Where was she, again?
     Another shiver passed down her spine, as it had the past few times.... whenever she asked herself that Question.
She blinked her eyes, causing those fresh gathered but unshed tears to retreat back to.... (wherever they came from). She remembered fragments of the previous times that she had been "Aware" , cuz now... she was "Alive". Goosebumps rose on her arms with every passing thought, making her breath hitch and throat clog and heart start beating faster.

She could have probably tried to stay in the "Now" (the present) but, she had always been a daydreamer.... A person living in the "What if"....
The fragments of her Awareness reminded her that she had somehow walked out of the Dining Hall and was now sitting in the car. The Empty Car... An Empty car, in an equally empty parking lot... A Unwatched Car.
The Empty Car.

She had been sitting there, staring outside-  failing to make her body start creating warmth for her(probably from the lack of trying). The driver had left the AC on , and somehow her MIND appreciate the increasing cold,
it appreciated the chill that ran through her body making it go Numb,
it apperaciated the cold gust (emitted from the front corner) hitting her damp face.... making it feel like Slaps across her face,
it apperaciated the cold making her wet Wedding Lehenga Prick her
And  Ohhh it soo appreciated the Frostbite that made her shiver....
She would have Soo Loved to increase these feelings, intensify whatever this was, AND make these so called uncomfortable settings her Home....(afterall weren't these settings just perfect, and beautiful), just then as if summoned Her eyes glazed back again, making her re-enter the realm of Pseudo Non-Existence.

All SHE.... ,or was it her MIND? , could possibly even be her HEART for all she knew -
        Her being asked for, craved for, raged a havoc inside for , desperately searched for, Fucking Begged For!
Was a Numbness, a Slap, a Hit ,infinite Needles Pricking her, Pain and more pain,  and most of all ..... A Shiver
    Cuz Shivers reminded her of her walk to her Home. A walk where she didn't actually have to even take a step, or even move a muscle cuz her Home called out to her and it took care of cradling her, of rocking her... as she existed in the Between ,Suspended , surprisingly weightless.... Where she didn't have to hold up herself, her body weight or even the useless organs that made up the excuse of a structure that kept her away from her Home. Cuz there was a Rope anchoring her, and the rope made sure that it rocked her , and wave after wave, she would have left for her Home but! ......

Where was she again?
Where was she , again?

This time somehow she didn't fliter back instantly to the ever calling darkness. Her eyes that had been staring outside vacantly, seemed to have caught sight of something. And By all the Gods Above! Wasn't it PRETTY, or GORGEOUS, or BEAUTIFUL, or MESMERIZING or  DAZZLING.... And everything else along those lines. Her inner self(cuz she wasn't sure if it was Her, her Mind or her Heart) almost summersaulted when it noticed the most beautiful creation it had ever made.... It was pretty-pink, and had dash of gorgeous-green along with bold mesmerizing-magenta and even had decidedly the best abstract dazzling-drawings on it.
All the fairy lights that hung on the outer wall of the Wedding Venue hepled create a Glowing Reflecton of Raavi (on the car window)in her Stunning Wedding Lehenga, it accentuated her features, her red puffy cheeks, her dry dark under eyes, her slightly smudged mascara and lip color and those pained vacant eyes and the thing that it highlighted the most.... that caught her eye.... Her Neck Mark...

Suddenly after staring at her beautiful mark for a few too many minutes an idea struck her ! Why hadn't she thought about it the minute she sat in the car!?
Damn! People didn't call her Dobi Raavi for no reason.
   But no more! People won't be able to call her anything like that, they won't be able to point fingers at her or call names and insult her, they won't be able to tell her how or what she was like, and no-one would be able to make decisions for her...,
She will make her choices, She will decide everything about herself and She will decide what place to call Home!

It was soo easy, and obvious. All she had to do was break her glass bangles!
And.... -Push the Longest Strongest piece inside,into her Wrist. Ohhh , what a big Dobi she was, it had been almost half n hour since she had been asking for the Graveyard feel to intensify, for death to creap onto her and take her away,for the pain all around her to intensify upto it's peak and then dragg her to the other side.  But This... This was a break through, it will be quick (though sadly, probably there won't be a rope to anchor her, or her cradle, or she won't be rocked) and it will be so eye catching!

She recalled how she had stormed through all the Lehenga shops of Somnath in search of a perfect Blood Red coloured Lehenga, but unfortunately had had to settle on her current attire. No offense, she loved the Chunri, it had matched her requirement list and now .. she'll colur this damp white lehenga in Deep Blood Red. Just the way she liked.

Raavi pushed her gold bangles aside on her left wrist, and collected 6 glass ones under the palm of her right hand. She felt her heart dance, her mind rejoice and her whole being cheer her at the prospect of.... going home?
Yeah that's what this joy that she felt was about, or... was it some abstract presence approaching? Was it coming to anchor her like her Rope? Would it Rock her like the Rope had?
But she would not wait, she could not wait,not this time. She looked at her reflection unbidden, the sight making her rejoice with a more different vigour. She will finish what she started! She will leave this all behind! Slight unnoticeable tremors ran across her body, she started shivering profusely, more thanks to the AC, her blood started pumping louder in her ears, as if asking her to 'get a move on' ! and realese it, let it flow, let it paint , let it stain.....

  And just like that she tightened her hold on the fragile glass bangles, the only strong thing for her walk to the other side. She heard a faint noise of cracks being formed, just a little more and then she'll hear the shattering. She again increased the pressure, despite her shivering self  and in 3 - 2 -

The door to her right opened Abruptly! The intruder seemed least bothered about her presence. Taking note of this her hand itched to apply the pressure it was intending to before this person arrive. But somehow a dormant part inside her shifted and made her acknowledge that her plan won't work now, afterall.... Wasn't he responsible for her previous disappointment. He closed the car door with a bang! And taking advantage of the noise she loosened her fingers from the vice like grip they had on her....jewelry, yeah jewelry. And not excuse of a weapon, or a excuse of a resource to take her beyond.

He thought seemed to have heard the bangles and hence turned to her, the lights from outside casting him in soft light, making it difficult for her to read his dark eyes. Eyes which traveled all over her, as if looking for something. After not finding whatever they were after, he averred his eyes and looked outside. Though she couldn't help but stare at the soft shining side profile, and all the UnMarked skin.

Suddenly, just as abruptly he had entered the car, he leaned over the front seat and fumbled with the controls. He settled back in his seat(though not entirely, for the rigid shoulders screamed, distress) , not gracefully or quietly at all but like the Tornado and Destruction and Chaos that he was. His eyes once again traveled to check on her. His face probably gave away his emotions for first time in a decade, breaking the facade that he had been carrying, for only fraction of seconds. It was as if he was making sure that she was Here, in front of him, in the Now. And just like that after seconds his eyes left her and turned to look outside.

His presence had as if changed the atmosphere of the car, (and ofcourse the fact that he had turned the AC off, or low) but all strings pulling her had somehow disappeared, all thoughts of retreating back to her new found Haven seems to fly out of the window. Window! she turned around to find her Neck Mark , to make herself want to go back to the darkness, to bring back the cold but... The place where her reflection had been probably a minute ago, was now taken by the reflection of the Man sitting beside her. How could he! Not again!! Her fingers curled inwards, digging with all their might. She wanted to scream at him, claw at him, make him go away and bash his usless impeccable timing.

      For the cold in the car had been replaced by warmth, the glowing darkness had been replaced by soft light and her second attempt had been fucking unsuccessful....

But no qualms, she had a tomorrow, she even had a tonight, she smiled inwardly at her reasoning. Afterall.... How long could Shiva Pandya interrupt her plan, or stop her attempts or worse, bring her back from the other side...

The driver sat in the front seat, the people on the back seat still looking outside their windows...straing at the reflection of each other. Both of them seemed in a mood to ignore the sound of Shehnai and Dhol being played for the leaving couple..... It wasn't for the couple sitting in the car though, but rather for the newly wed Rishita and Dev Pandya. The front side mirror showed the clear picture of the biddai(vidaai) , how Rishita clung to her parents and cried.

Seeing her cry like this made Raavi jealous,
Jealous that she had a family,
Jealous that she had parents that were Alive!
Jealous that people of Somnath would think of her as a role model for today's generation girls who stood up for their Rights and against injustice, who didn't let other people dictate her life and then......Raavi  would be termed as the, Character less and  manipulative girl who tried and almost succeeded in stealing some other girls love.

WHY!??? WHY did they leave her? WHY was she stuck in a place that she had never dreamt of being in ? WHY was her name dragged through the Dirt when she was probably the last person to be blamed for whatever transpired today!!!!!

Somehow the clog that had disappeared from her throat made its appearance again, and it was feeling heavier by the seconds. Her mind screamed inside and her blood boiled, it wanted to cause Destruction! Inside her and outside! Her right hand again itched to grab her bangles, and this time press so hard that they would break through her skin and tear her nerves too quickly for her liking. She wanted to pull at her necklaces and.... And tighten them around her neck, she wanted to claw at something, dig her nails into something, just someone, something or Anything! But Fuck she wanted this desperation and void to leave her, or to envelope her at once. This all happened on the inside ,But on the outside....her hands remained unmoved, her arms didnot move and neither did her fingers, all that changed was her nails that dug themselves as hard as they could into the palm of her hand, exactly where she had left them. How could she unchain herself when all that was holding onto her was too invisible for anyone to notice. In all this termoil, she noticed that the major part of her being, one that craved to go back to darkness seemed to be staring at the reflection of the Man illuminated in Soft Glow, in the Window of the car....

Shiva had turned to stare outside, he couldn't bare to look at the Woman beside him and feel Hatered and Sympathy at the same time. His inner self wanted to Cry and Rejoice at the same time when he looked at her, seeing her Alive..... It just left a Bitter taste in his mouth and at the same time, it felt like he had tasted the Sweetest dessert ever.
His eyes caught her reflection in the car window, her side profile..... The side facing him had been shrouded in darkness, and he had had to squint his eyes when he had checked her for any more injuries(he was alarmed to awareness when he entered the parking lot, that she had been left Alone for too long, and that was too soon for his liking..... The reason, he didn't know a lot about mental health, but he knew what desparation was and how it felt when your world shattered),.... But her reflection was doused in bright light, and yet she looked dull and lifeless. Like a beautiful broken Glass Doll....
He averted his gaze, as he heard the music being played behind him, the side mirror reflected the scene taking place behind them. He saw Rishita cry to her parents and he saw his brother trying to calm her down. And yet his own brother shed tears for his wife, 'Being a part of her joy, Being a part of her sorrow' he recalled. It all didn't affect him much, as though his heart and mind were on a completely different planet, and too un bothered to react. But as soon as Gautam placed his hand on Dev's shoulder, all strings broke! His heart started thuding loudly and he's mind went on a overdrive, recalling memories of past and emotions of despair! But Half a minute,- and abruptly his hand reached out for a grip, he held onto the front seat, his nails digging into the leather. His move had startled the driver, but the person beside him was unmoved. This time she didn't face him, so he couldn't read her face as he  brought back his racing Heart to normal. He turned to her reflection and a new pain shot through his heart,  a shiver went up his spine, and his grip tighten painfully on the faux leather..... as his eyes caught her slightly glazed eyes , and what followed was what had caused the havoc..... the thin line that ran across her neck, the thin line that marred her porcelain skin , the thin line that Glowed like a Beacon....

"Oo bhaiya, abh kya moohurat nikalvana hein kya? Kis lea ruke ho? Chalo !" His thick hoarse voice, sounded alien to his own ears.
But he took joy in the fact that Raavi had turned around to look at him, and whatever was going inside her mind had disappeared. (Though he didn't pay any attention to why he felt relieved and happy when it happened). He knew whatever was brewing (or rotting) inside her mind had not left her complete, he knew it. But for now this reprieve was enough, for now this warmth had to be enough. Cuz he didn't know what else to do, and she hadn't thought him what else to do..... So for now being "Aware" was okay, cuz probably for now being Aware was Alive.......

___________
That's all for today, this took Freaking 5-6 hrs for me to write(damn me)
PLZZ lemme know if I should keep them this long?  I haven't written in a while(a few too may years) so bare with my shrunken vocab.,
And let me know ur feedback, good ,bad , whatever 🥰