I guess this is kinda a rant, but it's also kinda a not rant. It's more like depressing-ish. Also godbless that song. It helps me feel way fucking better 100% of the time when I'm like in really deep drowning in the sea of crippling depression.

So I know my family loved me unconditionally and they will never stop loving me. The problem is, every single thing I do is apparently 'bad' or 'annoying' or 'wrong'.

My mom says she wants chocolate chip cookies, then she goes yelling at me when I make her some chocolate chip cookies???

I laugh when I'm playing ping pong with my older brother, then mocks me and makes fun of me. What did I do wrong???

I take two seconds too long to do a request and then my dad starts yelling at me to do it already.

I try to make a joke to make them laugh but then they just look at me, which I hate, and say 'that's not funny' or 'that was weird' or some other stupid shit.

They also are constantly telling me to stop reading, PRETTY MYCH MY ONLY SOURCE OF HAPPINESS THESE DAYS. That and just Wattpad in general along with drawing. I would probably be dead by now if it weren't for Wattpad. Thanks :3

But anyways, all I want is to make them happy and for them to think I'm also happy, buT NOOOOOOOO! I can't do anything right. And it kinda hurts. For everything I do to be wrong. I want to make them proud of me. And I hide who I am. They don't know of my insomnia, depression, anxiety, asexuality, gender fluidity, or pretty much anything about who I really am. Because if they knew that would be just another annoying thing for them to want to fix. And honestly I may hate myself, but I don't want to change. I don't want to be 'fixed'.

I tell myself constantly, whenever I'm feeling suicidal or just fucked right up, 'it will all be okay once I get to college. I look what I want to look like, be called the pronouns I feel comfortable with, I can wear whatever clothing I want, I can be free.' For me that's freedom. I honestly wish I could fast forward to college. Also if when I come out to them, things go south, I can always just live further away. I can live alone and read all I want without them constantly getting on my case about 'do this. Do that. Stop reading all the time. Be more like this. Be like him. Stop being lazy.'

When I was little they made me read all the time. Now they're making me stop reading? Wtf?!?!

Also once I go to college I can maybe get some help on my own and I can get a therapist possibly. I won't have to talk to my parents about my problems and they can stop touching me. I hate human contact
*whispers* unless it's my crush, then go on ahead ;)))))) *stops whispering*

Anyways I just- UGHHHH I really needed to get that out of my system or I swear I would've punched someone. You don't need to comment on this btw.

Ugh don't even get me started on when they call me sweetheart or baby girl or any names that have to do with girl especially when I'm in a I'm-not-a-girl-mood. It just makes me cringe.