(This is more of a 'I need to get this out if my head' kind of thing before I have another mental breakdown)

I don't get it... I'm in love with him, I see his faults as perfections, I see him as a handsome God, perfect in every way. I love him, he makes me feel safe, he makes me happy, he makes me feel at home... but why can't I see it lasting? Why can't I see us having a future? He loves me, atleast he says. He loves my family, he helps me, and we spoil each other. So, why can't I see us together forever like we had always said? I'm in love with him, I feel homesick when he's gone, and I can't wait to see him again... so what is it? Why do I feel like I'm not good enough for him? Why can't I see us having a future? Why have I been having so many mental breakdowns, and why do I always keep them secret from him? I am tired of crying at night, and then getting a call from him because he had a bad day, I'm tired of screaming into a pillow, while he talks about his day on the phone.

  I'm tired of having to hold the phone away from me as I sob, or suddenly not being able to understand what he's saying because I can't make sense of anything anymore. I'm just.... I'm so tired of it all.... I was once so happy, I would smile because I made it through another day, and now I cry because I didn't want that car to stop before it hit me. I use to smile at myself in the mirror, but now I just can't. I don't feel insecure about my body, but I feel insecure about my soul. It's like having a soul, proud of the body, and a body, disappointed in the soul. I can't take it, I don't want to cut, and I've started talking to myself, I think it's myself, maybe it's someone else, maybe a demon, I don't know anymore. I hit myself and I bruise myself, as I call myself pathetic, I've been cutting, but only small cuts that I can blame on the cats.

It's just so hard to stay motivated anymore, it's so hard to keep it together. I feel so unloved, and it makes me want to cry, sad I've had horrible urges.... to hurt others.... I almost stabbed myself in the stomach, just to distract me from this horrible mental distress. I don't know what this is, what this feeling is. I think that maybe..... I'm just an overdramatic drama queen, who gets sad about too many things. Yeah, I guess that's just what I am... heh.... I really am pathetic, aren't I?