S, 

A lot of what I want to say to you has dwindled and instead this uncomfortable silence has lodged itself in the oesophagus of my throat. When we went for your prom, there were multiple promises made of meeting again. When I wonder why you ghosting me was such a horrible thing as compared to the few times I would've ghosted people online. The stark difference is the fact that I never went out with any of them. We went out twice. We danced to Perfect by Ed Sheeran, Apocalypse by Cigarettes After Sex and Falling in love with you by Elvis Presley. You tightened your grip around my waist and we held hands more times than I could count. You'd do the most adorable thing and bend down to talk to me - like I was the only person that mattered. You're doing that in this picture and that is why I'm posting it, I never want to forget that about you. 

Mom thinks that you did what you did because you might be a commitment phobe or maybe I'm too young or this is just not the right time and I don't know if the reason for this ending is you or me. I hope to god its not something I did or didn't do because I wanted you. I can't say I'm not devastated because when I saw our pictures this morning, I almost cried. Its something that could've been but didn't happen. It didn't even end with a full stop, just an open ended pause that I never assumed to be an ending. Somewhere deep inside, when I got home that night, I had been disappointed. I think I wanted more, just like I want more right now. But you know, an unpopular opinion that has infested itself in me is the fact that maybe just maybe we weren't right for each other maybe that's why I wasn't happy after prom - maybe I knew in hindsight. Although, with A, holding hands was clammy and slightly unnatural, with you it was just perfect- even though we were (and now are again) strangers, its as if we belonged. 

And then there's another notion, what if we were perfect, absolutely perfect for each other but the timing and place setting was completely off. What if we hadn't met through bumble? What if we met years later, when I'd hopefully be happier with myself. When I'd feel like I'm good enough for you and when you'd feel like you were ready to have more with me. 

But tell me something, how do we forgive ourselves for all the things we didn't say until its too late? Because now its too late and I can no longer tell you what prom meant to me. We were on the dance floor when you'd asked me what prom had meant to me, I couldn't muster a sensible answer, floundering for the term capitalism. But now that I think of it, prom means a bittersweet goodbye. I think the concept of senior prom exists because sometimes you meet someone who's so befitting but just as the school or in this case college term comes to an end, so does that equation. Nevertheless, it was a part of your time there and prom then becomes that pleasant night you get to look back at. Prom doesn't necessarily have to be that serious of a thing, maybe you just went with someone, had a great time and now you get to store that forever. That is something I still want to tell you, I still want to go on a third date like we'd discussed. How do we forgive ourselves for all things we did not become - how do I look back at this and say hey, we tried and it didn't work. The answer is, I don't. Because you arrived unceremoniously, you gave me butterflies and blushing cheeks and a prom I can look back at. I don't think or at least I don't know if I can term whatever equation that was as love, but sometimes this affection stays for a month and sometimes, a lifetime. Maybe you could've tried to stay, maybe we would've lasted. Maybe you couldn't, maybe, just like you've decided, you shouldn't. You might have saved me a lot of heartache, knowing how I felt about you, maybe you saved us both from a lot of damage. And I've decided that that's okay. Its okay. I'll be okay in a few days because I'm so young and I have so much left to do, so much left to see. I want to post the other picture where we're dancing, but I think, I don't want you occupying that much space now. I will always have a special place in my heart for you, you were my first date, my first prom, my first slow dance. But not my last. 

Thank you for sending me the pictures, thank you for the time we had. Thank you for stopping by. 

- I wish I could've had that unrealistic happiness with you.