I sat silently on the bed, running circles over the bandages wrapped around my chest and arms. I had a backpack strapped to my back full of classic literature and Victorian poetry. Joshua rummaged through my wall closet, throwing in every item of clothing he could find.

"Why'd you even have so many black outfits? I literally don't know what you'll wear at the wedding," he said, running a hand through his hair.

"It makes me look chiseled!" I protested.

He shrugged. "I don't know what to tell you, bud. The black sweatshirt that you have on makes you look like the Grim Reaper, if nothing else."

"Shut up."

Joshua grinned and stuffed everything he could get his hands on. Oh, my poor perfectly ironed shirts. "Josh, try being gentle, will you?"

"No." He stuffed one of my favourite black shirts with enough force to spite me. I threw him a mean glance and he winked. "Now, get off your ass. The car's waiting downstairs."

I sighed and jumped off the bed. Following silently behind him, I dreaded the idea of being surrounded by everything shiny for the next month. People being happy, colourful decor, endless drunken parties, stupid wedding tasks. And no one would stop to think about the pain these things bring.

I was once a part of these festivities too. For my own wedding. I had cheered, partied, laughed and I had been in love. And then my whole world was turned upside down and there was no one I could talk to. Distancing myself had been important but it felt like a crab had gotten hold of my heart.

"You okay? Does your chest hurt?" I heard Joshua say and I immediately looked down. My hand had involuntarily moved over my heart. I dropped it and shook my head.

If I had to do this, I'd do it with a smile in front of my friends. I'd have plenty of time to be miserable alone. I grinned and looked at Joshua, who was handing over our bags to the chauffeur. "I'm as fine as aged wine."

"Thank the stars the bandages are only on your chest and wrists. Otherwise, you'd look aged in an ancient Egyptian way."

I laughed, sincerely this time. I handed over my backpack and we got into the car. I turned to face him. "Let's be honest. I'd look hot even as a mummy."

He clicked his tongue. "Eh, no."

I shook my head and the car lurched forward. I immediately gripped the hand rests. I hadn't even thought about it before but now I felt nauseated. With every turn of the tyres, I saw the explosion, the smoke and sound of alarms in my ears.

My knuckles were tight with tension and I kept looking out of the window. I couldn't let Joshua know I was half scared to death. He would blame himself for not being thoughtful enough. I couldn't do that to him after everything that had happened.

Few minutes into the ride, nothing became better. My back was ramrod straight, my eyes stung and my throat started to close off. The track flipping over was all I could see and the occasional gulps of water did not help.

Joshua was on his phone the whole time but now he turned his attention to me. His eyes crinkled at the corners. I kept my head down, willing my body to bear it for another fifteen minutes. We would reach the airstrip soon enough if I just kept my cool.

A warm hand rubbed my back. "Dan? What's wrong?"

I shook my head, determined not to let myself break. Not now. Not ever. "I'm okay," I said through gritted teeth. I laid back and gingerly placed my head on the headrest. I settled into my seat and closed my eyes, wishing for all sorts of escape.

If I was so terrified of a simple chauffeured car ride, how was I ever going to race again?

The thought caused me to get even more nauseated and I bit on the inside of my cheeks. Within seconds I tasted blood but the pain brought me some relief. Joshua was still confused next to me and he kept asking questions.

I sat still and refused to open my eyes or answer him till we reached the airstrip. I jumped out of the car and left straight for the jet waiting for us. I stumbled up the stairs, dismissed the flight attendant's pleasantries and locked myself in the bathroom.

I couldn't find it in myself to keep it in anymore and all the nausea from the car just came tumbling out of me. My body jerked with the force and I slumped down on the floor, sweating and dirty. I dropped my head into my palms and dug their heels in.

Slow but furious tears slipped out my eyes. What was I now? Who was I? I couldn't save my best friend. I couldn't save my almost-marriage. And, I couldn't save my career. The thought of getting in a car again was enough to make me throw up again.

I wiped my hands and washed my mouth. I stared at my reflection in the mirror and almost staggered into the small toiletries shelf behind. My eyes were sunken, my hair was astray and my mouth was drawn into a thin line. All my earlier glamour, the twinkle in my eyes and the small cherry dimple was gone.

I was nothing but a shell of my previous self. Who could I talk to without burdening them with myself? My broken state almost moved me to tears again when there was a sharp knock on the door.

"Dan? Please tell me what's going on. Are you okay? Do you need medical attention?" Joshua's troubled voice sounded muffled.

He was scared for me and that was the farthest I would allow him to go. I did not need help. Not from a man who was about to be married. Not from anyone. I should be able to get through this.

I quickly pulled open a bandage on my wrist and put on a smile. Unlocking the door, I stepped out and found myself right in front of a worried Joshua. I patted his back.

"Nothing to worry about. A bandage came loose." I started fumbling with the open cloth but Joshua just looked at me like I had lost my mind.

"And you ran all the way from the car just for this?"

My smile faltered for a second but not for long. "You said I was always careful, didn't you?"

Joshua blinked. "Yes but-"

"I'm just being careful." I pushed past him into the seating area.

It was plush and grand with a huge TV set in front and speakers in the corners. The leg room stretched for miles and the AC was just the right amount of cold. I didn't have the time to appreciate it before but I could see Joshua's family wealth reflecting off each surface.

I plopped into a seat and signalled Joshua to come near. "Won't you offer champagne or have you literally lost your host mannerisms?"

Joshua, convinced by my charade, gestured at the attendant and she immediately disappeared behind a curtain. He settled into a seat next to me and put his feet up.

"So, who's the lucky girl?" I asked and Josh's face lit up.

"Wait." He pulled out his phone and swiped through some apps before he pulled up the gallery. He had a whole album dedicated to her and he passed it to me. "There she is," he said with such pride in his voice that I nearly dropped the phone.

The picture of a beautiful woman with hair woven out of gold and eyes as dark as the night sky, peered back at us. Her features were dainty and soft, like someone who had grown up being tended to. Her smile was small and bright but her eyes were focused beyond the camera.

Joshua guessed what I was thinking and he said, "I took the picture."

I smiled at the love in the girl's eyes as she looked like she was breathing for the man behind the camera. It warmed my heart to see that my childhood best friend had finally found someone who looked at him as if he had painted the stars for her.

A twinge of pain accompanied the smile on my face and I quickly gave him his phone back. "What's her name?" I asked, trying desperately to press down the choking sound in my throat.

"Madison. Madison Kingsmith."

I turned my head to look out of the window. The plane was racing down the airstrip and it made me lightheaded all over again. I closed my eyes and folded my eyes onto my lap. I thought of light and God and poetry to calm down.

How I wish I had waited for my books when I had rushed into the jet. No one understood my love for leather bound books or Victorian love stories. I knew why though. When you lead a life of chaos and crazy, sometimes the words written down in the pages of a book are all you need to slow yourself down.

The plane rose up with gut wrenching speed and I could feel bile rising in my throat. I checked myself and before I slipped into unconsciousness, I said, "Sounds like a lovely name. Kingsmith."