"Our siblings. They resemble us just enough to make all their differences confusing, and no matter what we choose to make of this, we are cast in relation to them our whole lives long." – Susan Scarf Merrell

Date: August 7th, 2017 (the full moon day of the Hindu month of Shravana)

Occasion: Raksha Bandhan or Rakhi

Country: India

Disclaimer: The narrator of this chapter is my friend, Roonil_Wazlib13 aka Sana, so a huge thanks to her for being cool with this!

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XXV | The Celebration of Strings and Stuff

Namastē, people! Now, we've only had two of these guides so far, correct? The prank one written by Abby and the Canada one written by that anonymous university student? Well, I'm reviving that dead writing style. I welcome you to Sana's Declassified Raksha Bandhan Celebration Guide? Nah, my tongue can't handle that many syllables. How about the Celebration of Strings and Stuff? Ah yeah, too casual. Maybe not. You know what? Let's just get on with this.

You non-Indians are probably wondering, what the heck is this Raksha Bandhan-y thing that I can't pronounce? to which I reply, rude much? I mean, it only takes a minute or so out of your day to prevent yourself from offending a country of people. For your information, it's pronounced pretty much exactly how it's spelt. Rak-sha Band-han. Not rocket science.

Also, we might as well get down to business with some fun history classes! No cheering? Fine then, make me feel awkward. Anyway, Raksha Bandhan. Sounds fancy, doesn't it? If I gave you one guess before I reveal what it's about, what would you say? Maybe a celebration about Indian bands? Wrapping presents with inappropriate Christmas gift wrap because it's the only type you have? Writing letters to Santa?

Well, I'm here to inform you that it's none of the above. Yes, you can gasp now, because Santa's never going to arrive in his one horse open sleigh. Sorry to break it to you.

Raksha Bandhan takes its form in the shape of your sibling, which makes it awkward if you're an only child. I'll explain how only children can make themselves feel less excluded later. Anyway, the purpose of the festival is the celebrate the bond between a brother and a sister. If you're itching to burn your sibling's eyebrows off, you're reading about the wrong holiday, buddy.

But have you stopped to consider how great your brother or sister is? No, seriously. Just stop and think about every time they defended you, they lent you a helping hand, they hid that one vase you broke from mom and she didn't find out until eight years later when she lifted the rug to vacuum under it and found a billion shattered pieces.

So many people don't appreciate their siblings enough, and it's painful to watch. What about those without one, huh? How they grew up lonely their entire lives? How they were forced to socially interact with strangers right off the bat? How, if some item mysteriously broke, they were the only ones to blame? A friend isn't the same as a sibling. A sibling has your blood coursing through their veins, a blood bond if you will, and that better not be forgotten any time soon.

Alas, I'm here to walk you through what we do on this momentous occasion! No Santa, no bald Asian monks, no ice cream shops, no optometrists. Just you, me, and your sibling. Raksha Bandhan can be one of the most fantabulous festivals of the year, so I'm going to show you how to make that happen.

THE FIRST STEP is to wake up in the morning, feeling like P Diddy. Grab your glasses, you're out the door, you're gonna hit this– nope, forget it. It doesn't so much start in the morning, to be honest. You can celebrate it any time you like, as long as it's within the 24 hours of August the 18th and you manage to get every tiny detail perfected in those 86400 seconds. No pressure.

Anywho, here's a lowdown of what happens. The first step is when the sister does an Aarti. This'll be complicated to explain for you non-Indian folks, so bear with me here, okay? Imagine an ordinary waitress, carrying a place of food and delivering it to your table.

Except here, she's decked out in some fancy Indian clothes such as sarees and ghagras, the former being a piece of patterned silk you drape around your body, the latter being a long skirt with embroidery. Also, only seventy percent of the plate consists of edible goods. Now, imagine you're excited for the food. You can't wait for it to arrive so you can dig in.

As she approaches, closer and closer, your anticipation grows higher. When she reaches your table, she abruptly stops and lifts the plate to reveal, uh, a lamp? Some sort of powder stuff? Rice? Sweets? You wonder, "what the hell is going on? This isn't what I ordered!" but you just roll with it, because this person may grant you access to unlimited free food if you're nice to her.

Then, she suddenly starts rotating the plate like one would spin a basketball on their finger. Okay no, she obviously doesn't spin the entire plate on one finger. I'd be very impressed if she could, but you get the point. She spins it and spins it right in front of your face, again and again. You're starting to feel dizzy and just want your food already.

So, what is she doing? Well, ladies and gents, that's what an Aarti is, and it's a pretty important tradition. Then, the sister feeds the brother sweets. The latter's probably feeling like a king by now, that pampered son of a bitch. By the way, sweets are called mithai in Hindi. It sounds like myth-eye. Examples of those sweets are pedha, which are these round, sweet balls made of various things, such as sugar, various seeds, and khoa, which is the fancy way of saying dried milk.

There's also laddoo, which is a larger version of the aforementioned pedha, and burfis, which are square shaped pedha because shapes matter. Also, there are jalebi, which are sweets shaped like spirals. This is why you should pay attention in geometry. If you don't know a circle from a square, you're not going to get far in life. Just a note, it's usually the laddoo or pedha that the sister feeds the brother. Three cheers for dry sugar milk!

THE SECOND STEP is when we get super traditional and go into all of the symbolism and inferencing stuff that your English teacher has made you do way too many times. Trust me, I know. So, to be real cheesy, we call this step the thread of love, which is adorable, yet also sounds like the type of movie that'd probably be a box office bomb.

Oh yeah, the sister's doing all the work. Feel free to complain about gender inequality, but even though that is a very important issue, I don't have the power to change what my culture has been doing for centuries. Also, I just want my goddamned pizza. So shush, children, and let me finish explaining. I can already sniff out the cheesy aroma.

So, the ritual begins with a prayer in front of God, before the sister ties a decorative string around her brother's wrist, which symbolises having a bond between them. From this, the brother also takes an indirect vow to protect his sister at any and every point in life. You run into some thugs? Bam, your brother will drop down from the sky and beat up some fools! Or maybe just do a Barry Allen and make a speedy escape. Either way, he's always going to be there for his sister, and there's something touching about that, you know? I feel myself tearing up right now. 

Oh wait no, those are the onions that are being cut to top my pizza.

Never mind.

THE THIRD STEP is rather peculiar. You know those marks you sometimes see on people's foreheads, and you either thought someone managed to splatter curry on their forehead or take part in a particularly messy art project? Have you ever wondered what that mark was and what it's made of? Yeah, me neither, but I'll inform you anyway because I get pizza for writing this.

It's what you call a tika, which rhymes with chica, and don't worry, it's not made of curry. Not unless you're a toddler who doesn't know how to use cutlery, nor can identify the approximate location of their own mouth. The sister applies the not-curry to the brother's forehead, so he's casually rocking a blood red tear drop on his forehead for a day. Not that that implies anything murderous whatsoever. Okay yeah, kidding. Fair warning, every sentence in this guide has the potential to offend you, so keep that in mind.

What was I saying? Oh yeah, what the tika is made of. It's essentially a red powder called kumkum, which is an awfully entertaining word to say. I wish English had those sorts of fun words. Then again, we have Benedict Cumber-butchered-his-name-way-too-many-times and hemidemisemiquavers, so I guess it's not a total loss. You mix the kumkum with some water so it creates this red paste. Then, the sister applies a small dot or an elongated drop with their finger and puts some rice on it too. I know. Delicious, right?

Now for the continuation of the food and gift part, which, of course, is everyone's favourite part. Finally, the brother does something and gets his sister a nice gift. From experience, I'm saying that this is definitely the best part, because presents are awesome. It's like a second Christmas. Also, the present can either come in the form of money or something that the brother put a lot of thought into. Don't be surprised if he gets you a yoyo from the dollar store, though.

For an only child, not to worry! You're not completely left out of the loop, because many women tie rakhi, which are the aforementioned decorative strings, to men whom they consider their brothers. It's not necessarily about the blood bonds; it can also be figurative. And yes, it's a sure fire way to friendzone someone, so next time one of your guy friends flirts with you or asks you out and you don't want to date him? Tie a string to his wrist. Works every time.

Where was I? Oh yeah, one step closer to my pizza. So, raksha means safety and bandhan means bond. There's a cutesy fact, just for you. It means the bond of safety, where the brother vows to protect his sister forever. Unless said sister smashes her mother's favorite vase and attempts to hide it under a rug. Then she's most definitely on her own.

Also, when the brother is married, the sister ties a Rakhi to both her brother and her sister-in-law, which is cute. I mean, unless you're living one of those nightmare Cinderella stories and your sister-in-law is a stuck up bitch who wants you to polish her feet and floss her teeth. But let's think on the positive side. Think of laddoo. Think of pizza.

Speaking of pizza, I think mine's done! It's been a pleasure to explain this procedure to you, I must say. But if you weren't paying attention, here's what you should take away from this: kumkum is an awesome word, Indian sweets are more delicious than they sound, tie strings to guys' wrists if you want to friendzone them, and learn to appreciate your siblings, because they're a part of your fam and they're amazeballs.

So alvida from myself, Sana, and may the bald Asian monks be with you.

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A/N: HELLO I AM SORRY I FORGOT TO POST THIS! THINGS HAVE BEEN CRAZY IN THE PAST 72 HOURS HOLY MOLY!