Conversation recorded with Dan [last name redacted], January 8, 2025:

It was about three weeks before my fifty-second birthday, when I discovered that I had suddenly lost the ability to urinate in a comfortable or timely manner. Previously, I could sit or stand and let the torrent rain down without any conscious thought or effort on my part. Now, it was as if I was trying to pee my way through mud, or concrete even. It was like there was a tiny Hoover dam jammed up inside me, and somewhere along the river there was a sluice gate that I had to struggle to raise every single time. And once that ridiculous effort was complete, a tiny streamlet would emerge.

My wife Eileen – Dan, what? You don't remember her? You met her the year before, at the company dinner. She was the one wearing the blue dress with the flower pattern on it, and we were together and I introduced her to you. I think I said, 'this is my wife Eileen'. And you shook her hand.... That's right, the brunette. What school does she teach at? That's not really relevant.... Yes, fine.... Saint Bonaventure Secondary. Anyways, I'll continue, because it's not really important. I told Eileen about the issue, and she suggested that I go see the doctor right away. So I did.

The doctor referred me to a specialist, after first ruling out the most common infections. So I got an appointment with Doctor Carfax over at Western Hospital. He had a room in the basement. It was shabby, dark, lacked windows and had low ceilings. I remember that the door had a sign on it: please come in and take a seat.

So I went in and sat in this rather funky room. I was the only one there. The walls were bare except for a poster with a quote on it: "Hang in there." You know, the one with the kitten hanging from a branch? The door to the examination room was just to the right of that stupid poster.

"Come in," Doctor Carfax said as he poked his head out from the examination room. I went in and the doctor asked me to describe the problem. So I did, and he asked me to take off my pants, lie on the table on my side, and face the wall.

"This will only take a few seconds."

He reached into a drawer and pulled out a latex glove. He put it on, slathered it with lubricating oil, and stuck his finger right into my butt. How long was he in there? Really? Fine.... Five, maybe ten seconds.

"Your prostate is much larger than it should be for a man your age."

"Larger? Is it treatable?"

"We'll have to test for cancer. I can do the biopsy right now, if you'd like."

"Well, uh, sure, I guess."

So the doctor inserted a tool into my behind, which he then used to retrieve a small sample of tissue. It hurt like nothing else I had ever experienced before, but it was a short-lived thing.

"I'll just put the sample in the tester."

He placed the little chunk of tissue in a vial, then placed the vial in the tester. The machine hummed for about a minute, then stopped.

"Here come the results.... The sample tests positive for cancer."

"Oh no."

"It's a lot more treatable than it was even 20 years ago. You're young relative to its advanced stage, so surgery is a good idea. Sorry about the news."

"What kind of surgery?"

"We'll leave that up to the robot urologist."

"The what?"

"The robot urologist."

"I'm confused. Do you mean a urologist for robots, or a urologist who is a robot?"

"The latter, obviously. It's a surgical robot, specializing in urology. I'll be present for the procedure, but the robot will make a recommendation on which surgical option to choose, based on real-time data."

"What if it's wrong?"

"It hasn't been yet, and the level of precision it has during surgery is greater than I could manage on my own. And that is a very good thing when it comes to prostates. But if it makes you feel any better, I can override its decision at any time."

"Okay then, I guess so."

"How is tomorrow for you?"

"Tomorrow? So soon?"

"Yes, there's no reason to wait, and I've got an opening at 2 PM."

"Okay, I'll take the day off work."

"Okay, great."

So I went home and I told my wife. She cried and she made love to me as if it was the last chance she'd ever have to do it. She actually – now, Dan I hope this isn't inappropriate; on second thought, knowing you, I think you won't mind hearing this – she actually gave me a blowjob. Can you believe that? It's probably been 15 years!

The next morning, my wife made me bacon and eggs for breakfast. Who misses the old days when you had to fast before surgery, right? Anyways, she had to get off to school, so she hugged me and cried a bit before she left. Then she left me to putter around the house while my nerves progressively frayed for the next several hours. I think the only thing worse than waiting for surgery is waiting alone. So the next few hours were tough, but I made it through.

I arrived at the hospital just before two in the afternoon.

"Hi Peter, have a seat. The nurse will guide you through prep. I've got to go get set up."

"Thanks Doctor Carfax."

The nurse came in. She asked me to put on a hospital gown and to lie down. A doctor arrived and he gave me a general anesthetic. It didn't take long to take effect.

"Count backwards from one-hundred."

I got to ninety-eight when I saw a shiny metallic box roll into the room. It was almost the size of a mailbox or a newspaper box. It had at least four arms. Doctor Carfax walked behind it. I counted to ninety-seven....

"How are you feeling?"

"Doctor?" I asked. I had a hard time focusing my eyes.

"The operation was a success. Your wife is here."

"Hi Pete," she said. She squeezed my hand.

"Peter, I wanted to give you an update on the procedure," Doctor Carfax said.

"Okay."

"We started the operation hoping for a tumor extraction only. However when we got in there, based on the advanced state of the tumor, the robot urologist recommended a complete removal. I agreed."

"Oh no."

"Don't worry, we were able to implant one of the new artificial prostate units. It will take over its most important functions. And, also important to note, we were able to protect the nerves, so we think you'll be able to achieve an erection without any issues. That's good news, right?"

"That's great news," I said. My head felt sluggish and

"Okay, I'll let you rest."

Doctor Carfax left me in the loving care of my wife. So I I went home the next morning after a brief once-over by the nurse. Eileen drove me home and then went to school, leaving me on the couch with an ice pack and a bottle of painkillers. The pills took the edge off the pain, taking it from a searing burn to a somewhat gentler burn. Trying to pee was a bit of an ordeal for the first two days: it felt like I was pissing gasoline every time. But soon, the pain faded and my life returned to normal within a week. I could now pee free and clear of any pain or blockages, and my sex life was mercifully unharmed. I guess it was almost a year after that when I had you over for the barbecue. Yes, that barbecue....

***

Transcript, NASA archives, February 1, 2020. Classified. Released under Executive Order 2026A:

Director Skinner: Gentlemen, thank you for making this meeting on such short notice. Bob, I know your wife isn't happy about pulling you away from your vacation. I'll make it up to her by sending over my famous tuna casserole. [Muted laughter]

Bob: Are you sure that won't just make it worse? [Inaudible] it's your tuna casserole. [Laughter]

Skinner: True. We'll figure something out. Okay, let's get started. Late last night, the Deep Space Network recorded the following signal in the microwave band. It's a repeating series of tones, counting out the first ten prime numbers: 1, 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, and 29. I'll play it back now and bring up the spectrograph. [Audible series of tones.] As you can see, it repeats at 1. We triangulated the sky region where the signal originated, and we asked our friends at Goddard to take a look. Both the Hubble and James Webb returned similar images. [Audible gasp.] Obviously the Hubble image is less detailed, but it confirms the sighting and the trajectory.

Smith: Trajectory?

Skinner: Yes, the motion detected indicates a parabolic course – well, I'll just show you, here's the diagram – its current course will have it crossing our path in about five years from now.

Bob: You're sure it's not a meteor or a comet?

Skinner: It can't be. No natural object emits prime numbers, right? Hopefully your wife will understand the urgency.

Bob: She will.

Skinner: Unfortunately we can't say a word about this. Because of the nature of this object, uh, I should say potential nature, this has been escalated up through the Department of Defense all the way to the President. I've been told this is now considered the highest level of Top Secret. I had to jump through hoops to get permission to let my own team in on it. The upshot is that you're now all sworn to secrecy. A representative from Defense will be here shortly to make it official.

***

Transcript, National Air and Space Intelligence Center, Wright-Patterson Air Force Base, April 3, 2020. Classified. Released under Executive Order 2026A:

General Singh: The Keck telescope continues to track anomalous object A1. Trajectory calculations agree with Goddard – it will intercept Earth, and they're ninety-five percent confident that it will take place on September 2nd, 2024. So that's the deadline that we're working against. Anybody have any suggestions on how we can proceed?

[Redacted]: General, the new laser defense project is ready for deployment. We could deploy a fleet of thousands of lasers, ready to fire if it turns out that the alien, uh, I mean, anomalous object, is not friendly.

Singh: The problem is how will you get them deployed to the right location? Object A1 could land anywhere.

[Redacted]: I have an idea for creating a new mobile platform to ensure adequate geographical coverage. I've done some initial legwork on this. The Canadians, Australians, British, and Russians are warm to the idea. We can have several hundred thousand platforms deployed worldwide by September 2024.

Singh: Seriously?

[Redacted]: I have a report right here.

Singh: Let me see that.

***

So Dan, you remember the night of the barbecue, right? It was Labor Day weekend. I had a few people over – you, Jim, Raj Paul, Sonny, and Cheryl from accounting. Eileen made a great fruit salad. I was getting ready to grill some short ribs that I'd rubbed and aged for the past twenty-four hours. What? Raj Paul? Why wouldn't he want to eat my short ribs? Regardless, I had just started grilling when my wife ran into the back yard.

"Look at CNN!" she yelled. I pulled my phone from my pocket and brought up cnn.com. The site was down, so we went inside and put on the television channel. On the screen, the anchor was describing a large, disc-shaped object that had descended from space. It was initially hovering over Boise, Idaho, but I guess there was nothing interesting there, so it moved east. "Switching live now to our New York affiliate. We have live video of the flying disc moving over the Hudson River."

"That's nearby!"

We all ran outside. There it was, ten-thousand feet up: a slowly rotating disc bigger than a football field. That was when the thing lit up in different colored lights and started making those terrible sounds. That was when my life changed forever. Describe it? Really? But you were there! Fine.... I'll humor you.

***

Transcript, NORAD Joint Command, September 2, 2024. Classified. Released under Executive Order 2026A:

Lieutenant-General Fernandez: Is that the object, Lieutenant?

Lieutenant Smith: Yes Sir, it's descending now. At its current course it should touch down somewhere near Boise.

Fernandez: Boise? But there's nothing there.

Smith: Who knows what the disk is attracted to.

Fernandez: Keep an eye on it. I don't see why it would make its way from god-knows-where, just to see flat fields and potato farms.

Smith: Yes Sir. [Silence for some time.] Sir, it's hovering over Boise.

Fernandez: It didn't touch down?

Smith: Correct, it's hovering at ten-thousand feet. FAA and military radar both agree.

Fernandez: That settles it, it's under some sort of intelligent control. Send the signal to the mobile platforms to get ready to deploy.

Smith: Are we sure we want to deploy them?

Fernandez: I said to get ready to deploy. We don't actually want to deploy until we confirm there's a threat. Until then, they're on standby.

Smith: Yes Sir.

***

So, we were standing there, staring up at the flying disc, which was sitting between Manhattan and Brooklyn, when the smell of burning ribs filled the air.

"Shit, my ribs!"

I ran over to the barbecue, lifted the lid and quickly pulled the ribs onto the side plate. I felt a sudden burning sensation, which I hadn't felt since my surgery.

"Guys, I'll be back in a second."

"Where are you going? Don't you see what's up there?"

"I have to use the bathroom, sorry."

So I ran into the bathroom and pulled down my pants. I started to pee. It took all my effort to get it started.

"Come on, you little bastard," I said, or something like that. Too much detail, Dan? I'm not sure how much you really want to know. But I was finally able to get a decent stream going and the burning subsided. I came back outside and that was when the flying disc lit up. And the sound – but I mentioned that already.

***

Transcript, NORAD Joint Command, September 2, 2024. Classified. Released under Executive Order 2026A:

Fernandez: Any change?

Smith: No Sir. Wait! It's moving. Wow, look at the speed! It's slowing down now. It just stopped over New York City!

Fernandez: Great. Any video?

Smith: We've got satellite and a CNN affiliate. Here you go.

Fernandez: Good work. What's happening to it? [inaudible] The colors!

Smith: A pattern of light? Communication? [Burst of noise, then silence.] Power level [noise] CNN cameras overloaded.

Fernandez: It's an electronic warfare attack! Lieutenant, deploy the mobile platforms now.

Smith: Confirm, you want them to open fire?

Fernandez: Yes, confirmed, open fire!

Smith: Yes Sir, sending orders now. Order sent.

***

So, Dan, we were all standing there, looking up at the rainbow of colors, when we were struck by a terribly loud burst of noise that made us cover our ears. A few seconds later I was hit by this overwhelming urge to pee, along with a burn that I'd never felt before. It hurt so much that my mind felt numbed, so I barely recall this, but I know for sure that I pulled my pants down, right there in front of everybody. Oh, you remember? Great.

Then I guess you remember that I suddenly had the hardest erection that I'd ever had in my life. It hurt like hell, but it pointed straight up at the flying disc. And then some kind of energy, a laser or something, shot right out of my penis, straight into the flying disc.

I think I passed out for a second, because suddenly I realized that I was lying on the ground, staring up at the alien ship. I remember seeing thousands of holes that had been poked through the flying disc. Pieces of the ship were burning and the whole thing was tilting and descending toward the Hudson. And I came to understand that what had just happened to me had happened to thousands of men all over New York at the exact same time.

***

Transcript, NASA archives, September 5, 2024. Classified. Released under Executive Order 2026A:

Director Skinner: Folks, as you know, yesterday the military dropped off the wreckage of the alien disc. So far we've determined two things. Let me just get one thing out of the way first – the military's attack on this thing was idiotic, and the means they used to do it was reprehensible. Co-opting prostate surgeries around the world to implant weapons – what have we become? My own brother is recovering in the hospital as we speak.

Bob: Sorry, Gary.

Skinner: Thanks Bob. Now, onto the two things we've determined. First, the ship was a probe. Inside, it contained instructions on how to reach their home world. Luckily the instructions were duplicated hundreds of times in different parts of the probe, so we were able to recover it despite the damage. Second, the static energy burst, which our military thought was an attack, was really an attempt to play back the Voyager recordings to us. Somehow they got it wrong, and played it back around a thousand times too fast and with too much energy. Our job is to figure out how they found the Voyager probe, finish decoding their own instructions, and devise a peaceful response.

Bob: Peaceful?

Skinner: Yes, the military feels that they probably overreacted considering the initial findings; that outfitting an army of prostate beam weapons was maybe not the best way to handle things. So we're back in charge. Let's get to work.

***

Dan, is there anything else you want to know? Oh, that.... Yes, I had my weaponized artificial prostate replaced with a non-military one. And yes, everything is working fine, much to my wife's satisfaction. Oh, yeah, I've also joined the class-action lawsuit. I'm going to be rich.

END