Greg Goes Galactic

A Galactic Empire Story by JeffreyVonHauger

You are cordially invited to attend

Emperor Volodymyr Oblast's private reception

following the official coronation event

at the Imperial Palace

on Grandor Prime.

Onzaga Oblast, the mother of the emperor, took a drag off a Jakz Juice laced hand-rolled cigarette and slid the invitation into the hand of her dog walker. Greg smiled, fumbled with the golden ticket, and shoved it into the pocket of his cargo shorts. He had just got back from walking the dowager's prize purebred snipter-zoodles. The elegant quadruped canine-esque creatures had short purple curly hair and were rather playful and harmless, considering their size. When on the leash the two of them tended to walk Greg more than he walked them. Nonetheless, it had become his daily routine and the two-hour morning jaunt through the imperial gardens filled him with personal joy and provided time to ponder his existence in a sublime natural setting. He also got tips in the form of drugs and odd gifts, and he enjoyed both.

"Now, Gregory, I've taken the liberty of choosing an outfit for you to wear to the party." She gestured to a jacket and slacks hung across a small stand next to her and passed the joint over to her friend and dog walker.

"It's just Greg, please." Holding the thin cigarette, he took a puff. "You know, I used to say starting smoking when I was 40 was a bad idea, but now I think starting Jakz Juice at 50 was the truly bad move."

Greg was hopelessly addicted to both. He had discovered, quite by accident, that nicotine dulled the effects of Jakz Juice and allowed him to walk through life with a mild hallucinogenic buzz and some jitteriness. This combo really helped in his new environment.

***

Grandor Prime Security Clearance

Dossier: Greg Petix

Age: 51

Species: Human

Physical condition: Stable

A man out of place and time, the subject was abducted by a Sleldack space slug, who at the time was living in the body of another human named Daisy Eatherton. The Sleldack bonded with Petix over a vegan meal in a public eatery in a place known as Portland. It is assumed it was a spaceport city of early 21st century Earth. At the time Petix was working as a "burger flipper" at a place called the "Burger Barn."

Petix was offered a way off his doomed planet and insisted he bring along his "comic book" collection. The Sleldack agreed. The Sleldack and his ship were never found, but its cargo of one cryogenically frozen 50-year-old human male and 20 thousand flimsy colorful books printed on a thin biodegradable fiber were passed among collectors of galactic oddities for centuries, eventually landing in the possession of the great library of Grandor. Petix was revived and the tens of thousands of centuries that had passed were only a night's sleep to him. Both he and his antique book collection were preserved perfectly by modern archivist techniques.

Petix donated his collection to the library on the condition that he be permitted to read it whenever he wanted. He was given a small apartment on the outskirts of Capital City, Grandor.

Sixth months ago he met the Duchess Oblast, who was viewing the priceless collection of ancient literature and drawing. He gave his expert insight into the meanings behind the primitive drawings and their mythological tales. The Duchess was intrigued by his knowledge on the subject and after a spontaneous and informal chat, he became her dog walker.

Subject passed conditioning testing and thorough background check analysis.

Subject tagged and monitored: Petix.G.880.SW.0.NK.4545.

Royal family authorization: GRANTED

***

Greg took another drag and handed the cigarette back to Onzaga. They were good friends, but she had company on the veranda and though Greg felt surprisingly at ease with them, he wondered who they were and could no longer contain his excitement about it.

Sitting at each of the four chairs of the table overlooking the gardens was respectively: a green gecko-looking lifesize Komodo Dragon wearing brown leather pants and a vest, another big lizard being with black scales and orange/pink highlights, he was wearing similar pants and no shirt, a synthetic female humanoid with short cropped curly hair all piled on her head, dripping down and slightly framing her high cheekbones, and at the head of the table, Onzaga Oblast.

"Yes, yes, Gregory, you'll have to be careful with this stuff." She took another pull herself. "Now I'd like to introduce you to my guests."

She whirled her cigarette around in the direction of the others seated at the table.

"This is Mox, a representative of the Varan government and his associates Mr. Zandar Vandar Blunt and Miss Loopamudra Bharali."

"Greg Petix, rhymes with buttocks." Greg said with a nervous laugh, possibly overplaying his hand.

The black and pink lizard man with the broader flatter head laughed. His laugh spread to Onzaga, Loopamudra, and then to Greg who found himself laughing one of the biggest full belly laughs he had laughed since awakening on this foreign planet. He had to wipe a tear from his eye before he was finished.

"Hey, you know, you look just like a big Gila Monster. I lived in a desert city called Tucson for a while and we had lizards that looked just like you. Never saw one in the flesh before though." Greg had been wanting to make this comparison since he walked up.

"I'm the descendant of desert people myself. A Heela Monster you say?" Said Zandar, knowing the human meant to charm him.

"Yeah, yeah, the Sonoran desert. Not that you look like a monster though, that's just what they called them. They're really cool."

Greg felt like he had made a new friend in Blunt. He had met a shit load of new species in the last year of his life and he was only now figuring out how to deal with them.

Mox stood up, threw a scaly green popeye-ish arm around Greg's shoulder, and shot out his long thin serpentine tongue. "Well, Greg, we'd like to piggyback on your invite. Murder Loop here, I mean Loopamudra would like to join you as your date. That is if you wouldn't mind?"

"Murder loop! Good one, Mox." Laughed Greg awkwardly.

Loopamudra was very attractive and rather cute by any opinion. On closer inspection, she was a synthetic humanoid. Greg wasn't sure, and he didn't care, she was hot! As far as Greg was concerned she was perfect. In truth, she was physical perfection. An older archetypal design yes, but still a top of the line synthetic artificial lifeform. Mox may have overplayed his hand as well, making murder jokes about a reprogrammed assassin model.

"I'd love to go with you!" Greg smiled a big friendly grin at a woman who looked half his age, but was really twice it, at least.

"Excellent." Loopa winked at Greg with a smirk.

"It's settled then, it'll be a delightful soiree, I'm sure." Mox smiled too and slapped Greg on the back.

***

Grandor Prime Security Clearance

Dossier: Mox

Age: 5000+ estimated

Species: Varan

Title: Deep Space Explorer, Unofficial Varan Government Representative, Ambassador to the Ursa Minor Robotic Corporation, Covert Operative Grandor Security (Special assignment only).

Ship: The Brick

Crew: Zandar Vandar Blunt plus synthetics and robots.

Background: CLASSIFIED

Warning: Potential spy for the Varan government, generally helpful and pleasant, but may have his own agenda that is not outwardly apparent. His robotic guard is considered extremely dangerous and is not to be approached without official clearance.

Royal family authorization: GRANTED and extended to his crew, but not his robots.

***

The emperor had just announced the solidification of the empire and the end of a thousand years of war. Over two million citizens had come out to see the event. Greg was watching the big speech on the monitor in his room when a slick looking vehicle came to pick him up. Greg pulled on his jacket, stuffed his modified cigarettes into his pocket, and headed out. A falcon door opened up on the shiny hover car and inside sat Loompamudra in a tasteful black evening gown. Greg hopped in and the car immediately pulled away.

"Hey, your eyes really have a nice glow." He smiled at his date.

In the darkened interior, Loopa's synthetic eye's glowed yellow. Her three pupils formed a perfect triangle in each eye. They tended to spin when she focused. Greg wasn't sure how she was driving the vehicle so fast while looking at him.

"Thank you."

"So, ah, where're your lizard buddies?" Greg asked hoping to see Zandar again.

"They're arriving separately. Don't mention them. I'm with you. The Duchess hooked us up. We met at her place."

This was technically true and Greg didn't really mind. Once again she was very attractive, synthetic or not, and it had been 50,000 years since he'd been on a date. They rode along the winding country roads that led into the city highway system.

"I know you aren't supposed to ask a woman's age, but how old are you?" Greg broke the silence.

"I'm 127. I have a 250-year lifespan."

Greg was doing the math in his head. "So you're middle-aged too, then?" He had to admit this made him feel a little more at ease.

Loopamudra narrowed her eyes and pulled the car onto the upper-level express lanes. They passed over the throngs of people now exiting the great city of Grandor. The sun was setting behind a backdrop of countless skyscrapers and the jetting spirals of the palace. They pulled up to its front and exited the car. Paparazzi took pictures of them as they walked to the edge of a giant golden carpet. Most of the guests had already arrived. Loopa stood a full two meters tall in her black heeled boots. Greg walked around the car and they hooked arms and walked through the security checkpoint. He flashed their royal golden invite and they were ushered in. The expanse of the golden carpet ran around the side of the palace. It was easily a full city block long, lined with exotic flowers the whole way.

"Mind if I have a smoke on the walk?" Greg asked as he was already lighting up.

"Go ahead, I'll make sure you get home." Her superior senses could easily identify the carcinogens in Greg's exhales.

They strode down the golden carpet. Greg felt like a movie star. In some ways he had the look of a ruff and tumble film director; his expensive looking borrowed suit, his messy hair, his stubbly facial hair, his wildly out of date smudged eyeglasses. The Jakz Juice in his cigarette was kicking in and by the time they hit the grand entrance to the palace he was flying high.

They passed through the huge gilded doorway into a sea of people. It was a jaw-dropping scene. There were humanoid people, big green ogre Gastraddars, blue Zorr people, red fire people, Varan lizard people, huge fuzzy looking gorillas, pure white skinned Klandars with bright red eyes, outlandish costumes and a rainbow of colorful frocks and garments, a group of small little gnomes controlling human-sized robotic bodies, beings in spacesuits needing artificial breathing apparatus, insects that looked like giant wasps, feathered birdlike beings, robotically enhanced cyborgs, bald seafoam green robed #71eeb8 clones that looked like a cult, outrageously dressed meter tall shit talking tree frogs called Jakz, the far wall was all glass and behind it floated whales and exotic looking aquatic merpeople, and no shit, a fucking dinosaur! It walked amongst the crowd with a long neck reaching halfway to the top of the high vaulted ceiling.

"Holy shit, I'm trippin'." Greg held onto Loopamudra.

Across the cathedral sized gala hall, Mox was making the rounds, shaking hands with dignitaries, buddying up with old friends, looking for interesting tidbits of galactic info, flirting. When Zorpia Zorr saw him walk by she couldn't believe her eyes.

***

Grandor Prime Security Clearance

Dossier: Qubilah Zorpia Zorr

Age: 42

Species: Zorr Human Hybrid

Title: Viceroy of the Planet Zorr, elected by the people when her father stepped down

Ship: The Dead Barge (a rehabbed Zorr Consortium deep space frigate)

Crew: 9 Zorr, 1 Rindo

Note: Longstanding friend of the Oblast family, mentor to the emperor's daughter Nuirka.

Warning: Former pirate.

Royal family authorization: GRANTED

Weapon carry permitted.

***

"My dear old Uncle Mox." She said with her hand on her hip and huge smile across her face. "How long has it been? 15 years?"

Mox turned around to see Zorpia in all her loveliness. A sparkling dress slit high on both legs, ankle boots, a vibrant sapphire necklace, and as always, her thick leather belt held the Dead Sword. She was one of the few armed attendees and her legendary black bladed weapon marked her as Captain of the Dead Barge. Age had been kind to her. Her hair was shorter but still wavy and thick with maybe a few more bright blue highlights than last time. Her eyes sparkled bluer than her necklace. She still had the light blue jagged scar across her otherwise perfect brown skinned complexion. When she smiled it made a Z.

Mox shot his tongue out twice in quick succession. Zorpia spread her arms wide and took her green scaly ageless uncle in for a big squeeze.

"You'll always be Uncle Tongue-Tong to me." She whispered to him. He was long lost family.

Standing next to Zorpia was Bloc Wave, a tall thin androgynous jet black skinned Rindo, wearing bright yellow velvet shorts with matching thermal goggles and nothing else. He, like Mox, hadn't aged a day. His misty smoke filled eyes swirled around on his angelic face.

"Nice to see you two still palling around." Mox held a clawed palm toward Wave's chest.

Bloc Wave returned the Varan greeting by placing his open hand on Mox's chest. "Good to see you too. I'm still interested in that engine room job, if you'd have me?"

"We might consider that...it would be a serious commitment." Zandar Vandar Blunt grinned as he appeared out of the crowd of people.

Swirling across the center of the hall, Greg was pulling Loopamudra towards what he described as "the brontosaurus," when he noticed the walking Gila Monster. Zandar was hugging what appeared to be a human woman. The group was talking and started to head through a back set of gilded doors.

"Hey, it's Blunt and Mox and is that another human with them?"

Greg suddenly felt less alone in the universe. He veered in their direction.

"She's maybe part human, but she is definitely a Zorr. Just look at her eye's and her crystal looking blue fingernails." Loopa observed.

"How can you see that far?" Greg squinted as they moved through the packed house.

Loopa mumbled under her breath, "Target analysis: Zorr Human female, confirmed."

"What?"

"Yes, Greg, she is part human. I have advanced visual capabilities."

"Zorr's are the blue people right?" To Greg, she looked African with punk rock hair.

"Affirma... Yes, Greg, she is Zorr. Her human mother's skin tone was more dominant than the sky blue of her Zorr father." Loopamudra confirmed and began leading Greg towards them.

A large mostly silver-haired gorilla in a tuxedo stopped them in their path. A wisp of orange hair on his forehead seemed to brighten when he spoke and he did so with a dignified accent.

"Mr. Petix, I presume." The great ape extended a large black hand.

Greg shook the powerful paw and was moved by the human expression in the creature's eyes.

"I'm Professor Red Peters, Onzaga has told us so much about you." Three other gorillas, one in an odd fitting evening gown gathered around. "We're all great admirers of your work and we'd love to have you speak as a guest lecturer at the Grandor Academy of Music."

Several CDs from Greg's old bands were discovered within his comic book collection.

"Oh, please do Mr. Petix. We're just wild about your musical recordings. What was the name of your ensemble again?" Said the female gorilla.

"The Weird Lovemakers, ma'am." Smiled Greg.

"How charming. And with such youthful vigor and progressive rhythms. Fantastic, seriously."

"Can we count on you?" Professor Peters asked.

"Of course, I'd be glad to come talk about being a human, who was in some rock bands. It would be great. I have a bunch of stories I could tell."

"Wonderful, the Academy will be delighted to host you." Large paws gently patted Greg on the shoulders. It made him feel comforted and safe.

The kind hearted gorillas sent Greg and on his way, touched by the oddity of his newfound intellectual friends. Gorillas are awesome was all he could think. He and Loopamudra made their way to the back doors of the great hall and were immediately confronted by security.

Greg was fumbling through his jacket pockets when a guard noticed the pin in his lapel was the crest of the royal family.

"Excuse us sir, but we're going to have to scan your escort." Said the guard that seemed to be in charge.

One of the other members of the security team scanned Loopamudra with a handheld device. It beeped. Greg found the golden invite and showed it to security.

"I knew it was in there somewhere." He smiled and felt a little sweaty.

"You're both good to enter, Sir. Sorry for the delay. Enjoy your evening." And security ushered them both through.

"What species was that guy?" Said one guard to the other.

"I don't know, but if he is a royal why is with a synthetic?" The security team shrugged it off.

The back hall was just as grand and large as the front hall with a third of the people and twice the women. Widowed emperors don't stay single long. The cream of the crop of a multitude of species mingled in the center of the room. Never in all his life had Greg seen so many beautiful people, all in one place, the true upper echelon of galactic society.

The glass wall from the other hall continued in the back. It made the entire left side of the space into an aquarium of epic proportions. Behind the floor to ceiling window floated enormous creatures of the deep. There were at least a half dozen full sized sperm whales gliding between the two parties. A colossally magnificent light gray colored one floated above the long and extremely well-staffed bar.

"Let's get a drink." Greg made a beeline to the refreshments. On the way, they passed Mox who had two drinks in each hand.

"Welcome to the real party." Winked the lizard.

Greg followed suit and ordered two drinks for himself. Loopa didn't want anything.

"Are you sure, I mean, it's open bar?" Greg hadn't paid for a thing in the last year of his life, but he still felt the need to indulge in free booze.

They trailed after Mox who was now at the end of the hall.

Across the back wall were eleven giant black stone sculptures. They looked incredibly ancient, the large stone face carvings of Angkor Wat paled in comparison. These huge stone men sat in large square chairs like Abe at the Lincoln Memorial. They looked out over the room of people. Lines of white quartz crystal sparkled around their bodies. They were chunky and minimal with simplistic facial features, but on closer inspection they each seemed to have a completely unique personality.

In front of the row of stone giants was a raised step where the emperor and his family were standing and greeting guests. Greg made eye contact with Onzaga but wanted to meet this other Earth woman before he said hello. As luck would have it she was speaking to the emperor's daughter Nuirka. Everyone at the 'real party' was queueing up for a quick one-on-one with the emperor.

At the front of the receiving line was a group of the seafoam green robed #71eeb8 clones, followed by two huge green ogre men, followed by three tall all white skinned scantily dressed ladies, behind them was Mox and company who seemed to be a buffer for the blue Zorr people that followed. Blunt was talking to a tall skinny black skinned man in bright yellow shorts. Mox put his arms around the two of them and they walked off into the crowd.

Greg made his move. He walked right up to the half-human woman who was chatting with the young Nuirka.

"Hi, I'm Greg, I'm a human. I guess you're part human too?"

Zorpia gave him a smile that would have made his date jealous, if she wasn't a cyborg following very specific instructions.

"I'm Zorpia, my mother was human. Everyone has always complimented me on my complexion. You seem rather pale for a human, no?" Zorpia was definitely curious, he did look somewhat like her grandfather's friends.

"I'm North American, well, I guess I'm more European when it comes to my family heritage, where I'm guessing yours is African."

"African?" Zorpia had no idea what he was talking about.

"I should level with you. I just got here this cycle and my first 50 years were on Earth, so..."

"He's Grandmama's dog walker. He was unfrozen after thousands of years. He's like a walking antique." Nuirka rolled her eyes at Greg, she wasn't a big fan and considered him a bad influence on her Grandmother, even if it was really the other way around.

"So you actually lived on Earth then?" Zorpia was fascinated, she was only aware of the small band of deep space travelers she descended from.

The #71eeb8 clones moved on and everyone stepped closer. The two huge green men made a big show of talking to the emperor. They brandished jagged swords and bowed extravagantly.

"Wow, who are those guys?" Greg asked.

"That's the young king of Gastraddar. He killed his father to take the throne you know." Zorpia explained.

"I'll stay away from him then," Greg whispered.

After the King of Gastraddar was done swearing allegiance to the empire they stepped back into audience of attendees. Greg got a good look at the three stark white women next in line. Huge fit amazons, they towered over the emperor. Seven feet tall easily in Greg's estimation. They had intense red eyes and gnarly teeth. Their white hair was done up in gravity defying plates and spikes. They were definitely some kind of albino mammal species or something. They made Zorpia edgy, Greg could tell that. Also, for some reason, Loopamudra was just standing there next to Greg silently watching the emperor.

Onzaga stepped aside for a moment after greeting the three ladies and left the receiving line. Nuirka replaced her at her father's side. Greg was thinking he would leave, when Zorpia gestured he should stay.

"We can meet the Oblasts together. After all, I represent Humans as well as Zorrs."

They both joined Loopamudra in watching the emperor, as they were next. Emperor Oblast was shaking the hand of the last of the three women. She held onto his hand much longer than necessary.

She pulled Oblast in close to her and whispered. "Now is when you die."

Another pulled a blaster pistol from under her skirt and waved it at the crowd.

"The Klandar Authority will never bow to likes of you! Tonight the reign of the Oblasts...."

Mox was in the middle of the room laughing at a particularly entertaining tale of ship maneuvering high jinks when he heard the yelling. Everyone looked forward. The whales in the tank suddenly vanished. The Woad were moving. In a flash, there was a pile of stone giants on the floor. Then there was a muffled detonation.

Greg Petix saw things in a very different light. He would recall it all later as happening in slow motion. He would never be sure if it was the sheer shock of the moment or a lucky mind-altering experience brought on by Jakz Juice. Probably a little of both. Everything that happened seemed to happen all at once.

Greg was right there, not a meter away from Volodymyr Oblast. He heard the whispered threat of death. He saw the Klandar woman with the pistol pointing it at him and at the crowd of people in front of her. He heard her words in full.

"...Tonight the reign of the Oblasts Ends!"

Loopa's arm unhooked from his. Greg stepped forward moving after her almost by instinct. He felt Zorpia moving in parallel at his side. She drew her sword as she advanced. He would swear later that it made a moaning sound as it whooshed through the air.

He saw Onzaga behind the Emperor, the look on her face was pure terror. She pressed her back against one of the stone giants in the chairs behind her. The huge stone man moved. The sparkle of the white quartz stripes running around its black stone body caught the light. The stone creatures, that Greg would later learn were called the Woad, all started to move. He blinked his confused eyes as what he previously thought of as sculptures came to life. Onzaga was shielded by one of the Woad, she disappeared from view completely. When the Woad stood up they were huge, five meters tall easily. Greg stopped in his tracks.

The third Klandar woman squatted down in front of the emperor. She reached up with both hands and unhinged her own jaw. She opened up her mouth like she was a lion. She reached inside and pressed two of her back teeth simultaneously. A blinking green light appeared on the roof of her mouth.

Loopa advanced. She dove through the air like a human rocket. In a single movement she kicked both Nuirka and the Klandar holding onto the Emperor. Nuirka flew towards Greg and he opened his arms and grabbed hold of the teenager with all his might. He wasn't thinking, he was acting.

Zorpia literally disarmed the Klandar women with the blaster pistol. Greg watched with horror as bright red blood splattered across Zorpia. Her thick bladed sword sliced through the bone of the woman's arm with incredible speed.

Loopa grabbed Oblast and shoved him back towards the towering stone giants. One of them laid down on the ground and Loopamudra and the emperor were suddenly gone from view. A wall of black stone with sparkly white lines running around it filled Greg's vision.

Another Woad passed above him and lay down behind him. It happened so quick he could hardly register it. He moved backwards and felt the hard rock at his back.

The squatting Klandar woman stood up and spread her arms out. The other was getting up off the floor. Zorpia slashed her sword across the chest of the armless one, then ran up her body and jumped from her shoulders out over the top of the two Woad that had become a stone wall around them.

Greg pulled Nuirka close to him. He leaned forward and felt a space to move behind him. He pulled himself and the girl through the legs of the Woad. It's stone thighs closed tight the second they were through. Two more Woad jumped and laid flat on top of the others trapping the three assassins between them. There was an explosion.

Nuirka flinched in Greg's arms, then she turned around and hugged him.

The music never stopped playing.

***

Greg Petix received the Grandor Medal of Valor. Emperor Volodymyr Oblast presented it to him that very night. Zorpia was hailed as the hero of the empire. The news would report it as a failed assassination attempt, but Greg would not receive any coverage. He did, however, go on to have one of the greatest nights of his entire life.

It was later that very evening that Volodymyr Oblast decided that he would, once and for all, disband the empire completely. He would announce it on the one-year anniversary of galactic peace.

Mox would report that it was a non-event evening highlighted by some of the most beautiful creatures in the known universe and a marvelous stone display by the Warriors of Woad.

That same year Greg would encounter another Sleldack space slug who would offer him a way back home. But that is another story.