Days had passed and nights were spent, my most cherished freedom was my companion for just a few more days now. I didn't realize how two months went by, I just laughed and lived, like really lived without any invisible shackles pulling me down.

And the person who made my days so beautiful and worth it was my Nolan. He made it so that I could only feel happy and forget about the future. But forgetting something doesn't mean you can avoid it.

Today was the second of March, two days to leave and four days until my engagement. My stomach churned and the dinner I ate threatened to come out at the word engagement. I wanted to cry and scream but not a single word was coming out. Like my whole body was crying except my eyes. I was leaving. Leaving everything I cherish behind, my freedom, my dreams, my friends and Nolan.

I never had a choice, or maybe I still had, I can stay and not go. But I knew I couldn't go against them, I just couldn't. I will leave, so I made my choice, I chose the life my parents want for me. I chose to leave Nolan.

But this was how it was supposed to go, so then why my heart was aching so much. Why couldn't I pack a single thing from the past hour and was just staring at the empty suitcase in front of me? Nolan swayed me and my decision to leave him.

No matter how much it hurt, or how much my heart breaks, I had to go back. This was how everything was supposed to go. I spend two months here, doing everything I couldn't do before and when the time comes, accept my fate as it is. Then why was I feeling like going against it?

My clothes remained scattered on the floor and bed and my closet was half open and I sat there in the middle of my mess. A pearly white shirt shined from my pile of clothes from the bed and I sighed looking at it. The shirt was for Nolan. I saw it a few weeks ago and liked it as soon as I saw it. I thought he'll look good in it on our last date.

Last date. My last date and the last time I'll ever be seeing him was tomorrow. I had been planning this date for over a week. I wanted it to be nothing less than perfect. I wanted it to be memorable for him too, I wanted him to remember me, when I'm gone. Though, it's selfish of me to think that way, I couldn't help it.

My fingers grazed the soft fabric of the shirt, as I stared at it blankly. I couldn't tell Nolan, I was leaving. I couldn't say this was the last time I'll be seeing him. The guilt was eating me from inside and the pain of living without him clawed at me.

I didn't want to get attached to him but I got attached. And now this attachment was ripping my heart in two. The fond memories of Nolan, the silly fights, his smooth lines, all of him, I wouldn't ever forget. They were like the thorns of memories after experiencing the beauty of the rose-like moments.

A lone tear slipped from my eyes and fell on the shirt. “I can't bear it. I…” Sobs muffled my words and a fresh stream of tears flowed from my eyes. The call with Nolan from earlier was painful enough, I didn't know how I'll spend the whole day with him without breaking down.

The mere thought of him and the sound of his voice was enough to set my emotions in a flow. But I'll have to pull myself together, I can't ruin the last chance of being happy with him. Even if I tell him, nothing will change, so after spending a happy day with him, I can tell him.

I want nothing but our last day together to be happy, not sad or regrettable. I just want to simply receive his affection and laugh with him all day. I will tell him once the day is over. I know it isn't fair but what's happening to me isn't fair either.

“I'm sorry Nolan…” The sobs turned into whimpers and I choked on my tears, unable to contain my emotions. I was so deep in thoughts and flowed in my feelings I couldn't hear the knocks.

“What are you doing?” I flinched when the door was open and Ruby was standing there with furrowed eyebrows. I looked away, wiping my tears and kept the shirt on the bed once again. Ruby had stepped inside the room and scanned the surroundings.

“Wait? Are you…are you packing?” She asked with wide eyes and a surprised smile. I didn't tell her or Amy either because I thought they already knew. But now that she was asking me, I wasn't really sure. “Yes. I'm leaving on four.”

They knew about the engagement date. So, I figured they might know about my departure date too. “What the hell?” She yelled. Ruby's eyes were full of rage, as if she was ready to punch me. “How can you go back?” Her voice was loud and soon Amy barged in my room too. She also scanned all the mess in my room and looked at me confused.

“I was always going to go back. The plan was to return-” I tried to stay calm and answer her slowly but Ruby wasn't in the mood to hear me out. She was fuming with anger. “Do hell with the plan. You can't go back. You have a goddam life here and you're not a fucking puppet to dance to your parents' tune.”

“You're going back?” Amy looked at me with wide eyes. I couldn't understand what was so surprising about this. They knew I would be returning, then why make such a fuss. My eyebrows knitted together at Ruby's words but I still held onto my remaining threads of patience but she was crossing the line.

“Yes. But what's the big deal? You knew I was going to go back.” My voice came out louder without realizing it. Ruby scoffed and huffed out a laugh which caught me off guard. “Big deal? You're throwing your whole life away just because your parents asked you to. You don't even know if you'll ever be happy. Isn't this a big deal?”

I knew this but carrying this burden with me all along and hearing someone say it out loud felt infuriating. “But I have to do it.” My voice was breaking.

“No, you don't. You can simply refuse and tell your Dad that you don't want this but you aren't doing that. You're choosing the coward's way out because standing up for yourself requires courage and you don't have that. You're a fucking coward.” Ruby pointed her finger at me. Amy watched the two of us with tear filled eyes. The tears, I was holding back from so long, began cascading down my cheeks one after another.

“You can't call me that. Throwing everything away and leaving everything behind requires courage too. You don't know how much my heart is hurting. Try to stand in my shoes.” I didn't realize when Ruby and I began to fight but my patience had run out. I couldn't bear anymore emotions inside me.

“But you can't live like that. You have dreams and ambitions, a perfect life here and now you even have someone you love here.” Amy intertwined between us. I struggled to breathe as my chest rose up and down at a dangerous pace. “I don't love Nolan.” I refused to admit it. Even though I knew I did, I refused to say it out loud.

Things seem more real once they are admitted or said out loud. I just can't say it. I shook my head, gulping back the tears. Ruby chuckled. “You don't love Nolan? Who are you kidding, you're fucking down bad for him. You more than love him and it shows,” Ruby yelled. It hurt how her words were true. I tried to hold my sobs and looked at the ground. I can't get weak.

“I thought things had changed. You looked so happy with Nolan. I thought you'd stay…” Amy whimpered. Things had changed but my mind didn't. Nolan undoubtedly made me happy, in fact, I was the most happy I've ever been in my entire life when I was with him. But I can't change my mind. Forgetting about shackles doesn't make them disappear just like forgetting about responsibilities doesn't make them disappear.

I took a deep breath and wiped my tears. There's no more reason to dwell over this, my decision is made and I'm gonna follow through. “I'm going back, that's final. Anyone likes it or not.”

“Did you tell Nolan?” I lightly flinched at the mention of him. Her low voice caught me off guard. Ruby knew which strings to pull. The problem was she knew me all too well. When I stayed silent, she got her answer. “You didn't, right? So you are just going to keep him in the dark?” She was mocking me and yet it felt like it was hurting her. Like she was feeling bad for behaving this way with me.

“I am going to tell him tomorrow. I just…” My words faltered, unable to tell the truth. Truth about how selfish I was. Ruby had come closer to me and just stood in front of me. And now that she was close. I could see her moist eyes.

“You know what Kayra? You're a real piece of shit. I can't bear to see you. You're just pissing me off.” She shoved her finger on my shoulder with each word and I could feel the rage growing inside her. “You wanna leave right?” I stumbled a bit when she pushed my shoulder. I couldn't do anything, I just looked at her in pain. She was hurting and so was everyone in this room, all because of me. How did we end up like this?

“Do as you wish. Just know that you'll regret it, sooner or later. And remember you won't be able to do anything about it.” Ruby's voice was harsher and meaner than before. It was colder than ice, as if she was talking to a stranger. Ruby took a step back, still glaring at me.

“Can't you change your mind?” Amy asked, moving forward a little. Amy's face was red with crying and her voice cracked. I shook my head and I felt the invisible string tying us together, snapped. She wasn't trying to understand me. She was my friend, so she should know this.

Ruby took another step back and I thought she was trying really hard to hold back her tears. “Know, if you decide to leave, I'll never speak to you ever again nor see your face. I promise that. I fucking hate you bitch.” I thought I'd seen a tear slip from her eyes but maybe I'd imagined it. Because Ruby Song never cried in front of anyone and didn't waste her tears on just anybody. She stomped out of the room without even glancing back. She straight went out and I realized I was even losing my friends now. And it fucking hurt.

And I couldn't do anything but watch like a dummy. She was right, I was a coward. “We care for you, Kayra. We want you to be happy. Ruby and I want to help you and don't mind Ruby's words, she just can't stand the idea of you leaving. You know, she loves us too much.” Ruby was protective of us and I knew she was right in her place. If it was her, instead of me, I would've been angry as well.

“Don't worry. I know how she is.” A painful smile formed on my lips. My head was spinning with all sorts of thoughts. I just wanted all this to end. Things were being harder than they should be.

“Please, we are your friends. We want the best for you. So...” Amy tried to come closer to me. But I stepped back. I didn't want any comfort right now. I didn't want the people I love to be close to me, because I can't afford wavering from my decision. “Stop. Please, I don't have the energy to do this any further.”

“I just hope you reconsider your decision.” Amy smiled, but there was a sad gleam in her eyes. She nodded and left the room, closing the door behind her. As soon as she left, I slumped down on the cold floor and it dug in my flesh but I couldn't care.

I couldn't feel anything because the pain in my heart and mind was too much for me to realize any physical pain. Tears didn't come out, I guess my eyes ran out of them. I stayed like that for a minute until I realized I had to do something. I quickly got up from the ground and looked out the window. His car was still outside, so he didn't leave I guess.

•°•°•°•°•°•

“Wait!” I called out, coming in the driveway. Jake stopped in front of his car and turned to look towards me. The confusion was visible on his face and he made the irritation about hurting Amy quite obvious. He and Amy went on a date today and he was dropping her off when Ruby and I fought.

He was in the house the entire time and I was sure Amy told him everything, while definitely bawling her eyes out. The detest in his eyes and demeanor for me was clearly evident. But I wasn't here to apologize or deal with his disdain.

“Will you give this to Nolan, please?” I extended the bag in my hand towards him. He was staring at it like I was handing him a time bomb. “They are clothes.” I sighed. He didn't utter a word, nodded and just took the bag.

“Can I ask you for a favor?” My voice was low but audible enough for him. My head hung low but I felt him staring at me. My fists clenched and unclenched and I brushed off the tears accumulating in my eyes. “Sorry. Just pretend you didn't hear it.”

“Why? Because you won't be here to repay the favor?” My head shot up and I met Jake's indifferent gaze. He was right, it was the truth. But Jake wasn't the type to bring up something like this first. I must've messed up with everyone at this point. “Just say it. Or if you have nothing to say then I'll leave.” He turned to leave. He was cold and indifferent but I knew he cared. He pretended to be ignorant but he cared for Nolan, that's why he was mean to me. He detested me because I was going to break his friend’s heart.

“I just want you to be there for him,” I said and Jake halted in his tracks. He didn't look back. Thank God. “Please look after him, when I'm gone.” A lone tear slipped from my eye. He didn't respond nor turn back. “Nolan's my friend, so you don't have to mention that. I'll be there for him when he needs me.”

I inhaled a deep breath. I knew Nolan had great friends and telling one of his friends to look after him was oblivious of me. Telling Jake to take care of Nolan was like telling him to clean up the mess I'll leave Nolan in. It was really shameless of me but I couldn't help it. I just wanted to be sure that he'll be alright after me.

“Unlike you.” Jake looked at me from over his shoulders and there was just one thing in his eyes, disappointment. He was telling me that I was the worst and he was right, I'm the worst. But he didn't actually say anything, because how could he? That's how he was and he had already crossed the boundaries so I was sure he wouldn't go any further. He won't openly criticize me and say anymore than he already has.

“I expected you to make better decisions,” saying, Jake left. He drove off and I just stared at his car until it went far and far and was no longer visible. I gulped the ball of emotions forming in my throat and walked inside. I just made the decisions that I had to. I didn't have options and I still don't. So, no matter what they say, I can't change my decision.

All I can do is make sure that tomorrow goes well.