drugs. The parents refuse to take sides.

CHASE
Alright, point taken.

Exit Chase and his father.

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Scene IV. During the parade. Still in Puebla, duh. Father is nowhere to be found. Chase is stuffing his face with enchiladas.

Enter Jessalyn and her mother, who are wandering around and admiring the floats and decorations that are around. When random people pop up and yell in their faces, her mother hits them with toy batons. Jessalyn is scouring the stalls and admiring the parade dancers from afar, when she catches the eye of a cute boy.

MOTHER
You're drooling hot sauce, sweetie.

JESSALYN
What? I'm not drooling! Why would I ever be doing that unspeakable act on this fine, handsome, beautiful, gorgeous, Mexican day?

Jessalyn catches the eye of the boy. THE BOY winks mischievously and beckons her towards him, somehow still managing to keep dancing for the people watching. I don't know how, I would have tripped and gone splat on the ground. Dude's got skill.

Jessalyn's mother nudges her with a suggestive wink.

MOTHER
Go on, dance with him!

JESSALYN
No! I'm not ready!

MOTHER
Will you be ready in three seconds?

JESSALYN
Er, maybe. Why?

MOTHER
One, two, three!

Jessalyn's mother shoves her through a throng of dancing girls towards the boy.

JESSALYN
Ahhhhhhhhhh!

The boy somehow manages to catch her before she gracefully faceplants into a bowl of nachos. She gazes up at him, open-mouthed at his eyes, as lovely as chocolate. Goodness me, I'm making you hungry now, aren't I?

BOY
Are you alright, señorita?

JESSALYN
I– um– er– fantastic! Spectacular! Marvellous! Wow, your eyes are really shiny.

BOY
Haha, you're funny.

JESSALYN
Aw, that's sweet, but you're overestimating my talents.

BOY
Come, dance with me!

The boy gently leads her to somewhere less crowded, starting to dance. Jessalyn is nervous and timid at first, but quickly warms up to his kind and hella attractive nature. Meanwhile, their father has managed to drag Chase away from the enchilada stall. Chase protests at first, but is momentarily distracted.

CHASE
Is that Jessalyn with a guy?

FATHER
Guy? Guy where?

His father storms through and group of dancers and shoves people left and right. Chase watches amusedly for a while, before eventually speaking up and pointing in the direction opposite of where his father is heading.

CHASE
Dad, the lovey-dovey couple are that way.

His father spins around abruptly and begins storming the other way because he clearly has no sense of direction.

FATHER
That bastard's going to get a piece of my mind!

CHASE
Aren't we meant to be avoiding bloodshed today?

FATHER
This can be part of the reenactments!

Once his father reaches Jessalyn, he sneers at the boy and drags him away by the collar, while Jessalyn shouts and pummels her father's arm.

JESSALYN
Dad! What the hell are you doing?

FATHER
Ridding your presence of this creep!

JESSALYN
What are you on about? He's super nice!

The boy hastily climbs to his feet.

BOY
I– er– I'll be going now. Adios, señorita!

The boy scampers off as fast as his disco shoes can take him while Jessalyn's father shakes his fist after him, his face growing increasingly redder by the second.

FATHER
You don't get to call her señorita, you perverted piece of scum!

MOTHER
Come on now, dear, let's just go.

JESSALYN
Dad! I can't believe you just ruined my chances with a hot guy!

FATHER
Watch that tone of voice, missy! I did you a favour.

JESSALYN
A favour? A favour? Oh my god, never speak to me again. You ruin everything.

FATHER
Oh man, you don't mean that, do you? Jess?

Jessalyn stomps away as her parents watch forlornly. Chase is in the background, laughing so much that he has trouble not throwing up his enchiladas.

CHASE
Who needs a parade when I have this?

FATHER
Come on, let's go home.

Exit scene.

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Scene V. Back at the hotel. Mother is bored of being the mediator. Chase goes to the bathroom because he drank too much punch.

Enter Jessalyn and her father, who had sat in the car in stony silence and are now both sitting on the couch in stony silence. Jessalyn wonders how many times her family can screw up her life, because again, teenage girl angst and drama dominates her brain function.

FATHER
Jess, talk to me!

JESSALYN
If you think begging is going to work–

FATHER
How about tacos and beef jerky?

JESSALYN
Fine, you have thirty seconds.

FATHER
Look, Jessalyn, Cinco de Mayo is about union. About bonds, friendships, overcoming adversity together. I– I just don't want to lose the family bond us four have, you know? You're growing up, Jess, and I'm scared.

JESSALYN
Oh, dad, don't–

FATHER
It's just hard to see you like this, but I suppose I have to let you spread your wings and fly off sometime soon. Just not yet, okay? Spend some quality time with your papa. Please.

JESSALYN
Alright, you're forgiven, you soppy old sap.

CHASE
Of course you would forgive him, after that mushy speech.

Chase and his mother enter the room, Chase wrapping an arm around Jessalyn's shoulders while his mother affectionately pecks their father on the cheek.

MOTHER
We'll always be a family unit, the four of us. Not just when we're together, but when we're apart. In the future. In the afterlife. Forever.

JESSALYN
Ugh, you guys are so corny. Now bring it in.

The family gather together in a group hug while the parade rages outside, the whoops and shouts floating up into the warm Spring air. Chase is the first to pull away, gazing at his parents with an imploring look because Chase is a greedy dipshit.

CHASE
So, can we go to Universal Studios or nah?

EVERYONE ELSE
Chase!

Exenut.