As I poor my self a glass of more rum than coke I know this is wrong
I take a big gulp and pray for the effects to kick in any mintute now and I know this is wrong
I refill my glass forgetting the coke and only the rum and I drink some more
I know this is very wrong
I said I wouldn't do this anymore that I was done with this lifestyle that these are bad choices and I shouldn't make them
But then things start to kick in and the edge is lifted off things
Soon we are at the highest highs
Suddenly everything is funny and all I can do I laugh and do more stupid things
I know they are wrong but I can't think like that right now I can't think straight at all
Next thing you know I'm smoking and dancing and flipping people off
Then.... comes the crashing
The sadness the anxiety
Everything comes back to me now and it comes back worse
I realize what I'd done and guilt washes over me and I hate myself for what I've done the things I've said, the things I've drank, the cigarettes I've smoked all taunting me and reminding me of mistakes I've made before hand
My life is a horrible mess and I am the one scrabbling it
I am ashamed of myself and the things I've done the things that make me worse than everyone else
I disgust me and I'm a horrible excuse for a human being
All my pent up emotions that I've been trying so hard to hide with the alcohol and the everything are racing though my mind ripping me apart
I've hit the lowest of the lows from the highest points in heaven to the lowest points in hell
As I throw up in the sink I look in the mirror then crash on the floor until morning