"On Eid Ul-Fitr, wish that Allah's blessings light up the path and lead to happiness, peace, and success."
– The Fresh Quotes

Dates:
June 25th and 26th, 2017
September 1st to 5th, 2017

Occasion:
Hari Raya Aidilfitri
Hari Raya Puasa
Eid al-Fitr

Observed By: Muslims

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XXI | The Feast of Eed-ool-Fither

"Hey, how's my favourite pen pal?"

"Um, you know we're not exactly pen pals if we're talking on the phone without the use of a pen, right?"

"Okay then, no need to get all literal on me. How's it going?"

"It's going good."

"..."

"..."

"So, just good? Not spectacular? Marvellous? Fantastical? Wonderful? Good, just good?"

"No, Justin, I'm astoundingly, bewilderingly, stupendously, prodigiously, flabbergastedly good."

"I was totally on board with that until you said 'flabbergastedly'."

"Can you call me back later? I'm busy."

"Oh come on, you always have time for your favourite pen pal!"

"You're not my pen pal."

"Yeah, buddy, I am! Aren't we just such good chums?"

"Chum? That sounds so gross, like Spongebob Squarepants meets biology."

"That's not the point!"

"I would probably stick a geometry pun somewhere here, but I don't have time."

"Come on, everybody has time for geometry puns!"

"...Oh, fine. I'm sine and you're cosine, wanna make like a tangent?"

"Are you hitting on me with a math joke?"

"I'm not hitting on you! You're not my type."

"Hey, rude! You've never even seen me before! For all you know, I could be the man of your dreams."

"So, in my dreams, there's a cookie-hoarding, cartoon-obsessed, enthusiastic bouncy ball?"

"Spot on, you learn pretty quick."

"Justin, I'm busy. Leeeeeeeeeave."

"Fine, I'm leeeeeeeeeeeaving."

"..."

"..."

"Hang up."

"No, you hang up!"

"You hang up, you insolent bouncy ball!"

"Why're you busy?"

"None of your beeswax!"

"My beeswax is tired of your lying bum!"

"Fine, if I tell you, will you get off my back?"

"Tell me you weren't the only one who took that in a dirty way."

"Ugh, you're insufferable."

"Come on, we're buddies!"

"Do buddies usually want to shove their other buddy in front of a bus full of obnoxious children?"

"Uh, not that I've heard of."

"Then no, we're not buddies."

"Tell me, tell me, tell me!"

"Fine, it's Eid al-Fitr tomorrow and the day after!"

"Eid al-what now? How do you even pronounce that?"

"'Eid' is pronounced 'eel' without the 'l' and with an extra 'd'-"

"I'm always up for extra 'd's."

"'ul' sounds like 'cool' without the first two letters."

"That's cool."

"And 'Fitr' is pronounced 'fitter' but the two 't's are pronounced with 'th'."

"Got it. Eed-ool-fither?"

"Eh, yeah, close enough."

"So, Professor, would you like to give me a lesson on the ins and outs of the celebration that makes it sound as though I have a really bad lisp?"

"I've never met anyone so eager to learn stuff. I thought I was a nerd."

"Well, you thought wrong."

"Anyway, maybe I have a bit of spare time."

"Aw, I knew you could make time for me."

"Shush, not like that!"

"You know you love me, you know you care–"

"One more line of Bieber and I'm hanging up on your bum, right here, right now."

"Fine, I surrender! Teach me, senpai."

"So, basically, Eid al-Fitr begins on the first day of the month of Shawwal."

"The month of Sha-what now?"

"Dude, I'm not a human pronunciation corrector!"

"Sure sure, carry on."

"The first day of Shawwal is tomorrow–"

"Wait, wait, hold up. Do you guys have an entire Shaw-thingy's calendar? Or is it all automatically there on your snazzy iPhones or something?"

"I'm an Android user."

"Oops, my bad."

"Also, you do realise that Shawwal is a month, not an entire year, right? It occurs after Ramadan."

"You just keep throwing them unfamiliar terms at me girl, just keep chucking them at me."

"God, are you this obnoxious all the time? It's the ninth month of the Muslim year!"

"Aha! You just told me that Muslims only have one month and now you're telling me you guys have a numbered list of months! Liar liar, pants on fire!"

"Wow, I'm so shook that you've one-upped me with this completely useless fact."

"Well? Carry on!"

"Jeez, calm your farm! Anyway, during Ramadan, we fast in the day. You'd better goddamned know what fasting is. The amount of times I've seen American girls ordering nothing but a salad..."

"Of course I know what fasting is, duh. Keep going."

"Also, no smoking. No sex."

"Gasp shock horror! No sex? What a travesty!"

"Not all of us have constant sexual overdrive, Justin."

"There's this thing. It's called sarcasm. Go learn it."

"Anyway, you're basically not allowed to fast on Eid al-Fitr."

"So, you're like, forced to eat, even if you don't want to?"

"Uh huh."

"Even all the vegetables?"

"Even all the vegetables."

"Sounds like my mom everyday."

"We have loads of traditional food, as well. It's an entire freaking feast."

"A feast of food? Me likey very much!"

"We have loads of traditional breads and stuff. Ooh, also, ever heard of a chicken and rosewater biryani? Or a spinach, aubergine and chickpea curry?"

"What the hell is an aubergine? Is that some magical spell word?"

"It means eggplant, you aubergine."

"But is it magical?"

"It's English."

"Aha! Britain is where Harry Potter is set, therefore aubergine is magical."

"Think what you like, you're not going to gain any brain cells doing it anyway."

"Let's wrap this up, then. What else do you do on Eed-ool-fither?"

"We eat. We pray. We love."

"Oh, come on. No movie title references. You can do better than that!"

"We actually do pray and wear our nicest clothes for it. We also decorate our houses with lights and stuff. We give money to the poor. We exchange greeting cards and kids get presents. We eat nice food. It's a real fun time. Bring the curtain down, ladies and gentlemen, and goodnight!"

"Man, that was a good show."

"Man, you are one annoying audience member."

"You know you love me."

"No."

"Love the Justin."

"No!"

"Come on, not even a little?"

"Fine, maybe I'm starting to like you a tiny bit more than before."

"Yes! You gotta love the Justin."

"You're never going to let me hear the end of this, are you?"

"Nope. Aren't you meant to be busy?"

"Well, yeah, but why–?"

"See ya, pen pal!"

"For the last time, I'm not your pen pal!"

"Yeah, you are. Don't deny it. Bye!"

"Justin, you get back here right–"

"..."

"He hung up on me."

"..."

"Please let me punch his aubergine."