10. As it Was

'I ache for something I've never had,
Some sense of belonging, or open arms'
- e.h. downing

⤐

  The group spent the rest of the day trekking through the forest, Abraham practically skipping after Rick agreed to bring everyone along to D.C.

  Even Zeppelin couldn't hide the cheeriness radiating from her when Rick told her they wouldn't be separating again.

  Daryl, however, was more quiet than she'd remembered him ever being. He stayed in the back of the group, scanning the area with his bow raised at all times, only replying to Carol with an occasional grunt.

  When they first started their trip, she was happy to give him space, focusing her attention on Carl while Veronica ambled next to her with baby Judith in her arms.

  But the longer the day went on, the more Daryl's silence just made her angrier. He hadn't breathed a single word to her since they were all reunited, though their eyes wandered towards each other often enough to make her blush on more than one occasion.

  Is he angry with me? Does he hate me for leaving?

  Why does he keep looking at me?

  Zepp's thoughts swirled together as the chatter of the group faded to a light buzz. Carl laughed at something Abraham said, and the sound snapped her attention back into focus. She smiled, and thought she saw Rick do the same.

  A few hours later, when the sun dipped into the horizon, they stopped to catch their breath and collect more water, and Zepp had made up her mind to confront Daryl.

  He had wandered off alone towards a creek, dropping at his knees to scoop the cool, rippling liquid into his flask. Zepp slowly followed the path to the water, stopping a few feet behind him.

  He looked so... at home in the forest. The bow that never left his side, the strong muscles and powerful hands, everything the calm, calculating presence of a predator.

  She cleared her throat, expecting him to flinch af her sudden appearance. He simply twisted to face her, as if he felt her there the whole time.

  Zeppelin crossed her arms, taking two steps closer to him. "The hell is your problem?" The words had dropped out of her tight lips before she could think twice.

  Daryl narrowed his burning gaze, wiping his hands on jeans and scrunching his face in annoyance. "Don't have one."

  Short, to the point.

  Annoying.

  She dropped her arms, subconsciously taking another step closer. "Bullshit," she muttered. "You haven't said a single word to me since our groups got back together. What did I do?"

  Daryl shook his head and scoffed, bringing the flask to his lips for a deep gulp before he twisted the cap back on and shoved it into his pocket. "What do you want from me, Ace?"

  He held his hands out in defeat, and her heart twinged at the nickname.

  "I don't want you to be angry."

  "What do you want me to be then?" He countered.

  She felt her features soften. "Look.. I know I shouldn't have left the way I did. I regretted it. I should've asked you to come with me," the confession made her falter, squeezing her hands into fists. "All of you, I mean." She took another step and Daryl visibly tensed.

  He shook his head and backed away from her, suddenly unable to meet her eyes. "You don't need to explain nothin'," he murmured. Without waiting for her response, he turned and trudged back up the hill, back towards their group, back to ignoring her.

  She angrily snatched a pebble from the shore and tossed into the creek, needing some kind of outlet for her frustration.

  She never once believed that she'd be back with Greene Farm group again, even if she had dreamed of it a few times. Of seeing him again. She could never understand why, seeing as how nobody, especially a man, had ever left such an impression on her. Yet still, she thought of him almost every day.

  Then the dream became reality, even if the circumstances were less than desirable. And the way Daryl touched her in the train car felt meaningful, and she didn't expect to be treated so coldly now.

  She decided she'd ignore it, focus on her duties.

  As she turned to go back, Veronica was standing just off the side of the clearing, arms crossed.

  "You regret leaving with me?" She murmured, barely audible above the buzzing cicadas. Soft tears lined her eyes and she wiped a hand down her face, choking back a shaky breath.

  "V.. I-" before Zeppelin could finish, Veronica was already twisting on her heels and walking away.

  Now that's getting really fucking annoying.

⤐

  Night came quickly, darkness blanketing the Earth in an instant. Zepp sat cross legged in front of the fire, carefully observing the people around her. To her left, Daryl and Carol were off with their backs turned to the camp and their heads close together. To her right, Veronica sat with Rosita, whispering to the girl and glancing her way every few minutes. As more time passed, Zepp found herself growing angry with Veronica too.

How dare she be upset with me?

She's left me behind three times in our lives, and leaving people behind in this new world is as good as killing them yourself.

  Her knuckles were snow white against the grip on her dagger, her boot bouncing anxiously and eyes darting side to side. Abraham, who was always good at noticing her signs of anxiety, plopped himself down next to her and passed her the bottle of brown liquid courage. She rolled her eyes and took a tiny sip before handing it back to him. He threw an arm around her shoulders just as Daryl had turned back to face the fire and locked eyes with the red head. Abraham chuckled and leaned in close to Zepp. "You better get your shit figured out, girl. I think you need to find an way to let some of this anger go before you bust like a can of biscuits."

  She cracked a smile and rose to her feet, shrugging away from his large bicep. "You know what Abe.. you're right." She bumped his fist with hers before heading into the woods, crossing directly in front Daryl's path. She knew it was stupid to be out here in the dark but she had this overwhelming urge to hit something. Anything.

  She crept through the trees for twenty minutes before she came across a walker dawdling near the creek. It turned towards her and stretched out it's exposed bones, snapping it's jaws in preparation to tear her apart. Before it could touch her, she kicked it hard in the stomach, forcing it to the ground. She dropped her knees next to the corpse and swung her dagger into it's skull once, twice, three times, letting out a small cry with each stroke of the knife.

  A twig cracked just behind her and she whirled, knife raised, to be met with Daryl's cold stare.

  He rested his hand gently on her wrist, lowering the dagger from his chest. She could feel the warm, sticky blood trickling down her face and arms just before he stroked a hand against her cheek to wipe it away.

  "The hell you doing, Ace?" He whispered.

  "Just needed to let loose is all.." she trailed off.

  He sighed deeply and wrapped one arm around her neck, hesitantly pulling her close. He smelled like an intoxicating mix of worn leather, sweat, and cigarettes. "I'm sorry," he mumbled against her hair. He pulled away quickly and brushed his hand across her other cheek, keeping an arm around her shoulders as he lead them back to camp.

  "Me too," she whispered.

  They didn't have to say anything else. They never needed to. The two operated on an intuition basis, words were meaningless when someone can look into your eyes and understand your soul.

The muted apologies were enough to ignite the spark between them that had seemed to grow cold when they reunited, and they settled into their respective spots around the fire. Daryl close to Carol, and Zepp next to Veronica.

They faced each other from across the firepit, the flames dancing with shadows across their skin. Her gaze traveled down the smooth hills of his cheekbones, the twinkle in his eyes flickering with the light, and something else, something deeper.

They stayed locked in each other's gaze until Zepp's eyes fluttered, fading slowly to black.

⤐

"Do you blame yourself?" He asked again, shoving his hand hard against her head. She nodded slowly, jaw clamped tight and tears flowing down her small face.
He shook his head at her in disgust, rubbing his hand through his scruffy beard. Her mother's cries were softening but the heartbreak behind them was ever present. Her attention snapped back to her stepfather as he stomped closer to her.
"Good."

The next day started smoothly. Walkers were few and far between, and the calmness of the woods allowed Daryl to manage to snag a few squirrels. When he came through the trees quietly and suddenly, eight guns were trained on him in an instant. He held up his hands, still gripping the squirrels roped together and scoffed, "We surrender." Rick shook his head and a few people chuckled. The group was on top of their game, ready for any danger that could come their way.

  Daryl tossed Zepp a granola bar out of his pack and she hid her smile before breaking it in half and passing it to Veronica. She took it without a word but brushed her shoulder against hers as they walked.

  "Help!" A man's voice screeched in the distance. The group froze apart from Carl, who desperately pulled on his father's arm.

"Come on, we have to help!" He begged.

  "Help! Anyone help!"

  Rick searched his son's face for a moment, then took off towards the screams, the group following his lead. They skidded to a halt in a small clearing surrounded by trees. A large boulder rest just in the middle where five walkers were growling, reaching and snarling towards a man in priest robes who was still screaming at the top of his lungs.

The group took minutes to put down the walkers quickly and efficiently before Rick ordered them to spread out and keep watch.

  "Come on down," he grunted to the holy man. He slid himself down the rock, eyes nervously darting between the survivors. His breathing was shaky and quick, beads of sweat dripping down his face.

  "You okay?" Rick asked him.

  The priest held up a finger before retching all over the ground, his hands clenched to his stomach. The group all glanced at each other, so unfazed by this world that it was almost pathetic to see a man so sickened by a few walkers. He wiped a hand across his mouth and forced himself to stand.

  "Yes. Sorry.. thank you," he stuttered. "I'm Gabriel."

  "Do you have any weapons on you?" Rick's tone was firm, his stance threatening, a vast difference to the calm officer mask she used to know.

  Gabriel chuckled and looked towards Michonne next to him, who met his eyes with a cold, narrowed stare. He quickly dropped the smile and raised his hands at his sides. "Does it look like I would have any weapons?"

  "We don't give two short and curlies what it looks like," Abraham snorted.

  "I don't have any weapons. The word of God is the only protection I need."

  "Sure didn't look like it," Daryl's soft grumble piped up.

  Gabriel smiled nervously and glanced between the survivors. His body language screamed he wanted nothing more than to get away from these people.

  "I called for help. Help came," he murmured. "Do you.. do you have any food? Whatever I had left, it just hit the ground." He pointed weakly to the pile of vomit.

  Carl passed him a handful of pecans and the man took it gratefully, eyes still darting between the people in front of him. His gaze landed on Tyreese clutching Judith. "That's a beautiful child," he whispered.

Rick said nothing, and so the group followed suit.

  "Do you have another group?" Gabriel stuttered.

  "No. Do you?" Rick's answer was swift.

  "I have a church."

  Rick shook his head in exasperation, clearly wanting to speed this process along. "Hold your hands above your head," he demanded. He went about checking him for weapons and asking him three questions.

How many walkers have you killed?

How many people have you killed?

Why?

  The answers to such questions would tell Rick everything he needed to know about a person surviving in this new world.

Veronica leaned in, brushing her lips against Zepp's ear lightly. "What does your gut tell you this time?" She narrowed her eyes at the man, turning her chin to whisper lowly.

  "I don't necessarily trust him.. but I don't think he'll cause us any harm either."

  Veronica took her answer with a nod before strolling over to Tara, whispering in her ear much like she had just done to Zepp's.

The man had killed no walkers, no people, all based on the word of God. Zepp rolled her eyes and sauntered around the edge of the rock, running into to Daryl as she turned the corner.

He grabbed her by the shoulder to steady her and gave her a small, crooked smile before stepping around her.

Rick decided to trust the holy man, and he led them through the woods to his church. The group was quiet, keeping watch while Gabriel and Rick muttered to each other up ahead. Zepp slowed her pace to walk next to Daryl, catching the incredulous look V threw her way.

"You trust him?" She whispered.

"Don't trust anyone," Daryl's gruff voice sent a ripple down her spine.

"Hmm," she hummed. "Fair enough." She paused for a moment. She normally didn't feel the need to fill the silence with Daryl, or anyone in particular, but something was hanging in the air between them today, electricity nearly crackling from their skin.

"For what it's worth.. I trust you," she murmured. "I know you've got my back."

Daryl locked eyes with her for a moment before looking away quickly, fiddling with the crossbow in his hands.

"Always."

⤐

They finally arrived at the church, a simple white planked building with ornate wooden doors and a tower in the front.

  'St. Sarah's Church'.

When Gabriel grabbed the handle of the door, Rick's sharp voice stopped him in his tracks. "Hold up. Can we take a look around first? We just wanna hold on to our squirrels." He stepped close to Gabriel, inches away, radiating with conviction.

Rick was first into the church, Daryl and Zepp following closely behind. Glenn and Michonne came after, checking every nook and cranny for any surprises while the rest of the group waited outside.

Zepp slowly paced towards the stained glass windows, the area below filled with canned goods and supplies. She whistled to Rick to bring his attention to her find before standing behind him to watch his back.

She hadn't been in a church in years and didn't exactly consider herself a religious person. If there was a God, he was an asshole for letting this sickness rear it's ugly head.

But being here now... a strange calmness washed over her.

Rick whistled to the rest of their small group before they headed back outside. He tossed the keys back to Gabriel and crossed his arms, leaning back against the porch banister.

"I spent months here without stepping out the front door," the priest half chuckled. "If you found someone inside, well, it would have been surprising to say the least."

"Thanks for this," chimed Carl, bouncing baby Judith in his arms. His face was bright and open, no doubt imagining the goodness that could come from taking refuge in a church. The look Rick gave him solidified Zepp's thoughts.

Never trust a 'safe space'.

Abraham strolled to Rick, twitching his thick mustache. "We found a short bus out back. It don't run, but I bet we can fix that in a day or two. Father here says he doesn't want it. Looks like we found ourselves some transport."

Zepp could feel Veronica tense beside her.

Rick didn't answer Abraham, instead absentmindedly stroking Judith's soft hair.

"You understand what's at stake here, right?" Abraham snorted.

"Yes, I do.."

"Now that we can take a breath-"

"We take a breath, we slow down.." Abraham interrupted Michonne. "Shit inevitably goes wrong."

"We need supplies, no matter what we do next."

"You know she's right, Abe," Zepp agreed with the woman.

"Water, food, ammunition," Rick affirmed.

With the fearless leader's decision made, he put an arm around Carl and climbed the steps back into the church.

Daryl stared at Abraham as the rest of the group filed in. "Short bus ain't goin' nowhere. Bring ya back some baked beans."

Glenn stopped to face the large man as he passed. "One way or another, we're doing what Rick does. We're not splitting up again."

Tara smirked, adding "what he said," before following Glenn inside.

Bob and Sausha were whispering to each other before finally coming closer. "We wanna roll with you," Bob began. "But what she said." He nodded his head towards the people in the church before heading in.

One by one, the groups were split into their original parts again. The prison group inside, settling down and questioning the priest, and the D.C. group left out in the blistering sun. They looked at each other in silence for a few moments before Zepp swallowed and climbed the porch steps, the first to make a move.

A twisted feeling deep down in her gut screamed, begged her to pay attention, and that this wouldn't be the last time she would have to make a decision like this.

⤐

Carol was slumped in a pew in front of the alter, her hands clasped and head drawn. Zepp watched the woman for a moment before a single tear trickled down her cheek and she turned away to give her privacy. Whatever she was going through, maybe God could be her light through the dark and more power to her if so. For others, like Zepp, it wouldn't be that easy.

Rick's husky voice sliced through the thick silence draping over the church. "How'd you survive here so long? Where'd your supplies come from?"

"Luck," Gabriel smiled. Rick was clearly unimpressed with this answer and Gabriel cleared his throat to begin again. "Our annual food drive. Things fell apart right after we finished.. It was just me.." he flinched as Daryl accidentally knocked a bible to the ground.

  "Sorry," he grunted.

"The food lasted a long time, then I started scavenging," Gabriel continued. "I've cleaned out every place nearby. Except for one."

Rick crossed his arms over his rifle and narrowed his eyes at the holy man. "What kept you from it?"

"It's overrun."

"How many?"

"A dozen or so, maybe more."

"We can handle a dozen," Zepp piped up.

They decided Rick, Bob, and Sausha would take the trip. Along with Gabriel, who's eyes widened in terror when Rick told him as much.

Rick and Carl huddled together in a pew while the others prepared to leave, their heads tilted close together. After, Rick crossed over to Zepp and leaned in close. "I've asked Tyreese to watch over Judith," he grunted. "But I need someone looking out for the group as whole too."

She nodded once, knowing exactly what he asked of her, and adjusted the rifle on her shoulder. "I got it."

He tossed her a grateful smile and squeezed her shoulder before he strolled over to where the others waited. When they left, the rest of the group went about their jobs.

Abraham, Eugene, and Rosita worked on the bus out back while Veronica and Tara watched, contributing nothing beneficial other than shooting light hearted remarks to lift the mood. Maggie and Glenn headed off into the woods for some privacy, Carol and Tyreese played with Judith on the floor, and Michonne kept Carl busy.

Leaving only Zepp and Daryl.

"Feel like hunting?"

⤐

A rabbit and two squirrels later, the pair headed back down their path to the church. They were quiet at first, but as their time together progressed, they found themselves opening more, and that icy chill that had seemed to fallen over them when they reunited had almost completely thawed.

Daryl told her about the tragedy at the prison, about saving Beth only to lose her again, and to lose himself until he found Rick. Zepp let spill about her time apart from him yet she strangely found herself hesitant to even speak Veronica's name, carefully leaving her out of most of the stories she told.

"You're gonna teach me how to use that thing one day," she established, pointing to his ever present crossbow as they trekked through the trees.

He grunted and shook his head, failing to hide the smile curving the corners of his lips. "Maybe, if you're lucky."

She smirked and turned, walking backwards to face him. "Well I don't consider myself a particularly lucky person, but you are going to teach me," she laughed, and he actually matched it this time.

They rounded the corner of the church when something caught her eye, pausing her relaxed walk, forcing herself into a tense stalk up to the fading white walls. Scratched, not carved, but scratched with bloody fingernails into one of the planks on the side was a statement that sent shivers down her body, and she looked to Daryl. His expression mirrored her own, and he angled himself behind her to visually sweep the area.

Zeppelin looked at the sign for another moment, then turned away, whistling for Daryl to follow her back inside. In the hours that followed, she would think of that statement over and over again, turning it over in her mind, picking apart every piece until it could make sense to her.

'YOU'LL BURN FOR THIS'