so i guess it's going to be one of those nights. i will walk up and down the steps a hundred times and i will lay down in a hundred different positions before i fall asleep. i will think a thousand thoughts and almost all of them will lead me back to you. i might gaze out of the window at the tiny speckle stars, and i might wish that i were a star. i might wish to be a tiny speckle star out in space.

and i will once again feel that same ineffable feeling, that nameless shape that occupies my mind. and it will be so profound that i cannot put it into words. and i will see the lonesome night staring at me from behind my couch, and i will stare back because i, too, am lonely. and we will both stare and understand each other.

when i lay my body down on my couch, it will be like there is someone beside me. their body will press against mine, but they will have the soft squishy body of a couch cushion. and i may bury my nose in their cozy warmth and close my eyes, and i may pretend that i am calm enough to fall asleep.

and then when at last it does happen, i will be sleeping but still seeing the darkness of my eyelids. i will be resting but i will wake up with no rest at all. my eyes may be closed but they will invariably sting with the burden of being alive. i will sleep without sleeping and when i get up the next day there will be no sleep to rub from my eyes.