When I decided about Sidharth a few months ago, I never knew what I was signing up for. I couldn't fathom that I would ever begin to develop feelings for the man from whom I just wanted a child. All I needed was my child from him. But, my heart broke into zillion pieces as I got to know him eventually. It pained me that I'd break the heart of such a pure person. Every day with him felt like a beautiful serene dream that I feared would break with a jolt. Every single day he'd made me believe that he was unlike any other person on earth. There could be only one Sidharth and that was him.

My eyes pooled with tears as I recalled the day I told Sufi about Sidharth Singh Ranawat. The man I chose to bear my child from. The man I needed & wanted by hook or crook.

8 months ago

"Sufi" I mumbled sitting on the same edge of the pool. My feet dipped in the water and created light ripples, the moon overlooked us having the most scandalous conversation.

He remained mum, just like any other best friend he was probably angry to know my plan. I had told him that I wanted to have a child of my own, not by marrying someone but through a sperm donor. He was dumbstruck to hear me say that. The first thing he had said was a big No and other things that he was scared of for me. I'd put up an argument and explained to him the reason so he had calmed down.

I poked his bicep with my index finger, making a blank face with droopy eyes at him.

Sufi turned to me & heaved a sigh.

"No, but seriously pehle yeh bol ki aise ideas aate kaha se hai tere dimag mei huh? Kaise soch liya ki tere mummy papa iske liye maan jayenge? Yaad hai na? Jab meine sirf "dear" word text kiya tha tere ko school mei tab kitna dhoye the mujhe? Aur tujhe pata bhi nahi tha ki unhone aisa kuch kiya mere sath...26 ki huyi hai tu sana, aaj tak they cannot stand any man around you...college ho, office events, family functions ya phir kahi bhi thodi si bhi male attention tujhe mile toh maanlo voh ladka gaya kaam se and here you are planning to surprise them with a child of your own aur voh bhi without a marriage & through an unknown person. Wah Bhai wah...  apne life ko khud jhand kaise banaye tujhse seekhe koi"

"Sufi yar, sab yaad hai mujhe. Unhe mei manage kar lungi. Conceive hote hi before I start showing, I'll shift to London, vaha pe office ka kuch bahana banake chali jaati hu for a few months. Baby hone ke baad wapis aaungi, voh kuch bhi nahi kar payenge tab" I said without any hesitation. I had planned it all in my mind. But Sufi was flabbergasted to listen to me.

"Sana Sana Sana... mei kya karu tera? Mujhe sunne mei hi dar lag raha hai and you seem so confident about this madness... London jayegi, 6 ya 7 mahine ghar nahi ayegi toh you think tere mummy papa tere se milne khud London nahi ayenge? Boston mei padhai ke time pe your mom also stayed with you for 2 years. Remember? Voh log 2 din nahi reh pate tujhe dekhe bina...You have gone nuts..."

"Voh sab manage karne tu hai na yaha pe mere Doctor Sufiyan Zaidi" I mumbled.

"Mujhe phir se pitvayegi tu sana aur iss bar bachne ki umeed toh nahi dikh rhi mujhe...tere dosti k khatir shaheed ho jaunga mei shayad" he said dramatically faking tears from his eyes.

"Bhak dramebaaz, chup kar! I'll kill you myself agar tu ne aisa dobara bola toh...mat bola kar yar aise" I said slapping his arm with force.

"Ooouuu...bitch" he cursed.

"Tu hai meri bitch" I scoffed, pulling his hair with my fingers dug into his roots.

"Sanaaaa chuu...chor mujhe! acha sorry sorry bola na sorry!" He whined in pain and I left his hair in mercy.

"Acha jokes apart, bata kisi ko final kiya hai tune? I know you were in touch with Shalini from the hospital's fertility centre. But pata nahi tha ki this was for you, I thought hoga kuch for the NGO so dhyan nahi diya" he said in a low voice.

"Uhm... yeah. Fertility centre se donor  list toh liya tha meine par..." Sufi interrupted me before I could complete it.

"Par kya? Mila nahi? Don't worry we'll figure out. Abhi mujhe bola na tu ne I'll get the new list personally waha jaa ke" he affirmed.

"Voh Sufi, thanks but no, waha pe mila nahi par I have finalized someone" I said a bit hesitant.

"Acha, that's good. Kaun?" He asked casually not at all expecting another blow to his belief.

"Uh Sufi, I think we should step away from the pool" I said trying to get up but he pulled my hand and made me sit again.

"Arre bait na, yaha pe acha hai. You know I love this pool. Tu bol na kaun hai voh?" He asked again.

"Tu nahi hatega yaha se?" I asked again.

"Nahi meri ma, I'm good here. Tu bol" he insisted.

"Acha okay. Phir yeh mat kehna ki meine bola nahi. Uhm so you remember last month hum news dekh rhe the ghar pe? About the teen girls human trafficking case?" I asked.

"Hein? Kaunsa case? Hum kab news dekh rhe the? Aur yeh tu kya bak rhi hai? Iss se tere donor ka kya connection hai?" He asked, being clueless.

"Arre, exactly a month ago tu ghar aya tha na? Humne pizza bhi order kiya tha...we were eating in the hall phir papa aye to watch his news. Yaad aya?" I tried to get him recall and he did finally.

"Ah yes! Now I remember. Bohat scary tha, so glad Mumbai police was able to nab the idiots & save the poor girls. But what about that?" He asked.

"Hmm toh you also remember the officer who lead that operation?" I asked again being a bit hesitant.

"Ha, he was amazing! Matlab kya banda hai yar, the way he fired the stupid questions of the media throughout the mission and the way he encountered two of the culprits phir un ladkiyo ko save kiya...real life hero indeed. Sadly, I don't remember his name. Humara na yehi hai we know some faltu ke youtubers but don't even remember the name of real heroes like that officer" he said being dejected at himself.

"Sidharth. Sidharth Singh Ranawat hai unka naam" I muttered.

"Oh yeah. Right. Naam bhi unhi k tarah has so much dignity & aura" he said still amazed at him.

"But why are you saying this abhi? Unhe kya hua hai? Hum baat kya kar rhe the? Pagal kahi ki mujhe bhi pagal bana deti hai tu Sana" he said, confused.

I moved a bit aside from him & said "uh kyunki the one I have found for myself is him. Mein chahti hu ki Sidharth ji bane mera donor" I said with a straight face.

"Oh acha" he said plainly.

Sufi seemed to have not registered what I said so he was quiet for a few seconds but when realisation dawned upon him as expected he jumped in horror and fell exactly into the pool in front of us.

"Yar Sufi issiliye bola tha ki hume pool se uss taraf jana chahiye. I knew tu yeh karega" I complained as I frantically saw around for Sufi to float up. He was a good swimmer so I didn't have to worry about his life though.

Sufi floated up in no time and reached the edge. He pushed himself up holding the wall and sat on it.

"What the actual fuck sana? Sidharth Singh Ranawat? Deputy commissioner of Mumbai Police? Tujhe duniya mei aur koi nahi mila?

Ek pe ek shock de rhi hai tu mujhe...  Kya karu mei mar jau? Kya bhoot sawar hai tujh pe aaj pata nahi" he mumbled while coughing a bit because of the sudden fall inside the water. I chose to stay mum as I knew him and he was about to shoot 100 questions at me.

"Pagal hai Sana? How & why the fuck do you think that Sidharth Singh Ranawat would agree to donate his sperm to you?"

I kept staring at him with no answer like a kid being reprimanded.

"Kya karne ka plan hai? Tu out of the blue jake puchegi usse ki Hi Mr Ranawat, pleased to meet you. Will you donate your sperm & become the father of my child? And voh maan jayega ki oh yes Miss Bhalla I was waiting all my life for you?"

The conversation was very serious but I couldn't stop myself from giggling at how Sufi had enacted.

"Hass mat kameeni, ek second mei gun nikal ke sar pe rakhega aur bina nishana chuke goli maar dega and you wouldn't even know kab tu bhagwan ko pyari ho gayi"

"Shut up yaar Sufi!" I whined.

"Honestly, Sanu aise ajeebogareeb harkatei kyu karti hai tu? Kyu problems ko khud invite karti hai life mei? You do realise how risky, how scandalous and forbidden is all this for you hai na?" He softened.

"Haan... I do Sufi. But tu bhi janta hai ki mei yeh kyu kar rhi hu. I can face all of this to have my kid Sufi" I justified.

"Theek hai but why him? I'm sure voh kabhi nahi maanega iss k liye. Because why would he? You have a reason to do this Sana, but Sidharth? Uska kya? Why would he agree to donate his sperm, impregnate you & cut all ties with his biological child and live?"  Sufi asked the important questions. When I stayed silent, he continued...

"And for god's sake he must be over 38 years old Sanu. Tu abhi 26 ki hai, yaad hai tujhe? Abhi shadi nahi huyi hai uski toh kya hua? do you know how much life he must have seen, how many women he must have dated or been with? Uske habits kya hai uska family kaisa hai uske genetics uske health issues kitna sab kuch toh janna hai Sanu... it's not easy"

Sufi said exasperated & in despair. He probably felt I was getting myself into trouble & without any proper thinking. But what he hadn't known was that I had planned it all and this was a meticulously thought over decision.

"Sufi, breathe. Jo kuch bhi tu ne abhi bola sab sahi hai. I agree to each and everything that you just said. But, meri baat sun na, I have thought over this had se zyada for the past one month. Bohat soch samajh ke yeh decision liya hai meine. Sidharth? He is the perfect one for me. Un mei sab kuch hai jo mein chahti hu. He fits in all criteria that I have. Shayad there are men who may be better than him in their dating lives or younger than him in age but mujhe na unse zyada chahiye na unse kam. Mujhe sirf Sidharth chahiye.

Jitna ho sakta tha utna pata kiya hai meine unke bare mei. I think & I know ki he is the one I need. Aur Sufi, itni bhi stupid nahi hu ki just because he's an officer and he saved the girls I finalized him. Mere aur bhi reasons hai to choose him above others. Mein unhe TV pe dekhne se pehle hi janti thi aur dekha bhi tha in person. So, sab ki tarah tu bhi yeh mat samajhna ki I'm a dumb girl who cannot think of any consequences and jump into decisions. I have a fully functional mind of my own which knows what I'm getting into"

I finished explaining whatever I had to...but how wrong was I to think that I knew what I was getting myself into?

Sufi was silent, he had calmed down probably my explanation made him understand me. But he kept mum and chose not to utter a single word.

I wrapped my hands around his shoulders and leaned my head on one.

"Sufi... I have planned it all. Mein Sidharth ko aur ache se jaan na chahti hu. Like you said I need to know him, about him more. So meine socha hai ki I will befriend him first. I'll know him closely for a few months, I'll ensure ki voh mujhe ek aisi dost maane jispe uska trust ho. Tab tak mujhe bhi toh pata chal hi jayega unke bare mei and after those months of friendship if I still feel that he's the right choice that I made, mei khud unse sab sach bataungi and I'll request him to agree. Jab tak voh maanega tab tak koshish karungi. Pata nahi kyu ek strong belief hai mujhme that jab usse mera yeh karne ka reason pata chalega voh maan jayega Sufi..." I poured out whatever I had inside of me. I was indeed blessed to have a friend so good who'd understand me and be there for me whenever I needed.

"Tujhe pata hai na tu pagal hai?" He chuckled slightly. His eyes were moist too.

"Itna sab sunne k baad this is what you say kuthe?" I moved apart and slapped on his arms. He laughed and wrapped his hand around my shoulder.

"Okay. Tu mere se chahti kya hai Sanu?" He asked genuinely.

"I need you to be there with me in my plan. Sidharth se kaise milna hai, usse friendship kaise shuru karni hai all of the initial plan. Then uske baad I'd want to go ahead organically, no planning plotting. Phir jab time ayega and voh maan jaye toh of course I need you for the medical procedures. And jab London chali jaungi toh handle amma and papa over here" I briefly explained just like I'd brief my team members at office. I had no emotions or feelings towards the man I was talking about. I thought I had a fool proof plan.

Sufi remained silent for a bit and was about to talk when I interrupted him and said  "Sufi mujhe teri help nahi chahiye. You know that I can get anyone to do what I asked from you. They'd do it in an eye blink for the money. But mujhe na, tera sath chahiye. Bachpan se tujh se hi toh sab kuch bolti ayi hu and today all I need in the most important decision of my life is your support. Aur yeh tera decision hoga, if you want to support me or not. Mere taraf se no force whatsoever" I finished saying what felt like a crappy monologue of a damsel in distress in a movie. Sufi was emotional, I knew but he wouldn't show it as usual.

"Uff man! Tu aur tere drame! Of course I'm with you Sanu. Bas allah kare mei Eid ka bakra na ban jau tere amma papa k liye... marvayegi tu ek din" he said while laughing.

"Ban ja na... dost ki Khushi ke khatir qurbaan hue miya Sufiyaan karke ek achi si board banvadungi" I said and both started laughing in our misery.

*********End of flashback**********

8 months forward & we both were sitting in the same place, the same swimming pool edge but so much had changed from what we had thought of.

I had exactly done what I planned initially. Becoming friends with Sidharth was easier than I had thought of. He proved me every day that I chose the right man to be the biological father of my child. He was the epitome of an ideal man. I realised he was the most perfect man I'd ever know in my life. Yes, he had flaws but he was human afterall. He was the most imperfectly perfect human. I didn't realise when I had started to develop feelings for him.

Before I could even acknowledge what I felt for him,we both had kissed unknowingly. It was surreal, I had never ever imagined my first kiss so beautiful. It felt like I had literally lost the touch with my surroundings for the time we kissed. He revered me, he handled me like I was a flower petal. Delicate, affectionate & respectful. I realised he was also getting attached to me. It scared me. It still does. I'm afraid of the future, I fear losing him. I had no idea what I would do next. I was clueless, blank.

Tears kept flowing down my cheeks and I didn't realise for how long I was quietly crying.

The sudden phone ring brought me back from my trance. It was Sufi's phone.

"Jee mom, Sana k sath tha...aa Raha hu ghar abhi thodi dher mei" he informed his mother and disconnected the call.

He looked at me & wiped away my tears with his handkerchief.

"Bas kar Sanu. Stop crying" he said.

"You are stronger than this. You will figure this out on your own. Kisi ki madad ki zarurat nahi padegi tujhe. Yakeen hai mujhe ki tu yeh uljhan bhi sambhal legi. But whatever you want do na, tu kar. Bejijhak kar. Mei hu tere sath humesha. Itna yaad rakhna that I cannot see you broken. Bas..." Sufi expressed his concern in a very soft tone laced with his care for me.

I felt so blessed to have him by my side & I cried more when I hear him say he'd be there for me always.

I hugged him & mumbled a "thank you for everything"

After another glass of wine and 30 minutes of comfortable silence, Sufi left and I returned to my room not before talking to my amma who was back from her event.

As I sloshed on my bed and pulled over the comforter, I recalled the entire day. My uneasiness at office to see Sidharth, the way I initiated to kiss him when he entered my cabin at office, the drive to Rab di Meher, our time spent there, revealing about Veer, the way he supported me & my past decision but the way I hurt him with my fiesty words while leaving, his cute texts, my difficult conversation with Sufi everything played on my mind like a movie reel.

I had a very long, tiring & a tough day indeed. I felt exhausted physically & mentally both.

I decided to sleep it over when my phone pinged with a series of messages.

My eyes lit up to see it from Sidharth but as I read my happiness turned to worry.

Sidharth
Going on an emergency mission. Phone off rahega.

Not sure for how many days, but I hope to be back soon.

Please be fine for me? Khyal rakhna and don't you dare skip meals. Yeah?

Take care sweetheart. See you soon 😘

I didn't have a great feeling about this for some reason. My stomach churned when I read he was not going to talk to me for an indefinite number of days. But I didn't want to think negative when he was leaving on work. However, my heart didn't stop beating at a fast pace indicating the tension I had about him. But I couldn't stop from smiling either to see how much he cared for me even while he was about to go on a mission.

He'll be fine, my instinct whispered.

*********

Thank you for reading ❤️

Ok, so I'm really not sure how this chapter has come out because it's majorly a conversation between Sana & Sufi + there's this flashback. I'm not sure how many of you feel this concept of single women conceiving through a donor is interesting but this is what was planned... I had given hints about this in the initial chapters actually.

Was anyone able to connect the dots? 🙈

Pls do let me know how you liked or disliked the chapter.

Love,
Avni