When winter ends, ice spikes, no matter how strong and sharp, has to melt. Either they can shimmer in the happy sunlight until the life wears out or they can tickle away in the cold dead of the night, silently. Either way, their time in the land of winter is over, it is time to say good bye.
Ragini sat in the empty lawn of Maheshwari Mansion, her fingers interweaved and resting on her lap, upon which lay the folder containing her divorce papers. Lakshya had handed them, with no more than a few well chosen words, clarifying she had no place in his life anymore.
As if, she would be emptying a spot she used to command. In truth Ragini was never a part of his life, he was simply reminding her of this fact. Truth no matter how less in dose is always bitter, sharp and agonizing. Just like the sun of the approaching spring. It scared her, just like the sun frightened the ice. She had held desperately in to the winter, even when the nature was against it. But now, there was no point in fighting, she had no more storms to bring, the seasons were changing.
With a sigh she thought how much she had underestimated her sister. Swara had outgrown the pawn she was in to an elegant, ruthless and cunning queen; not much unlike herself. She had out mastered her in her own game, with the help of her own pawns. Annapurana would listen to her no longer, Chandraraj would help her no longer and most importantly Lakshya would no longer love her.
Oh, how easy it would have been if she could change herself just like the nature does. She would have shed this spooky clothe of winter and adorn a cheerful robe of spring, all the coldness and the storms forgotten in the cherry bird songs.
But no, life can’t change seasons as fast as the nature does. She had willingly stepped in to this winter, and winter her life always shall be.
Absentmindedly she sensed someone taking a seat beside her, on the bench in the lawn where she sat.
‘Why did you do this Ragini?’ It was Lakshya. His tone was empty.
Ragini laughed a hallow laughter. ‘You wouldn’t understand me even if I told you. You and I, Laksh are different in the way we love. You’d burn in jealousy but never set ablaze the cause, I would alight everything but never burn myself.’
‘If you hadn’t fallen so low Ragini, perhaps I would have…’
‘No,’ Ragini cut in. ‘You wouldn’t have loved me. You would have loved what you think I was, not me. It is no different from loving your own self Laksh. I don’t want that kind of a love. I did not fall low; I fall deep, in love.’
‘Perhaps, you and I are not destined for love then.’
Ragini looked at him in bewilderment and then understanding etched across her face, her lips curled.
‘I can’t believe this. You asked her to come back in to your life didn’t you?’ She said slowly.
‘It doesn’t matter. She refused firmly. Asked me not to insult my love by reducing its reciprocation to alms given by her...’
‘She’s always the one to talk.’ Ragini said silently. ‘When sun comes stars become invisible. You were a star her sun is here.’
Laksh said no more as he stood up in silence, but he stopped after a few steps and turned around to see Ragini still gazing at the stars.
‘And the stars should know better than to love the moon.’
She did not reply as he left, even though in his anger he was still her friend. Ragini sighed again. Love had broken them beyond repair; perhaps they might lose this friendship soon too.
‘You won’t survive the taste of my wrath,’ Sanskar had said.
‘Sanskar was never my weakness but Lakshya is yours,’ were Swara’s words.
‘You showed me how dark my path is, snatched the only light I had, pushed me in to this eternal winter,’ Ragini muttered to herself as she opened the folder in her hand. ‘But I have just one storm left in my hand. It would make sure springs would never grace you either.’
*
Swara,
We started this journey with a letter you wrote for me, we shall end it with one I am writing to you. When I say end it, I mean to end everything in doing so I want to leave no ends untied. You might not see me again, or, in more accurate form see me as I am when I started writing this. But before I go in to that different phase I owe you another truth, of what makes me leave at the moment. You see, I no longer belong to your world in any sense. This world of ours has spared me no pain; even I could no longer withstand them.
Let me start at the beginning.
Ragini had used me only because I had let her. I was so blinded by my pain that I could not see the truth that was in front of me all along. When I realized this, it was already too late and I had inflected a deep wound on your heart. Then, I wished for nothing but heal you, restore you to what you truly were before I had intertwined your life. Even knowing that you were going to use me as a weapon, when you yourself had told me so; I let myself to be used, because I was ready to repent for everything I had done and to protect you from my self -made storm.
Then I did not realize what had pulled me to you. Well now I do. It was my own desire to heal myself and my subconscious knowing that you were the only person who would heal me. You started as the wizard of Aladdin who would sacrifice me to get him the lamp to the beauty in the beast’s castle, who was his only hope of breaking his curse. Let me admit something, I was glad you had not confined me to that couch. In your presence no nightmare bothered me; I slept as a toddler would, soundly safe in his innocent world, with you by my side. You healed me, broke the curse my first love had confined me to and melted some ice around my heart.
I am no blind man; I can see that you’re healed too. No matter how dark and hallow I find myself, somehow my presence had soothed some part of your pain. A part of our old camaraderie had returned. You were becoming the older self I had destroyed previously and managed to attract me even more towards you. But then I realized that your heart was still frozen somewhere. Everything I felt was so one sided. Did you really think I will not realize that you had me followed?
I’m not blaming you of cause. You did what you should have done. No one would trust someone who had ripped their trust apart that easily. But I can’t lie and say that it did not hurt. Then, I had made up my mind, I would be your sword until the end of it, and make sure nothing manages to hurt you on your way. The closer I went to you the more I understood that you were so well colored in the colors of the world around you. You are no longer the innocent girl who had been my best friend, but a queen, the queen of Maheshwaris. I had resolved not to become your weakness by making you attached to me once more.
The way you sometimes stared at me, the effect I had on you (you thought I did not notice right?) frightened me. I was supposed to heal you, not to become a drug to which you’re addicted. The moment this battle ends you should keep your sword down, there that’s it. But how will you do that if you become so emotionally involved?
I was your Karna, as you so bluntly said. Karna is supposed to die before Duryodana and his death should not matter to him as much as my possible death had shuttered you that night. It was then I realized how much we both depended on each other. That night you had voiced that thought. The queen is incomplete without a king and vice versa. Similarly I would not survive without you anymore. This Karna and Duryodana charade has to end for that.
Now I must tell you the part you are still oblivious about. That same night I met Ragini. She came a little after you had fallen asleep and handed me the proof she had so smartly erased from the note Kavita had handed her. And she smiled.
You know what she said? She said that doors of this world are closed for her forever now. She would no longer be the queen of Maheshwaris and had no place in their fortress. Her image was finally in front of everyone. I asked her why she was giving me this now. She smiled again and said it was the only liberation she had left. That she knew after this one truth I would no longer find myself suitable for this world either. She said, she was happy because she was not fated to this icy isolation alone, that I would be following her, that I would be no longer fit to take my beloved’s side as well.
Do you know what was in that Google drive? What I had found out about Kavi’s death?
The construction company she talked about belonged to Chandraraj Agrawal. Yes, Swara, my love was murdered by a man who shared my blood. And doing justice to her finally rested in my hands. I loathe myself to be saying this but I realize why he did what he did. In this world people tend to do such cruel deeds, I myself am no saint. I have destroyed my best friend’s life in order to achieve my ends; Ragini had tried to kill her own sister to gain her position. That is how this world runs.
If I wish to remain here, I would have to find a way to forgive Chndraraj, a deed I don’t think I can commit. The moment I punish him I would no longer be a part of this world, the world to which you belong. The world where it is winter forever... Do you understand what Ragini meant now? I cannot live with Kavi’s death on my conscious and neither can I survive knowing that it was this world we live which made Chndraraj do whatever he has done. Here I will not be able to hate him, instead I will end up hating myself.
If you would hate me for this, hate me with all your heart; for I am choosing Kavi over you for this last time. But first love is like that. It makes you a drop of dew glittering in the sunshine. You gleam in happiness until it consumes you in to nothingness. But I love you to a level where I cannot see you in pain without burning in agony myself. In this world I could give you no more than pain, because I myself will be suffering each moment I spend here. Here I will never be able to let Kavita go.
I hate this world of ours hence I am leaving it after I send this proof where it should go. I would find peace somewhere, an atmosphere which would eventually heal me I hope. I wish to love you with all my heart, for that I need to heal it first. This distance between us meanwhile will give you time enough to think.
We have no future in this winter land, which keep dragging us in to one storm and then another. It would eventually freeze our hearts and turn us in to a part of their icy decoration. Here we will never go beyond our under-conditions friendship and formal deals. Here Kavita will always be a part of me and keep my heart frozen in her memories. I wish to be Sanskar once again; Sanskar not Ice King and I want Swara not the Snow Queen by my side.
There, I said it. I love you. I am no coward I could have said this face to face, looking in to your eyes. But then I would not find the energy in me enough to leave you. But leave you I must, in order to give you enough space to think.
I want these dynamics of our relationship to change. Your friendship can’t satisfy me anymore. I want your love; in return I offer everything in my power to you. I don’t know if you are ready for this or not, I don’t know if you feel the same way about me or not, I am not sure what your response will be. But I know what I need and my intentions are very clear.
Before you decide get this in your head. I don’t want your pity. Your selfless desire to heal me should not pull you towards me anymore. I don’t want to be a part of your plans to help others either. I don’t wish to be your sword; no; that will not be done. My family’s need of a queen should not bind you to me either as it had done before. You see this was why I was so against them making matches between you and me. They see chess pieces in people; I don’t wish to be a chess piece. I am forsaking their crown once more. If you choose my side because you’re bound to since you’re the queen of Maheshwaris, you are free to go. I am no king and I offer you no gold chains that would tie us to each other. The Maheshwari Empire will not be the reason for us uniting again.
This is where I stand. I love you. But accepting or declining that love is utterly your decision. If you come you should come with your own wish. There should be no more reasons than your love for me, no more complications and misunderstandings. I know we are the two ends of the spectrum, so wrong for each other on many levels but perhaps destined to be together even then. I know I don’t deserve you; you’re far too fragile and innocent for me. But if you ever decide to come, I shall protect you all my life.
If you don’t come…Better live happily in your ice castle. May springs never bother you! But you can’t stop me from loving you and I will love you until I cease to exist. But I have had enough of this isolation, I don’t enjoy it anymore. So I do hope you will forsake this winter land. We will meet again, very soon, when I have found my peace and you have found your answer. You owe me that answer still.
Hopefully it’ll be spring when we meet again.
Sanskar
The morning light straps across the paper indeed reminded her that the spring was coming. Swara looked up and met the ever analyzing, wise gaze of Durga Prasad. He had regained consciousness two days ago and was recovering fast. Ram Prasad with occasional aid of Lakshya had told him everything that had taken place in his absence. Indeed he felt as if he had missed some high voltage drama, but was happy at the way how everything had fallen in to place finally. He had woken up to a better world. Swara had her family around her once more, Lakshya and Annapurna’s support at the board meetings had ensured Sanskar a safe passage to leave. She was not happy to see him go however. His letter had thrown her in to a new abyss.
‘He’s leaving isn’t he?’ Durga Prasad asked slowly. Swara looked at him surprised and he replied with a smile. ‘He came to see me right after Ram. We didn’t talk much, but it was a transparent conversation. I was glad to see him grown out of my shade.’
‘You approve this?’
‘He has fought his share of battles beta,’ the wise old voice answered. ‘He wants peace and love now. ‘He smiled at her. ‘He assured me our family ties will not be broken. He’s simply forsaking this empire. After all he does not need it anymore. Only fortunate gets a chance to outlive so many battles, then they deserve peace.’
‘But…’ Swara said cautiously. ‘I can’t become this person he wants me to.’
‘You don’t have to change. You have been this person all your life. Only you pretended to be someone else for the sake of responsibilities you were burdened with. He’s giving you a chance to really get acquainted with yourself. That is what love is, loving someone for what they truly are. He knows what you truly are; it is time for you to find out the same’
‘You want me to go?’
‘I want you to fly away, as every bird leaves its nest one day and meet the wide colorful world beyond. It is spring after all. This winter will never heal you. Once you to heal, perhaps you might think of returning, perhaps then spring might come here.’
*
Sanskar raised the curtains of his glass wall one last time. He wanted to see what was reflected there. He wanted to remember that image of his and change it completely. He had lived with the darkness too long, now was the time to let go, to welcome the dawn. The morning sunlight dazzled the dew soaked edges of the glass, bright and golden as if biding him farewell with bright smiles. He would not come here again. For the first time he watched his reflection outlined with dawn colors instead of the cold darkness.
Footsteps approached him, daring who it might be but masking it effectively he turned around. It was Swara, in her usual elegant self.
‘You came,’ he said slowly, not letting hopes color his tone much.
Suddenly Swara felt she could no longer hold his gaze, it was burning her. But she had to, if she wanted this conversation to go the way she wanted.
‘I had to,’ she replied casually. ‘Couldn’t let you leave without seeing me.’
‘Oh,’ said Sanskar. ‘You’re sending me off?’
‘In my land it is winter Sanskar. I am still frozen.’
‘Right,’ he said shortly. ‘Maybe I had hoped a little too much.’
He grabbed the handle of his luggage and brushed past her, his warmth against her cold skin created a thrill momentarily. With cold trembling fingers Swara held his wrist, making him stop on his tracks. He looked down at her puzzled and she flushed glittering in the crisp morning light. Their gazes were held by a magnetic force, trying to read unspoken words between them. She had not finished talking.
‘Melt me,’ Swara muttered softly placing her cold hand against his cheek, he closed his eyes responding to that faint touch as her lips found his, leaving the unspoken to be understood by their psyches once more entangling in conversation.
Her lips felt cold against his warm ones as they kissed under the winter sunlight dancing in straps of gold and silver and in the breeze there was the fragrance of spring.
*