Changlix
TW // discussion of past self harm and self harm scars, no graphic description of the act of self harm

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Felix isn't sure what brings him to the bathroom that night, but before he knows it he's standing in front of the vanity mirror.

He takes his time, carefully unbuttoning his shirt and pulling it off of his shoulders. It was unusual for him to do this, he never really liked to see himself or his body. Perhaps he would never get used of seeing himself fully undressed.

He stares at himself for a long time, scanning over every inch of himself, his eyes lingering over the ugly scars covering his hips. He moves on, slowly searching up his body to find the rest of the scattered scars on his torso and upper arms. He fixates on one particular scar, it stretches long thick across the top of his arm. He thinks about the night it happened, what had lead him to that.

It was times like these that he regrets what he'd done to himself. He knew that anyone around him or even himself wouldn't have been able to stop it, at the time the help he needed was too far out of reach and he would never have told anybody he was struggling. Back then he would sit in his room for hours before anyone even bothered to check up on him, meanwhile he broke down mentally and physically.

Felix stands in front of the mirror, only his upper body on display. He doesn't bother taking his pants off, he knows too well what is hidden under those. He starts moving, twisting his body in all different positions to see how the scars change shape.

He stops his movements when he hears the front door open and shut, though still staying put in the bathroom when he hears Changbin's voice call out to him.

Without missing a beat Changbin is in the bathroom. Felix still stays put, making sure to avoid eye contact in the mirror, though he can feel the others' eyes burning into him.

"Are you ok?" Changbin asks.

They both know it's a bit of a stupid question, Felix might be a lot better than he used to be but there will always be bad days. They usually started out like this.

"I'm ok." He replies, a strain to his voice. He has a feeling Changbin doesn't believe him, but at this point he's more distracted by what's in front of him.

"If it's a bad day and you don't want to tell me, that's ok. You know I'm here with you." Changbin says gently, loosely hugging Felix from behind.

It had always been hard on both of them, Changbin has his own issues and as much as they would always support each other it would never be that easy. But they were here, they will do anything to help.

"You know all this—" Changbin puts his hands over a few of the scars, "—it's ok. You went through a really tough time but you're better now. It's in the past, you did one of the most brave things I can think of and got the help you knew you needed. I know some days still aren't great but you've come a long way from this." He finishes, gesturing to the scars again.

Felix takes a deep breath and tears his eyes off of the mirror, leaning his head back onto Changbin's shoulder. They didn't say anything else for a little while, when Felix felt his eyes start to burn the other puts his shirt back on for him and leads both of them into the lounge room.

"I don't know what's wrong with me." Felix eventually whispers. "I look at myself and all I can think about is how stupid I was. I can't even— I'll never be able wear short sleeves."

Changbin pulls him closer, running his hands through his hair and wiping his eyes. "You weren't stupid. You were going through something that a lot people couldn't imagine, and you came out of it stronger than anyone I know." Changbin pulls him closer still. "It might take some time, but one day I know you'll be comfortable wearing whatever you want."

Changbin is happy when Felix smiles back, even though it is naive to think that confidence is the only thing keeping him from wearing what he wants. "Thank you, but I just... I don't think it'll happen. I don't want people to look at me and— I don't want this to be the thing about me that sticks in peoples minds. If I even took my shirt off at the beach I wouldn't be able to handle the stares. I know people would, and that's worse than them saying something."

"You know it doesn't matter what other people think. You're allowed to wear what you want where you want, what other people say or think about it isn't your problem." Felix doesn't reply to that.

Deep down the truth that no one will really care that much lingers in him. It's another insecurity, on top of all the ones he already has, but he made this one for himself. At this point he had a feeling that no matter what Changbin says about it or how much he convinces himself it will be fine, Felix won't be wearing short sleeves any time soon.

They stay close for the rest of the evening, Changbin scared that Felix is falling back into his old ways and Felix scared of losing himself again. Despite everything, they always pick the other up when they need it.