Written by: yiyilovbot

NISHIMURA RIKI - ENHYPEN

𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊

You, in my imagination ,are so vivid

Dreams aren't those magnificent things we grew to love. ever since we were kids we wanted to be something right? whether it was an astronaut , a doctor , or a police Officer. We all had a dream, something we aspired to be or someone but when you grow older you realize it comes with expectations, standards , determination and persistence. We all have ambitions, we crave to do good, to do our best, to reach those goals. Sometimes we give ourselves high expectations, we not only force it upon ourselves but make it the absolute priority. neglecting sleep, food ,water just to focus on this priority. We all have expectations , goals , dreams but at what cost?

January, 2021

New year, new opportunities. In a world where everyone is competing against each other, don't we all want to put our best self forward. shouldn't we put out a positive energy for this year? I'm trying but why am i getting tired. i have all these goals and dreams but I'm tired. am i my own enemy? why do i put expectations on myself? to the point that if i don't meet those expectations , i perceive myself as a failure. why? is it from the pressure of the outer environment. or is it from within.

The sky was blue. the shining cascading sunrays seep into the blinds, casting light shadows on my white crème walls. A new day means a fresh start or whatever people say. School, the place we all dread to go to. Another place where expectations and standards are high. I have no choice to go. education is important or you won't get anywhere, another thing people say. good grades are everything, another thing people say. how much standards and expectations are enforced on us? it seeps through my mindset, now what.

fitting into my uniform, i immediately ran out the door when i checked the time. 8:20 , 10 more minutes left till first period. it takes at least 20 minutes from here to school. I didn't mind if i skipped breakfast, I'm never really hungry anyways or am i just tricking myself? rushing down the stairs I took my bike and cycled to school. i arrived to school in 20 minutes , the bell rang. good I'm not that late. i hurriedly rushed into the classroom which was math. my brain hurts when trying to solve these equations but i expect myself to study. i need to ace that end of term test tomorrow.

Add to to do list. another one in my pile of lists. everyday it just keeps adding up , i try and fit as much as i can in a day. who cares if I'm tired? i need to get things done in order to achieve my goals right? will this fulfil my expectations.

I took out my notebook and begin writing every single thing on the board. i felt something run down my nose. blood ,it was running down my nose and dripping on my white notebook.

"sorin, your nose. blood" a classmate pointed out. horrified at the sight.

"I'm fine, it's normal," I replied. This is not the first time. I haven't had the proper rest, meal or break in awhile. things have been hectic and i needed to finish them all.

"you should take a rest. you've been occupying yourself with studies and practice" a friend of mine seora chimed in.

"with exams and auditions coming up? no way. I'm perfectly fine seora, it's normal. I'm used to it" i insisted as she grabbed a new sheet of paper that had her notes on it.

"The teacher erased the board already. i think you might need to write down a few things" the black haired , doll eyed girl muttered as she gave me a sweet smile.

jun seora, my best friend since 2nd grade. she is smart, pretty, talented, popular and practically the sweetest person alive. i can't help but feel jealous over her. i don't want to feel that way since she's my friend but i can't help comparing myself to her. she's perfect. Deep in my heart i knew that no one is perfect and we shouldn't compare ourselves but i can't help but feel that way.

The bell rang signaling school was over. finally, my head hurts and i still have to study when i go home. tomorrow is the test and i have to do well. i immediately packed up my things as i still have many things to do. i felt a hand tap my back as i was cleaning up.

"Hey sorin, me and yuri are going to the movies. do you want to come?" Seora spoke with a smile.

"i'm sorry , i really can't today" I muttered apologetically with a frown.

"let me guess practice? you really have to give yourself a break. aren't you tired ?" seora sympathized as she gave me a lopsided smile

"It's alright, I have to go. I'll see you around" i waved my hand as she disappeared out of my sight

I wanted to go but my mind is telling me otherwise. in a world where people expect a lot from you, wouldn't i need to sacrifice things?

I hopped onto my bike and cycled to my dance studio. I'm hungry but i can hold it in until i come home. i always do.

4:44 pm

I practiced , practiced , practiced and practiced. I danced the choreo and rehearsed it multiple times. I have been doing this for about a year now. Every single day I rehearse multiple dances and choreos. We all have a desire to get better , we all crave to achieve something. to the point where I feel like i'm going to pass out. but no matter how much I practice and try why do i feel like i'm not good enough? why? I'm putting my blood , sweat and tears into this but why do i feel like i failed myself.

I stared at the foggy mirrors, sweat dripping down my forehead as i checked my knees after a few painful choreographies. blue, my knees were all bruised and blue. one turned purple and they all sting. it's fine, I'm fine. - lie

i was hurting everywhere, my body was sore. but it won't hurt to practice again right.

i didn't realize another expectation was added into my head. I unconsciously did it. not like i don't always do so. No matter how tired i am , i won't stop practicing. this is the only way to get me to where i want to be. i tried to stand up but stumbled a few times. the bruise on my knees started to sting more, my whole body felt sore but i ignored it. just like what i always did.

I practiced and got things wrong. i re re-watched the video i took and I dropped on the ground. clumping my hair in frustration i could feel hot tears trickle down my eyes. the frustration, the pain , the disappointment. why? do i have to dance till I'm dead. my vision started to get hazy as i tried to find my watch. i could see that it was 9:30 pm, I've been in the studio for a while and i realized i haven't ate a single thing. i felt my body dropped onto the ground as i could only see black.

I was awakened by a light tap on my shoulder, the illuminating brightness blinded my eyes. Rubbing my eyes in exhaustion I was shocked to see a faint figure in my peripheral vision. His black hair messy and unkempt - his gray hoodie drenched in sweat. I guess he was here for a while.

"You're awake. sorry if i disturbed you but the floor was quite cold and i didn't mean to wake you up" He mumbled, rubbing the back of his nape, unable to look me in the eye.

"Oh don't worry about it, I was about to go home anyways" I breathed trying to get up but to my demise I stumbled on my legs.

The boy immediately dropped his phone and ran to assist me - grabbing my arms gently so i don't fall. Our eyes locked with one another, his eyes reminded me of warm pine trees and the autumn breeze - calming yet lonely. Realizing his hand was still holding mine, I gently pushed his hand off my arms and awkwardly rubbed my hands together.

"Thank you.. i should get going now" I hesitated before grabbing my bags.

Before i could leave I heard the sound of music playing in the background. My intuition led me to stay a little longer, i sat on the bench near the exit and paid close attention to the monolid black haired boy in sweats.

Boy was i truly blown away from his fluidity. The way his body moved to the rhythm off the song, the way his hands and feet portrayed emotion and how his body language fused with the melodic song of lie. He was as if an angel fell from the sky - the way his moves were powerful, dynamic and fluid mind blows even the most emotionless of people. Paying close attention to him, i didn't realize he finished his piece, by then he was walking over to me.

"You good?" he waved his hands in front of my face to snap me back into reality, "You seem like you have a fever, your face is really red" He closely examine my face as our faces were inches apart. My breath started to hitch at the proximity.

"-I -I i'm fine... but you- you"

"i what?" he confusingly asked, sounding taken aback by my response.

"How did you do that..." i managed to blurt out, making him more confused

"i mean how did you move like that... Your dance, is that even humanly possible" i finally remarked, sighting a breath of relieve that i got it out of my brain. To my surprise, he gave me a warm smile. Not a fake one a sincere one that is enough to make anyone let.

"Thank you.. for saying that i mean, no one has ever said that to me" He declared while unintentionally sitting to close to me.

How, a talented person like him never gets compliments? the world is truly out of their minds.

"How? you are practically a dance machine..." i tried to lighten up the mood as he stared onto the dance floor, the lights getting dimmer and dimmer.

"i mean I've heard it a few times but it was always you could've done better or other people are better than you but keep it up. I lived in a place where i was considered average" he managed to spill, his eyes glistening like glass shards under the dim lamp above us..

"Don't listen to them.. you're not average.. i think that you are your best judge, no one else has the right to dictate you nor judge you because you are you and that's what makes you special" Finally managing to face him - his face was actually a few cm away from mine and we both turned our heads at the same time, making our faces collide with each other.

He looked at me with the softest eyes and smile. "But have you said that to your self? i saw you earlier..." He sighed , patting my head.

he saw me... i was a complete mess.

"Oh, but i wasn't creepy or anything i just came at the wrong time" he immediately changed his words to make it sounds less creepy.

"Yeah but the difference is i am average... unlike you - you're gifted" I sadly hummed, looking down and fiddling with my black sweater.

"Hey, you should listen to your own advice. I think you're truly a talented and amazing person, i saw you dance.. the way you conveyed your emotion to the song and how your body fluidly moved with the beat of the music. I think you've compared yourself to other people more without looking at yourself. heck you might be even better than me" he chortled out a laugh, placing a hand on my chin to lift my head up, "That's how good you are, don't judge yourself so much" He rubbed my cheeks as i felt tears drip down my eyes.

"Ah- did i do something wrong, are you okay? why are you crying" he pulled his hand back seeing my reaction.

I don't know where my boldness came but i gently grabbed his hand and placed it back onto my cheeks.

"Thank you.. words cannot describe how much I've been wanting to hear that" I stammered as i managed to force out a smile, more tears kept dripping down and wetting my sweater.

"You deserve so much better. I hope you know how amazing you are, if i believe in you then you believe should believe in yourself. the only way you can love other people is if you love yourself first" He assured leaving a bright smile on my face. He proceeded to give me a tight hug, patting my back and rubbing it once in a while as i let my tears lose. The smell of soft vanilla fused with lavender, made me clung onto him more. I probably drenched his already wet sweater.

Pulling away from me, he looked straight into my eyes with the smile i have started to love "We will go through it together. We will help each other, let's love ourselves before loving each other" a red hue appeared on both his and my face as he mumbled the last sentence.

"promise?" i sprung my pinkie finger out.

"Promise" he smiled, wrapping his pinky finger in mine

"Hold on, i forgot to ask what's your name?" I quickly blurted out knowing we were part ways but i still didn't know his name.

"Nishimura riki. you can call me riki, you?"

"jang sorin" I grinned as he took my hand in his, intertwining it in place.

"well then jang sorin, how about we walk to the bus together" He insisted, pulling me up from the bench.

"I don't mind that" i cheered as we walked out of the dance studio and entering our new beginning.

Where we go on a journey to love our selves... before loving each other.