None of this is real. All of it is an elaborate fantasy created by my mind to cope with something I wanted but never got. I was never resentful but I always wanted to know what it would have felt like. I am but human, nothing more. I wanted to know what it would have felt like to hold her in the moment and to kiss her as if it were my last day on earth.

None of it ever really happened. This fantasy became my only connection to her.This weekend that changed my life and taught me to be brave was just a fantasy that I wanted desperately to be true. It is not. It is not true. IT IS NOT TRUE.

No matter how many times I tell myself that, I cannot accept it because I am, in fact lying. I have always thought of it as a wild fantasy because it made everything easier. And I would be lying if I did not acknowledge that it certainly felt like one. The best weekend of my life. The weekend I was set free. I wish time would stop right there and Monday morning would never come and nothing would ever move forward so I, and dare I say, we could be stuck in the best moment eternity had to offer us.

NO. I cannot lie to myself anymore. It was all real. It really happened.

You cannot deny the inevitability of life and neither can you run from it. Just like death is inevitable for each and every one of us, for me, this is one memory where I inevitably end up no matter how hard I try pushing it from my mind. It is not a sad memory by any means and yet, I do not like to dwell on it for too long because I tend to get stuck in a 'What if' world and that is a complete waste of time because it can alter nothing. I cannot change the past but if anything, I am grateful for now and everything that it has to offer.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery. Today is all I have.

That single lost moment at the party changed everything for me. It showed me a possibility. I could not wait around anymore. I waited once and I almost lost her. I was not about to lose this chance now. Whatever happened, I would be okay with it but it would kill me if I never said anything. I would regret it till the end of my days. It would fill my head with vitriol and that would endanger the relationship we already had.

I took her to my grandfather's cabin. I had not been there since my parentents passed away. I had some good memories here. I did not have the courage to face everything I left behind here. I could picture my mother smiling just with the knowledge of the fact that I had chosen to come back here. This was our vacation spot. Neil would also accompany us sometimes. My grandfather adored him and would insist that he come with us. Neil, Emma and I had some of the best times of our lives here. Our pictures were all around the cabin.

As the cabin dew closer, I wanted nothing more than to turn around and drive away. As far away as I could possibly go. Too many memories. Too many people who should have been alive but were not. I needed to put on a brave face in front of Ariel but at the mere thought of the cabin, my eyes welled up with tears. Why had I thought this was a good idea?

The cabin was not very big. It was on a hill, on the outskirts of town. It had one bedroom which had a tiny attached bathroom, a living room and a small kitchen. It had a balcony, which was relatively big, that overlooked the other side of the hill, into the valley below. This valley was the reason I had decided to bring Ariel here. As a child I had never really paid attention to it but I knew she would love the view.

The valley below was a sunflower farm. There were only sunflowers wherever the eyes dared to venture. Because this field of sunflowers was her idea of heaven, it was in extension my heaven. That was because she was my heaven. I had become attached to her without really realising it and now, a mere mention of her name put a smile on my face that could last for hours. Loving her was effortless, a natural response of the body; just like breathing.

I came here on Saturday and cleaned everything up in preparation of her arrival on Sunday. I also cried that night, probably more than I ever have in my life; even more than when I lost my family. The memories were too overwhelming. I had not realised how much of that loss I had locked away. Unwittingly, I missed the four of them everyday. Thank god I still had my little sister. I do not think I would have survived, first losing Neil and our grandfather the year later and our parents two years after that without Emma being there every step of the way.

Ariel arrived early the following morning and I will always be unable to forget the enchanting smile that permanently lodged itself on her face when I showed her the sunflower field covered in a wispy, early morning mist. We rarely left the spot after that. While I made coffee for us, Ariel had moved the table from the living room to the balcony.

There was a slow, cool breeze blowing. It reminded me of Ariel's party the previous Sunday.

I studied her. Sitting across me, smiling and her eyes closed, feeling the cool breeze. I loved the way she took in every second of every minute. It took me back to our first Tequila night when she had done it for the first time. Later, I had made it a point to ask her why she did it. She told me she did it whenever she wanted something to go on forever. Slowing down and taking it one second at a time, gave her the illusion of having more time. I remember feeling flattered that she wanted more time with me but in that I had missed the point of that little ritual.

All our lives we are in such a hurry, impatiently waiting for things to happen that we forget to fully experience them. We forget to let them happen to us. We neglect their glory because we are fixated on the next big thing without so much a single fleeting thought about now. If there is anything I learnt from the last six months is that there is glory in every emotion that we feel, only if we are willing to experience it to the fullest. Otherwise life is nothing but despair that we continue existing in. A kind of comatose state.

Today was important but looking at her reminded me to slow down. To feel the breeze as it blew gently caressing my face and to listen for the music in the rustling leaves, even though it seemed fanciful, it was real. We have just never stopped long enough to be able to hear it.

And just like that, this place which yesterday and all those years prior had seemed to me, hellish was transformed into a paradise.

Ariel.

The cool breeze

Takes my breath away,

I can hear it's song ,

As it makes the trees sway.

I'm flying high,

Living off your infectious smiles,

I'm drowning deep,

Into the ocean of your keen eyes.

I am a leaf in the wind,

Soaring high and free,

You are the wind,

Safely holding me.

Help me look away,

Enchanted by mesmerising beauty,

You like this enchanting horizon,

Within reach yet far away.

"This is beautiful! You should put this in a book!" Ariel had somehow gotten her hands on my old poetry book and was reading through it. "In fact, all of these belong in a book!" She waved the book at me, grinning ear to ear. There was a child-like wonder in her eyes; A gleam that almost made it seem as if she had found some kind of treasure. My old poetry hardly qualified as treasure and in my professional opinion, it hardly qualified as poetry.

"Please don't read through that! I wrote those when I was nineteen! They're terrible!"

"You're too hard on yourself. I stand by what I said. You should put these in a book. They're breathtaking!"

We were enjoying the sunset with wine. A perfect end to the most amazing weekend. Tomorrow morning we would go back to our lives and wonder whether this weekend was merely a dream. She began reciting the poetry one after another and I could not help but watch her as she put all of her emotion in the words I did not even care to remember. She breathed life into a part of me that, I believed, had died long ago along with my parents.

She was mesmerising. The way the light from the setting sun hit her face made it seem as if she had a divine aura. I was entranced with the way she smiled and the way she spoke words, regarding them with the same emotion and dignity as one would, an actual person.

"Can I kiss you?" The words were out of my mouth before I could completely comprehend anything at all. My lips had betrayed me, revealing the real reason I had invited her here. To tell her how I felt. To ask her whether she felt the same way. To say the words I could not bring myself to say at her party. And to bring back that moment from the party that was stolen from us.

She abruptly stopped reciting and looked at me with wide eyes as if to say WHAT?

I cursed myself. I had done it. I had ruined everything. There was no way I could come back from this now. I was embarrassed of myself and my thoughtless actions. I took a deep breath and opened my mouth to apologise.

The next thing I heard was a soft yes and in the next moment our lips were connected.

It was a brief kiss at the end of which Ariel seemed visibly flushed and her gaze was unable to meet mine. I gently tilted her chin upwards so that she could meet my eyes. She smiled, not saying anything. No words were necessary. The both of us knew just by looking at the other, everything we had wanted to say. I leaned in and kissed her again.

I felt free and without burden. Like a bird taking flight for the first time. I was soaring high in this twilight hour, filled with euphoria, completely intoxicated literally and on the pleasure of the moment. I continued flying through the starry night, high up with the moon basking in its light. I had not felt anything like this in a long time.

The best weekend of my life.

The early morning sunlight woke me the morning after. I found Ariel sitting up in bed beside me, her brows furrowed as if she were deep in thought. I sat up too, letting the blanket unclothed my body. A wave of cold hit me as I shed my only source of warmth.

"Ariel..." She looked up at me as my hand touched her bare shoulder. There were tears in her eyes. "Is everything alright?"

"Sylvia... there is something you need to know." Her eyes were filling with more tears as she spoke. Seeing them made my heartache but I did not want to interrupt her, so I simply caressed her cheek and let my hand rest there. She gently took it in hers and traced the lines on my palm as she spoke. "I'm moving."

"Oh..."

She tightly clutched my hand. "I have wanted us to happen for almost a year and now that I got what I wanted, I have to go. And I wish I could do it all but I can't. Everything is already too much for me and..." She struggled to keep her tears at bay and they began to flow.

I put my finger on her lips and squeezed the hand she was holding. "It's Okay..."

She pulled me into an embrace and began sobbing.

It was not okay. I was devastated but what else could I say? She was visibly distressed and causing her anymore pain would have been cruel.

"Ariel, It's okay. If we are meant to be, we will find our way back to ourselves just like you find your special corners in the world even though the world is so vast. Nothing is impossible."

Those were her words. Words that she had spoken to me when I needed to hear them and right now, she needed to hear them. Nothing is impossible. I needed to believe these words too. They were my hope.

We would have been perfect. Would have, Should have, Could have...

That was almost a year ago. That day remains the best day of my life. That day my entire life was flipped on its head. The day I decided to stop existing and start living.

At that second I was ready to do anything to be with Ariel but she was not ready. She had other priorities. Her life and herself. When was the last time I had that?

That weekend at the cabin brought back a million memories that I hadn't thought about for eleven years. I realised that my parents would not have wanted me to live like this. They were quite the rebels in their 20s and always wanted me to be happy above everything else. My father always told me he did not care what I did, who I became or how much money I made as long as I was a good person.

Every night before I went to bed, my mother would read me a poem by Emily Dickinson

If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain;

If I can ease one life the aching,

Or cool one pain,

Or help one fainting robin

Unto his nest again,

I shall not live in vain.

My parents would without a doubt be proud of where I was but I knew they would also be disappointed that I had made it to 31 without once leaving the country or dating and partying. And I spent the entire last year doing exactly this.

When Ariel left for the second time, I was sad but I felt no remorse. I was free. And just like I did not miss my second opportunity to tell her, I did not miss any opportunity in life after that. I took it, no matter the consequences.

I had stayed almost the same person for 10 years and it took me only a year after Ariel to completely change.

It is never too late to start living.