Trigger Warning : Mention of suicide and bullying .

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While on my way to Eric's I stopped by Neil as usual. It was the only thing I did every Sunday no matter rain, hail or storm. He always had been my comfort zone. I would tell him about my week and my plans for the one to come. I never forgot him about all the new things I had learned to cook. He was a foodie, he loved hearing about my cooking adventures and mishaps. Or at least he would have if he were still here. I was never really fond of cooking but later, I took genuine interest in food because that was my way of remembering him and in a way keeping him alive in this world.

We used to be each other's confidants and years after his death, I had not changed that because he should have been alive and here with me today. In no way did he deserve the fate that ultimately became his. Everybody pretends that it was his choice but in so many ways it was not. We were sixteen and he was being brutally bullied in school for being a trans boy and his parents threatened to disown him if he refused the conversion therapy. But he was never Natalie, he was Neil and would always be Neil. No amount of therapy was going to change that. It was just torture for him. He never told anyone. He suffered in silence because he believed he deserved it. And then one day, He had had enough. He wrote a letter to me apologising for what he was going to do and why he was going to do it. I was too late to stop him...

His family did not even have a funeral for him. My parents did that because they always believed he was like a son to them. My Neil. My Neil who should have been here today.

There were very few people in my life who knew about Neil. I never told anyone because It remains to this day one of the most painful memories of my life and also partly because I feel ashamed. Somewhere deep down in me I believe I could have done more. I could have saved him. Somewhere, I continue to blame myself for what happened. Could I have somehow avoided it?

I cry every time I am at his grave. I myself could ever understand why but the tears just flow and I do not feel the need to question them. I am the only one who ever visits him. I am his family. I bring him flowers, different ones each Sunday because he never got a chance to tell me which were his favourites.

"Hey." Her voice was gentle and soft as always. "Eric said you'd be here." she placed one hand on my shoulder. "I was worried when you didn't show up for brunch. Eric is pretty annoyed that you didn't show. You should probably call him. You know how vindictive he can get when he's angry." she gave a small laugh. I knew what she was trying to do. I saw through her act. There was no cheering me up. Not today. Especially not today and definitely not by her.

I responded to none of it. Tears were furiously streaming down my face. I did not want her to see me like this, a broken person, a helpless damsel who needed saving, an oversensitive drama queen. She would think me stupid for crying if she knew the reason behind these tears. I did not deserve her company and maybe a part of me did not want her company. I wanted to wallow in my sorrow and pain as I always had; alone.

I had been alone in the park before she showed up. Now, here she was, sitting there with me in silence as I tried to cry as quietly as possible. She did not say a word but her hand slowly moved from my shoulder to my hand and held it. Her touch was so gentle and warm and familiar that it felt as if it were my own hand. I did not let go because in all honesty, I needed that support even if I did not want it and I did not have the heart to push away the warmth of comfort... especially hers. This moment was special. It felt right. It felt as if I was back home. I wanted it to never end.

Why was the universe doing me this kindness? I deserved none of it. I was a terrible person. I did not deserve even a shrivel of the comfort Ariel was providing. I did not deserve the support she was providing by sitting here with me when she could have been doing better things on a Sunday. I did not deserve... her.

"I'm sorry about this. I'm a terrible person, I've ruined your day too!" The tears hadn't stopped. I couldn't make them stop even though I wanted to more than anything. The tears were today's inevitability. No. The tears were my life's inevitability.

She looked into my eyes, her gaze was welcoming and looking into tem felt like being under the summer sun, surrounded by the cool breeze. "You're not a terrible person. You're the best person I know."

"Clearly you need to meet better people."

She laughed but shook her head. I smiled looking at her. The tears seemed to have miraculously stopped. It seemed as if she had some sort of magical powers that made my body respond to her when it refused to listen to me. She pulled me into a hug. Being in her arms was so reassuring that there could be an apocalypse happening around us right now but I would believe that I was alright. But the reality of her arms brought me back, I was hurting and there was no denying that. With my head resting on her shoulders, the tears flowed again.

"Will you please tell me what's wrong?" She wiped my tears with her hands and pulled me in another hug.

I told her I had a bad date. LIE! I told her that the person turned out to be an asshole and I regretted ever going. LIE!

I told her I wished she did not have to pack yesterday because we missed Tequila Night. The only truth.

I hated lying to her. It hurt my heart. But what else was I to do? Tell her the truth perhaps? How was I to do that? The truth was that I did not want her to go. I wanted her to stay. Pure and simple.

It is Oscar Wilde who said that the truth is rarely pure and never simple. I agreed. I agreed because nothing could explain or justify why I had cried so much over such a trivial matter. Even I could not. It was not that she was leaving forever. She was just going to visit her grandmother and then on a few magazine related travels for a couple of months.

Attachment is not usually my vice, detachment is. I like to live out of the circle of reality in my own bubble, safe and sound. I rarely ever step into reality. I only ever let people into my bubble of safety. Ariel made me brave. Being around her made me trust reality for the first time in a long time. I wish my parents had lived long enough to see me here today. They would have been so proud.

I hated myself for wanting her to stay. Who was I? I did not recognize myself. I was being extremely selfish. My surprise lay more in the fact that I was, all of a sudden, brave enough to be selfish because to be selfish, one needs to know and accept what they want and that they want it all to themselves. This was in a way, my admission to myself.

"I want to make you feel better! Tell me what can I do?"

The word was lingering on my lips just waiting to be spoken, wanting to be spoken, needing to be spoken. STAY. But I wasn't brave enough to actually speak it. I knew she would hate me if I told the truth. So I did not.

Instead I told her that there was nothing she could do. That it wasn't her fault and she did not need to fix this. She did not need to fix me. It was harsh but that was all I knew how to do at this point. Push her away to justify the hurt. Otherwise, what reason did I have for sleepless nights and the tears streaming down my face?

She did not say anything but she did not remove her hand from mine either. "I'm leaving tomorrow. First, I'll go to see my grandmother and then I have a few places to visit for the magazine." Her tone made it seem as if she wanted me to go with her.

"I know..." I meant for it to show indifference. To prove to myself and her that I did not care. I wished to entertain no false notions that could give me any kind of false hope.

She rested her head on my shoulder. "Tell me something about you. Something you haven't told anyone."

My heart melted at her request. Her voice was so sincere and yet there was something painful in it. For a second, I said nothing because I did not know what to tell her. The only thing on my mind right at this moment was, Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay. Stay...

I told her about Neil. I did not realise when my mouth had started forming words and when it had all come out of me but it had and now she knew. When I fully regained my grasp of reality, we were no longer in the park. We were sitting by Neil. Somehow, her hand was still in mine and there was a single sunflower on his grave. I had never gotten him sunflowers in all these years.

In sitting with her and Neil, I realised why I wanted her to stay. I was afraid of losing her. I had lost a lot of people very early on in life and I had never let anyone get this close to me. She somehow had managed that without me ever intending for it to happen. And now that the book was done and she had sent it to her editor, my work was mostly done. This goodbye was a long time coming. The inevitable end to whatever it is that we had, was finally here. We would always remain friends but there was no doubt that we would grow apart now that we weren't constantly together. Everything was going to change, she was leaving.

I wish I had been brave enough to tell her because what followed was six months of radio silence. She kept updating me about the status of her book but that was it. Never anything more. Never anything other than what was absolutely necessary.

I glanced at the time. I did not have a lot of time to spend with Neil right now. I decided that I would leave him the flowers and then come back later to have a proper chat after brunch was done. I had food with me and Eric would be furious If I did not arrive before everyone else to help him set up.

What I recieved next was the biggest surprise of my life.

There was a sunflower on his grave today. Ariel. I could not believe my eyes. She remembered. After all this time, she remembered. There was nobody but me left to remember him after my parents had passed away. It was as if even in after life, he had achieved to make a new friend.

Sometimes we tend to underestimate people and the compassion they have for other humans dead or alive. We are capable of true miracles but we tend to flow with the current into the mundanities of everyday life. Miracles are happening all around us but we are too busy and closed minded to see them. Miracles do not have to be some sort of divine interventions that leave you astounded and make you question your life. I believe miracles are small kindnesses a living being does for another when they have nothing to gain in return. Miracles leave you feeling warm and restore your faith in humanity.

To me, the fact that a dead guy had made a friend was a miracle. When he was alive, he was ridiculed, hated even but now, years after his death, he has a friend who does not even know him but leaves him flowers. Not just any flower, but sunflowers, to make his day brighter.

This is Ariel's unwitting kindness to me.

I thought about the envelope in my bag, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea after all.