Y/n: Give me a drink, bartender.

Sitting on the bar stool was out boi, Y/N, next to him was Lumine, and the floating guide, Paimon.

The bartender, known as Charles. Was just staring directly at your eyes, as if he was reading your soul. His eyes squinting a bit, while you remained there with a calm and collected look on your face. Meanwhile the bartender was confused on how the fuck you spoke with unsynched lips.

Charles: ...........

Then he remembered who you were Clank he pulls out a glass and pours some grape juice to it for a very important reason.

FWOOOOOSH! Pushing the now half filled glass of grape juice across the booth it somehow made a loud ass noise while doing so.

Meanwhile Lumine and Paimon were just looking at it float across the counter, and reaching your direction, their eyes never leaving it. And now it passes you, while you didn't even react to it.

And plup, gravity does it's one job, as the glass made contact a CRASH filled the surprisengly quiet bar.

Paimon: Yikes...

Charles: Why the hell didn't you catch it!?

Putting your arms on the counter, you tilit your head towards the brown haired bartender.

Y/n: Hmm... That's one of life's greatest mysteries. I'm no scientist but I'm pretty sure, it's because you pushed it too fast for me to react.

And now you were using your hand as a support to beam your head up, while you replied nonchalantly.

Charles: Now that's a damn lie! Who is gonna pay for that?

Y/n: You. You're the reason it's broken after all.

Charles: .... You asshole.

Y/n: Glad you noticed. Plus it was half full, scammer. Wonder what Diluc would think.

Charles: H-hey now! Let's not get hasty!

And now, a wild smug smile appeared on your face.

Y/n: Wine please.

Charles: That'd be even worse! Master Diluc made sure to not let us serve you any alcoholic beverages even if you are in drinking age or not! I'm not looking forwards to getting fired!

With a sigh, you rest your head.

Y/n: Damn you... The curiosity is killing me.

Lumine: Well, Diona wouldn't be too happy. So guess that's a plus?

Y/n: Frick... How long is that Pyro lad's gonna take to show up?

Charles: Already told you, in a couple of minutes.

Y/n: Ah yes, an hour is a couple of sixty minutes.

Paimon: Ooh! Ooh! Paimon just remembered something! Usually in stories, the people go to a tavern for information and gossips!

Charles: Gossips, huh? Hmm...

Lumine: Oh, you got something?

Paimon: Paimon was right on the money! No dying of boredom here!

Y/n: *muffled* Continue talking while I suffer.

Charles: Alright then... This is more of an urban legend, even minding my own Mondstadtian ass business, I still end up hearing all about it.

Paimon: Uh-oh... I-it's not one of those scary urban legends... Is it?

The fairy's eyes widen and now has a smol panicked look on her face. She puts her hand on the left side of her chest to slightly calm her racing heart.

Paimon: I-if so, Paimon needs to take a deep breathe first!

Y/n: AVOCADO ON PIZZA!

Paimon: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! IT'S WORSE!

Y/n: Pff- You're so easy! It's not scary, it's disgusting!

You then fall into a pit of a thing called laughing. While the emergency food didn't look too happy.

Paimon: We're NOT going back to these jokes!

Y/n: Oh, we definitely are! Nyeheha-

Suddenly you felt as if something was stuck in your chest, as your laughter stops and turns into a fit of coughing while holding your chest.

Paimon: H-Hey! You okay!?

Lumine: Water. Now!

Without missing a beat, the blond immediately ordered the bartender to get a glass of wo'ah.

And so he put his bartender speed to use and immediately BAM it appeared just as fast as Putin when he sees a political rival and makes them gone.

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Y/n: A-ah *cough* Th-This sucks...

Paimon: Oh, man... You were like those horrible villains that they to do their evil laugh only to cough in the process.

Y/n: I hate how you're right... *sigh* Getting babysitted is not something good for my pride...

Lumine: You have way too much pride and ego, Y/N, tone it down a bit.

Y/n: Never. It's more fun this way. Charlie, go ahead and tell us the tale.

Charles: Ah... Okay. (Did I see things or was that a red spark on his eye? Who am I kidding, he choked on air. It's probably nothing.) This is the tale of... The Darknight Hero!

Paimon: .... What?

Y/n: WE'VE GOT A DAMN BOOTLEG BATMAN!

Lumine: So that's why the name was familiar, it's from those comics Y/n showed me. Honestly, I expected something a little... Spicier?

Charles: .... Are you guys for real right now?

Y/n: I mean... Yeah.

Paimon: Paimon thinks so, it's like an edgy name someone would give themselves. Something from a not-so-good story about a very edgy, plain main character.

Lumine: Then it turns out it was the author's self insert.

Y/n: Hehehehe.

You're killing them. Stop! I don't want this story to get sued! It's my only source of income and where I finally got accepted!

Charles: Uh... Um... Anyway! It is said that he appears in the middle of thr night to fight evil and uphold justice.

Y/n: Definitely a batman wannabe.

Lumine: Is that about it? No more info?

Charles: No one really knows who he is, guess he likes the mystery. After all, it's a good way to get the ladies' attention.

Y/n: Wouldn't be surprised if there's already a fan club or something. There is definitely gonna be that one gal who writes a story about him and herself.

Charles: If you're interested in these gossips and rumors, why don't you go ask around in the plaza while you wait for Master Diluc? When he returns ill inform him about it.

Paimon: Well, it certainly would beat staying in here.

Y/n: Well, gang, guess we got a mystery to solve. Me and Daphne will go search the bedroo-

TIMESKIP BROUGHT YOU BY Y/N COSPLAYING SHAGGY DESPITE HIS LINE BEING FROM FRED

Margaret: Ah, Honorary Knight... And the others.

Lumine: Others, huh?

Y/n: *chuckling* Oh, how the tables have turned.

Rolling her eyes, the flower lover nudges your shoulder with a small smile.

Paimon: We're here to find out who is the person who is trying their hardest to avoid "copy right", Darknight Hero!

Margaret: Oh, him? Well, look no further. It's me! I am the Darknight Hero!

And now the owner of Cat's Tail strikes a very heroic pose. To which you had a deadpanned expression of.

Y/n: Don't think someone with the most generic ass face that has been copied and paced to all Mond's NPC chicks is important.

Lumine: Ouch...

Fidgeting a bit, the boss of the C A T returns to her normal form.

Margaret: N-No need to go that far! I was just joking around!

Y/n: Whoops.

Paimon: Heh...

Margaret: Jokes aside, I do think that the Darknight Hero and I have one thing in common.

Paimon: Oh, what would that be?

Alas, now she adopts a more thoughtful look while she answers.

Margaret: It's... The way he sticks to his principles... Coming out here night after night, fighting for justice, keeping Mondstadt safe...

Y/n: How much more Batman-y can he get? Is his parents dead, and he is super rich with a good business he inherited from his family?

Paimon: Wait. Margaret, so you're a nocturnal vigilant too?

Margaret: N-No, I just mean... He must be seriously rich. The Honorary Knight's theory was correct, but I don't know about the inherited part, and... The dark one.

Paimon: Uh, Paimon doesn't get it. Why do you think that, Margaret?

Margaret: People only start worrying about spiritual fulfillment once they have enough material wealth. It's the same in every hero story, isn't it?

Lumine: So... You're just flaunting your wealth in our faces?

With her casual face, Lumine asked while slightly tilting her head.

Margaret: Heh. No, it's nothing like that. I just have too much time on my hand these days.

That's what the author used to have, until the Summer courses came along taking away his free time to prepare him for the upcoming school year. Fucker's writing this in whatever free time he has.

Paimon: Same difference, you're the boss of the Cat's Tail after all...

Margaret: Well, that's about all I can say, why don't you ask the guards at the city gate? They do night shifts all the time, surely they must know something.

Y/n: (Rich... Rich folks, how many clans were in Mond again? Should I try to solve this now or is it too soon? Meh, let's just continue.) Well, onto the next person!

*insert "To the Bat mobile" transition here*

Y/n: 🎶Nanananananananana🎶

Paimon: BATMAN!

Lumine: Now this song is gonna be stuck in my head while I try to sleep. Thanks.

Y/n: No problem!

Paimon: We try our best! ... Most of the time.

Lawrence: This is definitely catchy though.

Said the guard who was... Guarding.

Lawrence: So... You want to know about him? In fact, I'm one of the few who was able to lay eyes on him.

Paimon: Nice! SPILL THE 🅱️ E A N S !

Lawrence: O_o H-hey, easy now! Don't get ahead of yourself. Let me start slowly... I was patrolling one night when suddenly I heard something. I rushed over to check it out. I saw a gang if suspicious-looking fellows who looked like they were up to no good. So I quickly hid.

Paimon: H I D !? You're supposed to be a guard! Guards guard stuff!

Lawrence: That's when he appeared...

Lumine: Wow. He's totally ignoring you.

Y/n: Feels bad. He's definitely not getting a promotion nor a raise.

Paimon: YOU PIECE OF--

Lawrence: He was dressed in black from head to toe, perfectly hidden in the night.

Y/n: Did he go "I am the darkness, I am the night" in a voice that sounds like he just woke up without clearing his throat?

Lawrence: Uh, not really.

Y/n: *sigh* At least learn the damn basics. But the way he crept up on those bad guys, it must have felt like a living nightmare.

Paimon: Oh wow...

Lawrence: Guess what I did next?

Lumine: Run like a coward...

Y/n: While pissing your pants in the process...

Paimon: Then use that pants as a stink bomb to become his sidekick!

Lawrence:

Paimon: I think we got it all correct! Hooray for us!

And the victory floating spin has been invented.

Lawrence: I wouldn't do any of these things! I won't run, because I'm not the bad guy there, but I did leave the scene. I didn't want to be a nuisance to the Darknight Hero... So instead, I headed to the Knights of Favonius' residence.

Lumine:You thinking the Darknight Hero is one of the Knights?

Lawrence: Correct. I thought, "Surley someone with such a strong sense of justice and who voluntarily protects Mondstadt is exactly the kind if person you'd find in the Knights of Favonius."

Y/n: Not the dumb ones in the Cathedral and Springvale though. Was he even supposed to be in Springvale in the first place though? Oh, and certainly not that Bruce guy who was drinking in the tavern.

Lawrence: So that's where he is! Aw, bastard... I'll definitely get this back from him later. I'll get back to the story... Turns out I was wrong.

Lumine: What a letdown.

Lawrence: I know... I checked everywhere, and no sign of missing Knights.

Paimon: So whoever he is, he's not with the Knights.

With a disappointed look on his face, the guard replies.

Lawrence: Yes. But I just can't understand... Why would someone like that not want to join the Knights?

Y/n: (Sounds like he doesn't like the Knights... Now who does this remind me of.......... Yeah, I think we all know.)

Lawrence: I'm sure they'd warmly welcome someone of his abilities. They did accept her so I don't think he'd be in any trouble.

Lumine: Who?

Lawrence: A person that makes my name look bad...

Paimon: So, you don't know who the Darknight is...

Nervously scratching the back of his head, the guard tries to defend himself.

Lawrence: Hey, don't be like that! At least by talking to me you've ruled out a few more people...

Y/n: Don't worry, those were actually helpful.

Lawrence: Phew... Not totally useless! Oh yeah!

He pumps his fist to the sky with a damn excited face.

Lawrence: Oh, I remembered something. Go to that girl who works at the Flower Shop, she just keeps talking about the time the Darknight Hero rescued her.

Well... Onto the next person. Turns out it was the brown haired gal called Donna, she was staring blankly, almost as if she left this world and is currently livi G in a fantasy one inside her head... Which is probably the case.

Paimon: Hello there! We want to talk about the Darknight He-

Donna: MY HERO!

Lumine: Yup, we found her.

Y/n: This gal is still in her puberty phase.

Finally realizing how dumb she looked, she used her willpower to kick away the fantasies for a few minutes.

Donna: Sorry! It's just... Hearing his name gets me lost in thought... Hold on, how did you know I was thinking about him?

Paimon: We were actually here to ask a qu-

Donna: It was that obvious? Oh no, what am I gonna do...? If Master Diluc ever finds out--

Y/n: Does he even know about your existence in the first place?

Still flabbergasted by how she was cought daydreaming, she didn't hear you... Probably for the better.

Y/n: This narration is just as bad as her in game's model. Why not use the manga's?

Ayo, man. I'm not the one writing here! Blame the rushed banana!

Paimon: What does Diluc have to do with this though?

Donna: *sigh* Might as well spill the beans... I used to think Diluc was the one for me.

Y/n: Who even are you again?

Lumine: Y/n, let's not do that now.

Donna: B-But ever since the time I was rescued by the Darknight Hero... I-I just don't know anymore...

Paimon: Wowee, so you really saw him! What's he like?

Donna: I don't know... It all happened so fast. All I remember is seeing a flash if fire... But I felt safe. I only saw his silhouette but it felt so... Familiar. You know, like when you meet someone for the first time and you feel like you've known them for a while.

Y/n: (It's so fucking Diluc. Super rich, check! Is not with the Knights because they're so... Ahem.. iN3fFiciEnT, and he's a Pyro lad. I'm a damn genius! Shame on you Mond residents for not figuring it out, I only came by and met Diluc not too long ago, and vuala! Case closed!)

THE EGOOOO! LORD, HELP US ALL!

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The trio were now walking around the streets of Mond, heading back to the tavern, led by Sir Shenanigans.

Paimon: Hmmmm.... Based on what we know... Yeah, Paimon has no idea.

Y/n: Hehe. No surprise there, no-brainer.

Not missing a second, you immediately went for the insult with a cocky smirk on your face.

Paimon: HEY! As if you figured it out already!

And that cocky smirk turned into a smugass smile. You put your hand to the back of your head, as you reply.

Y/n: I dunnooo... Maybe I did.

Lumine: Leave some mystery for us, Y/N.

Y/n: Don't worry, Lu. You don't really know that Pyro-dude that well, so I don't blame you for not figuring it out... As for Paimon, she was there and experienced the same thing I did, therefore she's a certified dumbass.

Paimon: You... Alright! Spill 'em! Who is he?

Y/n: A certain Wine Industry owner that Diona doesn't like very much.

Lumine: Hm....? Oh, that guy!

Paimon: WHOMST'D'VE'LY'YAINT'NT'ED'IES'S'Y'ES?

Y/n: We are heading back to the tavern for a reason, dumm-

CRASH

Paimon: Huh!? What was that!?

Y/n: Content! Let's go!

And thus, we see a wild Y/n rushing 🅱️, as his two companions follow. Passing the tavern, you remain running while wondering how dumb can these people be to not check what's going on.

Eventually, the crashing got louder, it was where the west gate of Mond was. And then a very familiar chanting came.

???: Guhus, Chio Valpi!

Lumine: How in the world did an Abyss Mage enter the city?

Y/n: Because plot!

Not wasting time wth the stairs, you immediately jumped like a mighty eagle!

Y/n: CACAW, MOTHERFUCKER!

The loud yell from the protagonist may have distracted the Cryo Abyss mage a bit, as it was too focused on the Geo Spear you threw.

Raising its staff with light blue particles coming from them, probably made using Unity's particle system, a great system to use for milk lovers.

Anyhow with Cryo spikes coming in together and fusing like a snowball except with extra steps, the mage uses it like a fly swatter, and swats the spear away.

In the meantime if these events happening, the red haired Pyro boi took advantages of the situation, and leaped towards the nearby wall and defies gravity by running on it, and alas the bounce of the ages came by with the fire infused Claymore and an anime swing with black screen that covers it for some reason because we don't want to spend more budget on em has appeared!

The owner of the Dawn Winery does a SUPERHERO LANDING in the background we see several small light beams coming from the Abyss Mage's body. Killer Queen has already touched that mage.

POOF it was gone, just like the author's creativity.

Paimon: Wait. So Master Diluc is the Darknight Hero!?

Y/n: Yes, Sherlock, he is the Bootleg Batman.

The Darknight Hero stood up, and faces out main characters.

Diluc: After managing to steer clear of the guards' patrol route... I never anticipated I'd run into anyone... But then again it's you we're talking about.

Y/n: Hehe. Feel free to compliment me more. Also you may have made a shit load of noise that even folks all the way to Liyue can hear.

Diluc:  ... Makes sense. I'm quite surprised that you are starting to go with logic.

Y/n: Oh, haha, Walmart Batman.

Diluc: "Batman"?

Lumine: He means your... Superhero name, Darknight Hero.

Diluc: "Darknight Hero"? Surely you don't expect me to come up with such childish name, do you?

Y/n: I mean... I still don't fully know your hobbies, sooo....

Sighing, the bootleg batman shakes his head.

Diluc: Well, no. I did not come up with it.

Paimon: Paimon is quite surprised. You don't know that people and even their dogs are yapping about your given title!

With the classic edgy (bit this time with an actual personaliyy rather that these stories) arms cross, Diluc replies.

Diluc: I do not concern myself with idle chatter... Though, I suppose I may take the idleness of others as a sign that peace prevails.

Paimon: Well, mystery solved then!

Y/n: No thanks to you, of course.

Paimon: This is war!

LOVE IS WA- No... No just stop this is not funny anymore. We're already suffering because we may have used all of our brain juice and jokes in the last chapter. Lord help us all. Who knew making a story would be this ha-

Oh, ignoring all of that. What's your opinion on this?

Its the

It's the Windwheel ASTER.

Y/n: Never in my life did I want to punch you and the author so fucking hard right now.

Love you too, bro.

Paimon: Well, before Y/n turns into a schizophrenic person again. Let's take this moment and talk about the weird name you chose, Mr. Darknight Hero!

Diluc: .... Please. Refer from calling me by that. It makes me uncomfortable.

Lumine: Don't feel down. We all chose weird names thinking we were cool at least once.

Paimon: Yup! That name sounds a bit stupid, and so un-original!

Crossing your arms, you look down on the floor.

Y/n: Dammit...

Although, this was not said to you. You could feel an arrow piercing your chest because that was basically you. And off comes all the cringey shit you have done.

Y/n: *mutters* I wish that clown killed me at that raid...

Paimon: But fear not, lost soul! Paimon is an expert at giving names! Let's see.... Captain... Pie...

Diluc: Pie?

Y/n: -mon, yeah.

Paimon: No! It's CAPTAIN PYRO!

Y/n: .... This is what the readers get after another month of no updates?

Lumine: So... Captain Burned-Pie, what was this about?

Diluc: .... It was the Abyss Order.

Y/n: Yeah, it's as if the Abyss Mage that fucking exploded didn't give it away. Also, isn't there supposed to be a guard here?

Diluc: That Guy in the Knights of Favonius is the same as the others... Iniffecient as always.

Stated DaddyDiluc while looking at the unguarded gate, he sighs and looks back to all of you.

Diluc: Although, I don't know what the Abyss Order are plotting this time. It seems they're performing some initial reconnaissance. Considering that I've proven myself to be one step ahead of them on countless occasions, their persistance is... Unusual.

Y/n: So basically, you go around all like "I am the darkness, I am the knight, I'm the hero Mondstadt needs but doesn't deserve, the person trying his utmost to not get copyrighted, I'm Butt-man."

He simply states at you blankly before shaking his head a little.

Diluc: I assume... I think. I am not doing this to impress anyone. I don't exactly know what you're referring to-

Y/n:

Diluc: ...

You didn't even need to hear an answer as you were already going through your bag that was like a damn void because of the amount of shit you put there.

Y/n: Just wait a minute... I'll find it....

Lots of shuffling was hear and we see Y/n putting his entire fucking arm in the bag.

Diluc: I should be used to this... But I'm not.

With a sigh, he gazes at Lumine and Paimon.

Diluc: Please, do keep this a secret, and don't let him yell it out from on top of the Cathedral. Do not let the Knights know I am involved in this.

Lumine: Got it.

Y/n: Where is it!? I swear it should be  right here!

(Alright. I'm not gonna lie, I ran out of brain juice here. I seriously can't think of how to make this entertaining, this makes me remember why a part of me hates writing as much as I enjoy it.)

So, let's do it the Dashing Drugs way.

Existintial pain is all I feel.

Oh look hilichurls spawned outta fucking nowhere right outside the gate.

Diluc: Deal with that shit. I'm out.

He threw a smoke bomb and proceeds to walk away, whole continously throwing smoke bombs with each step he takes.

Y/n: Oh look! The creatures that no one really bothers to give a fuck about despite them having their own language, culture, feelings. Let's kill them and rob their bases! We're the good guys remember!

Lumine: You okay, Y/N?

We also see Paimon with mascaras in her hands, she was shaking them violently.

Paimon: BIRCH IS JUST COW TREE!

You spin like a moron and your clothes change.

El Y/ne: ¡TU MAMÁ TIENE EL GAY!

BANG BANG BANG

This is as entertaining as we could make it. We made this shit up in like 20 seconds.

Ella Musk mission will be available later. Don't know when. But it's gonna get written, if the author forgets, make sure to remind him of it constantly because why not.

Huffman: I was about to get my wee-wee wet! What is happ- oh...

He didn't know, but something about a Sombrero wearing Y/n frightened him to his very core.

Huffman: Just pissed myself. Cool.

Paimon: Paimon will now say the identity of the Darknight Hero for absolutely no reason!

Lumine: Shut thy mouth!

Paimon: HAWEP MEAAAH! NWOOOOOO-

El Y/ne:¡Nos estamos quedando sin chistes y los lectores se están aburriendo!

Sighing a bit, you spin once again like a fucking morn returning to tour normal attire.

Y/n: Much better. Ay, where the fuck did Batman ran off to?

Off screen. Now onto the rest of the chapter.

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Huffman: So, basically. War with Darknight. And we want info.

Y/n: Why are we giving a shit again?

PLOT.

Y/n: This story is gonna die. Fear not Scanny Boi, we're joining you.

Huffman: Motherfuckers making language more weirder than it already is! We're hoping to talk to Darknight so I can suck-I mean warn him about this. Oh also, Mondstadt's safety and all.

Lumine: This is happening...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vCiT6rAjgc

Diluc was just standing in the middle of the Win-

BAM

Y/n: UNSURPER RAGVINDR, I REQUIRE GRAPE JUICE!

With a tired look on his face, the red haired boyo sighs.

Diluc: I'm starting to get this slight feeling that you have something against doors.

Lumine: Also there's a war against you.

Diluc: Yeah, I am aware of that. Though I appreciate you for taking the trouble to come all this way.

Paimon: How!?

Diluc: The Dawn Winery's intellegince network extends beyond commercial matters.

Paimon: So you have a plan, right?

Diluc: I am open to suggestions...

Paimon: ...

Y/n: Send in Klee, it'll be over in mere seconds.

Diluc: So would Mondstadt, that's a big no. There are still some ciphered parts we need to understand. And as a matter of fact, I'm sure that the others in the Abyss Order know these.

Diluc: It's not simply a war declaration, but also a notification to their own. I've been their enemy for so long now, they basically use me as a way to rally the troops now.

Y/n: .... That's a nice vase.

Your eyes may have drifted towards a very nice looking vase, it had nice colors.

Lumine: Don't.

Y/n: Pssshh. I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, and Diluc. I finally found it!

Diluc: I don't like where this is going...

TIMESKIP BROUGHT YOU BY THE FLU-FUCK YOU FLU!

We see a Hydro Abyss Mage, next to a bon of fire with four nearby hilichurls.

Abyss Mage: So I was sitting there. Barbecue sauce on my titties.

Hilichurl:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9odzlxOpP0

Abyss Mage: Oh, it wasn't that ba-

The hilichurl then took a crossbow and shot himself in the head.

Abyss Mage: O_o

Hilichurl#2: Ho...

Everyone then watches as the hilichurls body gets reduced to atoms.

Abyss Mage: Guess.... It was to die for?

The second hilichurl had a stroke and fucking died.

Abyss Mage: W-Why!? Q_Q

The third hilichurl looks at the fourth one with a confused look on its face?

Hilichurl#3: You hear som'? Sounds like music.

Hilichurl#4: Our name means "Ugly people" leave me alone.

Hilichurl#3: Ayo, what the-

And the wall is gone, just like this story's fourth wall and originality. The third hilichurl was blown away.

Hilichurl#3: TACOS!

Then it fell.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWUn6tzOAwU

Through the smoke a bunch of silhouettes are seen, and as it clears a bit. It reveals the superheroes!

Diluc: I wish I was dead.

THE MAN! THE MYTH! THE LEGEND WITH ABSOLUTELY CLEAN AND THICC THIGHS! WE INTRODUCE... BEST GIRL, Y/N!

Paimon: HEY, WHAT ABOUT US? WHY DON'T WE GET COOL FLASHY ENTRANCE! PAIMON'S ANRGY, SHE'S GONNA PUNCH THAT HILICHURL!

Hilichurl#4: What even is the meaning of li-

The hilichurl then just fell to the floor, not even bothering to move.

Hilichurl#4: Who even am I...? Why do I exist?

Lumine: This is fine.

Diluc: Is this the part where we get the Mage?

Y/n: Yes... IT IS TIME TO KICK GUM AND CHEW ASS, AND I'M ALL OUT OF ASS!
 

Abyss Mage:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ar-IEE_DIEo

Diluc goes with a right hook!

Followed by Robin's super kick!

Y/n: AY, THAT PICTURE IS NOT A PNG! FUCKING LIAAARS!

Abyss Mage: AHAGAGYh-

Then in comes Batman with his mighty move!

Y/n: WRONG PERSON!

Diluc: Not exactly.

Y/n: AY, FUCK YOU!

Y/N: HOW DOES IT FEEL NOW, BITCH!?

Diluc: You're on!

This kept on and on for a while now.

Paimon: Hey should we like.... Stop this?

Lumine: It's not gonna.... Trust me. Anyhow, about the--

Abyss Mage: THIS IS TORTUUUURE AAAAAAAAAA! NOBDY LOVES MY JOKES! WAAAAAAAAH!

Lumine: This day is interesting...

Abyss Mage: JUST TAKE THE DAMN CIPHERS, LEAVE ME IN MY MISERY!

Paimon: Uhh, your therapy has been scheduled for next Tuesday...

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Y/n: So...?

We see Y/n sitting next to Diluc hlwho had a comic in his hand adn was reading it.

Diluc: Hmm.... It's decent.

Then you had a smug look on your face, as you point at a certain line.

Y/n: Say it.

Diluc: I-....

He knew deep down, you won't shut up.... There was only one thing to do.

Diluc: *sigh* TO THE BATMOBILE!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vCiT6rAjgc

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Lumine: So, City Gate on tomorrow night at 10 PM.

Y/n: Seems legit.

The trio were back in Mond for some action, and by action I mean more dialouges about the Knights.

Huffman: What the dog doi- Oh hey! You two!

He proceeds to walk towards your location, and then BAM.

Huffman: MY FAWKING TOE! AAAAAAHHHH-

TIME SKIP BROIGHT YOU BY DASHINGBANANA OVERDOSING YET AGAIN

Huffman: This sucks.

Y/n: Yeah, you were puffing, and huffing.... Man.

Lumine: ...

Huffman: ...

Paimon: ...

The readers who waited for another month for a damn update:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1N5lZw7e78

Huffman: We offer the Darknight Hero condoms because child support.

Y/n: Or AR you?

STOP WITH THE PUNS! AAAAAAHHHHHHH-

Huffman: It turns out I fucking suck at lying, just like how much I want to suc- I mean what?

Lumine: ... So it's a ruse, right?

Huffman: Yes, in order for the Knights to play top and take over full- exclusive-responsibility for this matter.

Paimon: So... No more exaggerated comic sound effects?

Huffman: ... What? We want the people to rely on us, the fuckers, and not the fucked. Maiming it vanilla and not gore. Secondly, the Abyss have no mercy. If they saw the hero stuck between the fences, they will unzip...

Lumine: Am I hearing this all correct?

Paimon: Probably. Or we somehow entered a drug lord's head.

Y/n: All of the above.

What the fuck are these scripts, author? Are you really that bored of the normal dialouges? How much did you consu-

... Don't answer that.

Y/n: So, who's the one watching us waiting for the dramatic entrance right behind that very bush.

RUFFLE SHUFFLE a wild Kaeya has emerged from the deep Vietnam with a few leaves on top of his head.

Kaeya: I don't know, ask my neighbor.

Huffman: Daddy Kae-I mean Captain!

Lumine: Are we ignoring the fact that the fur he's wearing looks very identical to a Cryo Abyss Mage's?

Y/n: Wait wha-... Oh damn!

Paimon: He skinned it alive! Probably!

Huffman: I wish I was that- SHUT UP BRAIN!

Kaeya: Hoho... I have a plan, Huffman. This is a good one. Lately Master Diluc has been the bartender of Angel's Share. Keep him in sight for me, will ya?

Huffman: I got it. But are you sure?

Kaeya: No.

Huffman: Understandable, have a nice day.

And with that Huffman buffs away. Leaving the remaining bois.

Kaeya: I'm definitely not keeping you here because of the tavern by the way.

Y/n: Oh, then J definitely won't come up with a distraction that gives us the time to escape.

A few seconds pass, and you dramatically point so where.

Y/n: Oh look! A... Ghost.

We see a floating thing with a white curtain on it.

Definitely-Ghost-And-Not-Paimon: BOOGLY WOOGLY!

Y/n: So scary... We run... Watch me scream in horror.... Aaaaaaaaaaaah...

With a very awkward silence taking over, Lumine just took a hold of your hand and walked away.

Kaeya just watches as the ghost bumps against a tree.

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Diluc: A dick move.

Y/n: We already have Nightwing?

Diluc: Not that... *sigh* I should've known he'd make that move.

Paimon: Definitely bad blood between you two.

Lumine: So what's the plan?

Diluc: Hmm... Patience. And an alibi. First thing first tho, I need some Mist Flowers, you can gather them. They're not too far.

Paimon: GATHER THEM YOURSELF!

Y/n: I have like two hundred of them on me.

Diluc: I swear if you pull them out from that bag, I'm gonna-

You pulled them out from that bag.

Diluc: .... I'm done. My faith has already been destroyed by that drunkard, this is nothing. These are really good for attracting slimes, since they feed off elements and stuff. Those are irresistible for them.

Lumine: Well, that takes care of that then. Guess hoarding everything you see helps.

Y/n: Truly.

Diluc: As for the plan...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5YhQDe5wac

Diluc: Did you get it?

Y/n: Wow so creative, let's show them the plan in the end to make us seem more smarter than we actually are.

Paimon: But you're like the only person in this plan.

Y/n: Stealing my spotlight.

Lumine: Not every spotlight can be for you.

Y/n: Only if you're fat enough, you can take 'em all.

Diluc: I've already had this in mind. Don't worry.

TIME SKIP IS A TIME SKIP

Angel's Share

Diluc: Greetings, you sack of sh-

Ahem...

Diluc: Greetings, Mr. Huffman of the Knights of Favonius. To what do I owe the pleasure at this hour?

Huffman: ... Oh, erm, nothing.... I'm merely procrastinating like a fucking moron, and like a certain insecure idiot that is currently ill at the moment, also called Drug Lord. I thought I might indulge myself with a few beers.

Bruce: AY, WELCOME TO THE CLUB, MY-

Let's silence him before the banana gets into troubles.

Y/n: Hi, I exist to spite God.

Diluc: What would you like?

Huffman: Dandelion wine, I suppose.

Paimon: A P P L E J U I C E.

Lumine: I wonder how dandelion wine tastes like.

Diluc: Two dandelion, one apple juice.

Y/n: So about the wi-

Diluc: Never in a million years.

Y/n: I CAN'T POSSIBLY BE WORSE THAN VENTI!

Diluc: We all know you would. I don't care if you're at the age or not.

Oh yeah, how old is Y/n again...? Guess we'll never know because the author doesn't tell us.

Is it vital to the plot? Absolutely not.

Y/n: I AM OPRESSED! THIS AIN'T FREEDOM! I DEMAND TO MEET THE GOD OF FREEDOM, BARBIE DOLL!

Lumine: Next thing you know, you'll have a very stereotypical haircut.

Slumping against the counter, you sigh.

Y/n: (Fuck you, I'm not telling you that Kaeya is watching us.)

Paimon: Oh dear! Paimon forgot her money!

Lumine: It looks like I mistook the batches...

Y/n: The acting and the scenario is so bad, you'd think this will turn into a po- silence brain!

Huffman: Don't worry, my tre-

Y/n: It's all good. We'll be back after this small break.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FO1R_FHlWig

I want to thank waitwhatthisusername  for showing us this vid.

So after putting almost all the elemental energy shit at that gate, you all strut back inside as if you haven't causes the death of a bunch of grass.

Paimon: JUICE!

Diluc: Got it right here. I've brought Y/n the grape juice.

Meanwhile in the background, a very quiet thud is heard. A familiar pirate is seen with his head on the table.

Kaeya: (Who drinks grape juice at a bar?)

Suddenly the door gets flung open.

Guy: HUFFMAN! SLIMES, SLIMES EVERYWHERE! IT'S WORSE THAN THAT EROTIC BOOK!

Huffman: WHERE? I mean what? Uhh, I have some matters to attend to.

Diluc: Like drinking?

Huffman: Exac-

Diluc: This is how thje Knights treat crisis, huh? Always so inne-

Huffman: Alright alright! Ayo, Honorary Knight, a word please. *whisper* Keep an eye out for him, I'll be back shortly!

And thus he ran off.

Y/n: So... Costume change?

Diluc: ....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vCiT6rAjgc

Paimon: 🎶Nananananananana🎶

Y/n: COPYRIGHT!

*INTENSE HILICHURL WARCRY*

Batman goes in for a swing!

And the hilichurls are gone!

Oh look! Cryo Abyss Mages!

The blond gal had something familiar in her hand, non other than a wine bottle! With her might, she YEETs it towards them, CRASH once it made contact with the shields. The combo still remains, with Diluc's Pyro powers, as the wine gets set on fucking fire!

With her hand balled into a fist, a bluish creen orb proceeds to form, she goes for a swing on basically nothing, and the fucking ball explodes releasing a bigass gust of wind that started to take the fire alongside it.

As for Y/n... He had some additional stuff to his Robin costume.

Yeah, he was jumping on the hilichurls...

I feel like this joke could have been executed better, so don't get mad if we use it again later on, okay? Please? We're running out of content here.

Umm... Shit! Quick! Use a random video about someone who's actually talented and made a good joke to escape this awkward moment!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QK01q0bDZn0

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Diluc: Just a few hilichurls, alongside some Mages... We should head back.

TIME SKIP BROUGHT YOU NY DEPRESSION HAVING DEPRESSION, GET FU-

Diluc: Good... We've made it in time.

Everyone looked fine... Well, mostly everyone, you were panting like you ran a marathon.

Y/n: *pant* When you jump over your enemies heads, you'd understand!

Yeah, yeah. Oh look, Huffman is back.

Huffman: *huff* Man...

Fuck you, author.

Huffman: Finally dealt with them, those were a bunch... Who knew slimes were like that!?

Diluc: That's a surprise. Perhaps the Knights' true calling is to be slime exterminators. Who knows, domestic pest control may turn out to be a more valuable use of your resources.

Huffman: Master Diluc please, have you no respect at all...? Huh? Y/n, how come you're sweating so much? You didn't leave, did you?

Y/n: @_@ I feel... Dizzy.

Lumine: Uh, he got bored and decided to spin for the last twenty minutes.

Huffman: Is that so? Ayo, random costumer! Did you see Master Di- I mean today's bartender leave?

Costumer: Hell nah!

Huffman: Oh... Understandable, have a nice day.

Diluc: Your wine... Once you head back, send my regards.

Y/n: I see everything in red... Am I having an acid trip? Or is it supposed to be rainbow?

BANG

Y/n: That was my head to the wall! OW!

Lumine: Stop moving!

Y/n: AYO, DVALIN, CHI-

Pain immediately makes it way towards your head, you could even hear some ringing coming from your ears.

Y/n: Th-That sucked! O-ow!

Ah yes, suffering while holding your head due to the massive headache.

Paimon: Huh, why mention Dvalin all of a sudden?

With a groan, you reply.

Y/n: I donnu, he was about to fucking stab me with his claws a second ago... Then poof! Signal lost!

Lumine: How long did you sleep last night?

Y/n: ... Two...

Lumine: Hours? You need to fix your sleep schedule.

Y/n: .... Ah yes, hours...

Lumine: ...

Paimon: How do you not have bags?

Y/n: That's when the make-up or whatever they call it comes in play.

Paimon: Now that's just.... Not healthy, at all.

Y/n: I'll sleep like a log for a month don't worry, knowing the author of course.

We don't even have a fourth wall, how the fuck is there a crack!?

Paimon: Also, Master Diluc, HOW!?

Diluc: I foresaw this could happen so... Everyone here is a member of Dawn Winery.

Y/n: Damn, even Kaeya?

Diluc: Eve-... Hold on a second.

The totally not suspicious person in the bag with newspapers comes out revealing the Cavalry Captain!

Kaeya: Today's show was really amusing. When is the next episode?

Y/n: You watched the whole season, now wait next year.

Kaeya: Aw... "The Darknight Hero's Alibi" episode was so interesting though, shame it's the season's finale. My favorite chapter so far. More intriguing than a fine wine.

Its called "Robin to His Batman" here, but my man broke the fourth wall there in the game.

Diluc: Hmph. So you plan on reporting this to thr Knights?

Kaeya: Hahaha... Come now Diluc, you know better than that. I have no interest in exposing secrets. I was slightly curious on how far Mondstadt's Darknight Hero would go to protect his identity, and you did not disappoint.

Diluc: I have nothing to prove to you.

Kaeya: Oh, naturally. I must say though, one thing I didn't see coming is that the mighty Darknight Hero would actually need help from other people...

Diluc: Sorry, we're closing. Please see yourself out.

Kaeya: Alright, alright... I have no further need of wine to entertain myself tonight, in any case. Just one thing before I go.

Diluc: It better be the last thing for today.

Kaeya: I feel strangely comforted by the fact you now have an assistant, Diluc.

Diluc: ...

Kaeya: I hope you all have a wonderful night.

And just like that, he left with a smile on his face.

Paimon: Well.... How did he do that?

Lumine: Honestly, I thought people in the Dawn Winery would recognize if he's not one of them, but okay.

Y/n: What a fun day... I'm beat. So, Diluc... How's batman?

Diluc: ... You're not gonna let this one pass, huh? A weird change of pace, but nonetheless it was strangely good.

Y/n: Good enough to get me an actual dri-

Diluc: Give it up.

Y/n: Never gonna give it up! HIIIYA-

TIMESKIP

Diluc: Checkmate.

Y/n: All I feel is pain and my pride leaving my own body...

Diluc: This is the fourth match you're ever playing, it's okay.

Y/n: Man.... What was even that move with the King and the Rook!? I still don't get it.

Diluc: It's Castling. Castling is a special move in chess that involves the King and the Rook. This is the only situation in which you would move two of your own chess pieces in the same move. The King and the Rook move towards each other and swap places.

(I yoined the explanation from Google once again, because it's better than my explanations.)

Y/n: Huh... I see.

Diluc: Mhm. I have to say, you're very eager to learn... Heh, that's a good thing. It's been a while since I've played with someone beside my butler.... Quite refreshing.

Y/n: Hehe. One of these days I'm gonna beat you.

And then one unexpected thing happened, a small smile appeared on the Diluc! Very dramatic!

Diluc: With enough training, don't get too cocky now.

Y/n: (This makes me wonder.... Does the rules of chess apply to the Archons as well? Hmm...)

_______________________________________

Yo.

I'm ill as fuck. Send help

I finally made a chapter as well, so that's cool.

I don't know what else to add here, so have this vid.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OKa1U33qjHk

So how was this chapter? Good? Bad? NO?

This was supposed to be slightly serious, but I got bored of it, and didn't know what to do. So I went full drugs again.

Have a nice day!

DashingBanana out!

~~~

C

haracters' Opinion on ya Boi, Y/N

Yes, we did it.

-Lumine-

He's a very good friend of mine, I really enjoy his company! We've been traveling with each other for quite a while alongside my brother. It's a bit weird considering we don't take anyone with us, but Y/n somehow found his way with us, and we brought him with. We've got to expect the unexpected from time to time, but I don't regret doing it. He makes our adventures many times more fun with whatever he comes up with! He has his moments when he gets serious. *giggles* Our favorite tsundere~ I just hope Aether doesn't go full protective mode again... Until then, we will find him first.
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-Paimon-

Ehehe! Paimon's partner in crime! Messing around the whole of Teyvat! You can always depend on him to come up with a bunch of theories when something is confusing... Most of the time. He came up with an annoying nickname for me "Emergency Food", and he ALWAYS uses it whenever he has the chance! It's getting reaaally old. Although Paimon thinks he should open up more, but Paimon will respect his privacy! Because Paimon is great like that!
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-Kaeya-

Oh? You wanna know about our Honorary Knight? *chuckles* Well, he's a sarcastic fellow, likes to joke around a lot. Brightens up the mood every now and then. Although, I'm pretty sure everyone already knows that about him, so I guess I have to say something new. Apparently he can feel people watching him, learned that while having a nice drink at the Dawn Winery while Master Diluc was sorting some stuff out. Just don't stare at him for too long if you are planning a surprise for him. Oh? *chuckling* No, no, I wasn't suggesting anything... Maybe.
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-Diluc-

Y/n, huh? He can be quite childish with how he talks or whatever he comes up with, but he gets the job done, and that's respectable.  It's quite disappointing that he is with the Knights... Although, I did hear Pallad talk about how he went off towards an inefficient Knight not doing his job back in Springvale, it's a good thing that he knows it. He also compares me with this "Batman", I didn't know what he meant by that, but while I was teaching him how to play chess, he explained this character to me, even giving me some "comics" about said character... I have to say though, it is quite interesting... Hmm, I wonder if I could get some tips to help me in the future from it.