Sometimes I wish I was back at the hospital in the year of 2013. I'm crazy for saying that I know, but not crazy as a bad type of crazy; just rather a "I need to escape reality right now" type of crazy.

I knew they were going to split around age 10, but I also knew it was going to hurt but not this bad. My parents never showed that love I always wanted to see, like the people in the movies, but those were childish thoughts.

That's why when I came home that day around 3:30 pm in the afternoon after my mother picked me up from school, I wanted to float. My mother went to the store, so I was alone and I put on India Arie "Beautiful" song, and just cried, while on the floor on my knees. No, more like sobbing. I just could not get myself together so I did what I thought would make me numb and feel better, which was to get high. I took "happy pills" was what I called them and popped around 6/7 of them. I use to do more and I was going to but sometimes they would get stuck in my throat and I knew I had to stop, but after taking them that day, I climbed in my bed.

When my mother came home she saw me laying in my bed, she became concerned. She knew about my history with taking pills, but she gave me 3 strikes. I was currently on my 2nd one this time. She saw the benadryl box on my bed and noticed how light the box was. She told me to stand up and she looked me dead in the eyes and she knew that was her answer. I cried, wanting to so desperately die/rather disappear and hoping that no one would try to save me this time, but she did. My momma did.

She called Summit (Overlook hospital), I got dressed, looking a complete mess, tears in my eyes; not even thinking about tomorrow's math test and we drove there. I gave my family a huge scare, but to me and the reactions of those that cared and some didn't. Remembering my Aunt's exact words "You did this for attention? I was conflicted; triggered even. If his sisters, which were my aunts, knew about my father's little perfect demons, they wouldn't want to listen. 

Next the nurses took me, my father voice shook  saying ,"She don't need that". She only needs God! My mother's voice over powered his stating "Then Bonnie, let God do his job". "Let her get help". 

I was in there from May 16, 2013 - May 22 I believe, and those were the best days of my 20 years of life. I saw God's face . I knew he/she existed for myself. Not going by my father, grandmother, brother, mother and anyone else's experiences but mine. I guess the best experiences takes time.

P.S. This is my story and I thank you for reading and this is to all those who feel lost right now. I was lost then and still am (lol). Just one day at a time, one step at a time and one thought at a time. If anyone wants to talk (vent), hmu on my social media link in my bio. Love to all! 

11/10/2017