The hall is already bustling with people when Edwin arrives. People are sitting around tables, drinking and talking, and the stage is full of empty chairs and music stands. Edwin stalls just beyond the rows of tables, no doubt blocking the way for people coming in, but he doesn't know where else to go. Should he just pick a seat? Vincent said he'd find him, that some of his friends would be there.

He almost regrets that he came. It's the Christmas concert of Vincent's orchestra, which means the audience is full of friends and family members of the musicians. It's not the type of concert you go to on your own, where you sit in neat rows of chairs and it doesn't matter who your neighbour is. If you pick a seat here, it's inevitably at a table with other people. He doesn't want to sit with strangers, waiting for Vincent to find him after the concert. It's the kind of thing he might have done for Ellen, but if you go to a friend's concert, you take mutual friends with you.

"Hey, Edwin! Over here!" Edwin's gaze stutters over the crowd and he catches someone waving and jogging towards him. Kim. He starts smiling when they stop in front of him.

"Nice to see you."

"Vincent will be so happy you came," they say. "It means a lot to him, you know. He doesn't say it, but his music is the only hobby he's never dropped since he was a child. He had to stand up to his parents to take lessons, too. Come on, Sumaya and I are over there. We saved you a seat." They slip through the crowd before Edwin can say anything. They knew he was coming? Vincent hadn't asked him, but he'd mentioned the concert and Edwin had offered. He likes concerts, and it's almost Christmas, and he knows what it's like to be on the other side, to be one of the musicians. But he wouldn't have known it was important to Vincent, that people came, that he came. Vincent's glee had been no different than when he's teasing Edwin, watching a movie he enjoys, when Edwin likes one of his cocktails.

Edwin had liked seeing him happy. Vincent had been sombre and stressed all week after the leak in his bathroom, when they went on their usual runs. They had still watched Paris Is Burning, and Kiki another evening, after a run, and Vincent had provided his usual commentary, but Edwin could tell his heart wasn't in it. Or rather, Vincent's mind was occupied by different matters, with less to spare on Edwin's education. But when Edwin suggested they watch something just for fun, even if it was just The Ideal World or some other mindless TV show, Vincent balked and insisted they didn't need to change their plans.

As soon as Edwin notices Sumaya, it's clear she's related to Vincent. There are not that many people from southern Asia in Belgium, but something in the build of her face reminds Edwin of Vincent. And she's just as obviously gay, except she's a masculine woman instead of a feminine man. She has very short hair and she's wearing a sort of casual suit that outlines she has some muscle on her arms. Edwin spots a tattoo on the back of her neck and she has one dangling earring in, and a small nose piercing.

She stands up when he approaches and holds out her hand. "Hi, you must be Edwin. Vincent has told me about you. I'm Sumaya, his cousin."

"He mentioned you," Edwin says. "Not your name, or that you'd be here, but that he had a cousin he's close with." Soul siblings, Vincent had said. Edwin can see why. Sumaya has only uttered some polite phrases, but he suspects she shares a love for teasing with Vincent. If Vincent joins them later ... Well, maybe he should conveniently take a very long bathroom break while those two are together because he would not survive attacks from all sides. He definitely can't count on Kim for support either. All three of them are cut from the same wood.

Edwin orders a drink and leafs through the program booklet while Kim and Sumaya chat about their lives. The orchestra is playing the Nutcracker, in true Christmas atmosphere. It's still at least half an hour before the concert starts and he resigns himself to listening to Kim and Sumaya, talking about people and events he doesn't know. It still beats sitting alone with a bunch of strangers.

"Hello, darlings," Vincent's voice says behind him and Edwin almost jumps out of his seat. "You're looking good." He looks over Sumaya, and Kim, and lingers on Edwin, who flushes. "Is that a new haircut?" Edwin self-consciously touches his head. He's not exactly balding, but his hair is certainly thinning and greying. He'd imagined what Vincent would think when he went to the hairdresser yesterday, what he'd say. Vincent still has thick and luscious dark hair. Edwin wanted to look nice for this concert, wanted Vincent to like what he sees, even if he's too kind to say anything about it again. Their shopping trip is in January, so he spent an hour looking through his wardrobe for something nice, something that would flatter him, that would make Vincent notice. He might not want a hook-up, but it'd be nice to be desired, even if nothing comes from it.

"Thank you," he says. "It is."

"Really, you're looking good." Vincent's gaze glides down from his face and when it lifts, Edwin is bereft of its weight, hot like a heavy blanket on a cold night. "Is Anna at home?" Vincent asks Kim.

"Yeah, she's been a little overstimulated with all the Christmas things at school. I already dread the parties."

Vincent nods. "If you need a babysitter" — he jerks a thumb back at himself — "one address for all your needs." He glances at Sumaya. "Or maybe two?"

"Sure, if I'm free." They keep talking and Edwin feels suddenly, viscerally out of place. He wishes Vincent would look at him, some sign he's ... he's ... He doesn't even know what he wants. It's not that Vincent is ignoring him, but it feels too much like the times he went out with Ellen and when there's bright flowers to admire, a plain tree gets overlooked. Vincent looks happy, talking to Kim and Sumaya. It's the kind of quiet joy and enthusiasm that's been missing for more than a week now. It makes him radiant and Edwin will be the boring tree any time if Vincent looks like that.

It takes a second before he realises Vincent has caught him looking and he raises an eyebrow and shoots him a small smile. It feels private, and it rushes through Edwin, something that is only his and not for Sumaya or Kim. He might not be as talkative, but Vincent sees him.

"Did you finish your book, darling?" Vincent asks. "Sumaya also likes fantasy." It takes Edwin a few seconds to tear himself away from Vincent's smiling eyes, his smiling mouth and the trickling heat when Vincent pays attention to him. He turns to Sumaya and when Vincent disappears backstage a minute later with a dainty wave, he realises abruptly that Vincent gave him something in common, an icebreaker. Vincent noticed and he did something about it with all his usual grace. Edwin becomes terribly aware of his heart beating in his chest, that he's looking after Vincent while he listens to Sumaya.

"How did you and Vincent meet?" Sumaya asks. "Was it at Bonaparte? Or one of his projects? You're gay, right? I don't think Vincent has had a straight friend in years."

"It was at Bonaparte. I met Kim there, too."

They smile at him. "It's a great place to make friends. Especially if you're new to the queer scene."

"Oh?"

So Edwin explains again, that he was married, that he's only been out for a year, that he wanted to meet more gay people. It's not a coming-out because Sumaya knew he was gay — not because he looked like it, but because he's Vincent's friend — but it feels the same. He might have come out more to other LGBT people than to straight people. Straight people don't ask; they assume he's like them. There is no need to tell them. But gay people want to know if he's like them, and if he was, it would be easy. And he is, but not really because he has lived most of his life as a straight man, fulfilling different expectations than those gay people have. Before, he was normal for having a wife, having daughters, for not standing out. Now he stands out because he used to have a wife, because he has children, because he's old and new and ignorant.

"So Vincent has been showing you around, introducing you to people? Couldn't have found a better person for that, really."

"We didn't, uh, get on well from the start." Edwin glances at Kim, but they only smile. Maybe Vincent never told them about the fight they had after Kim left. "Had some wrong ideas about each other."

Sumaya laughs. "You don't need to tell me! He's not an easy person. He can get these ideas in his head about people and it's hard to change his mind once they're there. He even did it with me, when he came out. Thought I would reject him, you know. Set that right real quick. But if he's your friend, you couldn't wish for someone better."

"Best friend I've ever had," Kim says. They look down at the table and fidget with their wedding ring. "I still owe him for all the doctor's appointments he took me to in my twenties. Fought with the doctors, too, when he thought they weren't treating me right." They laugh. "You don't want him against you, but if you have him in your corner ..."

"I don't think we are that close." Edwin glances in the direction Vincent left. He must love very intensely. Greatest enemy, but also greatest friend. He replays Vincent's smile, how casually he drew Edwin into the conversation and left. He might come across initially as the axis people spin around, someone who draws everything to him, but like the sun, he lights up people's lives.

Edwin realises he's smiling, that his skin feels electric, as if caressed by a breeze that's slightly too chilly. It makes him want to turn his face up into the sun.

"No?" Sumaya says. "I can tell he likes you a lot."

"For sure," Kim says. "You're here. I think that says enough."

Sumaya nods. "You're looking a little flustered, Edwin." She pulls up her eyebrows. Edwin shakes his head, even though he is flustered. Does she know about his crush? Would she tell Vincent?

"Do none of his other friends ever come? I thought ... He has so many."

"Ah, ah, that's where you're wrong." Kim wags their finger. "He knows a lot of people, but there are few he trusts. And music is personal for him. You play an instrument too, right? I'm sure you get that." Edwin shrugs. Sure, but not that personal.

He looks at the stage again and he feels almost giddy. Could he really be special? Maybe he should ask if Vincent wants to play just for him. Maybe they could play together. Sax and clarinet is an unusual combination, but it would be fun. Excitement bubbles up in his chest and he wants to look for Vincent now, ask him now. He wants everything Vincent will give him. His time, his attention, his trust, his affection, his jokes and petnames and touch. If he got all of Vincent, he wouldn't be able to handle that. Vincent can't be contained. But he wants to bask in everything he gets, let it flow over him, overwhelm him, and come out the other side.

The light in the hall goes down and the audience claps for the orchestra entering the stage. It shocks Edwin out of his daze.

Shit. He needs to stop having big realisations in public.

He finds Vincent behind the string section, as if he's inevitably drawn to him, can't overlook him. It has been like that since the start, hasn't it? From the very first moment, Vincent has been lodged in his brain in one way or another. He has always made Edwin feel something. Maybe it was truly inevitable that he wouldn't stop at desiring Vincent's body, but that he'd want his love too. He always cared too much what Vincent thought, wanted Vincent to like him, respect him.

Fuck. Caroline will laugh at him. If you're doing things together for fun and not your little teaching arrangement, I think that makes you friends. Or a couple. Maybe they aren't a couple, but every time they met up as friends could have been a date. He wishes they had been dates.

He has been so oblivious. How does he keep doing this? Of course his silly little crush on Vincent wasn't just sexual. Of course a mere crush, mere sexual attraction wouldn't uproot him, if there wasn't another emotion growing roots. Who has he been kidding, saying he doesn't want to be close to Vincent, doesn't want a relationship, that Vincent makes him too anxious? He said it himself: maybe he disliked Vincent so much because he liked him, and he didn't want to confront that feeling. He couldn't figure out if it was a good or a bad feeling because he just felt so much. Ellen said it too: sparks were flying from the moment they met. Edwin has only learned to accept them, to interpret what they mean.

Vincent was right when he said Edwin was repressed, that he hadn't fully accepted what it would mean to be out, to flirt with men and be flirted with. Outside the guys on Grindr, who he can't take seriously, nobody has flirted with him as outrageously as Vincent and he wanted Vincent so much and he couldn't see it. Of course that tension had to go somewhere. Water building up behind a dam. And as long as he couldn't see the tension for what it was, everything Vincent did annoyed him. But now ... Now ...

He stares at Vincent, who has changed into black pants and a white button-up like everyone else. He almost goes up in the crowd like this, even if he's still painfully attractive. He wonders what the chances are Vincent did his own little rebellion and his button-up has a pattern or an atypical fabric, his pants a feminine cut. He just ... can't imagine Vincent wearing anything plain.

He can't pick out Vincent's playing from the sound of the other clarinet players and the orchestra, but he looks focused and competent. Sweat cools in Edwin's neck. Vincent has elegant fingers, strong hands, a piercing gaze. His mouth is a thin line while he plays, but he has full lips. Edwin craves his laugh, to be the cause of it if he can. Vincent looks happy when he plays, during rests, looking at the conductor, moving along to the music. It's not his flamboyant joy that fills a room, but it lights up Vincent himself and that lights an answering spark in Edwin, an intimate focus. He's tugged between the desire to see Vincent like this all the time and to not share it with anyone else.

The possessiveness and irrational jealousy astound him. He was never possessive or jealous around Ellen, and he doesn't want to be that person. He doesn't want to stifle Vincent. Vincent who might not have many close friends, if Sumaya and Kim are to be believed, but who enjoys being out, who is larger than life. Vincent who enjoys his quiet time, his many commitments and hobbies. Vincent who flirts with everyone, who is confident and knowledgeable.

It dampens the rush of happy feelings. Even if Edwin's crush is bigger than he thought, he will still need to get over it. Vincent will still never know. He might be Vincent's type physically, he might be Vincent's friend even, a trusted friend, but he doesn't see how Vincent would ever want more than a hook-up. There is no way Caroline is right and his crush is requited. Vincent would still want someone at his level, not someone fumbling around, still leaving closets in his head, still becoming aware that he's not left those closets yet.

When the lights turn back on, Edwin goes to the bathroom and in the quiet, he can hear his heart thudding in his ears. His palms remain clammy after he's washed them. He's not sure how he'll face Vincent without showing all his emotions on his face, while he's still coming to terms with them, but he doesn't want to flee either. Not any more than what he's doing right now, a breather to find some inner balance.

When he returns, Vincent is sitting at their table. "Edwin! What did you think, honey? As a fellow musician, you owe me your honest opinion. These two flatter me too much." He flicks his wrist at Kim and Sumaya.

"You want me to take you down a peg?" Sumaya leans over the table and pats Vincent's arm condescendingly. "You only had to ask, Asif. I could tell Edwin so many embarrassing stories about your childhood." She turns to Edwin, covering Vincent's mouth with one hand. "This guy once forgot his keys when he snuck out as a teen and instead of ringing the bell and accepting the humiliation, he thought it was a good idea to wait in the hallway until morning. He ended up vomiting all over his pants and the neighbour found him asleep on the floor and alerted his parents. So he still got the punishment and even more humiliation than he was trying to avoid." She rolls her eyes.

Edwin chuckles and glances at Vincent, who even looks abashed for once. "I can believe that."

"At least I didn't wake my parents in the middle of the night," Vincent argues.

"No, Leo did that at 6 am. Which is only marginally better than 3 am, I assure you."

Vincent swats at Sumaya. "Be careful, or I will start telling embarrassing stories about you. You don't want people to know about your first tattoo, do you?"

"What, we're not allowed to ruin your reputation in front of Edwin?" Kim teases. "I thought we flattered you too much."

Vincent sets his dark, dancing eyes on Edwin. "Ignore them. What did you think?"

Edwin's head was filled with Vincent, so he's not sure if he can give a sound judgement, but he enjoyed the music. He probably enjoyed it more by virtue of Vincent playing. "It was very nice," he says. "Lots of childhood nostalgia." His dad used to put on the Nutcracker every year on Christmas and he and Arno would run and jump to the beat and not appreciate the music at all.

"Come on, give me more than that," Vincent demands and he leans in close. "I know you have always wanted an opportunity to list my numerous faults."

Edwin shakes his head, fascinated by the shades of brown in Vincent's eyes. He was right about Vincent's clothes. There is a sort of lace lining at the cuffs and the collar isn't as stiff or tight as his own button-ups, a rounder shape. "I think I'll pass."

"Don't put Edwin on the spot," Kim laughs. "If you're crowding his space like this, anything that comes out of his mouth is the result of intimidation and won't hold up in court."

Vincent leans back. "Fine, darling. Because it's you who asks." He taps a rhythm on the table and Edwin barely pays attention while they banter. He has to tamp down the urge to grab Vincent's hand, to feel him tapping in his palm, to shoot him besotted smiles. His attraction to any other men didn't stand a chance, when his attraction to Vincent is amplified by everything Vincent makes him feel. The intensity of it almost scares him, when his relationship with Ellen has always been based on comfort. Vincent isn't comfortable, but when it's not anxiety-inducing, it's exhilarating. Those might be two sides of the same coin, now that he thinks about it. If he can get over his insecurities, if Vincent stops provoking him for the sake of it, it might be more positive than negative from now on.

Maybe he will stop being so anxious about doing something wrong, about impressing Vincent, if he gets over his crush. He only has to remember that Vincent's flirtiness is a performance, that he flirts with everyone equally, that he flirted so outrageously with Edwin because Vincent knew it made him uncomfortable. Vincent is not a relationship person, not like Edwin is. He's not interested in any relationship right now, so Edwin just needs to get over it. It'll make his life so much easier, if he wants to stay Vincent's friend.