Unleash the Bros of War

by theidiotmachine

General T'Chk took a long pull on his glibleaf pipe, enjoying the sweet, acrid taste. He let the blue smoke curl from his blow hole, and gazed across the room. The officers around him avoided meeting his eyes, but he could nevertheless smell their disapproval, just as well as he could smell the pungent burnt leaf. Well, let them. They would probably be spared tomorrow.

'Sir, companies twenty eight and thirty six are falling back. We need to make a decision on holding the grooming quarter.'

This one was called Captain Atrtu, or something else equally upper class. He, astonishingly, seemed to think that it was still worth bothering to issue orders. T'Chk sighed, and lumbered over to where Atrtu was standing at the war table.

Here hundreds of little wooden markers were laid over a map of the city. Other officers were talking into radios, pushing the markers around, occasionally removing them from the board. The lights hung from low cables, and flickered, and the radios around the edges of the room hissed and beeped. It stank of smoke and dirt and exhaustion. Every so often a shell landed too close for comfort, and everything shook gently.

The officers looked up as he approached. He stared, gloomily, at where Atrtu was pointing.

'Do you suppose many people are being groomed right now, Captain Atrtu?' he asked.

The young captain blinked at him, yellow eyes bright under the hot bulbs. His blow hole tightened, and he licked his face. Atrtu was barely adult, from a rich family, had started at this rank. T'Chk had made his way to the top of the army from nothing, from fights, to skirmishes, to battles to wars.

'No sir,' said Atrtu.

'Then tell anyone there to retreat.'

It seemed like a lifetime that he had last been in the grooming quarter, but of course it had only been half a year or so. He remembered floating in the great pool in H'Loks, the war impossibly far away, the perfumed air heavy like a blessing... Now it was all just rubble and bones.

He pulled himself from his reverie.

'Captain Jokl. Any word from the palace? What does our emperor bid us do?'

Jokl blanched, his green skin yellowing in fear.

'Sir... I cannot get word from the emperor. No one there knows what's happened to him,' he replied. 'I stand ready to travel to the palace myself, if you wish.'

T'Chk laughed, despite the situation. 'I commend your bravery, running across the city, but I wouldn't bother. The old fool has fled, I imagine. Well, it's just us now.'

He turned to address the room. It fell silent, even the hiss of the radios and the thud of the shells seeming to calm, waiting expectantly for him.

He'd worked with these soldiers for some time. They were good people, despite what their beloved emperor had done. They were young and scared, mostly. They didn't deserve what had happened. But then, he reflected, people very rarely did.

'I don't think we need a long speech,' he said. 'I don't think it would be proper. Beginnings are long and complicated; endings should be simple and short. So I will say it in the simplest and shortest way I can: we've lost.'

He paused and looked at their faces. They knew. But it was still a shock hearing it, such a sharp truth. They blinked and shivered, tongues wetting dry lips, hands fidgeting. He shook his head, sadly.

'I know you all wanted to fight for the emperor. I know that you believed. But, I promise you: it's not worth it now. We could throw away more lives, destroy more infrastructure, put more scars on the surface of this great city... But it would change nothing. Better to live and walk away.

'I will issue a formal surrender, and you can decide what you want to do: there will be no shame simply walking away. Or you can wait here with me. I suspect I will need to sign the documents to make it legal, and that will be a moment of history that you can tell your hatchlings about. Not a moment you will be proud of, but a moment nonetheless. But then, I can't guarantee your safety after that. The enemy has promised to treat its vanquished well, but we all know the worth of their promises.

'So I will end it with this. Thank you. Thank you, all of you. Now, Captain Jokl, would you be so good as to...'

And then suddenly there was a light like an exploding star; and when he could see again, he was aware that two figures stood before him.

They were covered in silver; probably clothing or armour, as it didn't look organic and smelt of nothing. They were considerably shorter than him, maybe a full head or so, and had ridiculous proportions, arms that came from the side of their torsos, legs that were jointed strangely. They were carrying all sorts of tools and equipment, on harnesses and belts.

'What the blazes...?' he choked out, but one of them spoke.

'Dude. Don't freak.'

It sounded like it came from a loudspeaker; its head was smooth and shiny with no orifices.

'I beg your pardon?' asked T'Chk, utterly confounded.

'I said, dude. Keep your hair on.'

The other figure leaned in.

'Bro. It doesn't have any hair,' it said, seemingly unaware that it was broadcasting this statement to the room.

'Who the devil are you and what do you want?' blustered T'Chk. 'You have five seconds to speak or we'll shoot.'

'Bro, my name is Brad, and this is Cody,' said the first figure. 'We're hear to help.'

#

Brad and Cody were aliens.

T'Chk's people had never met an alien before, and had in fact only speculated that aliens existed in the more lurid parts of their fiction. This didn't trouble him, though. It had, most definitely, been one of those days.

The aliens could pronounce T'Chk's language flawlessly, although they frequently used strange words that were out of place or nonsensical. Sometimes they made horrible explosive noises; later T'Chk realised that this was their version of laughter. They seemed to enjoy slapping each others hands together in various complicated ways.

As far as he could tell, Cody's clutchparent was a high ranking commander of some alien military organisation. And he had chosen to send these two to assist with the war effort, despite them being barely adults.

'So,' said T'Chk, carefully, 'what can you actually do?'

'Bro, we can kick ass and take names and chew gum,' said Cody.

'Dude, you messed up the quote,' said Brad.

'I understand,' said T'Chk, who didn't. 'If I was to give you the locations of some of the enemy, could you do some kicking, taking, and chewing? My units can provide backup.'

'That would be awesome. Show us where the action is, my man!'

So, T'Chk described in broad terms where to go, and there was another flash of light, and the pair disappeared.

Atrtu looked at him as if he'd chewed too much glibleaf.

'Sir, with respect... What the devil just happened?'

'I have no idea, captain. Let's get all units to retreat to cover and get the hell out of the way. Anyone who can magically appear in my bunker can fight for me if they want. Captain Jokl, shall we hold off on that declaration of surrender for a little?'

And he walked back to his desk to smoke some more.

The reports came in almost immediately. Of blazing lights, silver figures appearing from nowhere with overwhelming firepower. Whole companies being wiped out in moments. Suddenly the enemy was in panic, routing, and he had not done a damn thing.

When Cody and Brad reappeared, they were making horrible whooping noises, and doing even more hand slapping.

'Bro, that was awesome? You got any more that we could do?' said Cody. Or maybe Brad. T'Chk couldn't tell and didn't care.

T'Chk shrugged with his tongue, uncertain.

'How far can you travel with your flashing thing?' he asked.

'Pretty much anywhere, my man. Where's next?'

'Captain Atrtu, can you get a map of the imperial complex of our enemy? This might be a bit more of a challenge, my silver friends. We need you to fight through and get the person in this building, here. We need him alive to surrender.'

'Yes, sir!' said one of the silver things, waving his hand around his hand.

'Oh, and one more thing,' said T'Chk. 'Could you do all that flashy travel in the other room? It's starting to give me a headache.'

'Sure thing, bro!' said one of them. And with that, they were off.

The room fell silent again.

My word, thought T'Chk. Is this a fever dream? Well, if it is, it's much more pleasant than what's probably really happening to me.

He pinched his tail to see if he woke up; and he didn't.

My word.

Captain Jokl spoke. 'General; I've just received word from the palace. Our gilded Emperor has taken his own life. We were too late.'

#

The surrender came later that day. Suddenly the radios were filled with the crackle of enemy units handing in their weapons, of posts being abandoned, of jubilation and disbelief. T'Chk had agents in deep cover in the enemy territory; they broke protocol to find ways of communicating, radioing over open channels without using code.

The enemy had fallen.

There was a flash in the corridor outside, and the aliens returned. Cody and Brad seemed rather less enthusiastic this time. Their silver uniforms were battered, and they had the slow movement of the exhausted.

But T'Chk was ready.

He slowly rose to his feet, and the whole room saluted the aliens. He stepped towards them stiffly, holding a braided sash studded with gold. He hung it over one of the alien's neck, and then bowed; then he repeated it for the second alien. All the while his troops applauded and cheered.

'This, Brad and Cody, is the order of the endless pool, the highest honour of our gilded Emperor. As his supreme commander, I am empowered to award you it. Our people salute you. Thank you.'

They bobbed their heads; T'Chk had figured out that this was their version of nodding.

'Bro, that was awesome. We need to get going though. That's cool, yo?'

'That is cool, yo,' said T'Chk, trying his tongue at the alien's strange speech patterns. 'Yes. That is positively cold. Do you wish to see me negotiate the surrender with the Emperor V'Hug?'

'Wait, what did you say, my man?' asked one of them.

'Our gilded emperor is... indisposed, and so I shall be taking charge of the enemy surrender. I will be negotiating the terms with V'Hug, who you so recently persuaded to step down from armed conflict.'

'Woah.' said the other one.

T'Chk had not heard that tone before. Was that... fear?

'Dude. Dude. We helped the wrong side! Oh no. My Dad is gonna be so pissed. Brad, I told you this was the wrong dude!'said Cody.

'Is there a problem?' asked T'Chk.

Cody sat heavily on the war table, and put his silver head into his silver hands.

'We're not really supposed to be here,' said Brad. 'His dad was like, yeah, the war's almost done, there's not much gonna change here, you boys can have a go if you like. You know? Finish the whole thing early. Just don't tell anyone. We were supposed to be fighting for Emperor V'Hug. Oh man. D'you think they'll kick me out of Harvard?'

T'Chk licked his face delicately.

'Could your equipment have malfunctioned?' he asked, carefully.

'Man, maybe? Does it matter?'

'I suppose it's possible you didn't intend to be on this planet at all. You ended up here, captured by my men. And I, being the savage warlord that I am, promised to release you if you did one thing for me. Helped me win the war.'

Cody looked up.

'My man. You'd stick your neck out for us like that?'

'Brad and Cody. I have just awarded you the highest office in our empire. I have a debt of gratitude to you that is beyond measure. I'm not sure how extending my neck reach would help in any substantial way, but if that would add to the subterfuge to keep you safe I would certainly do that.'

There were cameras in the alien's suits; his troops spent a happy hour being filmed shouting and pointing their guns at the aliens. He made them all stick their necks out as far as they could, and he had to admit that it made them look rather more imposing. Maybe these strange silver people were onto something after all.

Then, at the end, the aliens, rather more cheerful again, thanked everyone for an awesome day.

'Oh dude,' said Cody. 'If we accidentally helped the wrong side, maybe you could do something for us.' He pulled out a sheaf of papers. 'I picked these up by accident at the base. It's all in your language. Maybe you could read about freedom and stuff, and you could make your empire better. Then we've all done something cool.'

And then the two disappeared in one last blinding flash.

#

T'Chk stood outside the bunker, drinking something flat and tepid.

It was the best thing he'd ever tasted.

Everywhere people were celebrating. The city was dotted with ruined buildings, there was smoke hanging in the air... But the shelling had stopped. His soldiers were drinking and laughing and smoking. A civilian had a stringed instrument and was playing a tune; others were dancing.

Captain Atrtu came up to him. His yellow eyes blinked happily in the evening sun.

'What now, sir?' he asked.

'Honestly, I don't know,' said T'Chk.

Captain Jokl joined them both. He had a rather more sombre expression than Atrtu, although the flowers behind his ears rather softened that.

'Sir, we've been checking on our gilded Emperor. It seems he took his life and the life of his family.'

'I understand, Captain. Thank you. We should keep this under wraps for the moment,' said T'Chk. 'We'll work out who his successor is soon enough. Although, he's not the only one. A lot of people died today, on both sides. All for the sake of some... war tourists. The fact that we are alive and victorious is something that I continue to be astonished by.'

Jokl spoke quietly but intently. 'I don't think you do understand, sir. Our emperor had no acknowledged clutchmates. His hatchlings and partner were the extent of his line. They're all gone, and the line is no more. We have no leader.'

T'Chk had never loved the emperor. He had surrounded himself with his cronies, all of them appointed for favours, and useless with it. This stupidity was the main reason they had been plunged into this war. The men around T'Chk were mostly the sons of those leaders, people who had grown up in this system and knowing nothing else. Their shock and dismay would be extreme. They would need a leader. So would the rest of the empire.

'I think,' said T'Chk, carefully, 'that I might have a solution for this. I've been reading the things that the aliens left. They are interesting. Very, very interesting. I propose that we declare an interim leader, and start setting some of these ideas into motion.'

Jokl was slower and looked blankly at him; but Atrtu spoke quickly.

'I think that's an excellent idea, sir. Would the interim leader need a base of operations and a loyal staff?'

'Yes, Captain Atrtu. Yes, I think I would. And I think they could do rather well in this new world if they were skilled and dedicated. Now, I have some reading for you both. Let's see what you make of this...' – and he said the alien word with an effort, the strange syllables sticking to his tongue – '...democracy.' And, because alien words seemed to be a part of his life now, he added the other ones he'd learnt today.

'That would be jolly awesome, you upstanding bros.'

#

On the fleet starship Exemplar, special influence agent Davies closed the remote connection. She allowed herself a small smile.

It had been a successful day.