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Suman POV

For a few days, I was angry and beyond mad at him. I could not believe he left me alone when I was crying and begging him to stay. I needed him the most when I did not know what was wrong with him. I needed him to hold me tight.

I was waiting for him to come back. It had been days and suddenly weeks, and now it was more than eight months since he had been gone.

After a few months, my anger calmed, and I started returning to my daily life. The smile that had suddenly vanished off my lips was slowly returning with the chain of events happening in the Kingdom.

Princess Rudraja was growing up. She started eating food and became a bubbly, stubborn, and active child. When Nandani would get tired, I would take her with me. I did not know, but she always reminded me of her Kaakusa.

I would talk to, laugh, and play with her most of the time. Her birthday was close, but not very close.

Kunwarsa had been in Mehrangarh since he left while Princess Rashmika was in Suryagarh. Upon their request to Ranaji, they both refused to get married.

Meanwhile, I learned that there is something known as having feelings for a woman by a woman. I was shocked when I first learned this.

But Nandani explained to me, and then I understood that Princess Rashmika and Kunwarsa never had feelings for each other. She loved someone else, and that someone else was a woman.

After knowing that, I felt foolish. Very, very, very stupid.

I hoped I had listened to Kunwarsa that day and tried to believe him when he said they were just friends.

But let bygones be bygones.

Surprisingly, after he left and after all the time I had spent alone, missing him, not emotionally but lovingly and admiringly, I realised something different in me.

Now, it was calm. It was silent all of a sudden.

After he left me, I understood what had happened to me. I learned that despite telling him that I would never judge him or that his past would never matter to me, it did. Because I was feeling for him. I was developing a love for him.

When I married my dead husband, I also told him that his past did not matter to me. I was a happy girl then; I did not know what heartbreak meant. I did not know what power my dead husband held to break me.

But this time, when I told the same thing to Kunwar Agastya, I was not a happy girl but a suffering woman who knew what this man could do to me. That was where my insecurity and distrust built up.

Unknowingly, whatever he told me about his past, I unconsciously placed myself in one of that woman's shoes with whom he slept and left. But, I failed to understand that it was consensual as those women also did not want anything else from Kunwarsa.

Meanwhile, Kunwarsa was not telling me all of that to hurt me or make me one of those. I failed to understand that he was telling me because he sought comfort. He told me to get off his burden and make me feel more important in his life. He told me to make me think that I was the one who deserved to know it. He wanted to make me believe that I was the one.

But instead, I messed up badly- and ended up doing things I would never do to anyone else.

I was so engrossed in my fear of getting hurt and pushing him away that I ended up hurting him. Nandani, and he was right. I made it all about myself when it was not.

He was always helpful, loving, caring and responsible to me.

And I ended up calling him similar to my dead husband. Which he was not.

I was measuring this one parameter between them. The word man whore was a traumatic one for me. I could not focus on anything else when it entered my body.

I could not think above or less from it. I could not sense or work out in what way and with what intention Kunwarsa was telling me.

And, genuinely, I was wrong. He was not.

I did not trust him when he repeatedly sang in front of me that Princess Rashmika loved someone else.

I chose to trust in my eyes. And even trust in only what I knew would bring me pain.

With my eyes, I also saw him caring about me, fighting for me, loving me, making me happy, laughing with me, and bringing bliss to my life, but due to my insecurities, I ended up believing in the other things I had seen in my eyes.

There, I could have gone better.

And, in all of these months, I understood that, just like me, he went from something traumatic and unhappy, too. And, even though mine was more painful, it did not mean he was any less.

Still, he was there to protect, care about, and never make me feel wrong about me.

Now, I was happy. I had discovered what was wrong with me, and I was working on it.

Honestly, I understood very late that the problem was not in him but in me; if there had been any man other than him, even someone who had never been in a relationship with any woman, I would have reacted the same.

So I did not need to taunt them about his past and make him feel bad about it.

But I think he knew; he knew what was happening to me. Thankfully, he left to give me time to help me think.

If he had been here, I would have never understood what his presence meant in my life or what his care, love, and affection were worth. But, all in all, it was getting better.

Another three months passed, and Princess started to speak a few words. Non-understandable.

She was beautiful, and there was good news. Princess Aishwarya was now two months pregnant. Kunwarsa did not know about it.

He was busy in Mehrangarh, implementing the new rules and policies and looking after the Kingdom. Princess Rashmika seemed happy, but I still did not know who she loved.

He was not very frequent when it came to letters. He was only sending them to Ranaji. Nandani asked me a few times if I wanted to call him back. She told me he would if she asked Ranaji to bring him back. But I denied it.

Now, I wanted to respect his decision as he respected mine.

Honestly, I was missing him very badly.

Tomorrow was Princess's first birthday. I knew he would come not for anyone but for her. She was his favourite child, after all.

I felt a strange happiness bubbling inside me. I was under my comforter. It was past midnight, and I could not sleep anymore.

I did not know what I would do seeing him, and I did not know what he would do seeing me. Would he still be upset about it? Would he be happy seeing me? Would he be missing me, too?

I did not know. But I wanted to see him with grown hair now. I did not like the trimmed one. It intimidated me dangerously.

I did not know if he would ask me if I was okay.

I did not know what was happening to me.

I could not sleep the whole night. I was feeling butterflies and knots in my stomach.

I left bed early, and even the attendees woke up earlier. It was a celebration in the Kingdom- the Princess' first birthday.

The Kingdom started to fill with guests. King Abhinandan and his family arrived, and even the people from Songarh came, and it seemed like there was this whole celebration going on.

But my heart was fluttering for this one man.

"Suman,"

Nandani called me out, and I turned to look at her.

"Are all the guests' rooms done?" she asked me, settling the dupatta on her head after feeding Princess and putting her back to sleep.

I nodded with a smile.

"Yes, all are done,"

I said, and she walked towards me and hugged me gently before cupping my cheek.

"Kunwarsa Agastya aaenge aaj to, to thoda taiyaar ho jao,"

"Kunwarsa Agastya will arrive today, so get a little ready,"

She said, and I smiled, shaking my head.

"It's okay. I am good," I said, returning to continue working on the ladoos I made with the attendees in Nandani's chamber's resting area.

The whole kitchen was flooded.

I did not know, but I did not want his attention anymore. I was happy like this.

"Is Kunwar Agastya's chamber ready and cleaned?" I heard Nandani ask the other attendee, and she raised her voice slightly.

"What are you doing? Do it quick," she said, and I just smiled, looking at the ladoos I was making.

All I wanted was for him to look at me with love-filled eyes for once. My Shringhaar would be done, and my responsibilities would be fulfilled.

I did not know that Nandani left with all the attendees as an essential guest arriving in the Kingdom.

Suddenly, my ear was alerted when I heard Princess crying. I looked around to see that no close attendee was there. Where the hell did it all go?

I stood up and washed my hands quickly before entering Nandani's bedroom and walking to Princess.

Well, only some were allowed to touch her. The attendees could look after her and inform Nandani but could not go close to her due to security reasons.

"Awww, my baby,"

I called with a smile and lifted Princess in my arms. She was crying, and I started to pat her back gently.

"What happened to my sweet little pumpkin? Maasa, you need your Maasa?" . I brought her out in my arms, and all she did was cry.

"Aaeeeeee, aaaaaaaatttttaaaaaaattttttaa, ummmmmmmmm,"

"Awww, baby, calm down; she will be back. You want to eat sweet?"

I asked and made her look at me. She made faces, and I wiped her fake tears.

"Awww, you had some bad dream? Do not worry; your Baapusa will kill all the demons, even those in your dreams," I muttered slowly, and she turned her gaze towards Laddoos.

"Taaaaaattttoooooooooooooo, Aaaaaaaattttttttaaaaattaaaaaa,"

She cried out and started to lean down to them.

I sighed and put her down. I saw her putting her hands into the ladoos plate. I smiled, looked at her, and sat beside her.

"Oh, you want to make sweets for your birthday for yourself?"

I asked, indulging back into making the ladoos and heard her talking.

"Aatttaaaataaaaaaaa,"

I smiled and saw her tasting them and messing her fingers into them.

"How does it taste, Princess?" I asked, smiling at her. She looked at me with widened eyes and smiled, having the sweets.

Like uncle like niece. Always hungry for sweets.

A crimson blush appeared on my cheeks, reminding me of a few of our sweet encounters. Suddenly, Princess started to crawl and placed her hands on my thighs to lift herself.

She had started to crawl and stand on her own now.

"What happened? Baby?" I asked, feeling her placing her hands on my shoulder and back. Suddenly, my dupatta slipped down, and I chuckled.

"What are you doing, my Princess?" I asked, feeling her tiny hands on my back, taking help to walk a little.

And, suddenly, she fell to her bum.

"Aatttttaaaaaatttttaaaaaaa," She said and I laughed a little. I never understood what this means.

I kept focusing on making ladoos while my mind was feeling her tiny hands on my back, trying to lift herself to her feet again. I felt her fingers hooking in my blouse, and suddenly, I thought, she held the string of my blouse and pulled it open.

"Princess," I immediately said in a slow voice, and the blouse loosened even more as I tried to turn behind.

I looked at her, and she smiled, showing her small little teeth, and did again.

"Aaatttaaaattaa,"

Then she turned her head away and laughed, slapping her hands on the floor, and I heard a small chuckle.

My heartbeat stopped when my gaze lifted, and I looked at him, sitting two metres away, smiling at Princess. He had grown his hair and seemed even more muscular, and I gulped, noticing him in black attire.

Was it a dream?

He lifted his gaze to look at me, and I felt like I got pregnant all of a sudden just with the eye contact.

His green eyes looked intensely into mine as he pulled Princess into his arms, and suddenly, I heard Ranaji's voice.

"Aree, Agastya, aa gae aap?"

"Oh, Agastya, you are back?"

I immediately pulled my dupatta and stood up, running from there.

While hearing Princess' faded voice.

"Luuuuullllllllllllllll, taaaaaataaaaaaaaaaaa,"

I entered the corner and held an attendee's hand to ask her to tie my blouse's strings.

Did he ask Princess to do that?

What?

How?

And why?

Just by looking into his green eyes for once, almost after a year, I felt a flower blossom in me all over again.

My heart, which seemed calm and resting in peace, suddenly jerked open and is now beating fast for him.

I did not know what kind of power he held over me. It all began with needing him for comfort and protection and then turned into wanting him more and more, blindly, at any cost that it started hurting me, and when he left, I thought that maybe I would manage to get over him or at least make peace with him, here we again.

But I did not want to talk to him. Not after whatever I did to him. I still did not know if I was good for him now or not. I did not want to hurt him anymore.

I gulped and silently walked to the kitchen to look after the preparations.

Nandani sent attendees to call me for the Hawan and donation ceremony, but I kept telling them I would join in sometimes, but I was busy with something urgent.

And, suddenly, she came by herself.

"Suman, what the hell are you doing?"

I lifted my gaze from the dough kneaded for the guests' Pooris and looked in her direction. She looked beautiful in orange attire, and I planted an embarrassed smile and tried to say.

"The cooks are busy, and I need more here," I gulped. I did not know why I was trying to hide.

"Shut up," she said. She held my hand to take me out of the kitchen and asked me to wash my hands once we reached her chamber.

Everyone was outside, and I did not know why she brought me here.

"Change," She said, widening her eyes, and I shook my head slightly.

"Nandani, seriously, I am not feeling like it. So much work is pending, and I am menstruating too,"

I tried to lie, and she stopped to look into my eyes.

"Oh, I did not know," She muttered. "Um, you should take a rest then. Do not work,"

She said, and I immediately regretted saying it.

"No, No, I am perfectly fine. It's Princess' birthday. I want to be part of it. Plus, the Kingdom is flooded with guests, but you know,"

I inhaled deeply, and he gulped. He smiled and cupped my cheeks to make me look at her.

"You are trying to escape from him," she said in relatively simpler words. I tried to shake my head but eventually closed my eyes, agreeing.

In a direct language. I was doing this exactly.

"But why? It is not like he will eat you," She said, and I opened my eyes to look at her.

"Trust me; he is busy with Rudraja, Rudra, Prince Ranvijay, Nandan and the guests. He did not even get the time to talk to me properly. They are discussing over politics. So, calm down,"

She said, gently patting my hands. I tried to nod.

"Alright," I muttered.

"Now, get ready. What would I tell Rudraja once she gets older? What was her Maasima and Kaakisa doing on her first birthday, hiding from her Kaakusa?" She said, and I could not stop myself from chuckling slightly.

"Please, Nandani," I managed to say, holding her hands in mine.

"You know, I am not family and never will be. Do not make me see the dreams; I am trying to forget. I messed up, and he does not want me anymore," I tried to say, and she stepped closer.

"Tumhe bada pata hai unhe kya chahiye or kya nahi. Pichle ek saal me aath rishte thukra chuke hai vo. Jab se Mehrangarh ka yudh jeeta hai tabse aath rishte, samajhti ho kitne hote hai. Sabke liye mana kar diya hai unhone,"

"Oh, so you know what he wants or what now. He has rejected eight marriage alliances in the last year. Ever since he won the war of Mehrangarh, he rejected eight girls. Do you understand how many are these? He rejected all of them,"

She said, and I lowered my fluttering gaze and bit on my lips.

"But I might hurt him more, or what if he does not want me anymore?" I tried to ask, but she inhaled deeply and made me look at her.

"Rudra bhi yahi soch lete na ki, kya pata Nandani ko me chahiye bhi ya nahi or hume dard denge to aaj vo Ranaji bhi nahi hote, hamare pati bhi nahi hote, or Rudraja bhi paida nahi hui hoti,"

"If Rudra also had thought like you that, maybe Nandani does not want me, or he might hurt me more, then maybe he would not be the King, neither my husband nor even Rudraja would not have been born,"

She said, and I lowered my gaze with mixed emotions. She placed her hand on my chin and made me look into her eyes.

"Do you know what you want now? Do you have that clarity with you? Suman," she asked. I looked at her face for a few moments and nodded my head slowly.

"What is it?" she asked, and I bit the inside of my lips and blinked silently before answering.

"I want him, and I think more than wanting, I need him, Nandani. He is the one who can handle me and hold me together. I mean, imagine he made me insane for him. What kind of power does he hold over me?" My voice came out slow, and she smiled, looking at me.

"Do you love him?" She asked, and I nodded slowly.

"I do, and now I know why it happened – because I love him," I said slowly, and she kissed my forehead and caressed my cheek gently.

"Then, it's worth fighting, Suman. All he wants is you, happy and healthy. Prove him that you are happy and healthy with him, not without him," She said, and I asked in a slow voice.

"How can I prove him? Nandani," my voice turned slightly hoarse, and a lump collected in my throat. She smiled weakly, looking at me.

"When you have figured it out this much, you will know more, too, " she said, and suddenly, we heard.

"Bhabhisa,"

Hearing his voice from outside the chamber, I felt butterflies in my stomach. I lowered my gaze and corrected my dupatta when Nandani replied.

"You can come in, Devarsa,"

I looked at her, and she just smiled at me. I turned my face away and started to indulge myself in fixing the misplaced things, and I heard him saying.

"It seems like Papaya needs her meal. She is crying a little and feeling irritated,"

"Aaaeeeeeettttaaaaaaaa, aaaaaammaaaaaaaaa," Princess cried, and I heard Nandani's anklet voice as she walked towards him.

I did not dare to turn to look at him as I knew I would look at him for one more time, and I would end up breaking into cries badly.

My heart sank more profoundly, and I looked at my fingers trembling and shaking.

I could not believe how and when I fell for him this badly. The closeness with him was overwhelming, and so was the distance.

"Aww, my baby, why were you crying, hnn?" Nandani asked, and I heard the princess reply.

"Aaeeettttaaaaaaaattttaaaaaaaaaa,"

I gulped and lowered my gaze, and suddenly Nandani said.

"Suman, can you bring some warm water?"

I knew she did it on purpose. He would not have noticed me there, but he knew I was there when she took my name.

I turned slowly and tried not to look at him. I looked only at Nandani, nodding slowly.

I immediately tried to rush out of the room. But not too fast that it would show people that I was being insane.

I was walking fast through the gallery, my fingers fidgeting against the end of my dupatta.

And suddenly, I felt my hand being held by the solid yet gentle hold.

I turned back, and my eyes widened with a slight shock. My heartbeat raced wild as I looked into his eyes.

I felt my fingers shaking badly, and my eyes suddenly collected tears. Warmth rushed to my cheeks as I looked into his eyes. The memories of his warm comfort, voice, and everything I was missing and craving blurred my mind.

He stepped closer, and I felt his arm wrapping around my waist. Slowly, he pulled me up in his arms.

My chest visibly rose up and down with each breath intake, and my hand snaked around his neck to support my weight.

Suddenly, the world disappeared with his presence, and I felt his arm on my back, gently pulling me closer to his chest.

My eyes blinked nervously, and I wrapped my other arm around his neck. His cologne filled me in, giving rebirth to every dead portion of me. My fingers went into his hair, fisting, pulling him even closer, and my lashes forced close, unable to hold the flood of tears awaiting the dams of my eyes.

I broke into cries.

I squeezed into his arms and broke into tears.

"I hate you so much," My voice turned hoarse and trembling, and he pressed his cheek against my cheek and pressed his lips against my neck.

"I hate you too, so fucking much," his slow and crying voice made me cry even more, and I felt him taking me to his chamber.

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