💗~💋~🌼
Do not be afraid
and do not be
discouraged.

-Unknown
🌼~💋~💗

Shopping.

It's the last thing I feel like doing, yet as I aimlessly drag my legs into every store Anna insists on going in, I plaster on a fake smile and grin my way through what can only be described as pure torture. Last night, after mine and Anna's little heart to heart, Hannah had suggested a shopping trip of sorts. Of course, I couldn't very well refuse her efforts at getting to know us better and found myself agreeing to it against my better judgement.
After all, it's our first ever attempt at bonding and I'm certainly not about to reject that. Even if I did have little to no sleep yet again and constantly feel as though someone is pressing a very heavy weight to my tremendously aching chest.

"Coffee break?" questions Hannah; her suggestion bringing literal music to my ears.

She effortlessly balances the shopping bags in her arms, looking as glamorous as they come in her noir skinny jeans and cream blouse. So far, she's bought myself and Anna a practical pair for ourselves, a dress each and a new bikini for day trips to Santa Monica beach.

All necessities, according to her.

Although, I must admit, I do rather enjoy my mint green two piece with frills for decoration and shiny, metallic material. I'm not normally one for indulging in such fancy swimwear but when in Rome (or should I say, California).

"Great idea. I could kill for one of those coffee milkshake things." replies Anna, juggling an equal amount of bags in her arms but not quite managing the same elegance Hannah possesses.

"A Frappuccino?" I mumble, helping her out in her somewhat limited vocabulary when it comes to day time beverages.

"Yeah! That's them. I like the caramel coffee one." she declares, pointing towards a rather deserted looking Starbucks and gesturing for us to make a move.

We take the hint and as we shuffle towards the open doors, I enjoy the blast of air con as it whips at my face; thankful for it cooling my slightly swollen eyes and lips.

"I'll get them in. Amelia, what you having?" asks Hannah, focusing her efforts on me, having already caught Anna's order.

"Just a tea please." I reply, consciously adding a cheery note to my, otherwise, monotone voice in the hopes that it takes away from my gloomy mood.

It's getting increasingly hard to hide my feelings but the last thing I want is to alarm Jack and Hannah of them. The news yesterday came as a little shock and I'm sure once the severity of it has sunk in, I'll handle it slightly better but until then, I need to bring my acting game home. Juggling my own Mothers sudden death and dealing with Jane's illness is certainly not going to be a walk in the park and if I'm not careful, I'll soon get snowed under by the overwhelming emotions going on and that is absolutely not what I want.

"Got'cha!" she smiles, turning on her heel and striding towards the cash desk, money in hand.

Once left alone, Anna raises a plucked brow at me and wastes no time in beating around the bush, needing to know more about my current mental state.

"How are you feeling?" she asks, seating herself opposite me on a small, slightly sticky, round table.

Having left Emily at home with Jack, figuring her four year old mind lacks the attention span to withstand a full day shopping, it gives us the luxury to take our time and it would appear Anna is utilising said time to get to the root of my problems by inflicting what I'm sure is referred to as the term 'retail therapy'.

Needless to say, it isn't working.

"Getting there." I answer, figuring I'm best off going with honesty. "Just a little zoned out. I'm fine." I add, hoping to just about convince myself, as well as her too.

Unfortunately, neither party is rest assured by my insistence of being 'fine' but it would appear insignificant when a familiar voice interrupts us, sickening me to my stomach.

"Amelia?"

Shit!

"I thought that was you." adds the voice, happily making its way over to our table. "How are you?"

Double shit!

"Jane, hi!" I greet, desperate to appear normal. "I'm great, you?"

I cringe at my question, already knowing that Jane is about the furthest thing away from being great as one can possibly imagine and I hate myself for having sprung that stupid enquiry on her.

"All good, left the kids at home to do a little shopping." she replies, showing no true indication to her illness what so ever.

Anna, although never having had the luxury of meeting Jane before, immediately clocks on, probably hearing her name mentioned enough to realise who she is and shifts her gaze over towards the woman who is really rather rocking a pair of light blue jeans and a plain red T-Shirt.

"Hi. I'm Anna, the other twin." she smiles, certainly working her magic as far as first impressions go. "You're Aidan's Mom, right. We know him from school." she innocently adds, sounding sweeter than the sugary drink Hannah suddenly places in front of her.

"Let me guess, you're buying new school shoes for April." comments Hannah, moving around to place my tea in front of me. "I swear they put something in the flooring at that place that just ruins shoes." she further adds, engaging in what I can only assume to be a Mother's meeting with Jane.

How they can discuss such mundane topics when they're both aware of the bigger picture is beyond me. I'm all for living life to the full but knowing what I do now makes it near to impossible to carry on as if nothing has changed. And as if that wasn't bad enough, I have Anna on the other side of the table, kicking me into acting normal.

"I think you're right." agrees Jane, pulling out a pair and tiny black school shoes, indeed proving Hannah right in her assumption of why she's here. "And yes, I'm Aidan's Mom, lovely. Do you know him well?" she asks, friendly enough in turning her enquiry to Anna.

"I do, not as well as Amelia though." she slyly replies, looking about as mischievous as one can possibly get.

I discreetly shoot her a 'what the hell' look, to which Jane laughs, having seen my awkward display.

"Of course, they're quite close those two." she comments, taking a seat next to me and relieving her arms of the two shopping bags she's carrying.

Her bright, brown eyes study mine for a short while and I can see she's concerned when I fail to put up the barriers, baring my soul for all to see. My emotional turmoil is obvious to anyone daring to look and I suddenly hate how open I am to the one person I'd rather not see me like this. After all, she's factoring into my somber mood and I can only act my way through the physical pain to a certain degree.

I would hate for her to know that the reason behind my downward spiral is indeed, because of her.

I try smiling but I'm sure it comes across as more of a grimace and I completely give up when I accidentally pour chocolate flakes into my tea instead of sugar. All three women stare back at me but don't dare mention it, clearly not wanting to bring up a potentially awkward topic.

"I'm going to the bathroom." I quickly announce, needing to get away before I make an even bigger fool of myself.

My god, Jane must think I'm a pathetic mess after witnessing my acts of stupidity today. She's no doubt wondering what her Son even sees in me, not that he sees much. A friend who he occasionally kisses is about as far as our confusing relationship goes and if I weren't so freaking engrossed by him, I'd tell him to back off.

"Is everything ok-?"

"Fine!"

I instantly cut Hannah off, feeling a little guilty when my tone comes across as snappy. I don't hang around to apologise though. Instead, I rush off to the nearest restroom and all but throw myself inside the stall, needing the physical space to get through what I can feel is the beginnings of a panic attack.

I can't do this, I can't do this.

"Amelia?"

Crap balls!

"It's Jane, sweetie, open up."

~~~~

I feel my body wrap around a much warmer one and enjoy the inhaled scents of floral notes, it's soothing smell reminding me of my Mom. Jane, accommodating as ever, hugs me as if her life depends on it and I love how I instantly begin to feel better for it.

"Aidan told me he spoke with you last night. That's not what's got you looking so stricken, has it?" questions Jane, hitting the nail majority on the head whilst relieving me of our hug and resting both arms on either side of my thighs as she leans in front of me.

Thankfully, the toilet I'd chosen to seek refuge in is rather spacious and clean, giving Jane and I the chance to have our encounter in a somewhat nice-ish environment.

"A little. The news came as a shock and it brought up some old feelings. One's I'd rather didn't resurface." I admit, not feeling quite brave enough to engage in full eye contact. "I'm honestly heartbroken for you, Jane." I add, voice cracking, lip trembling.

This instantly has her head shaking as she reaches out, taking my tears away with the flick of her finger. Her touch is soft to the swollen area under my eyes and I relish in the motherly gesture she just displayed by physically removing what is quite clearly my distress over her illness.

"I know, sweetheart. The shock will pass but I don't want you worrying about it. I've accepted my fate and I'm making sure my kids are left in a good place." she ensures, only slightly putting me at ease. "I wish things were different but they're not, so we must learn to live with it."

I understand wholeheartedly where she's coming from but it doesn't mend my shattered heart any more; her acceptance on the matter only making it all the more worse. Deep down I knew what was happening was real but somehow, I'd hope the entire thing was Aidan's way of inflicting some kind of sick joke on the new girl. Jane's discussion on the matter, however, has indeed confirmed the shocking reality.

She's dying.

"I can't not worry." I protest, instantly triggering what I understand to be a sympathetic head nod from her. "I know I've only know Aidan for a few weeks but I really care about him and I'm concerned. I'm concerned because I know what it feels like." I admit, noticing her immediate acknowledgement.

"I understand that. You of all people know what it's like to lose a parent and I'm certain that's one of the reasons why Aidan is so drawn to you." she states, repositioning herself slightly on the bathroom floor. "I'm glad you care about him and I know for a fact he feels the same way about you. He's my baby boy and I worry about him the most. April is too young to really understand what's going on and Kyle has Hayley but Aidan has no one. He's at such an important age where the only things he should be worrying about are keeping his grades up, football and girls. Yet he's having to deal with things no almost eighteen-year-old should have to." she explains, spilling her heart and soul to me. "When I was first diagnosed he pushed us all away. He'd be out most nights, Jess would tell me he'd skip school and I found alcohol stashed away in his bedroom on more than one occasion."

Her revelation takes me a little by surprise and not knowing how I should respond to such knowledge, I sit still on the closed toilet seat, waiting for her to continue.

"He shut us all out and I was beside myself with worry. He may seem big and strong but he's a delicate soul, my Aidan and I thank God daily that he came around and saw sense. About a month before you and Anna moved out here, he broke down and admitted he wasn't dealing with things respectably and just last week did we have a long conversation about what would happen once I'm gone."

Again, I'm stunned; hating the prospect of Aidan breaking down on his Mom and finding my heart aches as the image of it as it runs on a loop in my mind. I've only ever witnessed Aidan's vulnerable side a few times and I hate how uncharacteristically out of place it is to his usual, carefree self.

"He spoke about you a lot. About how you are dealing with the loss of your own Mom and his growing need to protect and help you. He's rather fond of you, Amelia and I know he cares about you a great deal. I've seen such a change in him since you've come on the scene and I think that's because he realises we don't all have the luxury of knowing when a loved one is on their way out."

I remain firmly silent, unable to process what it is she's actually saying. I envy her casualness towards her inevitable death, yet feel slightly saddened by how at ease she seems with it. I know it can't be easy and I know Aidan has a tendency to bottle things up. Lord knows I can relate to that but for him to be more open with his Mom because of me? Surely not.

"I'm really grateful for that, honey." she breathes, showing true gratitude as her eyes sweep across my face.

I quickly avert my gaze elsewhere, feeling far too guilty for my own good; suddenly inundated with shame.

"I haven't been honest with him." I admit, ruefully so. "He doesn't know how my Mom died and I'm too scared to tell him. It just seems so unfair that my Mom had the choice when you don't." I add, fiddling with a piece of loose thread hanging from my denim shorts, spilling my guts in the form of secrets revealed.

I have no idea whether Hannah has told Jane about our circumstances but I can only assume her understanding smile and sympathetic head nod hints towards her knowledge at the details surrounding our Mom's death.

"You have nothing to be scared of. If I know my Son as well as I think I do, I'm sure he'll be understanding. You tell him when you're ready and in the meantime I'll be sure to keep what I know to myself." states Jane, confirming that her and Hannah do indeed talk and keep each other updated on all aspects of life. "Your Mom ended her life and chose to do so from our prospective but I'm certain if she felt the need to go to such extremities, she didn't see much of a choice in the matter." she explains, shockingly looking at things from a whole new angle. "Now, you and I both know life can be cut short so what do you say we get out of this grubby restroom and enjoy an afternoon of shopping?"

Her suggestion comes as a relief and I must admit, I feel slightly more self assured about spending the remainder of my day in shopping hell. At least if Jane is with us and I can see how happy she is, I can convince myself that she is at peace with her fate and maybe then I can begin to accept it myself. Still, it doesn't take away from the fact that I'm growing increasingly concerned for Aidan and my feelings for him are only adding to that. I don't want him to suffer but if he's destined to lose his Mom in a couple of months, the only thing I can do is support him though what I'm sure is going to be the most horrific time of his life and hope that by doing so, I can help in some way.

"I think that sounds great." I agree, removing myself from the toilet seat and dusting myself off "Let's kick some shopping butt."

~~~~

This chapter gets me in the feels.