**Amanda**

Amanda's life was perfectly summarized in this moment. Her friends were out of reach somewhere on the other side of technology while she struggled to free herself from the asshole sphincter grip of reality--AKA the blood pressure machine. It was as though opportunity only knocked on Amanda's physical world when she flailed about in ridiculous ways spouting four-letter words like a naughty personal mantra. The universe, it seemed, had only one intention for the existence known as Amanda--she was to be loved by all, but all-IN loved by no one.

"You need help?" Safeway Guy repeated.

You have no idea how loaded that question is, Amanda thought, shimmying her arm out of the inflated cuff. Unable to look the handsome shopper in the eyes as she felt the heat of embarrassment rise in her face, she replied, "No. I'm good."

Safeway Guy nodded and continued on his way towards the produce section, a red shopping basket swinging from one hand.

Amanda snatched her phone off the floor, furiously typing a message to her friends.

[[Amanda] Safeway Guy just offered to save me from the pharmacy's complimentary asshole squeeze!]

[[Jeannie] OMGGGGGGGGG!]

[[Jeannie] A knight in shining armor!]

[[Geri] What did he say?]

[[Geri] What did you say?]

[[Jeannie] Why are you texting us and not talking to him?]

[[Jeannie] I need to know!!!]

[[Mona] Get a grapefruit!]

It wasn't until she started typing a response to her friends that it dawned on Amanda how epically she failed at seizing an opportunity for a love connection.

[[Amanda] you don't want to know]

She imagined her three friends gradually appearing before her eyes. Geri's arms were crossed tightly over her chest as she tapped a foot against the tiles. Mona's hands gripped her hips while shaking her head. Jeannie stared at Amanda with mouth open and arms stretched out as if to say, whyyyyyyyyyyyy?

"Please tell me you let him help you," Geri said.

Silence spoke for a moment until Jeannie asked, "What did you say when he offered to help you?"

Amanda cleared her throat. "I said--No. I'm good."

Mona waved a finger at Amanda while holding her forehead with the other hand. "I can't. I can't with you right now."

"Amanda!" Jeannie whined. "You're not failing feminism if you pretend to be a damsel in distress every once in a while, so a man can feel like a hero from time to time."

"I know!" Amanda grabbed the container of brownies she'd dumped on the vitamin shelf earlier and put them back in her cart. "I don't freestyle well in these situations."

"I'm good," Geri repeated. "'I'm good' was your opening line to start a flirt'versation?"

Amanda glanced up and saw a woman standing behind the counter of the grocery store's pharmacy. Thoughts of Georgette Pullman, the pharmacist from Toronto she'd seen earlier on Ian's Twitter page, flooded her head. Feelings of inadequacy weighed down on her heart and pulled her soul into the drowning waters of murky thinking. "The truth is--I'm not good. I'm not good enough."

"What are you talking about?" Jeannie asked. "You're perfect!"

"I'm just--not good." Amanda pushed the cart slowly out of the pharmacy section with her three friends in tow. "The truth is--daydreaming about someone being IN love with me makes me feel good, but Geri's right--a guy can't fix my broken head. He might be able to fix it temporarily--not permanently."

"Where's all this coming from?" Geri questioned. "Is there something you're not telling us?"

"Ian has a wife--or girlfriend--or something. And she's gorgeous and brilliant. And I have my period."

Mona scrunched her lips. "Who's Ian?"

Jeannie's eyes and mouth widened. "You mean that engineer from Wattpad?"

Amanda nodded for verification.

"I knew you were cyberstalking him!" Jeannie exclaimed. "Cyberstalking always ends up on the road to disaster."

Geri grinned. "So--you were crushing on the programmer? I thought you scratched computer programmers off your list of potentials."

Another verification nod framed with blushing cheeks proceeded Amanda's words. "Yes. It was a short-lived crush, though. Over before it really started."

"Are you sure he's seeing someone?" Mona asked.

"I'm sure," Amanda said. "And besides--he lives a million miles away. It was a dead end to begin with."

"I don't know," Jeannie began. "My intuition is pretty good with these things. I'd be lying if I said I didn't sense something between the two of you during that video chat."

"You haven't seen Georgette, though." Amanda turned down the rice and pasta aisle. "If I had a choice between myself and this woman--I'd totally choose her."

"Don't say that," Geri said. "Why would you even say that?"

"You know how you were saying earlier that in order to have someone fall IN love with you--you need to fall IN love with yourself first?"

"Yeah--." For a split second, Geri flickered from existence to non-existence, then back again.

"Georgette IS that love you were describing." Amanda stared at the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese boxes for a moment before adding, "She doesn't give off that toxic, narcissistic self-love vibe. You know? The selfie taker, constantly begging for verification that she's worthy? She doesn't seem like that at all. She seems like someone who genuinely loves herself--despite any flaws and failures. I mean--I totally understand why Ian would be drawn to her. Hell--I'm drawn to her."

Jeannie placed a hand on Amanda's arm. Her hand flickered for a brief second when it touched her skin. "But you're just as--."

"No," Amanda interrupted. "I'm not like that. My health. My appearance. My inner self-talk. I live in a messy shithole. I work at a job I hate. I don't finish projects--whether painting the bathroom or writing a story. I'm nothing like Georgette. I'm the person who crawls in my bed at night--pulls the covers over her head--and imagines how happy I'll finally be when someone falls IN love with me."

Jeannie took a breath to speak, but Amanda held up her hand to stop the words from leaving her lips. "Don't try to sugar coat this, Jeannie. I'm okay. It's good. This Ian and Georgette thing needed to happen. I need to get my shit together." Pulling the container of brownies out of the cart and holding them in the air, Amanda added, "And I need to stop using shit like this as pseudo-medication to numb myself from the reality--of my reality."

"But those are really delicious," Mona whispered.

Amanda sighed as she stared at the brownies, unsure if she wanted to ditch them on the pasta shelf or put them back in her cart. "I'm a hot mess. Where do I even start with the clean-up process?"

"Start by realizing you're already perfect," Geri suggested. "You're the best possible you that you could be at this moment in time. Tomorrow--you'll be a different version of your perfect self. The day after that--another perfect version. You are and always will be--perfect--no matter where you're at in life."

"You're perfectly imperfect," Jeannie added.

Amanda wiped away a tear with the back of her hand. "I need to cleanse. Get Ian and all the other toxic thoughts out of my system so I can--start over."

"How can Ian be in your system?" Geri asked. "I thought he was practically uncrushed before he was crushed."

Not fully paying attention to Geri's comment, Amanda's face lit up. "Wait! I have the--best. Idea. Ever."

"Oh, dear," Jeannie whispered.

"Did you see the contest that was advertised on Wattpad? The one where you write an open letter to your secret crush in 500 words or less?"

"You mean the contest for writers still growing their very first batch of pubic hair?" Geri asked.

"Yes, that one." Amanda put her hands with intertwined fingers up to her face as though trying to catch a growing grin. "Instead of trying to suppress my feelings, I'll just put them out in the world so I don't have to carry them around anymore."

"Or maybe you could eat a brownie," Mona suggested.

"No brownies." Amanda tossed the brownies on a shelf with the bagged pasta and stared at the boxes of rice on a top shelf. "An open letter would be a great way to flush all this toxic need for a man's love out of my system."

"I know all about flushing men out of me," Mona said.

With praying hands in front of her face, Jeannie said, "This might not be the best time for a joke, M."

"It's no joke," Mona assured her. "Men are like that rice."

"Like--," Geri began. "How the--?"

"Men and rice. So many different flavors to choose from," Mona explained. "White. Brown. Wild. Cajun. Spanish. Caribbean." She paused for a moment and purred. "Mmm. Caribbean man rice."

"Do we even want to know where you're going with this?" Geri asked. "You've already traumatized us with the grapefruit."

Mona laughed and dismissed Geri's comment with the wave of a hand. "So many flavors of rice and men."

Jeannie giggled, then whispered, "Of Rice and Men. I'll bet money this story gets banned from school libraries, too."

Geri playfully slapped Jeannie on the arm with the back of her hand, struggling to hold back a smirk. For a split second, both women flickered in and out of reality.

"How the hell are rice and men alike?" Amanda blurted, becoming impatient.

"If you eat only rice, you'll be full, but not nutritioned," Mona explained.

"Nutritioned?" Jeannie whispered. Geri closed her eyes and shook her head as a sign to drop it.

"Like rice, if you only eat men," Mona continued, "you may think you're full, but you're not full of nutritional happiness. You're just full of--." Wide eyes and a grin illuminated Mona's face as she turned towards Geri and Jeannie.

"No. Skip the man nutrients part," Geri said. "Focus on the nutritional happiness."

Mona nodded in agreement and returned her attention back to Amanda. "Eating just rice makes you hungrier for more rice because it doesn't give you the balanced nutrients your body needs. And no matter how much rice you eat--it's never enough to make you truly healthy. The same is true for men. Craving man love just makes you hungrier for more man love. And no matter how much man love you eat--it'll never be enough to make you happy--because it isn't a balanced life."

Raising her eyebrows and puckering her lips, Geri said, "Wow. I'm impressed. I wasn't expecting that to go so--."

Mona grabbed Amanda's shoulders and gave her a gentle shake. "But eating lots of men is still better than starving to death, so balance your man diet with a few grapefruits."

Jeannie clapped her flickering hands together. "And there's the Mona'ism."

Amanda snapped her head towards the end of the aisle just in time to glimpse an image of a handsome man holding a red basket. "He's still here. Safeway Guy." Turning her attention back to her friends, she asked, "Should I casually thank him for offering to help me? What do you think?" But before Amanda got a response--Geri, Jeannie and Mona flickered in and out of existence until they disappeared completely.

Shaking her phone, Amanda groaned. "Noooo! Stupid battery! Not when I need help and advice!"

Her need for advice drew her attention back to the pasta shelf where she happened to focus on a box of Hamburger Helper--the brand with a cute and sort of creepy cartoon glove on the cover of the box. Reaching for the prepackaged easy meal, Amanda said, "Help me, Helper."

Just as her hand was about to grab the Hamburger Helper, Amanda stopped and glanced at the neighboring box of Tuna Helper. "Well--considering it's that time of month--." With Tuna Helper in hand, Amanda looked up towards the ceiling and asked, "What should I do?"

Silence.

Absolute--silence.

Since she was talking to a box of processed food--silence was the most logical outcome.

Gently slapping the side of her face with the gloved box, she sighed. "Snap out of it, Amanda. Go talk to him. You're being dumb."

She threw the box of Tuna Helper in her cart and left the pasta and rice aisle for the open terrain of the produce section. There, surveying the long row of vegetables, was Safeway Guy.

You can do this, Amanda encouraged herself silently as she approached her prey. Talking to some guy won't make you more or less of anything. You're already perfect.

Rolling her cart to a stop next to the handsome stranger, Amanda and Safeway guy waited in silence as the automatic sprayers moistened the vegetables. Gathering every morsel of bravery she could find from within, Amanda spoke. "Thanks for offering to help me back there."

Safeway Guy flashed her a dimpled smile. "No problem."

Awkward silence.

That's it, Amanda thought. No problem? That's as bad as 'I'm good.' He's not interested in you, Amanda. He doesn't want to talk to you. Abort mission. Abort!

The two stood in uncomfortable silence waiting for the water sprayers to shut off. When Amanda couldn't stand the silence any longer, she decided to take a chance and freestyle. "Are zucchinis and cucumbers pretty much the same? They look the same from the outside." Making a grinding motion with her hand, twirling it at the wrist, she added, "I've used zucchinis before--."

Safeway Guy raised an eyebrow and hesitated before speaking. "What do you use them for?"

"For grinding," Amanda said, continuing to twirl her wrist. "You know?"

A wave of pink washed over Safeway Guy's face. "Uhh--."

"The spiralizer!" Amanda shouted, pointing her finger upward when the word finally came to her. "You know? The thing that turns veggies into noodle'ie thingies."

Safeway Guy appeared to exhale a relieved sigh.

Glancing in Safeway Guy's basket, Amanda noticed a box of super absorbent tampons. He's buying tampons for his girlfriend-wife. Slink away. Slink away NOW!

"Yeah," he replied. "I have one of those."

Amanda nodded with a smile and motioned towards his red basket with a small bag of dog treats propped up against the tampons. "You have a dog?" Do you have a dog that needs tampons?

Safeway Guy looked in his basket, almost surprised to see the treats inside. "Yeah. Buster--my golden retriever. He's like my kid."

Amanda giggled. "Pets are--without a doubt--and should always be--legit members of the family. I have a cat, Winnie. She's my baby."

Maybe he's a fighter or something, she encouraged herself from within. Maybe he uses the tampons for really bad bloody noses. I mean--that makes sense. It would be hot if Safeway Guy was a professional boxer.

Safeway Guy cringed, intertwining a lighthearted chuckle with his words. "Cats are Satan's spawn. I'm definitely a dog guy."

Excuse me--what?

A brief moment of confusion passed before Amanda convinced herself Safeway Guy's comment was merely a bad attempt at humor. "There's definitely a few cats out there that have earned the Satan spawn title, but most are sweethearts."

Maybe the tampons aren't for a significant other, she rationalized inwardly. Maybe they're for his mom or sister. Would that be creepy? Would purchasing tampons for his mom or sister be creepy?

Safeway Guy shook his head. "I'll stick with dogs. Man's best friend."

Still focused on the tampons, Amanda didn't immediately process Safeway Guy's complete rejection of cats. Why can't I decide? Is it creepy if a man buys tampons for his mom and sister? It would be sweet, right? Or--would it be creepy?

"Yeah," Amanda drawled. "Some guys prefer dogs."

"They're reliable," Safeway Guy began, breaking his sentence with a laugh. "In some cases, more so than women."

Amanda gripped the handle of her shopping cart with both hands. I want to punch you in the face right now. Like--punch you so hard in the face. I want to punch you so hard, you'll need to shove a tampon up each nostril.

She took a breath and plastered a fake smile on her face. "Well--it goes without saying, there are definitely some men out there that shouldn't have cats. I mean--some men wouldn't be able to satisfy a pussy if their lives depended on it."

Safeway Guy's eyes twitched as though unclear how to process Amanda's comment--or how to respond to it.

Amanda, on the other hand, felt--less hungry. It was as though she'd added a bit of meat to her inner feline's rice diet. She was in a state of mind where she knew her worth didn't hinge on the outcome of this moment. She was already perfect--according to her friends--and nothing could change that. "Anywayssss, I just wanted to stop and thank you for being kind."

Safeway Guy nodded. "Not a problem."

"No--life isn't." Amanda grinned, then turned on her heel and walked towards the checkout counter. As she reached the bananas, she stopped and swung back around to face Safeway Guy. "This may sound weird, but I have to know. Who are the tampons for?"

Safeway Guy glanced around the produce section as though checking to see if anyone else heard Amanda's question. With no one in range to hear the conversation, he said, "My girlfriend."

"She's a lucky lady," Amanda said. "I'll add that to my list of things I'm looking for."

A look of confusion swept over Safeway Guy's expression. "Tampons?"

Amanda shook her head. "No. Someone who's got my back even on my worst days of the month--or worst year--or worst whatever. You know? Imperfect perfection?"

Not waiting for a response, Amanda turned and headed in the direction of the checkout counter.

I can do this, she thought, strategizing how she'd achieve her new goal to love her perfectly imperfect life. I'll reign myself in. Stop getting so lost in my imagination and magic and destiny--and anything else that doesn't make much sense in the physical world. It's time. Get my head out of the clouds and put my feet on the ground. You can do this, Amanda! You've got this. Fitness world instead of fantasy world. Clean land instead of dreamland. Significant me instead of significant other. It's time to get real--it's time to live in the real world. It's time to--.

Amanda came to an immediate halt when two children cut in front of her cart. She watched the tiny humans dash to an Oreo cookie display, each grabbing a package of chocolatey goodness. Simultaneously, the children shouted, "Double Stuf!"

After a brief pause, the children shouted again in unison. "Jinx!"

The word spoken by babes punched like a fist through Amanda's chest.

It's not destiny, she tried to convince herself, recalling the unexplainable moment she shared with Ian a few days prior. That jinx wasn't magic.