It was almost dawn by the time I’d carried my mother to the speeder and sat her firmly on the back. I drove with speed, letting my anger flow and I blocked all my thoughts, rather than let the Force calm me. I hadn’t even realized I was back at the Lars’ homestead until Padme was looking at me in the eyes with such compassion it almost broke my heart.

I suddenly realized that I didn’t deserve her compassion and at the same time, I did. I exchanged looks with Owen and Cleigg right before going inside the house. I sat her body carefully on the couch. From somewhere far away I managed to hear Owen say that he’d dig her grave out by the others in the family cemetery.

I went back outside to bring the speeder back into the garage. I tried to distract myself with fixing the shifter that wasn’t broken, but no matter how hard I tried nothing would distract my thoughts from going to dangerous places.

Part of me—the part of me that could still think through the pain—was ashamed of my actions. Well, ashamed wasn’t the word for it. I knew I was supposed to act better, to think better than that. What had I done? I’d let my anger take a hold of me and that was something a Jedi should never, never do.

Ever, in his life.

“I brought you something,” a voice came from the doorway. “Are you hungry? There’s some fruit here and a cup of Jawa Juice,” Padme said. I heard the tray slide onto something and knew that she probably sat it down somewhere.

“The shifter broke,” I said. “It must’ve broken last night, but I didn’t notice it…” My voice trailed off. I sighed. “Life seems so much simpler when you’re fixing things. I’m good at fixing things. Always was,” I continued. I paused for a second and then spoke what was on my mind. “But I couldn’t…” My voice trailed off again and for the first time since Padme had gotten in there, I looked away from the shifter. I looked right into her eyes with a gaze full of pain and anger. I continued, “Why’d she have to die? Why couldn’t I save her? I know I could have!” I turned my back on her and walked across the garage.

“Sometimes there are things no one can fix. Even you can’t stop death. You’re not all-powerful, Annie,” Padme said.

“Well I should be!” I shouted. “Someday I will be! I will be the most powerful Jedi ever!” I turned and looked at her and I knew, I could feel that I would be the most powerful Jedi. “I promise you. I will even learn to stop people from dying!”

“Annie…” she started.

The frustration took over again and I yelled unintentionally. “It’s all Obi-Wan’s fault! He’s jealous! He’s holding me back!” I threw a wrench against the far wall. It hit with a loud clank. I stared at the wall for a few minutes and then turned back around so my back faced Padme.

That’s when I let the tears fall down my face.

“What’s wrong, Annie?” she asked in a sweet and gentle voice.

“I just told you!”

“No, what’s really wrong?” she asked again.

“I….” My voice trailed off. I couldn’t tell her. If I did, what would she think of me? I had to try. I sighed and took in a deep breath.

“I…I killed them. I killed them all. They’re dead. Every single one of them…” My voice trailed off. I turned to face her, the tears covering my face. “Not just the men, but the women and the children too. I killed them all. They’re like animals and I slaughtered them like animals! I hate them!”

She looked at me with such compassion, but hurt and tenderheartedness that for a second, it made me forget everything.

Just for a second.

She called my name as I walked passed her and sank down along the wall. The tears came down even more. I took some deep breaths and called out to the Force. I tried to listen to it inside me, tried to calm my feelings, those feelings inside me that were so alien, so unfamiliar to me. She leaned down beside me. “To be angry is to be human,” she said.

“I’m a Jedi,” I told her. “I know, I know I’m better than this.” My voice was full of pain, but determination.

She put her hand on the back of my neck and rubbed it gently. My eyes were wet with the tears that didn’t seem to stop.

I traced over the roughly scribbled words with my fingers. I put a small piece of paper there to mark my spot and closed the book. I looked at the front and back of the journal. On the front there was a strange symbol that I didn’t recognize. I blew the dust off of it and put my finger on the symbol. I began tracing it lightly.

The instant my finger touched it, it glowed. A really, really bright green color. I gasped and then felt energy sweep from the symbol through my hand. I could feel the energy course through my body. I felt something inside me, like really felt it. The power inside me wasn’t controlling or evil, I could feel it. It was good and filled with love. Compassion was a better word to describe it.

I pulled my hand away from the symbol and looked at it. “Whoa,” I said, opening the journal back up.

Hours later we buried my mother. The suns shone high above our heads. Heat radiated onto my skin, warming it. I welcomed the heat. We all stood in a line and as Cleigg spoke about my mother, how wonderful she was, I called to the Force to guide me and to calm the feelings raging inside me. I would learn to stop people from dying so I wouldn’t lose anyone else, ever. When he got finished, I slowly walked right up to her grave. I fell down onto my knees and grabbed a handful of sand. The sand was rough in my fingers.

“I wasn’t strong enough to save you, Mom,” I said as if I was speaking to her. “But I promise: I won’t fail again.” My voice filled with determination and anger. I could feel it inside me. I closed my eyes and reached out to the Force. I felt the Force flow through my body, it coursed through my veins; it filled me with a good energy that spoke to me, whispered thoughts in my mind.

“Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads to suffering,” Yoda’s voice whispered in my mind. I remembered those words he spoke to me when I was just ten years old.

They stayed in my mind as if he said that just yesterday. I slowly stood up and stared at the place where her body would remain…forever.

“I miss you….so much,” I murmured, my voice husky.

A beeping sound brought me out of my thoughts.

“What are you doing here?” Padme asked.

I turned around and saw Padme’s droid, R2 just behind 3P0.

“It seems he is carrying a message from an Obi-Wan Kenobi. Master Annie does that name mean anything to you?” 3P0 asked.

Padme and I exchanged glances. He knew I was here. I was in for a lecture.

“Let’s go back to the ship,” Padme said.

I nodded and followed her. It was fifty yards ahead.

“You okay?” she whispered to me once we were away from the others. R2 was rolling ahead of us.

“I won’t fail her again,” I vowed.

She gave me a look. “She was very proud of who you’ve become, Annie,” Padme said. We reached the ship and walked into the main hull. I pushed several buttons and Obi-Wan’s hologram appeared just in front of where Padme sat. I stood behind her.

“My long-range transmitter has been knocked out. Retransmit this message to Coruscant,” the hologram said.

Padme pressed a button to the left of me.

“I have tracked the bounty hunter, Jango Fett to the droid foundries on Geonosis. The Trade Federation is to take delivery of a droid army here, and it’s very clear that Viceroy Gunray is behind the assassination attempts on Senator Amidala. The Commerce Guilds and the Corporate Alliance have pledged their armies to Count Dooku and are forming a—Wait! Wait!”

Obi-Wan ignited his lightsaber and blocked several blaster shots. A destroyer droid appeared in his place. I watched the scene play out in front of me in astonishment.

“Master…” I started.

His hologram disappeared which just left us connected with Coruscant. Master Yoda and Master Windu’s holograms appeared in Obi-Wan’s spot.

“More happenings on Geonosis I feel, than has been revealed,” Yoda said.

Mace Windu nodded. “I agree,” he answered. He looked in our direction. “We will deal with Count Dooku. The most important thing for you is to stay where you are. Protect the Senator at all costs. That is your first priority.”

I looked down. “Understood, Master,” I answered. While I stayed here and did nothing, Obi-Wan was in trouble and nothing was being done. My thoughts were in a frustrated rush as Mace’s hologram disappeared.

Padme turned her chair around and pressed some more buttons.

“What are you doing?” I asked her.

“They’ll never get there in time to save him! They’ll have to come halfway across the galaxy! Look, Geonosis is less than a parsec away,” she explained, showing me on a digital map.

“If he’s still alive,” I replied, bitterly.

“Annie, are you just going to sit here and let him die? He’s your friend, your mentor he’s—“

I cut her off. “He’s like my father! But you heard Master Windu! He gave me strict orders to stay here! I can’t disobey his direct order!”

“He gave you strict orders to protect me and I’m going to help Obi-Wan. So if you want to follow orders, you’ll just have to come along,” she said. She smiled and she pressed some more buttons to start the ship up.

I smiled at her. Sometimes I really loved her attitude. I sat down in the driver’s seat and together we raced to go help Obi-Wan.

Our plan didn’t quite go as expected, though.